This was deep!!!

I agree 💯 percent

Agree completely.

Biggest understatement!

And that's why they hate me...

thats a perfect trauma sence in a movie ima write it down

💯💯💯💯💯

On the flip side because enablers are some of the worst: "He's my son, I can't kick him out." "SO YOU'LL LET YOUR DAUGHTER SUFFER??"

A parent can have multiple children but you can only have one mother and one father. They can afford to discard you if you are ungrateful but you can afford to deny your roots. When we trim the leaves of a plant, they regrow but when we cut off the roots, it dies.

​@marvelousoui4393 I glad you seem to have a great relationship with both patents/guardians. I get where you are coming from with your opinion, but why minimize a person's worth to owing their parent or not losing touch with your roots/you can be replaced? That is an apathetic view on traumatic experiences and the ability to enforce the concept 'no, never again'. I have no contact with my father, but my sister is working on having a relationship with him. I can see him as a person with scars of his own or flaws, doesn't mean I should force myself to forgive trauma and fear he gave me during my most vulnerable years of life. Adult children who do this are not being rash, holding grudges, or missing out on a relationship. They are deciding to live the fullest life possible without trying to put in constant effort to please their abusers. I worked to have a relationship with my dad but realized, at 18, that he would continue to hurt me and my sister. I would continuously be harmed. Also, don't ever have more than one child with the expectation of discarding or expecting them to care for you if you raise them. How you treat your kids will determine the relationship later in life.

Elaborate.

@@mechanirawhat do they need to elaborate??😂 im sure I can elaborate it for you.

@@ezbred8145 I'm just confused which side they're on

@@mechaniraThey are talking about how family members would rather silence victims and hide the wrong doing of their abusive or even rapist family members to keep the family from looking bad

​@@mechaniraFor real? I'll tell you that in many cultures, having an outwardly successful, shiny public image is something that must be protected at all costs. If the reality is one of abuse, neglect and rampant narcissism, and a child "outs" his/her parents as being crappy parents, the fury of the family will fall on them - because now everyone knows they're actually shitty people instead of the paragons of virtue and hood parenting they want to portray themselves as.

This is the truth 😢i really needed to hear this. You have said it as it is, exactly my situation.

So this. For 40 years I tried to make it work, in any way you mentioned and more, untill I gave up. It was always so stressfull and hurtful. How I wish I had a different relationship, loving and caring. I see her on birthdays, christmas and easter, and that's enough.

Was easy for me

Sometimes wonder if I should have split. But my "family" would have condemned me

@@hey_itsashley.j I’m sorry you had to go no contact too, it’s not easy. I hope you’re doing well.

I victim blame those who victim blame. They are shocked when you use their words against them. It puts them into the position of a victim being blamed because they feel like they are the victim in that situation.

Many thanks. We are vilified by speaking out.

Yep i hate that Bs 😊

Boy you cant preach enough

@@evilds3261Sadly in my experience this tactic doesn’t work as well as you’d think it would. I had a “friend” during childhood who would ALWAYS find some way to blame me for bad things that happened to me, even if there was literally no one to blame. Parents lose their shit at me over some benign reason and I try venting to her about it? “Well you probably did SOMETHING to deserve it. Parents don’t just get angry for no reason.” Getting bullied at school? “Well you’re probably giving them SOMETHING to pick on you for. Just ignore them and they’ll leave you alone.” Teacher gives me more shit than anyone else in the class despite me being the quietest, least disruptive member of the class? “Well you have to follow the teacher’s rules. They’re there for a reason.” According to her, she wouldn’t be a “true friend” if she “let me get away with it” or whatever, like wtf did I “get away with”? I had a few (very satisfying) moments where I was able to turn her own shitty words back at her, hoping it would put the whole thing into perspective, but she and many others like her just can’t connect the dots in their heads. Thankfully I don’t speak to her any more.

tell that to the court systems.

@@ericolens3 the court does not force you to keep in contact with parents, u good? U mad cuz you treated someone terribly and they hate you for it?

​@@ericolens3Found the MRA.

​@@ericolens3Courts don't force adults to keep contact with their parents.

Those are the people that think that having kids is the bare minimum.

Wow sorry to here that

My life is just getting worst

I am in my early 20s and almost mid 20s in 1 more year And still getting abused

Same

Same here

The ol "you go deal with the abuse and cynicism so we can continue to pretend to look like a happy family"

​@@thebae9589 there are so many families that love people's perception of them and their family far more than they'll ever actually love said family.

​@@fawnieee You said it 👏👏👏

I stopped talking to my dad for seven months. Nonstop did I hear family members say you should fix your relationship, you should check up on him as if what he did to me was insignificant and that I shouldn't be hurt by the things he said and did to me. I eventually started talking to my dad again and started rebuilding a relationship. But one thing that really pissed me off is when I mentioned that he sends me money twice a month (*I'm a college student and he rather me not work), and my aunt literally said "aren't you glad that you started talking to your dad again, since he's sending you money." I think that seven months of not talking really helped us, but that comment really disgusted me , as if I'm supposed to have someone in my life who really hurt me stay in it because they are helping to pay for stuff. That's like saying to someone "you should stay in a abusive relationship even though they abuse you at least they take care of you"

It’s so true! My step dad is bipolar and unmedicated and always has been. Been physically and emotionally abusive to me and I would stand up for myself and all my mom would do is say “you’re both acting like children”. Difference is I was a child and he was a grown man that knows better. I haven’t talked to him in nearly two years and the whole time my mom would push to me talking to him whenever I see him at family events. There’s a reason I refuse to talk to him and that’s an apology I’m never going to get. He put his hands on me and my ex saw it so he beat the shit out of him. And when it blew over he apologized to my ex who beat the shit out of him but not me who he beat the shit of. It just shows he doesn’t respect me and I can’t stand how my mom and other family members can say I’m being childish for refusing to talk to him but I have told everyone. All I want is an apology and then I’ll consider making small talk. He knows it everyone knows it and after 2 years still nothing.

