I agree. Getting the impression that your time and effort is disposable, and is being ‘managed’ for you is debilitating.

@@stuporman75 They want to control everything and everyone!

Yes! So many times they intentionally made me late and I had to deal with the negativity that produced. I am very proud of always being on time and mindful of other folks' schedule.

@@janetstonerook4552 Brought back a memory of when we only had one car! I explained to him I had to go to the kids Elementary school to answer phones in morning! He got back so late, by the time I got there, my time would of been over! He said he ran into someone he knew that wouldn’t stop talking! He was the one that wouldn’t stop talking! They always shift the blame onto someone else! 😎❤️

Thanks for that, I wanted to write them down, because my ex had many of the characteristics.

This describes much of my family, Lord help me. I pray I am trustworthy. I believe I am, but if this is where I come from how could I be decent?

@@uke7084 we each choose who we want to be. You don't have to be like your family ... we leave the past behind and practice better habits. Honesty, loyalty, fairness and other good qualities are a choice. I choose integrity. Yeshua/Jesus and the Bible have been great teachers to me, and also noting other people's good management of difficulties, and UKpostsrs Dr Carter, Dr Ramani for narcissistic abuse and Anna Runkel for overcoming the bad habits we developed if abused in childhood. Who do you want to be?

unsolicited advice

@@uke7084 Questioning your own virtue is a sign of a healthy mind. Keep reviewing yourself. Do your deeds match your words? Earn your own trust. If you are true to yourself, chances are you will be true to others. Your background may have influenced you but you are your own person. You've my vote of confidence.

❤

I can agree with that, I’m still struggling with that lately. However, if you want to make new friends you have to be vulnerable to a degree.

I think you're right and I take every opportunity with genuinely friendly people, but as Dr. C implied (discernment), you can't afford to let these predatorial narcissists inside your head! If I told people what these narcissists had got up to, they'd be incredulous, which I think is something narcissists are dependent on!

Very true! 👍

Yes and that leads you to have more privacy as person for protection

Predatorial behavior will always destroy trust. It’s human nature to fight off predators, so our guts are naturally built to detect it as early as we are four year old. Covert narcissists are predators.

YES Too much betrayal leads to shut down

I totally agree !

I became guarded after a narc bandmate and a "best" friend, who turned out to be a deceptive criminal drunk, put me through the wringer. I had noticed that being pretty much an open book, perhaps overly forthright, has saved me alot of hassle in some ways and created problems in others. So, I've been thinking over, how do I become both open and safe? I'm still sorting, but I think I have some good ideas on how to do this. I am looking for guidelines!

Over five decades in a narc family has left me feeling the same way. 🤷🏻‍♂️ Still looking for clarity on this. Good luck on your journey.

@@tiredperson6574 Excellent metaphor. I'll have to use that. 👍😎

@@sage9836 Read Dr. George Simon In Sheep's Clothing. I recommend radical authenticity. I read about it somewhere and it seems to work.

Everything you say can and will be used against you. Ask Jesus.

You'll find overlap between my comments on the video and what you list here! Dr. C

@@DrLesCarter Thanks for answer. Tomorrow I am listening to your video.

I like your list! I've had all of those done to me in the last few years. I'm also looking forward to this video because I guess I am naiive and need all the help I can get!

@@sheilajac Thank you! 🌞

Exactly Anesa! These are all of the reasons why my sister is not in my life. She is toxic.

Yeah:/ feels like a lifeless way to live But you know what can you do

You can be open and see how it goes. Have the confidence that you can be okay if you are betrayed. Them betraying you if that happens is on them, then you move on. Be prepared that it will happen, take the knocks and keep going in your authentic self.

Should take your advice...He’ll I should have taken all the red flags as a sign I was getting into something that was doomed before it should have started...I married a passive aggressive covert narcissist with an alcoholic problem...I sure can’t trust him any more since he has proved himself over and over again for 23 miserable years...

We could add that people who deliberately 'misunderstand' what you say and turn it into an argument about your integrity are toxic people to avoid too.

I agree. Not liking someone can be fine, but whenever someone talks bad about someone behind their back but plays at being friends to their face, I run! That kind of behaviour breaks trust in an instant.

