Rule One is not universal… I’ve heard the opposite about Narcissism, for example, that if you question whether you are a narcissist, you probably aren’t a narcissist. Also, after nearly 25 years in a relationship, I think there is a difference between questioning your relationship and what you should do about that relationship. Just because you aren’t feeling the love does not mean it’s the wrong person, or the wrong job. Sometimes you need to shift rather than jump… and sometimes people can be so busy chasing the perfect thing that they miss out on a lot of good.

I have a trick on how to appreciate the hard times. I think of it as a movie. Most movies are about the struggle… they don’t start with the good ending. Sometimes I even think of a particular movie that’s similar to my situation which makes me realize that I’m actually in the most interesting and exciting phase. When you look back at it later, it always becomes a story/ movie in your mind anyway. Works for me 🤷‍♀️

If you’re struggling, it means you’re growing. This is so true ❤

I’ve found that 5 min gratitude journaling helped rewire my ingrained negativity bias

Please interview Dr. K, it would be such a legendary convo!

Famous quote from Rumi: "The cure for pain is in the pain."

Truth 5 it home, Im a year after my divorce from a man who routinely disrespected me via infidelity , manipulation deceit ect, eventually I found the strength to leave , it’s been hard , but I have taken the time to build my self respect , reflect on my actions in my marriage and how I let him treat me , it’s been sobering but so important.

So true about getting applause for all the work you put in when no one is looking. My daughter just won an art contest and I asked her how she did it. She said, well, first I made a sketch and planned it out, yada yada. Then I said no, would you have been able to achieve the same result if that was the first drawing you ever did? No. It was the years of practice she spent since she was very young that allowed her to achieve such a great result.

To bluntly share experience of mine, I spent high school being very insecure and unsure and all that. College was a time of coming out of that a bit, but nothing changed for me like it did after I graduated college. My long-time childhood dog had died a month before graduation, I started working a job in live show business (which is as hectic as it sounds) right after I got home from college, and my grandma died two months later! Not to mention my college experience was nothing like the exciting image of college that’s sold to everyone! Either way, it was within these six months that a lot of major sh*t happened and I decided I wanted to grow up and be much more of an adult in my life than I was the past eight years by actually working on living the meaningful life I want to live!

Not only does your health improve, your clarity of mind improves drastically after you become sober for a long time. People are discovering this more over the years as of late.

This concept about boring has saved me thousands and helped me look at my ADHD dopamine hits a fresh to not medicate. I’m big on clothes 😂, buying the exciting looking stuff I will never wear 😢, nothing matched.. it was driving me crazy! all this stuff no wear. I’ve a boring wardrobe now and it works! Also my new career has so much admin! It’s boring but it’s important.. I often think now what’s the meaning, not what am I feeling.. what’s the thing I’m not doing right now that’s right in front of me that needs doing.. it’s getting easier xx

Thank you for sharing this great discussion. I can remember my martial arts instructor telling the class that it is important that we practise and train the fundamentals daily; any advance and complex items are ultimately not as effective when our fundamentals are poor.

I think the benefit of gratitude is when you live a decent life you receive so much gratitude from those lives you touch that it becomes a beautiful circular phenomenon.

Mark, you look so good after quiting Alcohol. hat is also an added benefit along with getting your life back.

This channel is not only practical but with stark logic !

I loved this episode! ❤ so much truth in it! What resonated more with me was the fault and responsibility part! Thank you, Mark!

Uncle Randy! That guy's been through it, I respect him tremendously. That's so cool you know each other.

Speaking of highs and lows, good times and hard times, People believe they want to be on the mountain peaks, but all the food grows in the valleys.

Your book The subtle art helped me through a very rough 2021 year. Loving this podcast!

One of the best videos you have put up, Mark! Glad I sat through it 👍

Wrong about the gratitude thing. What we intentionally think and feel is what we will unintentionally think and feel.

For Truth #5: "One day you will look back on your problems today with nostalgia and fondness. Learn to appreciate them now." I appreciate the sentiment of this one, but I think it's the nature of the human mind to look back with nostalgia and fondness, always. We (ideally) learn from the negative things but we remember the lovely positive things in this warm/surreal way... right? So I don't think it's possible to appreciate things now in the SAME WAY as nostalgia works, but I get that appreciating things makes you feel good. I think these are separate things. Edit: 36:53 actually explains the link a bit more. It's quite hidden but I get it now!

