Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved | Esther Perel | TED

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Infidelity is the ultimate betrayal. But does it have to be? Relationship therapist Esther Perel examines why people cheat, and unpacks why affairs are so traumatic: because they threaten our emotional security. In infidelity, she sees something unexpected - an expression of longing and loss. A must-watch for anyone who has ever cheated or been cheated on, or who simply wants a new framework for understanding relationships.
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КОМЕНТАРІ: 13 000
@Aaron-hk6st
@Aaron-hk6st 2 роки тому
An affair isn't always the end of a relationship but it is always the end of the relationship as it was once known.
@oliviah4022
@oliviah4022 2 роки тому
True
@StarofSolomon
@StarofSolomon 2 роки тому
Only cucks remain with their cheating partner.
@wesleygordon1645
@wesleygordon1645 2 роки тому
There is such a thing as forgiveness & restoration, but it takes two people to work it through!!
@wesleygordon1645
@wesleygordon1645 2 роки тому
@@StarofSolomon Fools don't forgive! And fools don't ask for forgiveness
@jerryharris876
@jerryharris876 2 роки тому
For me, it is the end of the relationship, period.
@cosmaskibarangwa8277
@cosmaskibarangwa8277 2 роки тому
I'm in a relationship with the gym, we always seem to workout
@Atlas65
@Atlas65 2 роки тому
It is maybe a dad joke level. But still a very underrated comment.
@aisele1
@aisele1 2 роки тому
🤣 brilliant. 👊
@emprrah
@emprrah 2 роки тому
Yup
@racheltalbot718
@racheltalbot718 2 роки тому
😂😄😂
@hueyhooverhampton7060
@hueyhooverhampton7060 2 роки тому
😁
@Yetipfote
@Yetipfote Рік тому
"Staying is the new shame." This sunk deep.
@tme98
@tme98 Рік тому
Same here, I am guilty. I took her back, and my friends lost respect for me.
@lukasbryant9881
@lukasbryant9881 Рік тому
It may have sunk deep, but is actually shallow and incomplete. Relationships are complex and the saying "staying is the new shame" is an extreme oversimplification. Starting from 14:40 on, she explains this.
@coronaphone710
@coronaphone710 Рік тому
Give m what they want But do it safely... Put something on it and make 100% sure ...
@eithkobbsh1094
@eithkobbsh1094 Рік тому
@@coronaphone710 What is your mental disorder exactly?
@USAviation85
@USAviation85 6 місяців тому
@@tme98What matters is the respect you have for yourself.
@alinq9897
@alinq9897 8 місяців тому
12:22 “it isn’t always our partner, that we are turning away from. but the person we have ourselves become. and it isn’t so much that we are looking for another person, but looking for another self”
@madhumitabasak9275
@madhumitabasak9275 8 місяців тому
That line made me pause, it was truly so beautiful ❤
@jimin6813
@jimin6813 7 місяців тому
Brilliant line
@Jetsetfastfood
@Jetsetfastfood 2 місяці тому
If your wife neglects you she should not be surprised when you find a new woman.
@Kritikanbringer
@Kritikanbringer Місяць тому
Stop the cope.
@789kbek
@789kbek 4 роки тому
"Not looking for another person, but looking for another self." That hit me hard.
@789kbek
@789kbek 4 роки тому
Love, like all emotions, is far more complex than that.
@ThomasDoubting5
@ThomasDoubting5 4 роки тому
Self is nothing it's an illusion. Self is what you think we are. Nothing but thoughts. What we actually are is not explainable in reality. Senses and emotions is the nearest thing I can think of.
@ThomasDoubting5
@ThomasDoubting5 4 роки тому
@@789kbek it's only complicated when you think and dissect its the same with anything. Love is a idea and no words do it or other emotions any justice. But if you think nothing,or question anything.. What is any of this?
@puckromanesco5336
@puckromanesco5336 4 роки тому
12:21
@fireoil
@fireoil 4 роки тому
it extend to friends in another dimension i feeling
@Cocofx
@Cocofx 8 років тому
"Affair in the digital age , a death by a thousand cuts" WOW
@itaialter
@itaialter 8 років тому
TheSwoleBroscientist Dying by a thousand cuts is a reference to a certain torture technique, where instead of just killing you and getting it over with, they cut many many small cuts in your body until you slowly bleed to death. In her metaphor, the discovery of each piece of history from an affair is like a new cut.
@iviewthetube
@iviewthetube 8 років тому
Cocofx Sort of like the meat slicer at Quiznos?
@namewithheld7835
@namewithheld7835 8 років тому
***** just keep your head down and ignore the world, great philosophy. That kind of thinking keeps poverty and crime the most prevalent problems in the world
@namewithheld7835
@namewithheld7835 8 років тому
***** who would think a low life Cheater would be better than them? And why does the person being cheated on become a coward loser for wanting there to be justice in the world?
@namewithheld7835
@namewithheld7835 8 років тому
***** if you had listened to the talk you would remember she said it wasn't a emotional need that caused the affair, it was a fear of the partner's own mortality, and the feeling of _"Is this it?"_ You seem to think *communicate and listen to your partner*, and _everything_ will be _peaches and cream_. That's *bullshit*, you even said relationships are complicated. You are just trying to blame the other person for your own lack of self control, and personal responsibility. 
@yasminatkinson9290
@yasminatkinson9290 Рік тому
He knew how much it would hurt me, but he did it anyway.
@insanepopcorn
@insanepopcorn Рік тому
This orator can really weave a compelling narrative. Ive watched this ted talk several times now and am always enthralled by how captivating Esther is. Her charisma and charm are only eclipsed by her knowledge and insight. I aspire to one day think and talk as gracefully as she does.
@andreav9045
@andreav9045 Рік тому
You should listen to her books.
@Thescotandthegobbyshite
@Thescotandthegobbyshite 2 місяці тому
Her podcasts are amazing too
@sephiroth1234
@sephiroth1234 7 днів тому
Great comment, ChatGPT
@joo5972
@joo5972 Рік тому
i think the most hurtful thing about an affair is thinking of what you were doing while it was happening. Thinking of being at work, Thinking of the times you went to the store, the times u were sleeping and were so naive. You feel bad for yourself, you question what’s true and what’s not. The hardest part is not forgiving the act, it’s forgetting the act. It’s so hard to not ask for constant validation and then wonder if what they’re telling u is even real. Feeling like “this person looked me in my eyes right after they did it and didn’t even feel the guilt”. It’s a scary thought. It makes you question yourself. I don’t know if I can ever let this go but I want to trust him more than anything, I want what he’s saying so badly to be true.
@jessemilymorrow
@jessemilymorrow Рік тому
This.. this is actually how it feels to be cheated on by someone you never suspected a thing! And I think if someone hasnt been betrayed by their so trusted partner then they will never know how it really feels! Well said.
@jessemilymorrow
@jessemilymorrow Рік тому
@@hak1985org I think its more so the fact that you trusted so easily this person and when you find out they did something you never expected, it hurts to suddenly be shocked with not knowing what is true and what isnt anymore and doubting everything they are saying because now you know how easily they lied to you about so many things. Of course this is gonna make you doubt about yourself and many other things!!
@ThiaEmmy
@ThiaEmmy Рік тому
@joo this is exactly how it feels. The constant clash of emotions versus sound logic is exhausting let alone painful.
@umutruzgar2923
@umutruzgar2923 Рік тому
@@hak1985org There is a human being in front of you -a traumatized one!-, would you mind being more emphatic and not attack their persona, please? That's just unhelpful and rude.
@umutruzgar2923
@umutruzgar2923 Рік тому
just please dont ignore your intuition. If you want to try only because you love him, think twice. Strongly recommend therapy as it is one of the most devastating things you could ever experience, it leaves a trauma
@jasonnowak6512
@jasonnowak6512 4 роки тому
"It's our imagination that is responsible for love, not the other person"
@thomasking3663
@thomasking3663 4 роки тому
They missing your point .....
@Love_To_Be_Love
@Love_To_Be_Love 4 роки тому
Jason Nowak so true! I’ve been focusing on creating my own happiness from myself!