They aren't truths. For the most part, this was complete nonsense. Read the comments; there are a lot of reasons to be discreet and circumspect other than untrustworthiness.

not with the polish nuns u dont. god i spent enough days in that closet standing and dealing with my period with those ladies. they made me kneel in front of them and the boys in line to measure my shirt. punitive people dont deserve the hard truths. why do you think all thsoe people abused in the church kept their mouths shut so long dear.?

Yes, Mary! I likened it to a soap opera! You ask Were you at the bar last night with Gary? Their answer Why do you ask? It’s very unnerving!!

It makes us explain ourselves even more. They asked me to take on more and more I told them therapy is difficult atm and they called it a excuse. Staying close here helps me with therapy thank u doc Carter.

Hugs. 🕊️💜🧠🔧🎶🎨Thank you Dr Carter and youtube. Today here, therapy twice a week, meds showed me I didn't know what or why I was in the wrong environments. I learned I met the family system I came from in adulthood. Being here to learn and grow takes away drinking. Last year today? I was medicated and self medicating with alcohol thinking I was doing ok. The light bulbs just blink answers, solutions and hope.

They can’t answer direct questions.

@@405OKCShiningOn that can be a trick by the narcissist if they recommend it to YOU. Why Bc they'll say hey look ur the crazy one not me ur the one in therapy not me so ur the problem. The narc can goto therapy come back and say the Dr said your the problem and they'll stop going.. These ppl just ugh

Exactly And a lot of people don’t like that. Especially if they want something from you... If you’re steady, and care about yourself enough to slow down and observe, some will start to treat you different because you didn’t follow their script.

I don’t trust you 🧐

Totally agree!! Over sharing can also be construed as violation of boundaries. Some people over share to get you to open up. I find people who over share not trustworthy.

Agreed.....

@@doctorartphd6463 I do agree as well. Revealing confidential personal information without having solid grounds to trust, compromises confidentiality.

Interesting equation

Those types are codependents. They are compelled to help, fix, rescue. They do not ask for help because they experienced childhood abandonment and had to learn very early how to cope on their own, as well as they learned to suppress their needs because they experienced childhood neglect. their caregivers demanded they meet the adults’ needs when they were children. Adversity and chaos is familiar to them.

Very true. But being wary doesn't mean you are untrustworthy! Dr. C

Dr. Les Carter true! But I’ve heard other people say narcissists act wary lol I guess you just have to pay attention to their behavior to know if they’re a narcissist - Who wants to spend time on THAT!? 😅

@@SBecktacular the biggest indicator after two relationships with them, is the overly charming personality. It’s a good sign of manipulation.

Z C But a big portion of them aren’t charming but a- holes- There are a million flavors of the rainbow narcissists-no? Yah charming-that’s how they lure u to the web lol Sorry u went through that but I’m sure learned a lot. I have lol 😅

Peoples body language gives early clues

So TRUE!😃

Isolation Lack of role models Bitterness about why you were born where you were born Shame and guilt It’s never over

I’m like that. I don’t reveal personal things about myself unless I trust others. They need to earn my trust. This doesn’t make me untrustworthy it speaks to my skills of discernment. When you’ve been a scapegoat all of your life you learn some things about people.

@@Moonbunny55 you explained it perfectly .... twice !

It's my opinion that Dr C simply forgot to insert the relationship length function, or the "intimacy depth" into this lecture. Because that man painting your hallway CAN be trusted with paint, but are you married to him?

@@mikediamond353 I really hope that's the case. I'm tired of feeling I'm damned when I do, and left out when I don't.

It depends on the nature of the relationship. It also depends on whether they hunt and sniff or throw out suggestions to see what information may come back to them from you if you respond to the suggestive cues. If they are trying to pull information out of you and share nothing real about themselves. They are likely untrustworthy.

Yes.#1

Right.

DRC- Dignity, respect and civility

Coverts are not rude or angry, they are just snakes.

