I am suicidal I was planning on pulling the plug today but needed to see someone else point of view of the family of victims who committed suicide. I never contacted the suicide hotline maybe I should. Maybe things will change horribly for my family and friends I don’t know. After listening to a few of these type of stories I have a change of mind to maybe do it another day, or not at all. I did however create this list of 6 things I wanna do before I pull the plug but I haven’t completed one thing on the list. The whole point of it was to find a reason to live, wanting to be alive but…..kinda tired at this point.

Depression isn't understood by those who don't go through it. It's not sadness. It's overwhelming, constant hopelessness. You have no idea how draining the facade of being ok is. Just so you don't have to hear "how good life can be". Doesn't matter how much you're loved. You don't love living. I love my family, my family loves me. Doesn't begin to touch depression. Sometimes you learn to live with it. Reluctantly. Friends and family talk about how selfish it is to end your own life. They want you to live so they don't have to feel grief. THAT'S selfish. Unless you're depressed, it's just a word you use. You'll never understand.

I lost my brother by suicide on July 26th 2020. He also shot himself. I understand your pain. It is very real and very deep. My brother, Dustin suffered from mental illness and he fought so hard for so long to stay on this earth for his family. He knew it would hurt us all so much so he stayed and suffered for years. Until that one day he just could not endure any longer. I mean no disrespect to soldiers, Dustin was not military but I call him my fallen soldier because he fought for his life everyday. Everyday he woke up and it was a battle to make it to the next day. Almost three years later I still cry for him. I miss him so much. Some days I can talk about him and be totally fine with no tears. Other days the tears and pain come from this deep place and just erupts and I am on the ground trying to remember how to breath again. Grief alone is a hard time to go through. Grief from suicide is a whole other ballgame. SO many extra feelings go along with this grief. Along with the stigma tied into suicide. To watch the look some peoples faces, to see that flash of judgment. It hurts deep. I hope they never have to understand what it feels like to lose someone you love to their own hand. Thank you for sharing your story with the world. Know your brothers legacy lives on in your heart and in the eyes of his two babies. We are bonded sisters by the loss of our brothers. Love to you and yours.

I'm 60 and just tired of living. Days just seems pointless. I'm a critical care R.N. that is exhausted. I have no friends and my daughters live far away with busy lives of their own. The only reason I don't take my life is knowing the pain that it would cause... Thanks for the video.

I just lost my twin brother to suicide two weeks ago and I'm broken in all ways. He was also a father. Hearing your courageous story helps me feel less alone in this immeasurable pain. 💔😭 Thank you and my deepest condolences.

There’s a lot of pain in this world. Let’s all be nicer to each other. Smile at someone each day. Ask people how they are. Do something good for someone you don’t know if you have the chance. Be uplifting. You never know how small actions can have big impacts

Lost my best friend of 33 years last week to suicide. He lost his dog a few weeks before took it real hard. I just didn't see the signs maybe I ignored them I don't know but he kept saying he was so depressed. He stopped getting back to me I went looking for him I found him dead. I didn't realize he shot himself it was in a dark trailer the Fire Department told me he had a gunshot wound. Police accused me of shooting him I denied it maybe they had to do that not sure later it was ruled a suicide. I was worried I end up in legal trouble kind of angry with him for that I don't think he thought I would be the one who found him. I had to take a week off work my wife didn't understand she was angry I paid for his cremation cheapest I could find. She didn't think much of him she can be a cold-hearted person grew up with parents who were always having financial problems. I went through all his emails I since 2017 were still saved. Looking back at the fun stuff we talked about like videos of police chases, or strange news stories. Tresure hunting with metal detectors, and 4 wheeling exploring the desert. We live in the southwest deserts. He had fallen on hard times left his GF after 15 years rent is so high now he was living in his car with his dog. Looking back, I tried to advise him he didn't listen to most of what I said. He just gave up on life. I think if rent wasn't so high maybe he could have gotten back on his feet. He was in his late 60's and the world changed since he was on his own last. Can't just get a MIN wage job anymore and be enough to live somewhere cheap. He was on social security $1500 a month not enough plus health issues after a bad heart attack in 2019.

7 years later and I STILL feel this pain. I am so sorry you had to go through this. Sending love and hugs from Tennessee ❤️ losing my brother changed my life forever. Thinking about you.

Thank you for sharing. I'm a mental health therapist, focusing on trauma, and I appreciate your vulnerability and I agree, we need to talk about suicide and mental health in general. Sending love.