@perry9402
@perry9402 4 роки тому
Being in Love with a projected imagination of what your partner is can be dangerous. If they leave, your left with a shattered self. Some people actually never recover.
@joshuacoleman8000
@joshuacoleman8000 4 роки тому
@@perry9402 And some end up going on a deadly rampage.
@o0orayo0o
@o0orayo0o 3 роки тому
But the imagination is the pinnacle of evolution. You must have been cheated on or never got the girl of your dreams so now you stopped dreaming altogether.
@rjwl55
@rjwl55 Рік тому
Like she said, sometimes we get to the point in marriage where we realize that we are not the person we want to be or really are. Although it is harder to become your real self in a dysfunctional marriage, refusing to be stereotyped by your spouse and living in integrity can actually have a revitalizing effect on your marriage, as you are more like the person that they fell in love with in the beginning. After 20+ years and fruitless counseling, I gave my rings back to my spouse and said, "If you are willing to have a completely different kind of marriage, let me know, because I would be." It took two months, but he decided he was willing and we made steady progress after that. At 45 years of marriage with four grown children and 9 grandchildren, I am glad I hung in there for change.
@derrevolutor6347
@derrevolutor6347 Рік тому
what kind of marriage did you have and what did it become?
@rjwl55
@rjwl55 Рік тому
@@derrevolutor6347 I began the first 10 years of marriage trying to become the person that would make my spouse happy...which proved always just out of reach. The next 10 years were spent trying to defend myself and get my spouse off my case, which was gasoline on the fire. The Gottmann's books helped as did Verbal Abuse by Dr Grace Ketterman and Unoffendable by Brant Hansen. In the end insisting on being treated with respect (in a respectful way, of course), getting rid of Gottmann's "4 horsemen" and refusing to accept or internalize intended and unintended offenses (letting the other person be in a "bad mood" but not reacting or cooperating with it) gave us the power to overcome/minimize destructive relational dynamics. Occasionally we slip back but quickly recognize old patterns and apologize or pull out of them. Friendship and companionship is more our goal than romantic drama.
@derrevolutor6347
@derrevolutor6347 Рік тому
@@rjwl55 wow. I wounderful that you analysed your emotions and found a way of logicly working on it. Most women I know resent this method, stating that their love and relationships can not be explained. You made a rather unique choice, both of you. Thank you for sharing your experience
@monicastanley0422
@monicastanley0422 Рік тому
That’s a beautiful outcome. I’m so glad for you. ❤❤
@erko78
@erko78 10 місяців тому
Rare outcome but did cheating happen? I just don’t understand how someone could trust someone who cheated and continue to stay with them. This Ted Talk is nice but really just word salad. Cheating isn’t just the physical act. It’s the partner lying to you day after day, smiling in your face and telling you they love you while at the same time texting their affair partner, risking your health with STDS, risking your family’s life because what if they picked an affair partner who is unstable and will show up to your home, etc When you look at all that evidence you realize this Ted Talk is just word diarrhea. A cheater has shown you they’re dishonest, deceitful, will risk your health and your family JUST to get their attention, validation and sexual urges. Now you tell me why any intelligent person would want to give such a person a chance again? The logical and intelligent decision is to move on from such a horrible person and try your luck at finding someone better.
@caradeville3076
@caradeville3076 Рік тому
Who else is watching this through tears after being cheated on
@Ch0senJuan
@Ch0senJuan Місяць тому
Lol at no one responding 😂😂😂
@SpicyCurrey
@SpicyCurrey 26 днів тому
​@@Ch0senJuan too vulnerable. But she's not the only one
@feldsparchannel4205
@feldsparchannel4205 16 днів тому
Me
@alexl8392
@alexl8392 5 років тому
2:50 "Monogamy used to be one person for life. Today monogamy is one person at a time..." DAMN 😔
@greenlitlleman
@greenlitlleman 5 років тому
@AJ Flex Monogamy could be "always one person for life" only if it is enforced by society like in Islam countries. It is unnatural for our species, it can't make us happy in 90% cases. Things become like it is because people were given a choice and now things are much more natural and closer to our nature which is serial monogamy.
@kurtisnicholson125
@kurtisnicholson125 5 років тому
@@greenlitlleman REALLY?
@jackjones3657
@jackjones3657 4 роки тому
Good luck having a loving and trusting marriage with that mentality.
@pres4417
@pres4417 4 роки тому
@@greenlitlleman u serious 🤣🤣🤣
@greenlitlleman
@greenlitlleman 4 роки тому
@@pres4417 Its not me, it is evolutionary biology and neuroscience. It isn't a matter of opinion here.
@quiteindeed6809
@quiteindeed6809 4 роки тому
The worst part of this whole ordeal, is that for those of us who are truly monogamous, are also sadly the most vulnerable.
@amadd5641
@amadd5641 4 роки тому
Other pieces of the pie some will restrict to weekends.
@yusufdurmus1557
@yusufdurmus1557 4 роки тому
In a way, It almost encourages you to not be 100% loyal at all :(
@quiteindeed6809
@quiteindeed6809 4 роки тому
@@yusufdurmus1557 I always say: "Why be a good man tomorrow, when you can be a good man today"
@freppie_
@freppie_ 4 роки тому
Love is making yourself vulnurable right?
@varalabeschkuni2890
@varalabeschkuni2890 4 роки тому
@@jordanallen8420 creep.
@neilkellett732
@neilkellett732 Рік тому
30 years ago I cheated on my greatest love and was discovered. It destroyed us both and while she recovered, I didn't. After trying so hard to make it work again she left me and went on to meet and marry another. She is now very happy while I have never fully recovered from the guilt, the loss and the self blame.
@calimarcella
@calimarcella Рік тому
:(
@SilverPaladin
@SilverPaladin Рік тому
You should forgive yourself and put it behind you.
@JohnJJingleheimer
@JohnJJingleheimer Рік тому
Good
@srbaruchi
@srbaruchi Рік тому
You are likely idealizing the marriage and the love and bond between you. This is easy to do in the absence of the other. Regardless of why the affair happened, and the marriage dissolved, 30 years is WAY too long to be victimizing yourself. You are a different man now. But you have to RECOGNIZE that and CHOOSE, actively, to no longer be stuck in the past.
@dddddbbb
@dddddbbb Рік тому
Sounds more like infactuation than love. If you truly love someone you don't put your own desires above theirs. Move on. Find someone you do love.
@mikebarriga
@mikebarriga 5 місяців тому
There’s something incredibly sad about the idea of looking for the bright side or the opportunity in an affair. Being cheated on sucks, having to imagine the events as they took place sucks. Picturing your partner with someone else sucks and choosing to live with it also sucks.
@mikaylawright6625
@mikaylawright6625 4 місяці тому
One hundred percent. The thing Im struggling with is imagining him doing to her the same things he did to be, or better, and enjoying it.
@unonumero717
@unonumero717 4 місяці тому
@@mikaylawright6625I can almost guarantee he truly did not enjoy it and hates himself for what he did if he’s showing deep remorse. I know I didn’t enjoy it. It made me sick. I went limp. And was sick all night afterward until I left.
@Thescotandthegobbyshite
@Thescotandthegobbyshite 2 місяці тому
​@@unonumero717you sound like you have a conscience. Many people either don't, or feel entitled or justified to have the affair. Some cheat because their partners have already cheated. Some cheat just because they can. Some even cheat because they were told not to and it reasserts their independence. But what I do know is that so many people do not feel guilty as they justify it in their own minds.
@sheriwilliams8942
@sheriwilliams8942 2 місяці тому
Sorry Sir, I know the feeling. 😔
@donnasimmons2241
@donnasimmons2241 2 місяці тому
Amen, you are absolutely right.
@Chris-cf2kp
@Chris-cf2kp 7 років тому
She's a powerful and brilliant orator. It seems like many here missed her message. She is against infidelity, yet does not cover her ears and shout when both perspectives are examined. She is presenting her analysis of both perspectives, that of the cheat and that of the betrayed. She is very scientific and unbiased, and this speech was very insightful.
@flower5185
@flower5185 7 років тому
What did you learn about cheaters from this? I watched the whole thing hoping to find some insight, but this sorta fell flat to me.