Listening to this reading a book about how to build confidence 😂 what he said about getting it even further rather than becoming confident really got me...

As a musician, I can DEFINITELY relate with practicing and enjoying the BORING stuff.

Great thought-provoking episode. I understand how hard it can be finding a community due to working in the Construction Industry and having to move every few years to the next project. I believe Mark & his Wife would enjoy Northern California based on their interests and would be pleasantly surprised in the differences it has from SoCal.

This is the type of content I’ve wanted since you started UKposts! Not you on a beach while a trap beat lo-fi song patters away in the background while the editing feels like an episode of Robot Chicken. I don’t really feel like I NEED your advice like I used to but this format just makes me WANT to listen and watch regardless. Bravo!

Consistent small things over intensity. That was such a good part! The parenting too. People want connection over extravagance. Its the little things. Made sense. Ty!

#2 also applies to sports. It totally pisses me off when commentators proclaim that the latest star of a national team or major professional league team, for example, "has appeared out of nowhere" and is "an overnight success". When in fact they have spent years in the lower grades honing their skills and abilities, putting in the training drills, and staying fit, etc.

Thanks for sharing this! I have to read the Atomic Habits book one more time.

Great conversation, simple and refreshing!

So if I question if I'm crazy.... I'm actually crazy, right? I'm not convinced that asking questions to test self awareness implicates a definitive problem but love you, man and appreciate what you do.

I'm glad to see you're back to posting more challenging videos as opposed to the easy-click "happiness" videos

Coming back to the comments section! #2: I tried the piano playing thingy by pressing the fingers with the other hand lol. I won’t do it as much but it’s freaking cool it really forces you to notice the fingering and it removes the mechanical part of getting good. Probably? I am a total newbie but I love doing scales and I know some songs. This exercise makes you unlearn them because the hands forget you have to “rebrain” everything that’s painfully interesting.

Truth can be assumed to be boring and yet multiple truths can exist at the same time, which us a whole different ball game together

For the last point, I always thought that what happened to me was my fault and that I deserved to be punished if I did something wrong. Whenever something bad happened to me, I just thought that I deserved it because I was a horrible person for making mistakes that hurt people.

I lived in SoCal for 12 years, and this is accurate to a T. Living in DC now, and the diversity of background, culture, thinking, and lifestyles is refreshing.

‘There’s no such thing as ‘rising to the occasion’ - you sink to the level of your preparedness.” Seemed a relevant quote for this conversation.

I'm glad it's not just me who didn't get on with gratitude journals. Made me sick as a parrot! At the end of the day, we're all different, with different problems, so one size will definitely not fit all.

When I was massively into creative writing as a teenager, I used to LOVE revision work... I probably loved it even more than actually writing. Maybe that's why the people who've read my writing says it's really good. Unfortunately haven't been at it for years now, due to studying -- and then life just happened. Considering to return to it, though. I've started powerlifting in the meanwhile, though, and it's taught me many of the same principles. I see so many powerlifters bullshit their time away with these "ego boost variations" that enable them to add 10+ kgs to their lifts during training (like banded variations)... and then complain about their lifting never progressing. Meanwhile I've been doing insane volume programs that have beaten me into the ground; I regularly do variations that disadvantage me and make me have to use lighter weigths... and my main lifts keep progressing. One of the most important mindset shifts I had while enduring illness after illness last year was "I'm not here to feel good; I'm here to get the work done". It's not about what one does in a single training session, but what one has been doing for the past few weeks, months, ultimately years, that build the results one's trying to attain.

For Truth #1: "When it comes to health, wealth, and love, if you think you have a problem, then you have a problem." What if you have anxieties about health, wealth or love that are actually irrational and therefore you don't have a problem with health, wealth or love. Rather, you have a problem with your perspective, with negative thinking and believing these thoughts strongly... right?

Hi Mark, your perspective is mostly spot on. Thank you for sharing your mind with us. Much love from Kenya. ❤❤❤

Love your podcast and all the books too… and I dig Drew (hope I spelled that right)🙌🏻 Keep grinding 🎉

Life is a chaplet of little miseries which the philosopher counts with a smile. --Alexandre Dumas

Mark, I’m a big fan. Love your books and instagram reminders. I had to laugh that you commented on the tedium of being an author, but then talked about you struggle doing the same thing as a musician. Would love to hear more about that. I wonder if it was just the life stage you were in?

