"If you're not intentionally doing things to strengthen your relationship then you're weakening it" wow

I’ve been cheated on by my first and only love and I literally could never love him again. I tried and I felt nothing inside. The second I found out, I went numb and as he continued to lie, I never felt anything for him ever again. When he started to try and change, he meant nothing to me by then. He begged to get married and be together forever, and that’s when I told him I could never ever marry a man like him. 🤢 For me, it wasn’t even possible to ever feel something for him, I have no idea how people do it. My body absolutely refused to let me.

I think an introspective and communicative ex-cheater is potentially one of the best people to offer relationship advice. I once had a professor that told me he thought the best teachers were often those who had struggled in school, themselves. I think this is similar.

A video from your wife about how she learned to trust you would be so useful even with genuine regret, making time for my feelings, reassurance and affection and consistency with his words and actions I still find it hard to trust and can be triggered into feeling insecure. I do have betrayal trauma that started in childhood and a fear of being fooled or deceived.

Your wife is a stronger person than most. I would never be able to trust you again, and my inability to trust you would ruin anything positive we had in our relationship.

Ow. Cut through the heart. I remember one day with my husband at church while grabbing a coffee I looked over and saw a guy with a good haircut and a nice button down shirt almost like a suit without the jacket on and, not sure if it was the same guy, but I smelt a good cologne on someone. I went over to my husband and said " you smell that?" And he said " yeah someone has cologne on" and I tapped him on the chest and said " I want YOU to be the one who I think smells good. And looks good." That week he got a haircut and he has been on Sundays been occasionally putting his cologne back on that he knows I love. But Jimmy is right. When thoughts like that come, talk to your partner. I am glad I did it when I did.

THERAPIST HERE: Really like how you talk about the "pre-behaviors" I call this territory ... "pretending our way into something." Very good descriptor to refer to it as "walking up to the line" (constantly) and then cross it ... and then be so "surprised" that you crossed the line. Love how your questions are an opportunity to be soberly honest.

No freaking way. If a man puts me at risk for a STD by sleeping with me after sleeping with another person, thats recklessly endangering my health. He would be tossed out. Thats worse than breaking trust

I've been cheated on by everyone i thought loved me in my 35 years of life. Despite this, I still love like I've never been hurt before. I just don't know what it feels like to love someone without being scared to be hurt. I've been hurt my entire life. I just want to know love without pain and fear.

I appreciate your insight, but if my husband ever cheated or laid a hand on me there’d be no staying with him. I’m sure that a lot of people fantasize when they’re unhappy, but it is the most selfish and disrespectful thing to actually act on it. There’s not enough words or explanations for cheating, in my opinion. Self control is self control. It’s what keeps me from punching people in the throat.

“To an immature or an unhealed person, a healthy safe committed relationship feels boring, and actually unsafe it doesn’t give us the chaos and unpredictably that our nervous system is used to, so we will go searching for that chaos outside Of the relationship even if it costs is this one…” Wow, interesting!!

Don’t be shocked when you fall when you’re standing on a slippery slope… 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

This is a valuable video, it sets responsibility squarely on the cheater. Thank you for saying the truth, when someone cheats the fault is not 50/50 but 0% your fault and 100% the cheater’s fault.

The absolute whiplash I got from him saying he cheated. I mean clearly he has changed and grown by this channel but it's just not something I would ever expect. And honestly kudos for changing and growing that much. I had a little moment where I was like how am I supposed to listen to him now but I think I understand that that's past.

My ex fiancé cheated… a lot. I’m extremely grateful for my husband, together 21 years, and neither of us have ever been in a position to violate our vows, thankfully. I find it hard to not believe the old adage… once a cheater, always a cheater. It’s the one thing that would break our marriage up. But GENUINELY, thank you for this video. I respect you for owning up and being REAL.

Who is the plant parent in this household? They definitely have a great relationship with the botanical kids! 😂

My biggest fear is getting married and being cheated on.

i can’t even fathom staying if my husband ever cheated on me. your wife is an angel, i wish her the best.

I like your videos and shorts. Very smart and informative. The one thing I have learned after being cheated on is that your can’t prevent being cheated on. Cheating has to do with people own insecurity in the relationship. Find a person who wants to put in the work.