@earlgrey2130
@earlgrey2130 7 років тому
Then you didn't listen. We learned about who cheats, when and why we cheat, what it does to the cheaters, the relationships and how to deal with the situation it creates. What else do you wanna know?
@Confundus
@Confundus 7 років тому
Wtf??? You need to watch it again and listen this time.
@bigsteve3481
@bigsteve3481 7 років тому
+
@geema2281
@geema2281 7 років тому
I thought she was insightful as well. It seems most people in the comments just didn't understand. This wasn't a pro or anti discussion. It was merely a discussion about the reasons and circumstances and even the outcomes once it happens. I thought it noted some interesting points and perspectives. I'm sure people will now insult me and call me names or something.
@joemarshall4226
@joemarshall4226 5 років тому
The fun of having a partner with whom you have no secrets is better than the thrill of cheating.
@natashagranville6581
@natashagranville6581 5 років тому
But some men (and women) are thrill seekers. They like taking risks. They get a buzz from it. They are addicted to cheating, like alcoholics and gamblers. I have been cheated on. Now i have major trust issues with men.
@jeniwatkins3297
@jeniwatkins3297 5 років тому
True
@Chimonger1
@Chimonger1 5 років тому
Whether each in a successful relationship knows it or not, humans ALWAYS keep secrets from even those closest to them. How many secrets, or what kind of secrets, usually depends on how whole or broken they became, from how they were parented from the time they were conceived. Those who think their partners hold no secrets? Usually are blithely deluding themselves. It would be extremely rare to have no secrets...and if one thinks they’ve found such a couple...think again!
@jeniwatkins3297
@jeniwatkins3297 5 років тому
@@Chimonger1 generally this is true but not always.
@mercwindow
@mercwindow 5 років тому
Winter Star I believe it's just healthy to have a well rounded interesting happy life in your own right that you can then share. It's then up to you and the respective partners how much of that life you participate in. For instance I love ballroom dancing. My husband knows and encourages this as he has observed me at my clubs but he hates that kind of dancing. He on the other hand is a body builder and I have observed him and his colleagues of both sexes at his gym. I get a buzz from having this 'conversation ' through dance that can be quite sexy with many men several times a week. I don't know whether or not this makes my husband jealous he never says but we equally do lots of wonderful intimate things together and share conversations about his gym and my dancing. We are not perfect by any means but this is one of several things I have for me that keeps me emotionally satisfied and interesting to my partner
@Jeff-uq7iu
@Jeff-uq7iu Рік тому
Cheating especially in a marriage is probably the worst thing you can do, you can permanently scar someone. Even if the person gets over it, they will always be affected by it. When I was in the military I've seen guys get completely wiped out by news of infidelity, even to the point of suicide.
@volvo24091
@volvo24091 Рік тому
Suicide because your wife was dishing it out. Fools.
@firewater3523
@firewater3523 Рік тому
Ah yes, youtube, censor the comment replying to the comment about infedelity induced sucide
@blake4701
@blake4701 Рік тому
100 percent.
@MrQuincy88
@MrQuincy88 Рік тому
@@firewater3523 well uh… if u were saying people are weak and it shouldn’t affect them then I get why they censored u
@Goochiesharkanimation
@Goochiesharkanimation Рік тому
So true..
@007-bourne
@007-bourne Рік тому
My second best Ted talk ever! Well articulated. “When we seek the gaze of another, it isn’t always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves become”.
@JohnvanGurp
@JohnvanGurp Рік тому
44 years with my sweetie and I’ve never strayed once… I made a commitment out of love and it’s as strong as ever.
@abileleoncino
@abileleoncino Рік тому
may god bless you
@combitech8169
@combitech8169 Рік тому
Oh here we go 😂
@jannaghaleiw5504
@jannaghaleiw5504 Рік тому
Well said John, you're a great and very honest and honorable man. Me too I swear, I've been married for more than 24 years now, I've never ever cheated on my wife.
@lm406
@lm406 Рік тому
Really, there is more than one way to "Stray" , Nevertheless, good job. I commend you for marriage longevity, I could not stand him after a few days of marriage.
@debbiedebbie9473
@debbiedebbie9473 Рік тому
I didn't know that was possible for men. Your wife is lucky. ♥️🍀🍀🍀
@vivavinto
@vivavinto 3 роки тому
Betrayal in a relationship comes in many forms: neglect, contempt and indifference
@patriciacole8773
@patriciacole8773 3 роки тому
That’s the cold harsh truth
@hannasalo3463
@hannasalo3463 2 роки тому
So very true 😪
@KarlosEPM
@KarlosEPM Рік тому
Spotted the cheaters
@oemj7147
@oemj7147 Рік тому
@@KarlosEPM Yup, the typical excuses.
@onnol917
@onnol917 Рік тому
@@oemj7147 you do understand that this does refute OP's statement right?
@phawtakhun3652
@phawtakhun3652 Рік тому
My partner was cheating on me while we were leaving together for 2 years. Although there were so many some red flag, but she never stopped telling me how much she loved me and want to spend the rest of her life with me. So I kept on believing her lies and shoving the red flags. . Never knowing that she was having an affair with a guy that I know and they both kept it a secret. I got to find out when I open up to a very good business partner. How I have been noticing some red flags and he advised me on what to do and to find out for sure if she is being faithful. It was then that I realized that she was having an affair with this guy and they were secretly making future plans.. I was so heart broken by this but still grateful that I did the needful to actually find out. It is really such a painful thing how people plays with ones emotions.
@xialee5703
@xialee5703 Рік тому
So how did you find out?
@phawtakhun3652
@phawtakhun3652 Рік тому
I employed the help of a professional, who helped me to uncover everything with evidence. Here is his contact no. below
@phawtakhun3652
@phawtakhun3652 Рік тому
1[559]
@phawtakhun3652
@phawtakhun3652 Рік тому
[3760]
@phawtakhun3652
@phawtakhun3652 Рік тому
[021]
@florat3742
@florat3742 3 роки тому
“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” - Bob Marley
@joelosminski4525
@joelosminski4525 3 роки тому
Great quote...
@gericko4931
@gericko4931 3 роки тому
yeah, a singer , he must know about psychology
@florat3742
@florat3742 3 роки тому
@@gericko4931 You don't have to have a diploma to know about life... Life experience also counts, everyone is searching for their own answers. Also, his quote is more philosophical than scientific.
@karaa7595
@karaa7595 3 роки тому
@@florat3742 well said. Psychological "experts" act as if they literally created human beings. Their field is so subjective that I find it difficult to call it "scientific".
@keithkellner4517
@keithkellner4517 3 роки тому
And how to make suffer those who instigated the hurt
@dafyddil
@dafyddil 3 роки тому
"Staying is the new shame." This woman has it so figured out... DAMN
@dud3man6969
@dud3man6969 3 роки тому
I could only keep waking up with a fake smile on my face for so long.
@bryanr7622
@bryanr7622 3 роки тому
LITERALLY
@carlosgarcia5458
@carlosgarcia5458 3 роки тому
That profoundly hit home!!
@tiffanybluetarot
@tiffanybluetarot 3 роки тому
@@dud3man6969 it's difficult to do. Especially when you start waking up alone more often than not. There is a breaking point ...and even though we knew an ending was coming, it doesn't help ease the pain when it happens.
@dud3man6969
@dud3man6969 3 роки тому
@@tiffanybluetarot I do understand. When you’re really bonded with someone you believed you could trust the betrayal is hard to believe at first.
@Aelfwine_Deira
@Aelfwine_Deira Рік тому
Very powerful words. As someone who was cheated on....yet we managed to continue our relationship. The parting words really struck me: "your first marriage is over, would you like to start a new one?" That is exactly how it is if you choose to stay together. It is not for everyone and the cultural norms and peer pressure (as she discuses here are so powerful) make it almost unbearable to stay together.
@CrystalDatingCoach
@CrystalDatingCoach 9 місяців тому
Cheated once...and never again. Really?
@madmike3012
@madmike3012 9 місяців тому
You’re still getting cheated on.