I am surprised that you two have an understanding of gratitude that is very different from mine. You say that is "better to lean into what is bugging you". I do this and practise gratitude. Both practices are fully compatible. I try to start and finish each day with a gratitude practice. Genuine gratitude makes you humble and compassionate. Genuine gratitude is a very positive feeling. You cannot hold a negative feeling at the very moment you are feeling genuine gratitude.

Mark, i would like to challenge your explanation on gratitude journals. I am an extremely grateful person and i LOVE writing in an gratitude journal everyday!!!

When I stopped drinking the question of whether I was or not always lurked in the back of my mind. I got it down to am I better off with it or without? The answer was and is to this day indisputable.

12:23 As a junior golfer, this is very true for my (or anyone else's) golf game. I think that besides the driving game, putting and short game is the most important. But putting practices are utterly boring to that player. On the PGA or LIV tour, what differs between 62 and 65 isn't the accuracy of approach shots, it's how many putts (especially from 8-20 ft) they convert on the course.

im from SF california and when i go to parties its often tech people at parties and they talk about tech. me and my friends are locals born and raised and also in social service education type jobs. so i feel the same. then people are surprised to meet me a native SF resident! so we feel the same. people still love to move here no matter where they come from or how expensive housing costs.

Number 6 is a tricky one, because it can easily be mistranslated into "all the problems you're experience are all your fault, all the time, and nothing bad happens to you," which just simply isn't true.

"Give your kids half the money you think you should and spend twice as much time with them as you think you should." This needs to be on signs sold at stores and plastered in as many places as possible.

Love this episode, helpful and entertaining 😂👍🏻

I think ppl tell others they have a problem so they can try to sell a solution. And to try to get power over them in some way. There have been times in my life where I didn't have any problems, there was nothing I felt like I needed to ask. Stuff can happen that bothers us and then a new journey begins towards peace and happyness, something I find amusing is how it seems like the natural response to the thing that bothers us is to punish/kill the cause. Which in a sense is efficient but the legal system is in the way of.

I generally find Mark's points to be excellent, but I have to argue with #1 here - we often make up problems around things, especially in this era of social media. Anorexics always say "i'm too fat" - and in a less extreme way, don't you have that friend who is a gym rat but thinks they aren't doing enough?

Mate, love your work. Based on your experience, what’s the top three things you did consistently to lose and keep your weight off?

Very rarely i can clearly tell someone is more intelligent than me but Mark is definetly one of them

"Nine cheeseburgers". That's what I keep coming back to. I don't remember where I heard it, but a guy trying to lose weight mentioned he sometimes ate ten cheeseburgers in a day and the guy trying to help him simply offered "maybe try nine cheeseburgers". Brilliant.

I just moved to the beach in Santa Monica. Just moved from Atlanta and I've lived in the Bay Area and the northeast before. I feel like LA as a whole is pretty diverse in terms of background and experience if you go out and explore. Not sure what kind of people / groups you hang out with though. So much ground to cover when you include the entire greater LA area and wilderness. More to LA than just West LA hahaha.

Rule 2&3 reminded me of a time when I was a guest on a friend's stream. He had me play a very difficult platforming game (called Bloody Trapland), while we talked. He was a master at it, and could speedrun the game if he wanted. Considering its my first time, and I'm usually terrible at platformers, I understandably died a lot during the show. But i kept trying while he talked. 100s and 100s of tries go by and my friend finally stops to say "holy crap, did you download more RAM or something? Not long ago you couldnt even pass the first hazard. Now you're weaving through it like I did." I couldn't explain the change. it just happened, and every new level the process would start over. The one thing that i think helped was detaching from the outcome. It didn't matter to me if I beat the level. We were just entertaining some strangers. What mattered is that i kept trying and that paradoxically resulted in me beating the level anyways.

Thanks for sharing

Thanks

Great video although I think whilst the first point is true for most people in most situations, if you’v got extreme anxiety and catastrophize and overanalyse everything you may be more likely to will problems into existence

Truth #3 19:55 reminds me of the old moral story of "The rabbit and the turtle", in which the turtle, despite being so slow, ends up winning because the rabbit thought he could afford to be sloppy by being fast and intense while the turtle was slow but consistent!