My father committed suicide with a rifle he bought for me for Christmas, I never knew he would use it on himself, I was only 13 at the time. I was the last person he saw when he did it. I opened the locked bathroom door and saw my dad in the bathtub bleeding profusely from his head. This is an image that I would never unseen. It fuk me up for a life time and effected me in my relationships. I've lived with this experience for all my life. I have no idea why I'm still here. Suppressed feelings I guess. I've struggled with addiction but no longer using. I'm surprised I haven't committed suicide myself....

My name I's Zach. I'm so sorry to hear about ur brother. It's touching to hear u and the sad story of ur brother. It's 5:10 in the morning and I'm going through depression and anxiety so this hits me knowing his name was Zach and iv thought about ending my life too

Thank you so much for this. I lost my big brother 8/14/2022. We were Irish Twins barely 11 months apart. He was 27. We both lived in WA state. He worked for Comcast as a cable tech and was amazing at his job. He played guitar for several bands and just a few days before he took his own life his album released on UKposts and Spotify. He was so funny and was my best friend. He was larger than life. I miss him every second of the day. I’m so sorry for your loss. The pain is incomparable.

Sometimes it is spiritual...and some simply wanna go home..bc our society is very cold✨🌟

I've just lost a sibling too. Thank you for sharing your story. I know there aren't any words.

I am so sorry. Its been 10 years since my brother's suicide. It still catches my breath away. Horrible complicated grief. 😢

I also lost my mom to suicide 3 years ago. I'm almost 27 now and it still hurts so much. Thanks for sharing your story ❤️🙏🏼

Sorry to for your loss. I lost my cousin to suicide 5 months ago. She was only 13 years old. Her mom passed away from covid last year. Didn't expect my cousin to take her own life. 😢💔 there was no signs that she was depressed.

I actually was Depressed and suicidal back in 2018 and didn’t end up going through with it cause I learned I wasn’t actually a burden to my loved ones. I realized my friends and family all loved me. I’m currently going through depression right now after learning bad news in February but I’m getting through it.

Oh Emily, I am so sorry. It takes a lot of courage to share your story and grief with the world but it is so important to have those tough conversations. I can tell from the way you spoke of him that he was a good man. As time goes on you will start remembering more of the good times with Zach more so than the way things unfolded even though it doesn’t seem like it now. Sometimes people need help dealing with grief and I hope you will seek it out if it becomes too much to bare. Much love to you and Josh.

Hearing your story about your brother brought my to tears 😢I did try to commute suicide 2 times and I felt in the intention and in the most horrendous way, after that I came to conclusion that God was having another plans for me I was on my early twenties when I did that. I’m 51 now and I’m ok , Tks god I have my days and I’m a lone wolf 🐺 but somehow I’m doing great. My heart goes to you and your mom and rest of the family.. the energy of your brother will follow u for the rest of ur life

My heart is with you as I experienced this in my own family with a sibling. This was 13 years ago. I was so shocked. I became depressed and lost a lot of weight. Thank God for my counseling which helped me. Life has filled in around me in the years since. But mine is a grief that never totally leaves me.

You have no idea how much hearing your story is helping me today. Thank you so so much for sharing this. Wishing you and Josh all the love and healing in the world.

Dr. Gordon Livingston, wrote a book after the loss of his son, it's called. "Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart". I highly recommend it Emily.

Some of us with depression have masterfully perfected our fake smile skills and fake happiness but deep down their is a void that we just don’t let out or let anyone find out, it’s just the bully in our heads and someone just can’t take it no more.

I´m so sorry for your loss I can´t imagine the pain you and your family must be going through. Thank you for sharing, I hope it can help someone, even if it´s just one person it has done everything.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m always coming to these stories to remind myself to hold on another day. Thank you. 🙏

I am so sorry for your loss. You are so brave. Thank you for sharing . Prayers for comfort and peace.

Ohh God this cut so deep! Words can never express the pain, thank you !

Thank you for sharing this. You helped me get through today😌

I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending you both loads of hugs. ♥️

I'm so sorry for you. Thank you for sharing this.

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that you find healing and comfort in sharing your story with us. 🙏

I'm sorry for your loss. Amazing courage to share your brothers story. We often don't hear from the family members of those who have lost someone to suicide. Thank you for sharing.

Hi, I am sorry for your lost. I lost my brother in Dec 31 2020. It has changed my life. When you said, him all alone in pain. That's what I felt , when I lost my brother. Depression is real. Take care , and what had helped me I'd staying busy.