@MrMoronification
@MrMoronification 8 місяців тому
Same here. The process of building trust again with her and moving through the process is very difficult. I beat myself up daily for what I have done. I hope one day I can forgive myself.
@USAviation85
@USAviation85 6 місяців тому
@@madmike3012Statistics show 60% of men and 40% of women cheat. But, 90% of people only have one affair.
@iamweebo1349
@iamweebo1349 4 місяці тому
@@MrMoronificationwhy did u do it? :/ If you don’t have a problem sharing
@LivveDae
@LivveDae Рік тому
To me cheating is most damaging because it requires a total lack of honesty, and then creates an immense distrust in the person who cheated. You were sticking to the contract while the other was going off doing whatever they want, treating you as if you're too foolish to notice, too unworthy of being loyal to, and it assumes the cheating partner is too special to be cheated on as well by opening the relationship while the one being cheated on deserves to just be one of many. Being cheated on feels like being stabbed in the chest. I personally believe it is an evil thing to do. Her breakdown on relationships was very insightful though.
@jaguarfocus
@jaguarfocus 8 років тому
"it isnt that we are looking for another person but we are looking for another self"..............damn........ you nailed it. i have felt like a different self in each of the relationships that i have had. always wondered if others felt the same. thx
@XNadax
@XNadax 8 років тому
Maybe because you were not your true self in every relationship you had..we wether consciously or subconsciously tailor ourselves to fit in with our partners and in a way we lose some of our true selves..Or maybe because everyone you were with brought out something in you you didn't know existed we grow and we learn new things about ourselves everyday.
@jaguarfocus
@jaguarfocus 8 років тому
yup....growth is life.
@DeeMontezx1
@DeeMontezx1 8 років тому
Yes absolutely.
@jaguarfocus
@jaguarfocus 8 років тому
i think the only way for any relationship to work is to tone down on the expectations from each other and take it one day at a time..........this forever love nonsense is what ends up killing the bond between two consenting adults.....give space and get space in return..........deep understanding of the balance between both is the key.
@kpjlflsknflksnflknsa
@kpjlflsknflksnflknsa 8 років тому
+jaguarfocus with respect, maybe you shouldn't depend on others to define your "self"
@hughmanatee7657
@hughmanatee7657 3 роки тому
She is not only brilliant in her analysis, but also a master of language.
@hughmanatee7657
@hughmanatee7657 3 роки тому
@Fernando Fernando Explain that, please.
@krose420
@krose420 3 роки тому
joseph bianco so you’re a cheater
@ShivavihS
@ShivavihS 3 роки тому
@@krose420 or his insight comes from being cheated on
@henare101
@henare101 3 роки тому
@@krose420 stop gaslighting and projecting
@krose420
@krose420 3 роки тому
henare101 honey what’s wrong with you? You sound miserable
@horrormastersph2070
@horrormastersph2070 Рік тому
Whenever I run out of reasoning and common sense, i go back to this talk. Excellently delivered😑
@erikajeremy
@erikajeremy Рік тому
hz0yoe Holyoke
@baronhelmut2701
@baronhelmut2701 2 місяці тому
Yeah, the only way you can listen to this nonsense is if your brain isnt working well. A relationship is over after cheating. Regardless of any feelings or any desire. If you forgive them once, they are just going to keep doing it.
@leopren
@leopren 2 місяці тому
@@baronhelmut2701 exactly, this is justa a well spoken mental gymnastic to justify the lack of moral compass, lack of self control.
@S.bjc03-01
@S.bjc03-01 11 місяців тому
She is so well-spoken. I love this Ted! I love how she spoke with conviction, facts, asked important questions, challenged some beliefs while remaining respectful, and sprinkled a sense of humor. I love how it doesn’t end with just “no, move on” because that it not always the case for some. The reason behind infidelity reveals a lot more truth to about the person who commits the act than just reflecting the relationship itself or their partner. It’s definitely a grey-area of introspection when trying to find the next steps because the answer lies within one’s core values and beliefs.
@aminmansouri2733
@aminmansouri2733 8 років тому
I had hardly ever seen any other speaker in Ted Talks than this person with such deep understanding of the concepts they are talking about.
@PacificMoceans
@PacificMoceans 6 років тому
Amin Mansouri i agree
@humminghawk
@humminghawk 6 років тому
there is nothing that can't be justified. Nothing. even lieing, stealing, ect. there is a reason for any and all behaviors. anything can be reframed to look good. I really am not getting tha aha moment here. liars, cheaters, thief's have always existed and always will. and yes, we are to forgive. and to work on ourselves.
@UnholyRave666
@UnholyRave666 6 років тому
Explainations and justifications are very different things.
@Grasseatereu
@Grasseatereu 5 років тому
then you acutally start listening to what they say...
@jasonn1210
@jasonn1210 4 роки тому
@Angela Wilson it's not all about you. take her advice and ask investigative questions and not accusitive ones which will eat you up inside.
@kierah16
@kierah16 6 років тому
"Affairs in the digital age is death by a thousand cuts." 😧😦😥 So true.
@c.j.9248
@c.j.9248 5 років тому
Keira Lewis I so totally agree with you Keira. That is how my wife had her 2-year emotional affair. And 3 years later after it was exposed, I again still do not have access to her email account or phone. Feel like I am being set up for another bout of heartache on the horizon.
@summerbreeze3358
@summerbreeze3358 5 років тому
@@c.j.9248You likely will have to suffer another affair unless you demand full transparency and access to her accounts in return for continuing the marriage with her or else threaten with the divorce which she deserves. Secrecy is how she got into an affair the first time. She has to earn your full trust first but you have to be assertive and show her you can divorce her if she doesn't make the effort to do so.
@MichL_71
@MichL_71 5 років тому
Nothing quite like that feeling of stumbling across the digital evidence. 😩
@leslieclarke7417
@leslieclarke7417 5 років тому
a hit to the gut
@stephaniemwadime3329
@stephaniemwadime3329 5 років тому
Right. I've never related to something so hard😩😩😩
@teenajopataytay
@teenajopataytay Рік тому
I wanted to try again after my husband cheated. He didn't. He also told me he thinks he'll likely end up dating the girl he cheated with, but wants to stay friends with me. Screw that. Is he hurt that I set a boundary and said no? Of course. But am I done living by his laws? Absolutely. I feel angry and heartbroken, of course, but I also feel liberated. I have no one to answer to any more, and this whole affair has shown me who my real friends are. I have fewer than I thought, but as many as I need, and I will get through this divorce.
@tanx125
@tanx125 10 місяців тому
You did right. Actually im the cheater in mine i flirted with a classmate bcos i was influences that girls and boys who are friends do it as joke. But i realised that if i have to hide then its wrong. When he got to know i was actually more hurt than my bf. And its been 5 years and i still feel hurt that how can i make my love feel this way how did i end up disrespecting him. Tbh, your husband doesnt care abt you and you should never give him chance. Im telling tbis bcos honestly constant feeling regret helped mw grow and be better for him. Now even if be decides to leave ill be happy tbat atleast i tried to heal him
@user-yz7mw7gm7n
@user-yz7mw7gm7n 13 днів тому
Right on I went through it myself they never get better they get worse ❤
@richardgraham1167
@richardgraham1167 Рік тому
Break trust and it never truly returns. Excellent TED Talk, thanks Esther Perel.
@joshuaamoroso4809
@joshuaamoroso4809 2 місяці тому
That’s not true at all
@geraldpolmateer3255
@geraldpolmateer3255 3 роки тому
My wife and I have been married almost 40 years. I find her more attractive and desirable than ever. A lot of that happens because both of us have a strong desire to be better people.
@smitajky
@smitajky 3 роки тому
@@reneekelley4279 If you had watched the whole video you can see that there is a lot more than meets the eye. It is a form of cowardice to simply accept the pressure of society.
@mylittlekittens
@mylittlekittens 2 роки тому
Self improvement definitely makes a person more attractive.
@dadof3tngirls
@dadof3tngirls 2 роки тому
@Jack Strawb good luck with that attitude.