My bf is contributing to the death of the relationship by not being vulnerable, shutting down conversations, thinking I should be happy with what makes him happy, and all the other reasons Jimmy mentions.

“Stop walking right up to the line and then being surprised when you find yourself over it.” That spoke volumes to me, as someone who consumes porn (my cheating) and it trying to quit it. Sometimes I might toy with the idea of watching it and open up the laptop and in a momentous blurry second I’ve consumed again. I’ve crossed the line. I’ve realised that staying away from the line is the key to never ever crossing it It sounds silly, but it’s not, we always want the easy thing in life. Our brain loves a good shortcut

Sometimes the betrayed partner heals but with irreversible damage. Say you're hit in a shrapnel blast from a grenade. Over time, you make a recovery - but the scars don't go away. The limp from the once-shattered foot doesn't go away. The deeply-embedded sherds that can't be extracted continue to leak slow poison, drop by drop. I found out my husband was cheating 22 days after our wedding.

Jimmy, this video changed my life! As a person with a proclivity for balancing on my tippy toes right at the line, I can finally say I know that I CANNOT put off therapy any longer and need to deal with what happened to me as a young child. This video changed my life, thank you so much!

Honestly I want you to know that after watching your videos I'm always amazed by the sharpness of your perspective on both sides. Thank you for your hard work

Thank you for sharing. I never thought my husband would cheat. And we didn't do the things we should have to insulate our marriage. His affair is 100% his responsibility, but it didn't happen in a vacuum. For all the comments passing judgment on him and his wife, I pray you never experience betrayal. That you are never faced with the choice of divorce or staying with someone who betrayed you. I swore if he cheated, I'd leave. Many women do. Yet, when he did, I didn't. And many women don't. It is a very personal decision based on many factors. The biggest factor in rebuilding a successful marriage after betrayal is the ability of the cheater to show remorse and express empathy (and stopping behaviors that led to affair). This man is a poster child on how to accept responsibility for your actions.

Oh Lawd. I remember how I would tell an ex about how important it was for him to know and be honest with himself. His lack of awareness was palpable to me, and familiar, just like my dad. This ex would tell little white lies or casual comments about 'a friend', or about a towel I found in our car that wasn't ours. I always knew he was being dishonest and I felt as if I knew him more than he understood himself. I would just roll my eyes and remind him he can be honest when he is ready. When his betrayal finally came to light it was a relief cause now we could address it. My immediate action was to do my inner work to understand why this felt normal to me in my relationships. This ex's change took much longer and lots of big things started to be uncovered that unfortunately, two years post-betrayal there was no space for my pain and saving our relationship. I could not wait anymore and I left with big lessons in hand.

I’ve been cheated on in almost every relationship I’ve been in except the one I’m in now. And yeah I’ve never been tempted to cheat back that’s a demented childish mindset. If your partner is hurting you knowingly, leave them.

I’ve been on both ends of this. I will agree, when I cheated while in a loving relationship, it was during a time I was extremely insecure and immature. I had a hard time identifying and explaining to him what I needed from the relationship. And I also craved attention because of the unresolved trauma that left me “empty” inside, so i I sought out extremes. It’s been 5 years now. I regret it until this day. He and I have both moved on. I wish I knew then what I know now about myself, and would never fathom doing that again. Seeing the way I destroyed another person per my lack of care was eye opening and still humbles me until now. Thank you for being transparent and honest.

And don’t forget to look for the attachment theory. Because the instant your partner don’t give you the attention you crave and thus you begin (subconsciously) trying to find the attention somewhere else, that tells a lot about your coping mechanism and how you deal with those things. And this can be found in the attachment theory. The way you manage your feelings and why getting out of the anxious or avoidant style is important and vital for the well-being of a relationship. That’s where healing from past traumas becomes essential! Otherwise you’ll keep your really bad coping mechanisms and choose very destructive actions to overcome the struggles you are facing.

I found out my husband had been cheating on me 5 years after our divorce. I think he started cheating on me fairly early in our marraige, as in, the first 3 months. He was an alcoholic. Ladies, never marry an alcoholic.

As a cheater (recovered), it’s so interesting you talked about the nervous system. I was so used to chaos from a previous relationship and I didn’t heal before entering a new relationship with my husband. I had to go too a LOT of therapy to not only understand my behavior, but to forgive myself. I’m so grateful for my husband for giving me grace throughout this journey.