Exactly, would you do that to your Dog or Cat, no, so if you wouldn't do that to a fur Baby then why the fuck do it to a Child!😒

My abusive father took his anger on our dog too (slammed his head on the floor, kicked him in the ribs and he flew halfway across the apartment...) sooo what if they answer yes? T-T Well i do think my family would hate him after hearing that he hit the dog, but why is hitting his wife and daughter not enough...?

My dad hit and kicked my dogs when mad at them. Now the first one is scared of random objects and jumps at noise. 😁 I was the autistic kid, unfortunately. You can imagine how my relationship with my father is.

wtf you even trying to prove with this …

@@jasminevictoria4652 It's pointing out the hypocrisy of physical punishment toward human children vs toward dogs and other pets.

lol

I am being the bigger person by not allowing myself to be engaged by behaviour that isn't acceptable, and pivoting my energy towards constructive loving endeavours.

@@ssboschky When you don't engage with unacceptable behavior you are passively letting it continue to exist. I understand that this is very difficult to deal with terrible behavior and I think it isn't our job to fix everyone. What we do need is not turn a blind eye to bad behavior. We can't just say "yeah this is bad, but I'm not gonna do anything about it because it's a waste of time". If we can't convince the person doing the terrible thing, we can at least convince others that they shouldn't be like this.

​​@@htpkey yeah, like say something. just don't accknowledge their stupidity. but don't stay quiet. your words are the most important. you are NOT as small as they want you to be. as they try to make you believe. you are much much louder and wiser. as long as we can handle it and it doesn't cost us our mental health, baby steps, absolutely. that's a hard one. need the right tools hah Not easy but not impossible! ☺️🤗

@@aurora_boketto7746 Agree!

It's strange how people expect you to be the bigger person when, beforehand, they treated you like you were so small that you were practically invisible to them

Oh. That is so accurate. That is such an insightful and clearcut way to summarize so much painful chaos. Thank you for sharing.

F****ck, that puts it so succinctly.

That's so we'll said. Thank you for sharing this. There's so many of us that have lived thru this. I wish more ppl understand they are NOT alone. That single fact, that I was not alone, helped me feel so much better. I hope it helps someone else.

I believe as an heyoka empath.

That is just pure poetry

Your friend probably had already grieved the loss of her parents before they died. She grieved the ones she never had. So there was nothing left to grieve for.

​@@moonhunter9993 damn. That's deep. 💯💔

Yeah, that one hit hard.

I liked and subscribed immediately felt it so hard and mans spitting facts

Owwww it hurts with so much truth

Yep!

Sounds like you dont know what a family is kiddo.

Have you read Jeannette McCurdays new autobiography? Really might be relatable. She writes about the relationship with her narcissistic mother as the only daughter

@@Raddiebaddie Yes, it's incredible ❤️ I was so happy she was able to write about her experience because it started such an important conversation. She has done so much for victims of parental narcissistic abuse

Your probably the problem. Just thought you should know. Normal people dont go on the internet and talk badly about family even if their in the right. Im assuming the guy in the video he is the problem too. I dont care if people cut of bad family members. But people who will trash on anyone in front of strangers for likes and attention. In my experience they are the real shitty people. Just putting that out there do with it as you please.

@@captaintony1227 i actually didnt do any of the things you mentioned here but i'm sorry if you are easily triggered, upset or confused. i recommend just not engaging with content that makes you feel this way because it seems like a waste of valuable energy and it's causing you to make assumptions or "fill in the blanks" about strangers. i tend to find that people who seek out content they don't agree with and reply to comments with unrelated rants and judgments are generally unstable and easily offended. you could probably benefit from grounding exercises and doing a mental inventory on why you make those assumptions. it seems as though you are just projecting but who am I to say!

Literally this, my siblings directly experienced the abuse and my older brother still thinks I should talk to her again. She abused him too, being a mother means nothing if you treat your kids the way she did us, as far as I’m concerned she was an egg donor and an incubator

100%

💯

This.

But when the other kids don't go no contact, you definitely look like the one that has something wrong with you. Pathetic.

No one seems to be talking about parents who DIDN’T harm their children being ghosted. I was a devoted, loving mother, involved in my grown chidren’s and grandchildren’s lives. Our family had problems caused by someone else years ago. Eventually two of my children scapegoated ME and ghosted me with zero explanation and zero contact.. its so unfair to m grandkids and me.

@nancyoldham In my experience, kids, minor or adult, especially adult kids would never want to separate themselves from their parents without a reason. Unless they are both psychopaths. But if they're not, you should really do some soul searching, because I find that most parents NEVER, EVER, NEVER think they could be wrong regarding interactions with their kids, or that they could have possibly ever done anything to hurt their kids or put them in harms way, whether directly or indirectly. And I promise you, if you are a parent and you think that way, YOU ARE DEAD WRONG. There is a reason your kids don't want your grandchildren around you.

@@angel-mq2mo I’m not one of those, and my story is complicated and a bit different. I agree that most people don’t want to separate from their parents. You would not even believe the soul searching I’ve done, including a ton of therapy. I just want to point out there ARE exceptions sometimes. To not recognize this is to further the stigma of alienation, which is why a lot of people don’t talk about this. People need to keep an open mind and see that all is not so black and white, and there can be many, many facets to this heartbreaking and common problem.

Lonely AF but enough is enough ❤️

Amen. Overcomer.

It is lonely. But idgaf about sugarcoating the truth and I will call out anyone in my family, including my mother and my stepdad, for unwarranted behavior or lying. And they know it too.

Yes! Moved across the country to get away from the abuse! Breaking curses over here as well! Proud of you for doing it!

Lonely but you are at peace and freedom is liberating ❤

Ummm my father has disappeared

​@@ezoxide ok. I'm sorry that happened to you.

​@@ezoxide lmao, same. Found him when I got invited to his funeral where someone had the audacity to say he wanted to see me 🤣 like he could've had he put in even a drop of effort lol. If you find him, remember you owe him nothing, nor do you deserve to be mistreated just cos you share some dna :)

Mine is in prison and has almost always been scum. I won't miss him when he's gone for good. No relationship with him and IDC if him and my stepmom cut me out of his will (IDK if they did but I don't want anything associated with him or them.)

Let's gather here. I see you, internet friend. We'll get through this. "Metoo

You are a "Sick" individual.