@geraldpolmateer3255
@geraldpolmateer3255 2 роки тому
@@smitajky the majority of people are followers and follow the crowd. Just look at how the politicians can stir up people for their self interest. Unless people have a wise standard they will follow anything. Most people want to be right rather than have a relationship. A lawyer friend of mine once told me he quit doing divorces because he believed 99% of the troubles people had in marriages could be helped if the couple were not focused on being right but rather on being humble and getting help.
@magenrader6725
@magenrader6725 2 роки тому
That’s beautiful and you all are lucky to have each other. ❤️
@grapiken7766
@grapiken7766 8 років тому
There are those who rise above childish weakness and make a moral decision to treat their partner with respect. They may, at risk to themselves and the relationship, clearly communicate that they are unfulfilled by the relationship in some way. There is no getting away from it - cheating is an act of disrespect and on a personal level, I would rather be told by a partner that they were 'unhappy' than to be cheated on. The lying, deceit, prevarication and duplicity is a thousand times worse than being told the truth.
@christinasebastian3749
@christinasebastian3749 8 років тому
Well said
@CCLynnBeauty
@CCLynnBeauty 8 років тому
+Gra Piken It's happened to me constantly, and to this day I'm still broken over it.
@grapiken7766
@grapiken7766 8 років тому
CCLynnBeauty this is why I hate cheaters. The heart never fully heals
@samr1321
@samr1321 8 років тому
+kioni kearney At least, then you know that it's over and you don't have to deal with the question of "why?".
@MoneyMagnet2222
@MoneyMagnet2222 8 років тому
Thank you Gra! My thoughts exactly. When a person chooses to come up with lies to hide his/her affair all while looking their partner in the eyes & saying love them, the cheater has made a conscious decision to selfishly disrespect the trust and space his/her partner has given. If those likely to cheat put efforts into their "main" relationship that they do in affairs - there would be no need for affairs. Man or woman up and tell the damn truth. You put those you claim to love at risk physically and emotionally all because you want it all. Communicate! Tell your partners your dreams, fantasies, fears and hopes. If your partner does not want to meet you halfway, get counseling or break up! Sheesh.
@champtunes
@champtunes Рік тому
Got married at 23, wife chested 2 years later. Didn't forgive her and found myself a godsend angel in my new wife. Took me 6 years to meet this wonderful person and I couldn't be any happier. This is what a marriage is supposed to feel like. We have a son and we just thank God everyday for life.
@bilalmunir4757
@bilalmunir4757 Рік тому
Happy for you. May the lord give you both the patience to deal with each other’s imperfections and bless your children.
@heidiWava
@heidiWava Рік тому
Yay! Thanks for letting me know it's out there, and giving hope that I'll find my good relationship when I'm ready!
@joanarc7963
@joanarc7963 Рік тому
@@adalindamorales4123 shut up adeleine
@amorepsyche808
@amorepsyche808 Рік тому
@@adalindamorales4123 this was really unecessary
@bulletbob6296
@bulletbob6296 Рік тому
Yeah I understand mine cheated within 6 months. My new wife has been a God send.
@kimt8162
@kimt8162 Рік тому
My parents were both the one and only for each other; the key: they waited until they knew they had the "one>". She's right; they often were homebodies, yes; they argued and all that. They liked to hang out with each other; they supported each other. If you are happy with your home and see what you have at home as "the one". Even if you are out and someone flirts with you, you won't take it seriously and won't let it become anything. The internet is a problem; people think they have all these options out there.
@marieegan3451
@marieegan3451 Рік тому
I kind of agree. I came from a smaller town and from a slightly different time where being married was the thing you needed to do once you graduated high school. I resisted doing so, or I would have been divorced. Many women I went to school with married the first person that asked them, because they were in love with the idea of marriage and children, ignoring the fact that the guy was really a bad fit for them personally, with a lot of red flags. Many had parents that stayed married out of obligation and not love, and they accepted that they might need to as well. But we live longer lives, and societal norms are shifting. Many of these women ended up single Moms, looking for another man to help support them and their children when their horrible marriage blew up. No person is a perfect fit, but waiting and opting for someone who is a better fit for a partner, is definitely more acceptable these days. And never forgetting that marriage is work and appreciating and acknowledging your spouse goes a long way to keeping them happy and by your side.
@TheSeancassady
@TheSeancassady 7 років тому
What you say at 6:15 reminds me of a class I took in college on sexuality. The professor separated the students by gender and had each group create a pie chart of characteristics or attributes they look for in a partner. So the female groups pie consisted of things like being a good father, being financially responsible, supporting me, having a sense of humor... The male group then came up with a similar list but you could definitely see a difference in the items listed for each group. The thing that we discussed afterwards was that no one person fulfills EVERY piece of your pie. They may be great with money but not great in bed. They may be super funny but not great at making you feel supported. The question posed by the professor was "which pieces of the pie can you live without and which ones are absolutely essential for you to want to remain in that relationship?" I think of that when I am discussing relationship topics with people, it is an interesting concept.
@LSSYLondon
@LSSYLondon 6 років тому
That is such a good point. I always say "No person is so perfect, so Ideal, as to be the be all, end all, everything you will ever want, need, desire, every day 24/7 for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. And if you think such a person exists, I have a bridge to sell you."
@TheSeancassady
@TheSeancassady 6 років тому
The problem is that we are raised, and society strongly influences, an idea that you can only be with one person or should only be with one person at a time. I like the current trends of open marriages and polyamory, I just wish I had been born about 30 years later so I could have participated in what I see playing out now.
@youtubesuresuckscock
@youtubesuresuckscock 6 років тому
I don't know dude. Jeff Goldblum is up there.
@Rolroorlo
@Rolroorlo 6 років тому
Perfect concept
@lauramoyabeauty1710
@lauramoyabeauty1710 6 років тому
Hi Annony Mouse, I would like to talk more about alternatives to “normal” relationships. I consider myself polyamorous and would love to hear your perspective as someone “from another time”. Your comments were very refreshing.
@vasdgod
@vasdgod 3 роки тому
"Monogamy used to be one person in life, today monogamy is one person at a time" nice one
@MsPerfume25
@MsPerfume25 3 роки тому
Lol
@devilsoffspring5519
@devilsoffspring5519 3 роки тому
Monogamy IS, by definition, one person at a time. It could be only one person for life, or you could be with a number of people, but if you don't sleep with someone else when you're with a given person, then by definition you're monogamous. Some people get married, or form an exclusive partnership with another, and the other person dies. After that, they find someone else. If they don't shag anyone other than their current partners, then they're monogamous.
@sunflare8798
@sunflare8798 3 роки тому
@@devilsoffspring5519 what you are describing is serial monogamy, which is a form of polygamy. Monogamy means one partner for life. If we accept your definition then even a prostitute can be classified as monogamous if she goes with one client at a time, which obviously doesn't make any sense. Don't mistake the concept with the application.
@Drmetalman1
@Drmetalman1 3 роки тому
@@devilsoffspring5519 a cheater probably changed the original one person for life definition to incorporate their own actions haha j/k
@stevedemoe5755
@stevedemoe5755 3 роки тому
It's what we call serial monogamy
@susettehorspool2646
@susettehorspool2646 Рік тому
Wow. She's really good. I hardly ever subscribe to the videos I watch, but I want to hear more of her. She's direct, uses delightful language, and tackles the most difficult parts of her talk head on. I'm impressed.
@chriscullen2586
@chriscullen2586 2 місяці тому
'The victim of the affair, is not always the victim of the marriage.' Wow. That is an incredible truth.
@AsesssInvestmentsLLC
@AsesssInvestmentsLLC 2 місяці тому
Yes it is
@jasonb.9167
@jasonb.9167 20 днів тому
It sure is...
@EduardoMartinez-oz4ft
@EduardoMartinez-oz4ft 4 роки тому
In my opinion this is a video that everyone no matter the generation, age, race, gender identity, political ideology; everyone.... Should watch.
@briansounalath
@briansounalath 4 роки тому
What about non binary Reptilians?