Just heartbreaking to hear your story. You and Josh are so brave to post your videos and help people. Just humbling to watch such kind and amazing human beings such as yourselves. I'll be praying for you and your family. Take care

Emily thank you for sharing. I suffer with suicidal thoughts and have attempted taking my life twice. I would like to applaud you for your bravery. I know that your brother was a great man. It’s usually the phenomenal human beings that suffer the most in silence. Without the support of my husband, I know for a fact that I may not be here right now. I woke up this morning with thoughts of ending my life. I searched for something, ANYTHING to help with the racing thoughts. You have been my voice of reason today. Your brother is beyond proud of you. 🥰Please know that your strength is not in vain; for today, it saved ME. 🌹 Thank you Emily 🙇🏾‍♀️🙇🏾‍♀️🙇🏾‍♀️.

it’s really strong from your part doing this video, I am so sorry for your loss but at the same time so proud that you’re taking it so bravely. I think your brother still lives through you and your loved ones, and how you portray him to the rest and cherish his memory. Sending loads of love to you both

Thank you for sharing. I unexpectedly lost my 25 year old sister about 6 months ago. She was so deeply loved and I often catch myself wishing I could go back and do something differently. I struggle to find a balance between sharing her story, and keeping it safe, wrapped up against my heart. I find comfort in your words and knowing I am not alone in my grief journey. You help so many people through a variety of experiences by your sharing your family's story. One day at a time.. Sending love 💕

Thank you for sharing this. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss of Zach but I'm glad to have the opportunity to know who he was.

I am so sorry to hear of your profound loss. It’s clear that you love him very much and I hope that talking about him will help to bring you comfort and to remember all of the wonderful things that he was. It was an honour to hear your story and I’m glad that you and Josh have each other’s love and support.x

Thank you for sharing - so sorry for your loss ;(

Emily I am so deeply sorry for this tragic loss of your brother this is so sad and thank you for sharing your story with others.I can't tell you difficult this all has been for you and family.We all think the world of Josh and I appreciate what he shares with us too I send my love and hugs to you and Josh today❤❤

I'm so sorry for your loss, you have other people in your life to live for like Josh and your family ,you all have be strong to get over this grief.

Thank you for sharing your story, Emily. I am so sorry for your loss. You are so brave for opening up about this. Sending lots of love, and I hope you and Josh have a good time on Iceland.

I’m so very sorry for your loss🥲🥲🥲you’re doing great speaking out! Love and healing go to you ❤️❤️💜🙏🙏🙏

I’m so sorry for your loss, Emily. I’m glad we were able to create a space for you to share your story. I can’t relate to this entirely, but I lost my Dad 5 years ago to heart disease, and for the longest time I always kept returning to the very last memory of how he was in that hospital bed. After sometime the memory of him in the hospital bed started to get replaced of how wonderful of a man my Dad was. Soon, I know that will happen to you, the memories of the kind of person your brother was will overcome the memory that causes your anxiety. It will take time, but as you’ve mentioned just take it step by step at a time. Sending over a big virtual hug!

I’m so sorry for your loss Emily. Praying you receive all the healing, love and support ! Good on you for being so brave and sharing your story with us.

Thank you for sharing your story. It must have been very hard reliving these moments. You’re brother seemed like a wonderful person to have such a strong bond with his younger sister. I hope you’ll find it easier to remember him for all the greats things he did.

Emily, I'm so sorry. I know this is a loss you'll never completely get over. Ive experienced a loss like this too. I still grieve 6 years later. But we just continue on because what else can we do. You are so lucky to have an amazing support in Josh. You are not alone. Take it a day at a time. Some days will be better than others as you know. Thank you for sharing your story.

I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how difficult it is. I hope you can find some peace.

Emily, So sorry for your loss and your grief. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you for being brave and telling us your story. Sending hugs from 🇬🇧. Sorry for your loss. 💔 x

Thank you so much for sharing this. Talking about it and removing the stigma is such an important thing to do - and so emotionally generous of you.

So, so sorry for your loss. Your brother sounds like a great person. 🙏

Sending you and your family a lot of light that fills you life and gives you strength

I’m so sorry for your lost, Emily. Thank you for sharing this. It is very important to talk about mental health. You and Josh are very brave and beautiful humans.

Crying with you, Emily! Thank you so much for sharing x

Thank you for sharing this. It really does help ppl to hear from family survivors.

I am so sorry for your loss of your brother Emily. This is so heartbreaking. Thank you Josh for giving your beautiful wife the platform to speak about this. This is truly appreciated so much. God bless you guys !

You are such a beautiful person!! Thank you so much for talking to us, for sharing even though it's so painful!! I wish I could hug you and send you all the warmth I see in your eyes! I feel with you!