I stopped putting in the effort to see my mother a few years ago and she didn't seem to mind at all, here I was going over and over it in my head and she never gave 2 S**ts....worked out well actually.

I think that every single person that reprimanded him for not showing up for the funeral would've been the exact ones who would've asked him what right he had to be there, if he had actually gone.😢

Also, I think anyone who questions you like this is sus. In my case, very likely to get the boot as well. I live far away so they probably would be blocked immediately.

His absence is a big reminder of their own shame for ignoring, enabling and burying the abuse

So seems are you are bad, keep blaming parent but not doing better yourself.

This. It's sad but also absolutely hilarious, like taking care of the minimum needs of your child and that gives a parent the right to treat you like shit.

​@user-wq9mw2xz3j just cuz you squirt out a child doesn't mean you have the right to mistreat them. Victim blaming is not cool, dude.

@@Jixsurez just because your parent didnt say they you love 100 times a day and give you everything you want doesn't mean you don't have any obligation to them either

You owe nobody an explanation, Miranda. The fact that you found the decision difficult shows that you didn't make it lightly. This was no whim. Also, five other adults, in the same situation, chose to do the same thing. FIVE!! That's doesn't make you an anomaly, it makes your mother's behaviour a pattern. As an outsider looking in, there is one common denominator here that is the OBVIOUS issue - your mother. If 6 adults all have taken issue with the behaviour of their mother, then the people in your extended family need to open their eyes and spot that insanely obvious common denominator! I mean that's less of a red flag, and more like a full-blown major alarm system going off. It's not up to you to teach other adults basic logic. Quite frankly, if her behaviour was so bad that it upset so many children, those in the extended should be *apologising* for not stepping in, and *thanking* you for succeeding where they failed and protecting your mental health. If they can't see that, then they're an extension of her abuse and you're better off giving them a very wide berth. It sounds like your siblings understand if they've chosen the same path. I wish you happiness and healing. You deserve it 💕

It astounds me that people could look at the situation and place blame on the child, I always know the parent must be absolutely terrible if their own kids won’t talk to them

dude you got this. your time is never worth spending it traumatized.

​@@georgina-a"it's not up to you to teach adults basic logic" idk why but that is the most validating thing I've ever read. thank you.

I like to make jokes about my mom. Like: "I'd call her but reception is really bad 6 feet under ground" People sometimes apologize or express sympathy, which is hilarious because if they knew how she treated people she had power over, they wouldn't.

It's accumulated. So if you keep facing the same abuse, lost of trust and safety eventually naturally your brain goes "ok time to guard now" I've gone no contact/minimal contact many times with my dad. I can say I have the "love" that yeah he's my dad.. but any more attachment than that is long gone. Basically minimal feelings, words don't affect me anymore etc. That's what people dont realize. Going no contact or minimal contact comes from your whole life, finally waking up and stepping away.

For a lot of us we never actually really loved our nasty narc, sociopath,etc parent... Because they NEVER did bond with us from birth,they were only physically there is all.What we felt instead was F.O.G....Fear, obligation,& guilt.

It's honestly was a pretty easy decision for me... my mom and dad ruined my childhood both in different ways and nothing in my life has brought me more peace than being no contact.

I'm planning on moving out soon and it's so sad to realize that the reason I'm leaving is because of my own parents lmao. They should've been the ones I felt safe with, they should've been the ones to encourage me to assert myself, etc., instead they're doing everything opposite! I've always wished I was born to different parents, how sad is that?

​@@ou1lthis is true its sad. Am sad too but life has to go on

True😢😢😢

And let me guess: you would never have children of your own?

@@galvanizingrhetorically people who go no contact with their parents without having any bad experiences because of them you should tell those kids that they’re not going to have their own kids, but people like you in majority and cultures support kids who are ruining families and disrespecting their parents and their rules with no reason…. Do not be stupid know the difference w Between those criticisms parents and those disrespecting kids🙏🏼

@@galvanizingrhetorically I have kids of my own :)

​​@@mariamano4474 she meant that the person commented above is traumatized by toxic parents that having his own kids scares him. Because the mental programming by parents is not easy to change, most people who are raised by toxic parents do not want kids or anything that reminds them of their own heartbreaking childhood. She didn't say that there are no disrespectful kids in this world

I absolutely despise how people use their parental relationship against you as if you owe them something. Excuse me, but i did not choose to be born. You only owe things to people who you choose to do things for. For example, you owe it to your married partner to do chores around the house because you chose to be with them, therefore you have an obligation to make the relatiomship as smooth as possible. But being born without choice and using, "I raised you, i gave you life, i fed you, i bought things." Is literally just a form of manipulation and abuse. I learned this very quickly when my parents threatened to take away or destroy things they bought for me. What dod i do? I went out and bought my own stuff and keep all my receipts, so they cant threaten to destroy my property because if you do, ill smash up their stupid valuable vehicles they care so much about. I will play fair with you, you want to break something of mine, i get to break something of yours. I have no remorse for people like that. Just like if you punch me, better be prepared to receive a punch in return. You want to manipulate me? Honey, i will gaslight and manipulate you until youre a balling mess and i will not feel anything for it. My parents behavior towards me has taught me how tobe absolutely cold hearted to people who treat me like anything that is not right. I have a big heart, but i am not easily taken advantage of anymore. I can live on my own and fend for myself. I have independence, and that scares people. The fact that i cant be manipulated and abused and gaslit to be dependent on someone else's control scares people away from me, and thats what i want. I dont want you in my life if you cant accept my independence. I will play as a team as long as you work things out with me too. If not, you will not hear the end of me bringing up our issues. Ive met too many people who have said i am the problem and i need to change, okay, i will make adjustments when you make adjustments. Ive been to therapy, i know how to be accountable and self-aware and make immedoate changes. 7+ years of therapy on-and-off. I know myself better than anyone. I can keep my word, but if you dont hold your end of the bargain, then i dont either. You either play fair with me, or you can eat shit. Lol. Because i will literally serve you a cracker on a plate while i eat a full meal to show you how unfair you treat me. Im vindictive. So dont be a part of my life if you dont want to be treated like this. I will 100% throw your unfairness in your face every moment you are a part of my life until you change as well or leave. I cannot stand people who think they know better than you and shame you just because of their age, gender, race, or relationship status. You are a human to me and i will not raise you higher than i raise myself. You will alwaya be on the same level as me because i am not playing into power struggles.