@argemsalazar8122
@argemsalazar8122 3 роки тому
no
@cgreen4395
@cgreen4395 3 роки тому
This lady is bullshit
@krose420
@krose420 3 роки тому
Eduardo Martinez probably because you’ve cheated
@smitajky
@smitajky 3 роки тому
I agree. When she said that today it takes bravery to NOT condemn an affair that is the unfortunate truth. If between 25 and 75% of PEOPLE have had an affair it also means that there are between 7% to 50% of marriages in which one or other has NOT had an affair. Being able to understand it and to handle it would greatly reduce the suffering across the nation. Yet we are too stupid to see that so we doom ourselves to a needless misery.
@raghavmandhana6507
@raghavmandhana6507 2 роки тому
"Earlier they divorced because they were unhappy. Today people divorce because they could be happier"
@ellielyndon1645
@ellielyndon1645 2 роки тому
True
@rajnaganna8740
@rajnaganna8740 2 роки тому
Over It afganistan
@rajnaganna8740
@rajnaganna8740 2 роки тому
What’s happening in afganistan
@rajnaganna8740
@rajnaganna8740 2 роки тому
Kabul
@likearollingstone007
@likearollingstone007 2 роки тому
Too much choices
@Delred1
@Delred1 8 місяців тому
It could NEVER be the same again, NEVER.
@Nailnuke
@Nailnuke Рік тому
It's my experience that trying to make things work after the pain of infidelity is a mugs game. After 30 years I still feel the same, I remember every sordid moment of what was done to me (twice), I should have moved on but I stayed because of the kids, now I stay because of the grandchildren. There is no love. My advice to anyone is to make the break as fast as you can, the sooner they are gone from your life, the sooner you'll start to mend. adulterers don't change, they don't deserve forgiveness.
@marinpecheur9128
@marinpecheur9128 8 місяців тому
Your comment makes me sad for you...
@mel2936
@mel2936 6 місяців тому
I don’t know how your life is now. But just no it’s never too late to leave. Don’t live your life for other not your kids,grandkids,friends, no one. Live life the way you want to even if it disrupts the peace. I say not being who you are and not choosing yourself is the biggest betrayal. I say you can still leave. I hope the beat for you💗
@lolaizajazzmin
@lolaizajazzmin 2 місяці тому
I don't even know if the word is whether they deserve forgiveness or not I'm not sure either even matters whether they're sorry for it or not you have to take care of you and all I can say is I am a person who has an extremely faithful personality, and I despise despise adultery, despise and faithfulness And it happened to me I guess where my husband was cheating and I gave him six months to change and he didn't and I'm glad I left him never been sorry about leaving him actually did me some good I totally laugh about it now and I'm so glad I stayed firm. It would've been a mistaketo allow him to come back into my life and yes, the children did suffer. They would've suffered whether we were together or whether we were apart his actions were horrid.
@lornocford6482
@lornocford6482 3 роки тому
Infidelity is a betrayal to the children too and they have no say in the re-building of the relationship. Few parents actually acknowledge what their children go through.
@bansheeebeatz
@bansheeebeatz 3 роки тому
Why do you feel that it is a betrayal to children?
@yve4889
@yve4889 2 роки тому
@@bansheeebeatz because children grow up to believe their parents are madly in love and that nothing could break them apart. So when this perfect - or at least peaceful- picture of their family is torn, it really takes a toll on them. Deep down, no matter what, no child likes to see their parents separate or hurt each other in any way. Not to mention that through and after divorce, the kids will have to be separated from one parent and just keep being thrown back and forth between the two until they are old enough to make that decision or live by themselves. And what about their mental health? It's not going to be any better.
@stutim3987
@stutim3987 2 роки тому
True
@LSSYLondon
@LSSYLondon 2 роки тому
@@yve4889 Wrong. I don't know any kids that grew up thinking their parents were madly in love... that's a fallacy. Children catch on to the true behavior of parents very very early (around age 5 usually).
@minhthutrinhngoc5171
@minhthutrinhngoc5171 2 роки тому
@@LSSYLondon You sound like someone who haven't had kids yourself, if not, you're not understanding your children well enough. My parents has always been fighting since I was very young, but I've always gripped onto the image that everything would be fine, and I could be like the other kids. My father's affairs have affected both our family and me personally severely, it has robbed me of the ability to trust or commit to a relationship. Even though children can catch onto the behaviors of their parents early (which is quite unfortunate, no children should grow up that fast), the hurt and the damage of an affair will always be guaranteed.
@sumitsinghthakur2930
@sumitsinghthakur2930 6 років тому
Basically, if you're bored in a relationship, you don't need an affair, you need a hobby.
@gcmusictchr
@gcmusictchr 5 років тому
@AmarNathan - What is "love" to you? What is a relationship to you? Perhaps you are not embracing the whole person in your "relationship." In that case, it would be easy to understand how you so easily get bored. A relationship takes time to build, and it should get better and go deeper with time, if you have chosen a person with whom you are well-matched. If you choose a person that you have little in common with, then you will get bored because there is nothing to build on.
@FathomFrequency
@FathomFrequency 5 років тому
@AmarNathan maybe its an age factor. Women over 30 tend to have a better handle on their worldview. Maybe they are projecting to much on you idealisically...Or if you are simply oblivious- you could be amused by taking off on someone and bewildered by their confusion and loneliness. You got to set some boundaries for yourself and be explicit with them.
@mommabear5059
@mommabear5059 5 років тому
AmarNathan personally, I don’t find anything wrong with that......IF!!! you are honest up front and let them know that’s how you are and that’s all you want. Believe me, there are women who don’t want the entanglement of an honest commitment too. But if you aren’t honest up front, you’re nothing but a scoundrel.
@kits1111
@kits1111 5 років тому
Yes, but people look for easy n cheap tactics...rather than putting efforts in themselves.
@porridge57
@porridge57 5 років тому
AmarNathan You are exactly right! Look at what these people are saying to you. Be with one girl. Don't want other girls. If you cheat, you are breaking their trust, betraying them, crushing their dreams, being a scoundrel, causing the end of civilization basically. Jeez, no pressure...just live up to our expectations of you. And ignore your intensely powerful natural, biological drives. You are actually the only one being honest with him/herself here. I guarantee you some of these people scolding you have cheated or would love to. It's is an extremely powerful drive.
@marclegarreta3359
@marclegarreta3359 9 місяців тому
This made me cry. As a person who is so afraid of abandonment and rejection, it makes me less afraid to love.
@VIPIN4528
@VIPIN4528 9 місяців тому
Chilllllll man just make urself strong enough that when any rejection or cheating event happens to u tt affects your career/money life least Figure out ur own way before it's too late coz it's sure we all get rejected and cheated in most cases and humans are not like before anymore
@inesalag
@inesalag 5 місяців тому
how beautiful what she sais about looking for another self... "it isn't so much that we're looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self"...
@niar3214
@niar3214 3 роки тому
People in the audience who are in an affair right now: 👁 👄 👁
@msf1506
@msf1506 3 роки тому
Lol
@SweetChick10101
@SweetChick10101 3 роки тому
This comment got me 😂
@ghughes1506
@ghughes1506 3 роки тому
😂
@ABC-os1vk
@ABC-os1vk 3 роки тому
😭😹
@betbet2259
@betbet2259 3 роки тому
🤣🤣
@carlakyle
@carlakyle 4 роки тому
“Your first marriage is over, do you like to create a second one together...?” Let’s talk about ending lecture with a high key!
@lwc41
@lwc41 4 роки тому
That quote has become the motto of my relashionship, let go of trting tonhet what tou once had and let's create something new!!
@kathy2888
@kathy2888 4 роки тому
Do she mean with the same person?
@Dream-Me
@Dream-Me 3 роки тому
@@kathy2888 yes with the same person
@Dream-Me
@Dream-Me 3 роки тому
@A loud Italian shh
@chandrashekharhinge5225
@chandrashekharhinge5225 3 роки тому
Big "No", Once milk becomes curd, it won't become milk again...
@deborahmarinelli9277
@deborahmarinelli9277 Рік тому
To listen to Esther Perel is marveling to me. She‘s clear, bold and on point. The end of her talk has brought up very strong feelings and tears and a deep understanding, like something snapped into the right position…. Which makes me think, what she said is an universal truth. When we‘re confronted with deep truths, then we are able to adapt our behaviour in order to align it with our beliefs.