Thank you for sharing your story and being so vulnerable. Walking through grief is not something that has a timeframe and the stages don't go in any order and many times repeat as we move through it. Thank you for sharing the rough parts because life is all of these things.

My oldest brother did this. My mom called me 11 years ago when I was getting ready for work and told me to sit down, she went on to tell me that my brother was found in his car in the woods on his property with a single gun shot wound to the head. The police said his rosary was wrapped around his hand and there was a pile of cigarette butts outside the car door. I looked up to him, he was my role model growing up. My favorite brother honestly. It turned my whole world upside down. I learned to live with this, but I'm not the same. I'm so sorry for your loss, and the violence of it. And all the scenarios and what ifs and the images that play through your mind. If it taught me one thing it's that suicide is not an option because I know what it would do to my family, I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy, let alone my family. I felt grief and denial and then anger for the longest time. I went to my mom's grave on Mother's Day this year to leave her flowers but she didn't have a vase yet so I left her flowers with my brother it was the first time I'd been to his grave since he died. It was just too disturbing to even visit his grave it took me 10 years to do it, but I'm glad I did. It it was the first time I felt some peace about it in all this time. The more family I have in that cemetery, I like to think they're together again.

thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. it takes a lot of strength to look beyond the tragedy and grief you are suffering to think of others who may be contemplating a similar path. I am glad for your relationship and the way you share together, it gets you through the tough times.

I'm so sorry for your loss, this video is making a difference and Zach won't be forgotten.

This breaks my heart.. I’m so so sorry for your loss Emily!

Thank you for being such a brave woman and shareing such important story. I think - to share such an important story and want to make people aware of this whole mental illness topic - is a good way to deal with such a heavy grief. Your words were so authentic that I cried. I really hope that you and the people close to your heart will find a way to manage this pain. I think your mindset is in the right place. Every day is one step forward. ❤️

So sorry for your loss. All the best to you and your family.

Very sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing. I lost my older brother the same way a few months after yours. The shock is unimaginable and horrible to experience.

I am so sorry for your loss Emily. This is truly heartbreaking. Just hearing this has made me upset/sad to know that he was suffering and in pain. I think that when somebody is depressed and gravitates towards wanting to commit suicide or having thoughts of such a thing they just want to end their suffering and also want to end the pain and suffering of people they know and their loved ones as well. People who go through this have very noble intentions but may end up feeling like they are a burden not just to their family but to society. As you said Emily, they don't realise that their grief will just pass on to those around them.

Lovely to meet you, Emily. Thank you for sharing your story. I have every sympathy having had 2 cousins die from suicide 💔

Thank you Emily for your deep sharing of your loss of Zack. Keep talking about him, share his stories. His soul lives on forever through you and his children. Sending you love peace and healing.

Emily, thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your loss.

Thank you for sharing. I know it is incredibly hard. Your video will help many people. Blessings.

Thank you so much for sharing Emily, my heart goes out to you and your family. Zack sounds he was an amazing person and I would have loved to have met him. I've had many very dark nights in my life and videos such as yours have helped me so so much. My aunt passed away in similar circumstances and while I was young when it happened, seeing how it devastated my mom has always stayed with me. I hope can find some peace and just know that this video WILL help someone.

Thank you, Emily, for sharing your painful and tragic story. I pray that each day my bring you just a little less pain. I'm so glad that you have Josh by your side.

I am so sorry for your loss of your brother. 😔 This was so brave and courageous of you to share this story and experience. I can't imagine how painful and hard this must be. I love how you said how important it is to talk about this stuff and mental health and not hold it in. I love what you and Josh are doing on this platform. I realllllllly enjoy listening to you both. It is nice to meet you. I am sending you SO MUCH LOVE!💗 and a BIG HUG. May you and your family recieve whatever it is you need through this difficult time and feel supported. It is incredible how connected I feel to others when they share there experiences.

Thank you for sharing your perspective. Honestly, I attempted a few years ago and I pretty much felt the same way as your brother. I knew my family would be sad, but somehow my mind kept convincing me that they would just get over it quickly and move on like when my grandparents died. That it was better for them if I wasn’t around in the long run. You’re story really helped me imagine how sad they would actually be if something bad happened to me. Thank you for having the courage to post your story online. 🖤

It is so important to talk. Thank you for having the strength to share your story and remind us that we are all loved💕

You are so incredibly strong Emily for sharing Zach’s and your story. I hope you can find that space to heal and navigate through the grief and pain. Thank you for the reminder to cherish every moment I have with the ones I love.