​@@Jake38nineWow this was powerful. Im trying to get to a similar place as you. I still have the problem of being too scared to hurt their feelings even though they hurt mine with no remorse. I still have too much empathy when people dont have empathy for me. Being this way just gets me taken advantage of and no one learns their lesson. Im trying to learn how to care about myself more and put myself first and give back the same treatment they give to me because how else will they learn? I hate when people say be the bigger person becasue being the bigger person is just putting up with mistreatment and it just continues.

@amandaolson6682 I still empathize and I still am understanding of my enemies. You have to be empathetic and understanding of your enemies to get beneath their skin. You have to know their triggers. But it is stressful. You have to have a strong mind and will and safe place. I do not recommend acting this way when you have no escape. You have no idea what people will do top. But if you're safe, then go off. That's why independence is a good trait to learn and have. You have to learn how to take care of yourself and your surroundings before you expect someone else to take care of theirs. Most people have a hard time being alone with themselves. You have to learn how to be alone. You have to learn how to think for yourself. You have to learn how to disagree and question things. That's how you become strong-willed. The whole "be the bigger person" thing is just a manipulative tactic to keep you stifled. I ignore most hollow advice and get angry at it because you can just hear how fake and disingenuous it is. I'm looking for depth and authenticity within people. Telling someone to be the bigger person or forgive or "be yourself" is the same shallow bs as small talking about the weather everyday with everyone you meet. I don't want to talk about the weather on a surface level, I want to talk about the science and causation of weather AKA Depth. I can't stand shallowness.

Nailed it. That's why I left home at 15 and never went back. It was me or her and I chose me.

​@@Jake38nineexactly. I'm there with my mom rn. It's mind boggling, but I'll be okay. All stay strong

Agreed

Exactly

What did she do to you? Did she sexually abuse you or lock you in a closet with no food or water? If not, then you're just being a typical self centered, petty, millennial.

it's a very similar thing with me. My grandfather was physically and mentally abusing my father but my father acted like nothing was wrong because he goes by "honor thy mother and father" so I thought that I had to love my grandfather. Until my mother's mom(who is also big on "honor thy mother and father") told me *"that man brought harm onto your family, you should treat him with respect, but you do not have to love him."*

Same

I never met my mum's dad, we didn't show up to his funeral, and she refused her share of his inheritance. It doesn't shock me, considering he was so abusive that my mother and her brother proclaimed they would kill him while they were four and six respectively, prompting my grandmother to take her two children and move back to her home country on the other side of the world. No child support, nothing, not even supported by her own family because how dare she leave her husband (thanks 60s-70s misogyny). I don't even know what he looks like. But, my mother doesn't look like my grandmother's side of the family. And I am a clone of my mother. It's kind of unsettling to think about, so I don't. Ironically, while from broken homes, both my parents are incredible people.

If blood is what's holding your family together, that just says that you'd sooner be rid of each other if you weren't. That's not love. Edit for celerity: "you" in the general sense of the hypothetical reader, not "you" in the specific sense of anyone here, of course, in case that wasn't clear.

At this point I'd just like to throw in here that the actual saying goes "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." Take from that what you will.

I know I am not popular in certain family circles myself. Too bad for them, because it could have been so different. But I am not going to gaslight myself over it anymore. 😢

💯 I’m the truth teller in my family and my family look at me like I’m the problem for it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yeah, as an adult, I now see how weird it was for the adults in my family to say "lying is wrong", but it only applied to _them._ There was an entire script of lies for school and the outside world in general, and if you "tell them our business", you'd get in trouble.

It's 100% accurate too. I'm the truth teller in my family. After years of abuse and trying to get help for myself and my siblings (which never came to fruition because apparently I was a liar! ) And it's amazing how little they listened to children even when showing up to school with proof, being covered in bruises 30+ years ago. I left home at 16 and I'm now almost 45 and don't talk to any of them except one sister. I myself won't be showing up for any of their funerals. There is a special place in hell for my mother and step father.

THISSSSSSS

"Honestly there is no doubt in my mind that I'm the bad guy in their story, but at least they're not part of mine anymore." I needed to read this exact thing because my toxic family's perception of me and how they would talk about me to others in our family has been a big reason for me holding off on going NC when I really need to, and this is what I needed to read tonight. Thank you.

"Who needs blood ties when they only strangle you" is such a metal sentence and im gonna use that in the future for sure!

The amount of toxicity family members have can be damaging to the person on the long run, mentally, physically and emotionally. Cutting people off is a good way to ensure your safety and well-being.

Everyone loves to put you in the bad guy box without knowing the whole story at times. But eventually you get to be at peace with it

Best description ever!! Thank you!

Me too! 😁see my comment.....

🙏

Me too.

Same here

Yes!!

Respect is not always mutual. Respect is based upon witness of effort to maintain credibility through integrity. I often wonder about people that want to be respected. I wonder if they feed the poor, visit those in prison. Show love and acceptance of others' thoughts and expression even if they distinctly disagree in their viewpoints. I remind many that you can't build a civilization when everyone has to change their speech and actions to accommodate those subscribe to extreme bias. The argument very often lies with when someone in their life is trying desperately to point them in what they feel is the best direction. You just don't want to hear it.

@@EagleZoo Well I understand what you mean but I’m talking about if you probably respected someone in the past but they continuously disrespected you, then they get surprised when you want nothing to do with them anymore.

@@EagleZoo And tbh, if you push someone so close to the edge like that and abuse and neglect them sm, even if they are a kind person, you can’t possibly expect them to uphold that same kindness towards you anymore.

@@EagleZoo Oh and I also forgot to mention. You don’t have to always do community things to be kind/respectful, and visiting people in prison..it depends on what they did mostly. Like if a loved one did something like murder many innocent people or raped many people etc, I would be devastated to even be related to them.