@michaelconnor9578
@michaelconnor9578 Рік тому
Every relationship I've ever been in, I've been cheated on. It has always left me thinking that the problem is with me & as much as I'd like to have someone in my life to build with, it just doesn't appear to be in the cards for me. I just can't stay with anyone I can't trust. To date, that means my standards are too high & I'll probably die alone. Infidelity sucks 😞
@daniellesilva3433
@daniellesilva3433 Рік тому
You are deserving of much better, and you will find it. Create that self worth for You, and it will come. Sending you love and compassion for what you have been through ❤
@tamarbatyah7
@tamarbatyah7 3 місяці тому
Replace "cheat" with "hit". Still your fault?
@ProletariatPrince
@ProletariatPrince 7 років тому
"Who's children are these and who gets the cows when I die." The vast majority of the history of humanity summed up in a single statment. I like it.
@ProletariatPrince
@ProletariatPrince 7 років тому
Hmm who's or whoose?
@Loftur1172
@Loftur1172 5 років тому
Princess Ameatia it's whose :). In order to know for next time, expand the 'who's' contraction and see if the sentence sounds right. "Who is children are these...?" Versus "Whose children are these...?" I hope this helps!
@Treebard
@Treebard 5 років тому
Great comment! (Do not care about your grammar lol.)
@kwamebushman606
@kwamebushman606 5 років тому
Princess Ameatia ...yet it will still go over plenty of heads
@foxdragoon84
@foxdragoon84 5 років тому
Civilization, not humanity.
@brianm5637
@brianm5637 2 роки тому
Good talk. Yes, the affair did redid one my marriage- it ended it. The narcissist ex-spouse: 1:accused me of having an affair constantly 2. Denied having an affair even after I caught her, while: 3. She blamed me for having an affair. Good riddance to that psycho. Years later, I met a ‘normal’ woman, which blew my mind. I waited for a year for the lies and gaslighting to start, but they never did. I consider myself blessed.
@connorflynn1885
@connorflynn1885 2 роки тому
Same story here, hah! It still catches me off guard to get a sweet, loving, appreciative message from my SO.
@thrushjz
@thrushjz 2 роки тому
Sounds like my Ex...
@vkrgfan
@vkrgfan 2 роки тому
Sorry about your experience. Yes, she romanticizing infidelity too much. Narcissists aren’t looking for another self when cheating , they aren’t able to self reflect period, and it’s never their fault. They pursuit of an affair is deliberate, they want their cake and eat it too. But they sure teach you a lot about self love, after relationship with a Narcissists your boundaries and values reassessed.
@karlmel15
@karlmel15 2 роки тому
Sound borderline
@kenyonjhill
@kenyonjhill 2 роки тому
Why is it always heartbreak then a good person shows up LIKE WTF Why Can't the Good Person Show up first
@stevenvater8720
@stevenvater8720 Рік тому
She is the best speaker I have seen on you tube, konstsntin kisin a close second. Her wit intelligence skill in communicating... priceless
@Ch0senJuan
@Ch0senJuan Місяць тому
Cool.
@vietnguyen3007
@vietnguyen3007 Рік тому
This is still so powerful years after I first discovered this talk
@jessicad.f5485
@jessicad.f5485 Рік тому
This was very insightful and captivating. "Many cheaters feel guilty for hurting their partner but not about the affair itself "💯
@Lilyflowers659
@Lilyflowers659 Рік тому
Cheaters don’t change, despite what others say.
@jessicad.f5485
@jessicad.f5485 Рік тому
You might be talking from experience but sorry, some do
@kenadams3306
@kenadams3306 Рік тому
Humans are mammals and only 3 to 5% of all mammals are monogamous. Throw in social media and you have darwinism on crack. Fight it, hate it, ignore it, nothing's gonna change, it'll only get worse.
@missmarya747
@missmarya747 Рік тому
Or not to be a habitual cheater, liar, or diminish it.
@blueskies6699
@blueskies6699 Рік тому
Nope nope nope. If cheaters felt at all guilty they’d stop at the first kiss. They don’t. Most do it again and again and again. For normal non-cheaters this behaviour is incomprehensible. Cheaters don’t care bc they have no guilt receptors. Or love receptors for that matter
@mihailung1720
@mihailung1720 8 років тому
I can't imagine this speech being given in any accent other than French.
@arabifatah
@arabifatah 8 років тому
true
@samr1321
@samr1321 8 років тому
and I can't imagine those words come out of anyone other than a French.
@Suessnase
@Suessnase 8 років тому
+Sebastian Anderson she is from Belgium :-)
@Snappldel
@Snappldel 8 років тому
Isn't it Russian?
@jburckhardt
@jburckhardt 8 років тому
+Sebastian Anderson OMG, I love her accent
@leighwarre2495
@leighwarre2495 Рік тому
It’s not one act, though. It’s a series of acts. There’s the development of the connection with the person one will cheat on one’s partner with, the planning to find a place to meet, the flirtation leading to the affair, etc….
@mitchelltaylor5540
@mitchelltaylor5540 8 місяців тому
I was cheated on by my first partner with a good friend. It was like a double whammy loosing 2 people. They never told me directly so I stuck around for a while after. I was to young and dumb to know how to deal with it and It destroyed me as a person. I went around lying in every relationship. Never fully committing to the person because I thought everyone was a cheater. I ended up finding someone amazing eventually and falling in love. I thought I’m going to be honest and commit to this girl. It was 4 years into the relationship when I started cheating on her. I got super paranoid she would cheat on me and didn’t want to be the fool again. Turns out I was the biggest fool I’d ever been. I only destroyed her and myself even more. I eventually confessed as I couldn’t let her live a fake reality for so long like I did. She appreciates I did that and she ended up leaving me. At first I asked to her to give me another chance I would do whatever it took to rebuild her trust but once I knew she had made up her mind I fully respected her decision and let move on with out any drama from me. I can’t express how low I feel right now for committing an act that caused so much damage to her life. I promise myself I will never start a romantic relationship with anyone until I have dived deep into myself, do the hard work and fight these Demons and heal these wounds. Because losing your integrity is one thing, but hurting people you love is the worst thing you can do.
@rabbi619
@rabbi619 7 місяців тому
Please forgive yourself mistakes happen we are humans but find a person who can tolerate mistakes even affairs and stay with you. Find a wife.
@USAviation85
@USAviation85 6 місяців тому
Best of luck to you. You seem like you’ve really gotten introspective. Hope you figure things out and find a partner to be faithful to.
@sybrandtgrobler2795
@sybrandtgrobler2795 4 місяці тому
Just find a good partner who will accept it and you, Who will take care of you,,and you to her. And not bringing up the past. Just go forward and live your life.
@aries3744
@aries3744 3 місяці тому
I wish my husband would tell me the truth. I feel like I need closure, but he just keeps gaslighting me.
@adambridgeman4191
@adambridgeman4191 5 років тому
"It isn't always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves become. And it isn't so much that we are looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self". (Esther Perel) Pure poetic truth...love her so much!
@deborahwiley-patel5072
@deborahwiley-patel5072 5 років тому
This struck me! If more ppl would pay attention to this and not falling into depression or suicide.
@worthmyhearts.k.3630
@worthmyhearts.k.3630 5 років тому
I loved that part too, she is not only intelligent but really poetic. Her speech was like an epic so that I became so overwhelmed at the end. But even after that, there are bad types of infidelities you can never survive from.
@jameslittle5214
@jameslittle5214 5 років тому
Why can't people just not be cowards, and end the relationship rather than cheating?
@isabelomolo8853
@isabelomolo8853 5 років тому
THIS just hit home for me.....wow!!!! I replayed it 6 times
@crissybelle7946
@crissybelle7946 5 років тому
So true.
@nadiaduarte7160
@nadiaduarte7160 7 років тому
Amazing insight. It seems we really need to continually work on ourselves rather than look to our partner to meet all of our needs.
@letsgetcancer7265
@letsgetcancer7265 6 років тому
Nadia Duarte, well said. You are a wise person.
@tonystone3397
@tonystone3397 5 років тому
Love would demand that you put your partners needs before you even thought of your own wants and needs.