The first minute and 15 seconds or so is why I follow you. I would much rather take advice from someone who has been through something and put in the work to heal and recover from it, than someone who claims to be perfect.

As a therapist this makes me proud! Your language, your thoughts and reflections, your intention, and the clarity!!!!!

I started to finally trust my husband again after being cheated on while I was pregnant with our second child, after a separation and over a year of marriage counseling. We also had a five year old. I also had moved over a 1000 miles away from the best job I ever had because of HIS job. We even moved back closer to home to start over. He went back to see her before we even unpacked. Once a cheater, always a cheater. He only regretted getting caught. Wasted 19 years with someone who couldn’t have cared less. I love my kiddos but he was a mistake.

Sometimes a person is choosing to do what is wrong. You don't need all of the other creative layers to understand it.

0:00: 💔 The impact of cheating in relationships and the importance of learning from past mistakes. 3:28: ⚖ Importance of commitment, respect, and protecting relationships by avoiding temptations and prioritizing each other. 6:21: 💔 Recognizing emotional infidelity, addressing vulnerabilities, and exploring commitment to monogamy. 9:39: 💔 The importance of prioritizing partner's needs, maintaining connection, and putting effort in relationships. 13:04: 💑 Essential pillars for a strong relationship: trust, respect, intimacy, consideration, honesty, vulnerability, emotional safety.

I am glad that you emphasize how no one needs to forgive a cheater. If I was cheated on, that'd be the end, period paragraph. If I give my loyalty and trust to someone, and that trust and loyalty is violated, that relationship is not equal, has not been equal since that person cheat, and so isn't a relationship to me. Not a healthy one. That's not even including things such as STDs. Imagine being in a committed relationship with someone and have never stepped on those lines, and you find out you got HIV because your partner decided you weren't enough. Now you have to live with the trauma of being cheated on, plus an incurable STD which people are going to judge you on, even though it was not your fault whatsoever.

I was told many times that if my husband cheat on me it will be my fault. I couldn't believe in that but it always made me depressed. Thank you Jimmy ❤

just found out last night that my ex, who I broke up with in December, was cheating on me during the last month or so in our relationship (we had to go low contact for a bit because of family issues), and he ended up hitting on and talking to another girl. honestly, at this point, I wish I had never met him because he was not a good boyfriend, and I 100% gave everything to him. it was just a little less talking, but I still gave him everything. anyways, I'm glad I broke up with him, and I dodged a bullet! if someone makes you question their loyalty to you, leave, because I had dreams and felt weird that last month. there's just that 6th sense.

Your wife deserves so much love and respect.

Much respect to you for owning your mistakes and helping others wether they are men or women

Keeeeeeep talking/ sharing. This information is so valuable. The right persons WILL listen. Been there…. On both sides🙏🏾

There is a lot of extremely good information here-- thank you. I would add that emotional cheating takes an additional toll, in that all of the intention and energy that you should be applying to your relationship is now going to that new person. As you starve your relationship of what it needs to flourish, your unknowing partner will likely react negatively, which you then use to rationalize giving that other person more of your time and care. You have created your own vicious cycle.

Wow. Thank you for sharing. As a former serial cheater myself, and having grown tremendously, those choices have consequences that have followed me forever. I don't expect someone to hear my side, and it doesn't matter. I recognized the pattern inside me too late. Oh, the amount of time I could have saved working on myself first! But I was too hurt and too broken at the time to do different. At the same time, I've been cheated on many times. And so I've had lots of time to consider how I've made others feel...

My husband has cheated 4 times. 1 time while dating. 3 times during our 32 year marriage. I left him on Dec 9th 2023 after I found out about affair #3. I’m devastated as it had been 17 years since his last affair. He is 56 and we have 3 kind 4 grand kids.

This is very valuable advice and I congratulate you, and your wife, to have made it through this rough patch and to have found each other on the other side. What it comes down to, is accepting one self as a bundle of traumas, desires, and acquired concepts and trusting another person, your significant other, enough to share your journey with them, with all the ups and downs, because the binding force between you is the love you share for each other. When they fall, you pick them up. When you stumble, it's their turn to help you find your way back. Problems are learning opportunities. That also counts for relationships. (Always implying, you are in a safe, healthy, supportive, and respectful relationship. Otherwise: get out.)