Coming from a broken family where we all secretly hate each other and drwad passive aggressive family events, it truly is better to just not get involved. Sadly, sometimes it's better for everybody to just go about your separate lives and be happy. Sadly, sometimes blood doesn't mean shit.

l just decided to go no contact with my brother after he told me im faking my DID and that my trauma "couldn't possibly be that bad". Told my mom about it today and she got pretty upset and said "thats sad". As if it was purely my fault I'm cutting contact. Its so tiring to be treated like I'm the problem when l try and set boundaries and stand up for myself. Just wanted to vent.

I just went non contact with my brother, and i know he told my parents and they all would have bad mouthed my husband (he is making me). Yet i have spoken to each parent this week and not a word as they have been using my brother to speak for them. (i am low contact with my parents but only because of my children)

Haha, I went low/ no contact with my sister a couple years ago. My grandfather is still waiting for us to "get over" our differences. I love him and generally he's a great guy but old fashioned in the way that he doesn't believe in mental health or therapy so his opinion (nor anyone elses) matter in that regard. Keep one doing what's best for you!

@@euryid8920 don’t know you but I am proud of you setting boundaries and doing what is right for you own well being. Parents like their adult kids to get along but sometimes siblings change, or feel entitled to expressing their hurtful opinions, or even like to start drama. It’s ok to set boundaries and when that doesn’t work then it’s time to take alternate steps to create distance, how ever that looks.

I didn't get to know my half siblings until I was 13 (they were 10, 9 and 6 at that time). Me and the then 10 year old grew closest, we shared similar interests. I went through a traumatic time thanks to my "father" and when I finally stood up for myself and turned him in, all them turned on me, including my sister I was closest with. It hurt and sometimes still does. But I'd rather have no contact than to be around those horrible people ever again.

👍🏽Absolutely 👍🏽

And they get cut off as well. Enabling my abuser sends a clear message that you don't care about me.

My dad's side is full of narcissists (including him), only one positive note is they noticed one of their siblings is toxic. However, they still can't look at themselves, and see they are also the problem to everyone else outside of the family, and inside

@@ms.pirate I have also noticed how narcissism can be pervasive in varying degrees and spread among close relatives.

I'm preparing to go NC with a narcissistic parent. I'm gonna block a lot of people.

The term is estranged parents...& yes the overwhelming majority absolutely had it coming for a LONG time.Parental alienation is when an underage child is kept away from the other parent usually after the parents break-up, a lot of narcs do this 💩 to their kids so they'll hate the other parent😮‍💨.Great post,just 💭 I'd clear the terms up since a lot of folks get parental alienation & estranged parents mixed up.Some of these estranged parent buttholes are purposely trying to muddy the waters by mixing these terms up in their whiny videos🤢.

Exactly

Exactly. Just common sense.

Exactly 💯

Exactly

I'm sorry you lost your mom, but I'm also proud of you for knowing your limitations in life and what was good for you. Mine has been gone almost 20 years, and I have never had a day of regret for not speaking to her for the last 18 years of her life. My aunt (who said to me more than once that she wished she had been my mom, instead of her sister) kept me in the loop, and that was just fine. That was enough.

We were also never left alone with one of our grandfathers. I think we only visited because of our Grandma because I don't remember seeing him ever again. I didn't know why then but I'm very grateful now that I do. It's chilling that people are like that and there's families out there that will cover it up and pretend it didn't happen.

Did someone steel spike the heart, you know just in case, Romanian style.

@@Iansco1 If he was buried alive I think the lack of oxygen would finish him off.

Wow, getting laughed at by your family at your own funeral. His life was garbage. I can’t imagine living such a pathetic, disgusting life

Gracious of y’all to have a funeral at all. He deserved a cardboard box and an incinerator.

Adults don't engage with people who hurt them. So their words are right but they don't understand them. Protecting yourself and leaving behind people who weaken and hurt you, that is how an adult acts.

@@anjafrohlich1170 thank you. I needed to hear that.

A good, rational adult will leave behind something or someone that's hurting them, and move on.

@@ianluk6385 yes. Easier said than done when they're supposed to be "family". I'll send you a mesage for Christmas because at some point I'm gonna have to see you in person- but don't start being chatty cause I couldn't care less. 🙄

I'd say "why don't YOU act like an adult and respect my boundaries?"

True. I just finished one year no contact with my enabling mom. It hurt way worse than my abusive dad

@@Ark-ys2up i love to hear it. Im happy for you. Im working on doing the same thing this year.

@@Cerebralseid best of luck to you! The peace is totally worth it. The only hard part is basically just realizing how little you actually lose bc the relationship was built on nothing 😔

@@Ark-ys2upmy relationship with my enabling mom was built on my hopes alone, That all shattered when I at age 60 realized she had sometimes PURPOSEFULLY triggered him to beat us to get space. I had innocently thought she was a fellow victim, So I lost nothing but my illusions but everything I had thought about her. She did “protect” me a lot but it was her fault I was in danger at all because he wasn’t an occasional abuser but a constant one.

That’s beyond rough. Abandonment is so damaging. I’m sorry that that happened to you.

Omg, that’s horrible!! 💔 My dad left when I was a baby, but my mom kept me. But… She was emotional neglectful, and told me when I was 16 that she wished she had given me up for adoption 😢 I have abandonment issues to this day.

@@ambermac77 So sorry to hear that..❤🌹🌹

I hear you totally. My mom stayed til I was 19, and I still don't have anything for her. She didn't think of that, I guess.

@@newlifebetteryou thank you! I’m 46 and still working things out. 💖

With this statement my confusion lifted and I understand what it is I'm going through.

Its like that in politics too

True

It's tough. I'm a weird ass that would go to the funeral and mourn the person I wish they were with the jealousy I had of other parents that were good. I would hope to hear a true story of them that was good and wish I knew them as that. A story of their childhood or something about them before I knew them. Even meeting someone else at the funeral who is as hurt as myself.

What’s wrong with murder ?

Does know where I can find the original video??? Tiktok is banned in my country so is there like a youtube link??

@@rdavila26 you remove someone from a family and it’d be worse if the parents are old and they had no siblings

"My therapist could focus on helping me heal instead of how to protect myself emotionally." Wow. That hit deep.