Thx man i appreciate your work👍

Your comment Mark, about seeing the same therapist decade after decade, makes total sense to me. That being said, I've been seeing my massage therapist for about three years. I do see an end to regular sessions in the near future. What makes this relationship work for me are three things. I am getting a lot better at being completely truthful and honest with her, about what's really going on, what's a priority right now. Clear boundaries and understanding about what she and I can do, and not do. I am instigating huge changes in life, and she is realky good at keeping me grounded, and accepting reality, as painful as it is. There are concerns in my life I see a counselor for, and friends, and joining groups and meeting as many people in my life as I can, is helping me a lot. Do not isolate yourself ever. Thanks for cutting through the noise of life Mark. That's another thing I need in my life, cutting out the bs and excuses.

What you said about California definitely resonated with me and I'm from Australia hard to find your people so when you do don't let go of them

Can't relate to fondly remembering bad times. That has never happened to me.

Î swear this is the most complete thought I ever listened to

Hi mark, I'm a mandarin-speaking, tap-dancing, singing performer based out of Los Angeles. Have you met others just like me out here😂?

Favorite podcast ❤

I am quitting alcohol because of you!

I love your really good timestamps!!! ❤ Please keep doing timestamps!!!

Your LA vs NYC analysis is spot on. I lived in both places.

On # 1: When I asked my ex-husband of 20 years to attend counseling with me his response, “I don’t have a problem you do, so no.” When he messaged his coworker several days a week at dinner with our kids and I, and even in our bed he maintain he did not have a problem. Three years of this. He does not pay child support despite living in a $2M house. Also not a problem to him. So, if someone does not “have to” ask it’s not a problem? If he actually asked we might have solved some of these issues.

A non-fic author i like said she has been confronted by many people who say they have had the same experiences and that they could have easily wrote her book. Her response, "maybe, but you didn't."

Another banger video. Appreciate you Mark.

Drew is getting more comfortable on screen and he’s actually kind of cool. 🙂

Los Angeles is extremely diverse. Mark claims it isn't, likely because he lives in West LA, where the majority of people are non-Hispanic white. (He also states he lives by the beach, where people tend to be wealthier.) This is his personal experience with the people of Los Angeles and is not reflective of the facts. Nearly 36% of the LA population is foreign-born or immigrant (the same % as New York City). The majority of the foreign-born population comes from Latin America (~65%, over 50% of our total population is Hispanic), and a large minority from Asia (~26%, mostly from China and the Philippines). LA has significant numbers (and some of the highest in the U.S.) of Saudi Arabian expats, American Indians/Alaska Natives, Romas, Mexican Americans, Italian Americans, Muslims/Romani, Louisiana Creoles, Puerto Ricans, Armenians, Filipino Americans, and Thai people. Mark offers the caveat that he knows LA is "ethnically diverse" but has observed that everyone thinks the same way, yet believes they are unique and individual. In 2023 government surveys, the majority of BIPOC members of Los Angeles report that their experiences and needs do not feel represented by the LA City Council. Additionally, LA is one of the most religiously diverse and pluralistic cities in the world. Nearly every religion and denomination that exists can be found in L.A. Furthermore, the breakdown of employment in LA shows a very even spread across occupational categories, from sales, to education, to food service, to health, to construction. Even entertainment only makes up 7% of all employment in LA. Mark should also be careful when stating that California as a whole is not diverse. In the United States, 7 of the 10 most diverse cities are in California, with LA ranked at #8. New York City is often considered more of a "melting pot" because of the city's design, which forces more communities to live close together. LA is spread out, making diverse groups more isolated from each other. It's harder to see this inherent diversity if you stay in your corner of the city and don't make an effort to travel to Koreatown, Chinatown, Little Tokyo, Little Armenia, Thai Town, Little Ethiopia, Historic Filipinotown, and so many more. While I generally appreciate Mark's content, when he makes sweeping demographic claims without backing them up with trusted citations/fact-checking, it makes me not trust the rest of his content and claims. Sources: www.census.gov/quickfacts/fact/table/losangelescitycalifornia/PST045222 data.census.gov/profile/Los_Angeles_city,_California?g=160XX00US0644000#populations-and-people datausa.io/profile/geo/los-angeles-ca#demographics www.usnews.com/news/cities/slideshows/the-10-most-racially-diverse-big-cities-in-the-the-us?onepage

about the second truth, as a songwriter/producer/artist the amount of hours i spend sitting in front of a screen tryna come up with, create and record what sounds good makes me wanna just wipe the table of all instruments and tech and just let AI replace me... but when it does pay off, there is nothing quite like that high

Bullseye on the difference between New York and California. One of the best descriptions I've ever heard.