@@josephineananda yes the coverts are sneaky. Had one of those too ( unfortunately) dangerous

This is not always true.. and is misleading! Many people who go through childhood abuse grow up in toxic families. This leads them to automatically attract friendships and relationships that are also toxic because they seem familiar and normal When the person wakes up and distances themselves they realise all the people in their life that they attracted are similar and need to be cut out This leaves the person isolated, alone and without family or friends Doesn’t necessarily mean that the person is toxic Most intellectual and spiritual people are also terribly alone because of how demanding their pursuits are People with Aspergers syndrome, Adhd or grave mental or physical health issues are also without friends or family because their life works at a different pace A lot of other factors can contribute to this no family, friends or connections factor Dark personalities re also known to turn people against their targets so that when the victim speaks the truth.. they are not believed.. leaving the person alone yet again

@@truthh8597 I am a private person now by choice. I choose my friends, they don't choose me. I'm more aware of red flags. Trust works both ways. When I see red flags, i back off from that person, when I notice red flags that tell me not to trust someone. I prefer to be alone than caught up in another toxic relationship with others.

Yea they rub off on you

One my narcs said "I wish you were more like me." He gave me a meaningful look, as if to say "You'd better take my advice now, before it's too late." You can probably imagine what I said in reply.

Thank you for your honesty which helped me. I definitely lost my radar in my family of origin, but am trying to get it back, before I fall for another charming narcissist at work, at church or in the dating world. I hope you're doing well now.

Yeah. What you said makes me think. I knew one deceptive person who would make these really roundabout sentences to say the simplest things in ordinary conversation.. While these were not lies, it was uncomfortable to observe for reasons I didn't get. There was a twisted mind at work. Even the simple truth had to come out in a weird way.

@@sage9836 Schizophrenia? like word salad, kind of thing?

@@sheilajac I hadn't thought of that possibility. The person, for example, instead of saying what they meant, would wrap it up elaborate, like "It cannot be said that (something) is not true" instead of just saying it. This was only a tiny part of a big mess. I am going to look up schizophrenia.

Covert narcs appear autistic at first, which made it difficult for me to identify my ex as one, unfortunately. :-/

@@karolinagren5846 and vice versa apparently, there's a few behaviours that appear similar but have different roots

it is, but my advice is to take it slowly. It takes time to build a relationship built on trust.

Until you have something you've disclosed thrown back in your face, and then are talked about behind your back.

Is the entitlement that gets me

@@natoyabailey9439 Me too. Unfortunately, narcissists have a strong allergic reaction to the whole notion of equality.

That's a terrible feeling! I'm dealing with it right now, and it's no picnic! I have to sneak around, and change my routine in order to avoid the toxic neighbor. It's crazy!

Agreed unfortunately.

Ya, shit happens.

I will. We'll have some good time with various extended family members! Thanks. Dr. C

I can relate. My wife is this way. Won't share anything. I love her. I am the one filled with love and trust. I am very fortunate. She is not filled the same way. Life has been a different experience for her. She expected me to succeed financially so that she could live in comfort. This is not her mother's era.

Yes. Takes a good while to feel any trust again with new people

@@keariewashburn4680 I know...I don't dare to date anymore. I've only had narc partners. :-(

It’s like being with a child right!!!

@@chrisw8627 Exactly!

Agreed.

No but if it is your long time partner or your spouse that does not want to share personal details with you that could seem odd. A husband and wife should know everything about each other, especially if they have been together for many years.

@@susanmcguire4664 I agree with your point for the situation you've described, but the video does imply it's about making a decision whether to trust someone you're getting to know rather than spotting someone already deeply involved in your inner circle is up to no good.

Agreed

True & good point. But real relationships require trust, and that develops with emotional intimacy and vulnerability. I think he is referring to friends not acquaintances, discerning who should be which

I totally agree with you. This is also why I am having a bit of issues with some of the examples given by that channel, as it seems to try to want to paint a picture which may not entirely be accurate of the other person. I get that yes, we may strive to be decent, civilized and respectful people, but it can slip at times. And we may just as well be the "narcissist" of somebody else for all we know.

Yes exactly! But if someone wants something from you, they’re not gonna do that lol What I can never figure out is why people wouldn’t want to just know you for you. It seems there’s always an angle, or a reason or something someone wants. Or they see you a certain way or some convoluted deal- Most likely they don’t seem to just want to get to know you just because you’re a human being. It’s either Can I have sex with u? Do you have money? What are you offering? Oh- just cus you’re a human being with feelings and aspirations and dreams? - oh .. lol - meh.