​@@Tericlay RIGHT. I was going to come here and comment on that. Wow.

Older brothers are supposed to protect you, shield you when your parents can't, tell you about things you need to know when your parents don't want to, be your backup and be the one person you can go to if no else wants to listen or you can't tell. I wouldn't even call yours a brother anymore, just a man that your mother gave birth to when he didn't deserve to be even associated with her.

I have an older sister who also feels she "entitled" , but not here. she'll have to rely on all those people she's been lying to for year.

I'm so sorry for you and your mother. I'm glad at least you seem to understand she wanted to love you (and probably felt terrible her own offspring could be the way your brother was). I can't imagine that struggle of needing to kick out a child due to that but also feeling guilty of letting him out into the world like that.

You should be a writer!! I felt every word in my soul….narcissistic parents truly are soulless beings. Just because someone is looks human doesn’t mean that they are one.

@@shakirasmith6454 thank you, that was very kind of you to say! The smartest narcissists are the most charming… People are usually under the impression that they are wonderful people or “model citizens” but that just goes to show you how skilled they are aren’t manipulation. My mother is a successful entrepreneur who has a huge professional community, she has a non-profit and is also a veteran… sadly, people judge by what she has to show so she is constantly praised. Little do they know the pain she has cause on all of those closest to her. She has no relationship with her elderly parents because they told her to stop coming around, no relationship with her only child, 4 divorces, a boyfriend who couldn’t take it anymore and drank himself to death and all of her ex husbands are broke and can’t seem to find happiness in life after the damage that she did.. Narcissists are extremely dangerous psychologically, they can convince any one of anything and that is why it is so easy for them to abuse others! I probably could write a book on it after all I’ve witnessed, sad but true. lol! Hope you were never affected by one of these individuals, I know how challenging it can be.

How ? Is such a thing too do? And what you ask to the court to do ?

What

That is the craziest (albeit, most believable) thing I've ever heard!

Is such a thing possible?

Grandparents have sued, and won, rights to see their grandkids in the US. As long as you don't have kids I don't see any legal ground.

Yeah. It's crazy how many blame the victims for defending ourselves. The victims are expected to keep being abused just so everyone around them can pretend things are normal. It's time we made it the other way round - the abuser has to clean their shit up to be accepted.

​@@fionaanderson5796 Absolutely! Accountability for the abusers, empowerment for survivors, and education for everyone else around. I hope you're healing well 💙💙💙 Sending hugs & solidarity to you

Unfortunately people who grow up with abuse tend to protect the abusers until they get help.

it makes me livid

@@fionaanderson5796 in context it's kinda funny how if somebody well known is an abuser/assaulter the public walks the line on blaming the victim(s), but when it's average people it's typically their family that blames the victim(s).

Parental alienation is also Loud . When you choose to keep their mothers secrets because you're more concerned about the children's mental health . Make sure you actually Know your Truth .

Yep

Same here.

Yep.😢sorry this happens to do many kids. And it's generational bc people damaged hurt the next generation. So painful

And if the abuser is funny, charasmatic, provides money, ect.... they like the abuser BETTER.

100%!!!

If I could "like" this more than once, I absolutely would! I wish you many peaceful, drama-free days! 🌻

I been their done that

You already are a bigger person. You were always the bigger person. You aren’t an abuser. You want a healthier world. That’s enormously good.

My father abandoned me when I was 6, but previous to that he was physically and (seggsually) a busive. When he threw me across the bed my eye scraped the corner of my nightstand, removing a tiny bit of the white of my eyes and leaving all sorts of bruises. My mother had enough, no longer believing that I was just being a tomboy and hyperactive child. "You see her while I'm present or not at all", and he chose the latter. When my uncle, his brother, passed away he decided to use my devastated and mourning grandmother as a tool to get me to speak with him. This was the first time I had seen him since being that little girl. I had never forgotten the things he did. "Would you like to meet X?" "No." That was all I said. While she was grieving for her adult son passing away, he talked her into trying to make amends with me instead of doing so himself, I assume he did so in hopes of using her as a shield. Probably knowing I would never try to hold him accountable because I didn't want her to be hurt knowing the truth or to cause a fuss at a funeral. I was 19 and what I learned is that people don't change. He was still the sneaky and manipulative shithead he had always been. I've kept that lesson close to my heart ever since, and no one understands that lesson unless they've been through it themselves. Now if anyone tells me that "he's my father, I should give him a chance" I cut them off immediately if they persist once I explained why he doesn't get another chance.

​@bina nocht this is one of those things that's so much easier to say when you're not the one sitting in the middle of it. Not saying that they took the right way out just that the decision is so much more complicated when it's your own to make.

“Oh honey I don’t know. Could be them being one of them gays.” Lemme say most of the shitty parants are kinda homophobic or more will blame stuff instead of blaming themselves

I hate you dad

Lmao ikr? It’s funny and sad that they refuse to understand this, even if you tell them they will just be in denial about it.

And that childhood seeps into your adult life affecting your self worth and image, along with relationships you try to forge. I broke away from my mother for almost 5 years. Then she had an accident and I relented, only to end up going through trauma again by her hand. When you realise that she values money more than a relationship and your health there is only one option. But as with all narcissistic individuals, they are the victim and the stories they fabricate to keep that image are nothing short of wicked.

I did my absolute best, with an undiagnosed disability that kept me from working. And I've constantly been told it wasn't good enough. My best wasn't good enough. Let that sink in.

That therapist is a badass. They spoke with their heart

I pray that you pray for them. Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realm...Eph 6:12 We, who get to know and acknowledge and receive the abundant love and abundant mercy of our Creator who loves each of his creation equally, strive to die to ourselves and become the hands, feet, mouth, and heart of Him who gives us life. Your pain is known by Him. He is the great healer. And the norm is that the hurting are the ones he uses to bring the offenders into Truth. I pray your family makes amends to you and pays your forgiveness for them (God will do the judging better than we ever could!) forward. Hope to see you in Paradise when the earth is made anew and there will be no more tears! Evil WILL be separated from Good for eternity, as He promised. Read the Word. He'll talk to you!