I like California because we have high end dance and fitness classes. No apologies. Let’s be the best we can kind of attitude. Anyways, housing is a problem here and I wish our ocean was turquoise and warm, but… No. 2 is so true. Dancing cool and sexy involves the transitions from one move to the next. The tedious work on making sure your ankles are strong, your neck is malleable, your turns are strong and smooth. Hours and yearsssssssss of work.

My chance to “piss people off” 🤣 as a person with multiple degrees, including Nursing I have looked for the silver bullet for Health as well, and it is not in a package. Just like you say good health is doing all the boring things that most people don’t want to do like getting enough rest, getting enough exercise, eating healthy whole foods. There is no glitz in it. (things that come in a package are just greatly marketed.) We can’t find any real studies that show vitamins in a pill form improved health as most of it is excreted, thus the joke in nursing school is that you’re buying expensive pee 🤣

Thanks! This was actually very helpful!

Groupthink in CA is hilarious. Especially the part where everyone thinks their ideas and selves are so unique.

Some thoughts: anything that becomes an obsession, drugs, drinking, gambling , exercise, shopping, starving ones self etc is avoiding their real life. Basics are the heart of excellence. Do simple things well and others often think it is genius.

The more I get to know Drew, the more I find him similar to me. Same type of struggles, so I find his insights very useful.

Truth number 3 should be foundation for all the other truths!!!!!!

Thanks. Mark Manson podcasts Spotify aren't available in my country. I dont have an IPhone for the Apple Podcast. Thus, I am leaving FIREEE here, Mark!

Love you guys, thanks .

Therapy is a means to an end. If you never arrive at the end, the therapy isn’t working. I’ve arrived at a point where i avoid looking at anything i do as being “therapeutic”. To me it implies an underlying issue in need of it. It’s preferred to see activities through the lens of “health maintenance” practices. That presupposes all is running reasonably well & I’m just aiming to keep it that way. Could be deluding myself, but that’s better than starting from a mental point of being constantly broken & in need of repair.

I knew there was more than 1 reason I fucked with you, fellow metal head. Randy is a good friend, he helped get my first band a deal & was the most humble dude I’ve ever met not only in metalcore but in music.

In regards to what u said at the beginning of rule three It’s actually a lot of effort to change, but it’s your choice how u split that effort Over a long consistent period of time or 1 month of intensive efforts Note that consistency is more sustainable that’s the reason why it’s king

Excellent stuff - SHORTER is better for people like me (extremely middle class/ don't live in "your world/subculture) - I'm encouraging my teen students here in rural far Upstate NY to tune in!

This is great! Thank you guys

Love your books, i lost my self respect, my self esteem, lost my dream relationship, got stagnant, depressed, and she left, i lost my job, my car broke down. But now i got a better job, trying to build myself up stronger!, but tbh i miss my ex, i miss our life together and i hate myself for losing her, dont think i will evermeet one so great again🙁 but everything else is getting better, but god i miss her, i know i hurt her

You are amazing with every video, may G.B.U.

Very good insights ! Except as a native Angeleno; you're not describing LA, just the Westside! LA is extremely diverse once yo go East of La Brea/south of Venice Blvd. Westside is notorious for being full of bland industry expats

Merk, I respect your and everything you do for people. I also respect myself and I pay youtube premium to avoid all those stupid ads, that are everywhere nowadays. But sometimes I don’t understand why I pay this ads free subscription and still have those product placements every 5 minutes. I’m personally ok with one product per video. I like to hear you, but not those stupid ads 😉

I have personal experience with number 2. For example: guitar. Playing guitar is cool, once you know how to play it, but *practicing* is like "UUGGGGH! 😮‍💨"

Loving the 'THE SUBTLE ART OF NOT GIVING A F*CK PODCAST' - Real advice given in a simple and authentic way. What you need to hear, without the Bullshit.