One of my oldest friends cheated. Took us all by surprise. The shame & guilt tore her apart. Years of friendship gave me particular insight & I had warned her how it could effect her in life. Cheating was a result of a deeper rooted problem. Since then she has grown & l feel she has absolutely learnt her lesson. As her oldest friend I made sure she was held accountable for her actions & still loved her as a human being whilst making sure she got the help & guidance she needed. That’s REAL TRUE FRIENDSHIP, so for anyone whose worried about how they’re friends or family may feel it’s tough love and only real love would go so far so one can grow & heal.

10:34 You caught me red handed there, and I appreciate your blunt approach. I am in a healthy marriage with a spouse who I adore and I believe feels the same about me. But I catch myself afraid of “losing to the competition”, afraid that my relationship is too perfect and I’m going to miss the flags, and that’s why I’m here. Thank you for your videos, and giving me hope in husbands who earnestly seek to honor and respect their wives and maintain mutual trust and love.

I have no idea why people get into relationships, marriages only to later on cheat on the partner. It is a mystery to me. I have been single for 12 years having all the possibilities in the world I do renounce all kinds of "fuckery". So same for partnerships, you do not have to jump on every boat that sails by, this is using people for self gratification.

Thank you for putting this into clear language. We had this issue 33 years ago, in the first decade of our marriage. We have now been together 46 years and it did require work to get here. I have ADHD and relationship dysmorphia. I was diagnosed at age 64 and it explained sooo many things. Even now, I am learning better ways to express myself and listen to my partner. He has done so much to learn about my diagnosis and the ways it affects our relationship. It is a constantly evolving process that has fulfilled me in so many ways. Never give up!

Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing your story again, despite knowing that people might try to discredit you. You used your mistake to put in the work and have been helping others ever since. Me included. Your content has helped me understand my own emotion processing. And my marriage too, learning how to better discuss needs and set boundaries ect. Thanks Jimmy, you're appreciated 🙏🏾 ❤🙏🏾

I admire your sincerity and the way you are highlighting the fact that cheating has not a 50/50 fault but it's the cheaters fault. Research says that the people that cheat have a lower emotional intelligence and a lack of consideration for their partner which does make sense because otherwise you wouldn't cheat and disrespect him/her. By the way how you speak it's obvious that you have studied a lot about psychology and relationships, it noticeable that now you are in a different place and you talk in the perspective of the partner which means you have a high level of empathy and compassion.

Jimmy...you are amazing , and you are so spot on and we can relate to everything you are saying! We are in counseling now and one of us is getting ready to do the deep within work to try and heal some past traumas and hurts which is causing a lot of issues in our marriage. The number one is emotional connection like you were talking about. We've been married for 25 years, and it almost ended a couple of years ago. I stuck with him and said that the only way we are going to make it is with some marriage counseling in addition to some self-healing like IFS Therapy! We have just discovered this intensive therapy and praying for healing and great outcomes! Thank you so much for making all of your videos! We absolutely can relate to all of them and feel like you made them just for us! You are nailing our marriage and our issues spot on!!! Amazing! We are both blown away how you are speaking to us directly every time you speak about the problems in marriages!!! Thank you again!!!

Everyone's choices are theirs alone. We are each responsible for every action and choice we make. Your partner's cheating and every other action has ZERO to do with you. If you feel disconnected, leave the relationship. Cheating solves nothing. And you can do ALL the "right" thing, and your partner might cheat on you. Cheaters cheat. And there are those will NEVER cheat no matter what the circumstances. \\

I appreciate your honesty, your vulnerability and your generosity SO much! Thank you Jimmy

The wisdom Jimmy is sharing could only be shared so honestly and intimately through his direct experience! Bravo, for your courage, generosity, maturity! Your devotion to helping the rest of us finding our way is so appreciated 🙏🏻

Thank you for being so clear! Be responsible with your emotional patterns. So so many people ignore it..they say: I can't help that feeling. That's complete Nonsense! Makes me sad.

THANK U!!!! Powerful!!! I have never seen someone have the courage from experience to explain the other side!! Ahhhhh I needed this, you're my hero 🎉❤!!!