@@1GINAMARIE you guys don't miss an opportunity to preach,do you? Disgusting!

@@1GINAMARIE keep your religion to yourself. Freedom of religion includes freedom from religion.

That's beautiful 👌

💯 The abuser and the dysfunctional family wants you to shut up and play your role within the dysfunction. How dare you step out of the role they assigned you. What makes you think you can act on your own values and interests? 😄

It was this portion of the statement that really hit me.

That is such a powerful statement... ❤️❤️❤️

Yes! Me and my cousin are the truth tellers in our family. No one loves it in Camp Let’s Mourn the Abuser, yet it sure feels great to not have to pretend we didn’t go through that and it really just frees up space (cuz it lets us know who is worthy of our time) for our various chosen families to fill our lives❤

As the one person with no filter in my family, yes.. We’re doing way better and I’m quite sure some credit goes to me just sorta, getting fed up at some point and just letting it all out. Our parents are not bad people, and my evidence is that they did listen in the end,, so yeah at least there’s my story on it!

Reading your story really hits home. I cut contact with my father 6 years ago and all of my brothers stopped speaking to me as a result. I never wanted them to feel like they had to pick a side but our father made them choose, and being minors at the time they naturally picked him. They're adults now and still don't speak to me. I miss them immensely. I hope that when you break free, you reach out to your sister. I'm sure she will be so happy to hear from you.

Hello, Go to Sam Vaknin narcissism revisited. Thank me later ❤

I hope it gets better.I know this is random but my motivation to live is to be able to cover Ben Sharpo's grave in pride flags and if it needs to be more subtle, rainbow flowers 😌 in all seriousness, you are worth it, and you deserve happiness

I pray you and your sister restore your relationship.

I wish you all the best in the world, you can do this!

This made my day 😊😁😆

@@consolee.945 Hahaha 🤣 ty

So true.

Same so loud

I can RELATE

I assume adult child means your child that's now an adult? That's your handi-work you broke contact with lmao, they don't just randomly become a person you dont want to hang around. Now if they were absent for reasons outside your control until they're adult then damn, my sympathies.

ok craigary time to go to bed and take your meds

@@Ya0ware you seriously suggesting a CHILD can be absent from their PARENTS life uhm…

@@twothousandandchew divorce or some other complicated situation can have it happen, life is seldom very simple and straightforward.

"But but she is your mom. She made a mistake. Forgive her." She did nothing when my uncle gropped me and blamed it on my clothes. I was wearing a lose t-shirt and baggy pants.

You go girl! My aunts tried to push me/guilt trip me into reconnecting with my mom. Not happening after all the psychological abuse I suffered through my whole life. Haven’t talked to them in 4 years, and I have never been better!

@@erenssister.5535 I’m sorry. You are strong and f’k them!

Yeeessss queen

@@sbs.2759 honestly I live with my dad and stepmom. They are amazing I cut off all contact with mom as soon as I turned 18 because she kept inviting my molester into the house. I moved into a college in my dad's city. I am in much better shape. My mom can rot in hell. She is a vile woman who cheated on my dad multiple times and still blames my dad.

The lightening rod catches it when there is no witness.

Lmao one of my dad's friends said to me as a joke "haha you don't know what your daddy's like when he's mad, you're so spoiled" AND I WISH I HAD HAD THE GUTS TO TELL HER "NO, ///YOU/// DONT KNOW WHAT HES LIKE WHEN HES MAD" ffs I still regret that, but I guess he would have just laughed and pretended to be all sweet and then get pissed at me later so you know, maybe it was a blessing in disguise

He's not even actually that charming... He's actually just an asshole, people just choose to see him as "funny" instead

Yes!! Exactly. My aunt is like this; she manipulates and charms the hell out of people when she’s around them.. it’s just since covid that the outside world is starting to see it too.. she has no filter anymore so everyone deals with her abuse now.

Oh look, other people experience it too 😁

True im the same way whats worst for me is i said i would go back to being a family if they were willing to apologize for all the bad but no one wanted to so now my only family is my friends

Yeah, I don’t wanna interact with any of them. But I’m forced to go.

Usually because all we can focus on is bullshit. I know because I have always been the black sheep. Tough pill to swallow

I just never felt close to my family other than my mom and when she passed away I had no need to see my 3 sisters or father anymore it's been 20 years I don't know if they're alive or dead

There is no such person in my family, all caught up in bs except me and my sister, who's studying psychology tho. She knows damn well, and I got diagnosed secretly after I could go to therapy alone.

Good for you loce yourself more everyday

😊💜👍

You have value.

Awwww, yes, you have value...

@@lizabethfeig1705 i hope you aren’t being satcastic

You mean all of the people who just watched and did nothing while he was still alive? How will I ever recover…

@@TheRealSpeechProf You dad died and instead of being there for your family you made it all about you. Not only that but you're resentful and bitter at them for not doing what you wanted them to do. Sounds like classic Narcissistic behavior. Of course have no obligation to have people in your life that you don't want too. But you should seriously consider what your motivations are and realize that your father is dead. What relationship you have with your family does not need to be defined by him.

@@khyronkravshera7774In some situations, such as preserving your emotional and psychological health from an abusive and insensitive CULT, it is quite necessary to have narcissistic tendencies.

@@LisaValentine1 No, Narcissism is never a healthy and positive thing. Narcissism isn't about setting boundaries or having self esteem. Narcissism is by definition a mental disorder where one both lacks empathy and believes others are inferior to themselves.

Funerals ARE about the life and example the dead left behind and to remember that, in this case his son remembers being abused and you want him to show up and call HIM the narcissist?? 😂 ignorant!

You arent ruining the family, you're ruining the illusion of a happy family they want everyone else to see and you dont owe it to them to keep that fantasy book bullshit up

Facts 📠📠

Most of the time, they don't even believe you when you tell them about the bad experiences. Then when they do believe you, they say it doesn't matter because some random kid in Africa or North Korea has it worse

My brother yelled at me for moving out at 19, because "who's gonna help mom?" My favorite was "(step)dad hasn't hit you or anything since we moved to the new house" like all the times he gave me a bloody nose, kicked me, and spit on me from ages 3 to 14 were just water under the bridge and all the times he locked me out of my room so I couldn't even change clothes or get my back pack didn't count.