Thanks a lot Emily. I am very sorry for your loss. It broke my heart to see you cry like that while talking about him. Stay strong. Love ❤️.

I am so sorry for your loss, thank your for sharing this with us, we appreciate your courage so much. Be strong, and know you aren't alone ❤️ you are so loved and he is as well❤️

Hey Emily. I’m sorry to hear what happened to Zach but I’m glad to hear about Zach. By talking about him, wanting to make a difference and help others - you are honouring him already, and that’s super cool. Thank you for sharing.

Tough to watch, but amazing bravery to share with a bunch of unknowns. I feel that pit of depression it’s a dark ugly place that you can’t seem to see a way out of. Yeah people offer help, but, to me I just feel even weaker and more of a burden to some that it aggravates the position. Some days you just want to disappear. Massive respect for sharing again. Maybe this is what people who suffer the thoughts need to see, what’s left behind, the pain, the emptiness, see that we are worthy we are loved and those closest to us need us.

I feel sorry for your loss and hope you do feel better after revealing this on UKposts. Saying out emotion is tough but it helps. Good luck with both of you :)

Hi Emily, thank you for sharing this and for being brave enough to tell Zach's story. I cannot fathom the pain from losing someone like that. We need to make it more socially acceptable for men to share what they're feeling, it's so toxic that we have somehow made it up that it's a sign of weakness, but in reality it's a sign of strength!!! I myself have been having suicidal ideations lately and it's been really tough to deal with it. So, I can relate to you and to your brother in many ways. Sending you so so much light and strength to you and your family

I'm so sorry. I wish that society as a whole took mental health more seriously. Thank you for sharing

So sorry for your loss but please know that your bravery to share this story will help many. You and Josh seem like such genuine, kind people - so thank you.

I’ve been dealing with suicidal thoughts for months but everyone they come up I force myself to watch these videos to remind myself I can’t put my family and loves one’s through that kind of grief I won’t do it

So sorry for your loss. When you get to the stage of acceptance, just remember despite the time your brother's life lasted, he mattered. Try to focus on the impact he made on people's lives. Even though you are clearly in mourning, you are still trying to put out positive messages. Really appreciate that and your courage to share.

So sorry for your loss, Emily. Thanks for sharing this heartbreaking story. It'll help someone, I'm sure. 💜 A lot of people don't know half of how important they are to the people around them.

Hi Emily, Thanks for sharing and being so vulnerable. Your pain is palpable and I unfortunately understand it. I'm so sorry. I hope sharing this important story and the life of your loved brother helps you move into your grief journey. I won't say move forward because that's dismissive and we don't move through it in a linear fashion. If ever. Something that helped me move into my grief was group and individual grief counselling. Our local hospice offers it for free. I am Canadian. Sending so much love and light to you and yours. 💛

Emily that was so hard to watch but I’m glad you shared this. I would love to hear you speak more about Zach. It will help you through your grief. Thank you so much for sharing this.

Sending you all the love and strength and energy in the world

Happened to me with my best and only friend in college around 10 years ago. Ever since I get these waves of sadness and guilt which brings me down for days alone in my room. I wish I could share your pain Emily and give you a hug. I will pray that you and your family can bare this pain. And yes this doesn't define your brother, you guys define him.

Sending you so much hugs and love, loss is so confusing and painful. I know I can't say anything to fix what happened but we all love both of you so much ❤️❤️❤️.

Emily your face lights up when you talk about how awesome your bother is. Thank you for sharing with us. Suicide has touched my life directly and I felt like I was in a fog for years. Sending love.

I'm so sorry for your lost darling and thank you for sharing your story. It warmed my heart when you smiled when describing his character and the memories you shared with your brother I feel like there is alot of healing in that. Cherish those memories and always remember him with love. Thank you Josh for being there for Emily and letting her share this platform. Love you both beautiful people ❤😘

I’m so sorry for your lost. Was so hard watching the pain you’re in 😔

Thanks Emily, I lost my brother Dan about a month ago and it’s been really hard. It helps to hear other peoples stories. Wishing you guys the best. Jim

I’m so sorry for your loss, and the grief you continue to carry with you. I’ve been struggling this year. I lost my brother to suicide back in May. He was found in time to be raced to the hospital, and was kept alive for almost two days (in time for me to see him and say my goodbyes), but he was already declared brain dead. It’s a harrowing experience that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Thank you for sharing your struggle, it’s heartbreaking but I honor your strength. Much love and light to you and your family. ❤️