This is one of the realest videos I’ve ever seen online 😮😭🙌🏾 Thank you for sharing your story sir. Takes a LOT of courage to share a downfall or shameful act. But it’s when you’re vulnerable enough to share your shame, that you become a blessing to others!! I’m deeply grateful you’re sharing your truth. You’re on a selfless path and it will serve so many, including yourself’ keep going!! 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾🥹

I love how open and honest Jimmy is. What an excellent relationship coach!

A heart to heart conversation every day sustains a friendship along with love and respect, sustain a relationship.

Thank you for sharing your journey to a more fulfilling relationship. I must admit that I stayed in an unfulfilling relationship because I form very strong attachments with those I love. I don't cheat though I have truly given up on my partner and see him as a business associate at best. In addition, having lived within this hurtful relationship for so many years I am doubtful that I could be made to feel safe in forming an intimate loving relationship with anyone in the future. I agree with you that knowing yourself is critical when entering any relationship. In particular knowing your boundaries. My advice to others is, get to know your boundaries and don't form relationships with those who do not respect those boundaries. Be well.

I came back to this video only to thank you. You are helping me not only in my romantic relationship but also getting to know myself more. Please keep making these videos.

THANK YOU for the raw truth AND how you deliver it !🙏!

I must say if this hurtful experience in the past has been an important part of you going as deep as you have been going, thus becoming the person who is able to create this immensely valuable channel the way you have.. You are doing the sacred work - turning immense pain into healing. First for yourself and your dear ones, and then deliberately choosing to put in all that it takes to share abundantly. I bow to you for this work. Also I am learning so much and I appreciate it.

This is so mature and vulnerable in sharing your journey in something statistically 1 in 3 couples will unfortunately experience. While NEVER justified, it's important to recognize that cheating can happen on either side and to recognize the situations that often can lead to it.

Jimmy, seriously, the fact that you've Been working So Hard on your situation, & providing a Valuable community service, is going to pay off for you & your wife in ways you cannot even imagine. I'm glad you guys stayed together 👍🏻❤️

When you center your life around your relationship, instead of your spirit, this is what happens. Cheating is complex and there’s no good one way of explaining it because it’s a result of so many things going wrong at once and the variations in the details depend on the people involved. If you make your relationship with another person your anchor, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. I want to challenge the notion that selfishness is entirely bad for us socially. Selfishness can be defensiveness, which we don’t want, yet it is also a requirement of good boundary setting. You must take care of yourself first before you can ever help fill someone else’s cup. Our inner intentions are the genesis of our outer life.

Thank you for sharing your experience. That takes a lot of guts and a lot of people can relate to you.

I cheated on my husband. I was disconnected from my husband. I fought with him to connect. He was lazy and didn't fight for me. I was drawn to outside influences. We ended up in a divorce. I learned what I needed to heal and adjust my mindset. I had to learn to communicate my needs. Thank you this is wonderful advice for if I get into a relationship again.

Thank you for your honesty. You have a very kind way to talk about sensitive topics.

This is a great video. Love when you rally us all to stay active and not become complacent. Very thought provoking video. Craving past comfortable chaos is so counterintuitive! It was mind blowing when I first heard this was a thing some people struggle with. I started noticing a part of me that falls into that disordered mindset. Thank you to your wife, your pastor, God, and you.

Thank you for your shearing! It would be really helpful to hear her side on how she is able to forgive & stop thinking about the betrayal on reply while trying to move forward.

Some people married the Wrong person. Then they meet a person that they are more happy/compatible with and are more drawn to them.

You are such a wonderful, special human being. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your candor, intellect, sensitivity and humor. Thank you, thank you, thank you. ❤❤❤

You did it again. You explained a tough subject in such a powerful way. Thank you. ❤

I really appreciate your videos. I find them very helpful to look at things from another perspective .

Well done you, for manning up and taking account. People need to see how to go forward from this.

Jimmy thank you so much for your videos! You are teaching me so much on how to have a healthy relationship and how to be a healthy partner! Keep up the GREAT work! And thank you for being so honest and vulnerable with us!