@@SBecktacular I think I have a little explanation to your "why" question. When you first meet that person, who you want to be represented as isn't what the person takes away from you, and, depending of their state of mind, their agenda, or even, how they feel about themselves in comparison to you, it becomes this projected image of who you seem to be for them. This is why some people feel disappointed when someone who seemed supportive suddenly aren't. It isn't a question of blame, and sometimes, it may just as well be a boundary thing, but what does the person whose reality has been shattered do? Well, they become emotional and entitled, but it doesn't make them a narcissist. I used to follow those channels because I believed that Dr.C was trying to give people a sense of self, but all of the videos that go on examples feel like praying on people's fears and leaving them in it. For all we know, the 20% you think you know about a person, even behavior wise, could be wrongly assumed to be narcissistic, and it may actually be a real struggle and issue that they are having with themselves that they think you to be capable of understanding. I am not going to say that some people aren't narcissistic, but I am more akin to say that some actions are narcissistic, more than just the person being one. Separate the behavior from the person. it's much better for you in the end. I lament the sheer number of people who learn of emotional maturity, clear communication, and boundaries at a later age, because this leaves them with deep issues that only therapy may help them with.

I don't think we should find reasons for vague, closed off behaviour. If someone has a problem with being open, they should seek counselling. It's not on us to be their therapist or enabler.

@@karolinagren5846 It may then be best to avoid these videos, as they seem to find reasons for vague, closed off behavior, as you wrote it, or maybe avoid therapy alltogether, as they, too, rely heavily on the information you that provide, compassion, empathy, reframing, and active listening, to make an assessment of who you are and what may ail you, and some therapists can be just as closed off in their behavior as you express it. I am not sure that we need to diminish one's willingness to assist someone else out of some perceived justification and calling them "vague reasons", as some people can be insightful and perceptive to another's situation, while some therapists may be more dangerous to this same scenario. Besides, not everyone is well attuned to their own internal emotions, and this, too, can be learned through someone who isn't a therapist, tempted they do it with self respect and boundaries in mind. In the end, it is up to the person to decide if they want to help and be an alternative to therapy.

It works both ways. Don’t assume that because they treat everyone else well that they will be the same with you. It’s part of their desire to appear to be a good person so that you will look like the one with the problem

So pleased! Dr. C

Yep But there’s a difference Sometimes people give misleading advice on intention

Good thoughts, Faith. BTW, we have some enjoyable family time on the slate for the weekend. Thanks for the good vibes! Dr. C

@@DrLesCarter well thank you I like throwing my Good vibes around all my family are doing other things so I'll be alone with my babies they're my family so it's okay I'm good with it used to it was lonely but now I'm I enjoy it quite frankly but anyway we'll see the day's not over yet have a good one yourself with your family too.

Exactly! We moved into our new home last year, and my nosy new neighbor downstairs walked into my apartment without knocking, went into another room and started talking to my friend for 45 minutes. Without a "hello, or acknowledging me. Well, she fell and broke her leg. The next thing I knew, I was her personal chef for 4 months-beyond the time she needed help. She turned nasty when I gave my "notice" that I wasn't going to cook for her any more. This is why I don't disclose too much...the neighbors have a meeting every week, where they gossip, and she is the ringleader!

He talked about criticism behind the back.

News media talks about/ writes about people who are not present. It’s newsworthy because it is a public interest.

​​@@sockpuppet2415here's a song about that, by don Henley I think ... Oh yeah, it's Dirty Laundry

Most people are untrustworthy so no

You have to learn to enjoy your own company, then confidently say, I thought I would indulge in some self care, and "me time."

me too

John 2:24 helped me. Trust God not man and then you'll know how to deal with everyone. Some need Grace, some need what only God can give so you can leave without guilt

In my experience. religious narcissistic abuse is the worst because it always carries the lie that the leaders are God's chosen ones dutifully making it known why you are spiritually deficient compared to them. But God helps me tenderly with loving solidarity and wisdom. I think it's true that the first shall be last, and the last first.

@@lovesings2us You are so right

The opposite of power is not weakness. The opposite of power is love. Marian Woodman.

well stated. Dr. C