It's that you're "Ruining the image of a good, stable, healthy, family in the eyes of outsiders." Narcissists care about how they are perceived by everyone else, so by you not showing up to the Funeral, it gave the impression that something is wrong with the family, thus you get blamed for ruining that image in the eyes of others. They don't care about your pain, because it doesn't matter.

My mother & aunt were shipped off to live on a farm to work for room & board. Their parents got divorced because their mother got pregnant by another man. She had 5 more kids with him. My mom & aunt had 2 more siblings. One married at 14 & one boy who went to work on the railroad with their father when he was 12. Their dad couldn't care for my mom, 8-yrs-old & aunt, 5-yrs-old. They were terribly abused by farm hands, etc. The oldest married aunt found out where they were located when they were allowed to call home once & go home for Christmas one year. The oldest aunt kept the youngest & took my mom to their mother's to live with 5 kids in one bed. The alcoholic step-father drank all their money. Sometimes all the children would split a can of plums! He tried to molest my mother & when she told her mother & confronted him, he kicked my mom in the back, & threw her down the steps, & told her to never come back! She was 14-years-old! She had no clothes other than what she was wearing. She walked across town to the oldest aunt's house. She made my mother get a job as a waitress, serving sandwiches & beer. The aunt made her move out. She lived in one of those communal apartments that had a bathroom down the hall. Men always tried to get into the bathroom when she was bathing. She had no money as all of her check went to rent. Sometimes she would fill her stomach up with water or the cucumber she bought. The oldest never came & got her for Thanksgiving or Christmas. She sat alone, no TV or radio. It was a horrible existence. The oldest aunt had so much money, sometimes the husband wouldn't cash his checks for weeks at a time. They had new cars, new furniture, etc. My mom had to borrow shoes from her to go to the doctor. It still hurts my heart that she could treat my mom so horribly! She never even brought her food! How could you treat someone you supposedly love like that? Years later when my grandmother died, one of the half-sisters said to my mom(after discussing some of the bad things that my mom went thru) had the nerve to say, After MY mom let you come live with us! Like, excuse me? She still didn't get that grandma was my mother's mom before she was her's. Sorry, this is so long. My mom & aunt turned out to be very loving, & kind mothers. They married abusive husbands but that's another story. My mom's 2nd husband, our step-dad, was in the USAF & gave us a great life! They're 89-yrs-old & are still married! My mother still loved the mean sister because she was her sister and all she knew. They were closer after my mom married my step-dad but I don't think I could've gotten past it.

@@pamelajohnson7813 Thank you for sharing ❤ bless your mom and family.

@@ellegodoi6833 I kept saying, the oldest aunt. I meant the oldest sister, MY aunt. Their brother wouldn't even talk about his mom for abandoning them. He was a good man, a Korean vet, and would do anything for his two younger sisters. He made me laugh! He came to visit us with his girlfriend, who wore false lashes, a wig & lots of makeup. He said at night he didn't know whether to get in bed with her or the suitcase! 😁 Anyway, thank you, so glad you found happiness. Never look back! Happy Holidays!

I'm happy that your doing well

That’s so cruel! I cannot believe what you were forced to go through at such a young age. They do not deserve a child like you, and you owe them absolutely nothing.

Ooh this is a fact. Love it

Friends are the relatives we choose💟

You can not change people no matter who they are.. if they are toxic people then do not associate with them. Family help when you can but leave them to deal with thee own problems.. the only thing you have in your control is yourself.. remember you make decision's for your self not for others..

@@tinkmarshino my point isn't to change them. My point is that if you just let someone treat you like crap because they are "family", then you are giving tacit consent. If you speak up and they still think they can treat you however they want as if them being your "family" gives them some special privilege, then that person doesn't respect you and is clearly just related to you and not actually family. And when people try to guilt you into forgiving them because they are "family", you have every right to say "oh, no, we are just related". We are making the same point at the end, just from different angles. I went no contact with most of my relatives at this point, but I still felt it was worthwhile to let them know what was bothering me and giving each a chance. Like "you don't have to change, but I don't like who you are becoming. So if you keep going that direction, I can't be part of your life anymore for my own sake." 1 out of the 6 actually heard what I was saying. The other 5 just carried on like I wouldn't seriously cut them out of my life because they are family and then found out they were wrong. But at least I tried 🤷

@@CaptainCharlie Tactical consent.. Some one treats me with disrespect I throw em out of my house and until they get it they are not allowed to make contact again.. I don't give any consent to rude behavior I do not let people treat me with disrespect. Family that gives disrespect to others is not family.. I treat some of my family with respect though they do not give it.. But then I put them in there place if they try it any more.. I do not hear from them any more because I don't play that game.. Still it is good to get this off your chest.. you don't need to bear this burden that is not of your making.. I know I do not bear any remorse.. they make up there mind on what is appropriate behavior and I make up mine.. It is a sad thing.. but people have to be responsible for their own actions and there is no getting out of it.. Stand you ground and let them go their way.. it ain't your fault and you tried to get them to see the wrong of it.. this is all you can do.. Hope you are settled.. be at peace brother.. you did your best as a man.. that is all one can do.

!!!

especially that they didn't protect you as children/looked the other way. If they see you accept/forgive them, they can forgive themselves.

Yes. It's their way of excusing their complete neglect of that child (who was you) when they knew EXACTLY what was going on, but dud NOTHING to prevent it. Haha just noticed my typo there.... What a perfect typo! 😂

BINGO!

Finally validation feels good

The flying monkeys? (aka enablers) are just as bad

💯

❤

I agree with this comment. I'm not doing toxic anything and I refuse to allow my toxic son who unfortunately is on some hard drugs treat me like crap. And in my opinion, when people use hard drugs and turns them into something totally different and they try to take discipline situations that ultimately save their lives and try to redirect their behavior, and yet the adult child goes around telling horrific storytelling events just to take or divert their lack of responsibility for themselves I gave my child tough love and he went around to family and friends being a narcissist. Today I'm at peace as I will be tomorrow.

Yeah