I just wanted to thank you for the videos you put out. I started watching your videos after me and my ex partner broke up after 3 years. It was a tough but great relationship, especially because my ex has BPD. I started watching in pursuit of learning from the mistakes i did and to ensure that i can also teach my next partner about these things if i find someone i'd like to be part of my life. I not only learned a lot how to maintain a relationship but also about communication with ANYONE in general. You don't take sides, you don't make me or anyone feel excluded, even if we were the one who messed up. I think the way you talk about these things is something i haven't stumbled across looking for advice like yours. I'm currently 22 and l think learning these things early on gave me so much more understanding. I abolutely love your videos and watch them just to understand different viewpoints. I didn't cheat, neither did my ex partner, but videos like these make me understand things i would struggle relating to or would feel inclined to form a bias against. Thank you for the golden words you're offering to anyone looking to improve themselves and understand their partner. Greetings from Germany!

Idk when my ex cheated, I looked at it as an open relationship and had my fun on the side. He found out on his bday and was really devastated, but that’s how I had felt for months… I have no regrets.

Thank you for remembering where my moral compass stands. Its really important because I don't want to hurting people because I need validation. I notice I only feel good because I get something what I dont get from my partner. But I dont will do anything to hurt him. I hope we can handle it and then make a choice how our future will look.

Man I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. Everyone is mostly unforgiving on this topic, which I definitely understand but it’s hard to get over this roadblock or others. Thank you for sharing this!

Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your personal insight. Hopefully others can learn from your mistake and stay away from the temptation and work on the relationship they have.

Thank you for sharing this video, Jimmy. I fully agree with what you say. If I may add, people who have unrestricted socio-sexuality tend to be novelty seeking and prefer having a variety of partners. Even when they are in a fulfilling relationship, they have the proclivity for seeking people outside their committed relationships to satisfy their needs. There are also people who can't imagine having a single partner for the rest of their lives after being married to one person. If one partner wants to have a monogamous relationship and the other partner doesn't or wants to bring in a third person into it, it's a good opportunity to have an open conversation, reassess the relationship and arrive at a mutually agreeable solution.

I have a question that is the opposite of "Why does someone cheat?" And that is "Why does someone stay with a person who they want to cheat on?" Like if they're so bad and you'd rather be with someone else, why stay with them? Because it mostly sounds like people just stay so they can use their current partner out of convenience.

I like your calm balanced approach, wise words, and particularly appreciate the humour when you pull out the clipboard. I am in awe of the plants in the background.

This is literally the best video I have ever watched on this subject. Well done. Thank you.

Man - that 11:00 minute mark onward - Just WOW, you nailed that.

Good video. Lots of truth shared in a 16 minute time span.

Thank you very much, Jimmy, for your courage & integrity in sharing your personal story.

I learn so much from you. Thank you for sharing and educating us. I love learning from you and have told my adult children to watch you to keep their relationships healthy and to learn.

Brilliant, insightful, useful, and from the heart. Many thanks.

Thank you for sharing, Jimmy. As a person who was cheated on multiple times, I appreciate your humility and honesty. I am learning a lot from you.

Thank you for this perspective as to what causes cheating in a relationship, I needed to hear this today. I always felt that there has to be a deeper reason as to why people cheat on their partners in relationships. You are not condoning it just contextualizing the motives behind it. I can receive this message from you because you have experienced it from being the person who cheated. I respect your honesty and the compassion you have today for your wife. Realistic we all have fallen short of the glory, and nobody has lived a perfect life. Your past is your past, you wouldn't be who you are today without certain experiences to help heal others.

I have so much respect for your honesty and thank you so much for all the education you give the world! Keep going, the world is a better place because you are in it and what you choose to give back. Thank you.

Thank you Jimmy. I hope that my marriage will be restored. Im working on myself.

I really enjoy your videos...I've been in your shoes, trying to recover...

Jimmy, I just want to thank you so much for your videos keeping me company. I've been watching your videos for almost a year now, turned to them when I was hurting within my most recent relationship. Never had I found myself pointing at the screen with so much contempt for my situation and related-ness to yours. I just broke up with my now ex boyfriend because he was omitting information about hanging around this particular female who had mocked and hurt me. He proceeded to stick up for her and not understand me. It broke me to my core. I did my best to understand his point of view, but he kept her in secret, and then was distant when I let him know how much it hurt. I'm the problem...

Some of the best life/relationship advice I've ever heard!!!