@amorepsyche808
@amorepsyche808 Рік тому
Affairs will kill trust.. without trust there is no relationship be it romantic/ business/ friendship/ ect. Integrity should be the core of any relationship
@Rumdreg
@Rumdreg 8 років тому
Cheating is just an expression of impulsiveness. A yearning for instant gratification instead of talking and working on the actual relationship. This is accentuated by the modern society that provides quick and ever- available pleasure.
@DSBrekus
@DSBrekus 8 років тому
Rum Dreg Your over simplification is ironically a prime example of instant gratification. People like simple answers but the truth is complicated because reality is complicated.
@DSBrekus
@DSBrekus 8 років тому
Rum Dreg There's no reason to take things so personally. "Cheating is just an expression of impulsiveness." This is what you said, you stated that's all cheating is, impulsiveness. And I pointed out that's an over simplification. If you had said something like "sometimes cheating is..." or "one aspect of cheating is..." then fine it would indicate you aren't making any big general claim but you simply boiled cheating down to one thing. I don't know anything about what you think about this subject and I never claimed to. I just replied to your comment as it is.
@kalif3000
@kalif3000 8 років тому
Rum Dreg I agree. It is really sad that some people can't seem to reflect on themselves and realize that.
@xsp53x
@xsp53x 8 років тому
Burgled annnd Burgled takes the lead again...
@Arjuno
@Arjuno 8 років тому
Burgled So bang on that my couch shook. Rum Dreg You think she hasn't thought this through???
@pivot197
@pivot197 5 років тому
Communication is the #1 problem in most relationships. If you cheat on me I’m out. I relay that from the very beginning of the relationship. Now, if you tell me you are thinking about cheating because of XYZ...I will be hurt, but will appreciate the honesty. My goal is to work on resolving XYZ in order to strengthen the relationship. All you have is trust. Too many relationships die because of a thousand tiny cuts that lead to resentment, anger, and infidelity. In many relationships the silence of everything that was not said is deafening. Always stand up for yourself in a relationships and make sure your partner accepts who you are. Communicate constantly.
@carlagualtieri407
@carlagualtieri407 4 роки тому
Wish I did this
@spruceguitar
@spruceguitar 4 роки тому
You say “If you cheat on me I’m out” but you also say you’ll be grateful if she tells u she is thinking about X Y Z. You many not agree but let me lay it on you: and It depends how much time you have (if you are 85 it may not be your thing...) If you realize the importance of transcending your jealousy, and if you accept that you may both love another person and accept that, you may change your views. Open relationships are in the cards for the next century.. But to be willing to roll along one must understand what you get out of this: transcending your jealousy is a Big Thing. (Obviously not in the form of cheating - it requires work and constant communication). The partner knows when one is interested in someone and supports their loved one. Also: it’s not for everyone... But if you understand its importance I recommend you don’t miss this opportunity. PS: Finally I’m aware that this comment can attract a lot of hate and strong feelings. But I won’t stop saying it: jealousy is a pest and has to be eradicated. PPS: A child in shared custody doesn’t suffer because their dad also loves someone else. They suffer because their dad does not love their mom anymore and vice versa... If their parent truly loved the other parent and also loved someone else the child would be happy.
@vkrgfan
@vkrgfan 2 роки тому
Don’t try to recruit monogamous folks into your polyamorous web if lies. To be honest even polyamorous community does not condone cheating. If you want to live such lifestyle you have to be a part of poly community.
@tarasierralee
@tarasierralee Рік тому
@@spruceguitar Jealousy is not a "pest". It is a very natural, very valid and virtually universal emotion. Brené Brown defines and describes it beautifully. "Jealousy is when we fear losing a relationship or a valued part of a relationship that we already have." It goes far beyond romantic relationships and is more of a "cognitive evaluation in response to feeling anger, sadness, and/or fear." "In small doses and expressed appropriately, it's a normal part of HEALTHY relationships." Not feeling jealousy WHEN IT IS WARRANTED (or pretending not to feel jealousy) gives the message of indifference to the potential loss of a relationship.
@setkreyol1970
@setkreyol1970 Рік тому
Well said!
@anoushkayadav5545
@anoushkayadav5545 10 місяців тому
"The victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage" that stuck hard w me.
@Colors5873
@Colors5873 10 місяців тому
Eye-opener
@clairecakes9860
@clairecakes9860 Рік тому
I once Read that the secret to a lasting marriage is perfect acceptance of an imperfect person. Now I don’t think that people can’t change for the better or that you should stay in an abusive relationship. But I do think that acceptance of the whole person even if they are not “the best” for the will of commitment is a valuable and loving thing.
@monicastanley0422
@monicastanley0422 Рік тому
Agreed. Great points.
@unnink6243
@unnink6243 2 роки тому
Choosing to stay when you can leave is the new shame. This is gold❤️
@edenskye1870
@edenskye1870 Рік тому
Its really really true. My husband hasn't cheated but i have felt betrayed by him at a point in our relationship... this exact thought went through my head... The truth is if it hadnt have happened im not sure if i would be a close to him as we are now. Our problem solving skills and our trust absolutely exploded....
@sandracastillo3317
@sandracastillo3317 Рік тому
He cheated on me and everyone was flabbergasted I still wanted to stay and work it out. He was the MOST shocked. He told me point blank if I had cheated he would absolutely not have stay. My friends indeed did try to shame me and say I should not stay at the time but it wasn't the sexual cheating that bothered me as much as the lies that went with every aspect to cover up the cheating to make me feel like I was crazy.. If we create a space for trust things can improve was my thought. He started lying again about 6 months ago, non-stop. I am glad I stayed for my own peace of mind, 5 years ago but his behavior and our relationship didn't improve so after almost 8 years together, I left...without a word. He mistook my genuine desire to get to the bottoms of things and grow as a couple as a weekness and his distain and disrespect just grew because I stayed. My parents have been married and supportive of each other for 50 years and weather everything, so not working things out is not an option in my mind. I am hoping to find the same but with no shame in staying or going when needed.
@desireoxurus4208
@desireoxurus4208 Рік тому
@@sandracastillo3317 I bloody applaud you for your stance, the stance that we have as a society that if it's broken or cracked we need to throw it away and buy a new thing instead of trying to fix it first. Working things out and getting to the bottom of the discontent that caused the affair to begin with is it something that we can fix or is it something that is just something that is broken within my partner a sense of rebellion that they hadn't expressed at a younger age etc. but kudus to you for not staying when you sensed disrepect. all the best.
@shar6310
@shar6310 Рік тому
I wanted to leave early on but I was embarrassed. I thought I could make it work. The disrespect was crazy! I finally startd to see the light about 2yrs ago, I let go emotionally over a year ago and left physically 4 months ago 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️. It's definitely hard....oh he started dating someone right away...
@ycAuntieLala
@ycAuntieLala Рік тому
So long as you realize she didn’t mean it as if it were true or a good thing.
@Commitment2Risk
@Commitment2Risk 8 років тому
Cheating is the reason I'm afraid to be in a committed relationship I almost feel as though I need to change my expectations. As though I should expect to be cheated on. This is why I'm afraid to get married
@toguro5117
@toguro5117 7 років тому
im afraid of getting cheated on while in the army :/
@mando1337
@mando1337 7 років тому
+Commitment2Risk Now that is another subject which perhaps can be discussed in great lengths. I'm not a psychologist or anything, I'm just interested in human behavior. Why people are afraid and presume that the other half will cheat on them. Why are people so insecure these days? Are they insecure within their family? Around their friends? Is the society making them insecure? I was interested in this very subject years ago... and somehow I've forgotten about it. Perhaps it's time to dig it out.
@Commitment2Risk
@Commitment2Risk 7 років тому
+Just In Beaver I guess I can't really speak on behalf of other people. From my own experience I do not feel insecure around friends or family. I only have this deep fear in intimate relationships. It's not that I have a bad relationship with my parents. My mom and dad are still together after 17 years. My dad has always been around. I'm not entirely sure where the fear comes from. I would bet money on social structure. It is interesting ! I'd love to hear your thoughts
@sksigil
@sksigil 7 років тому
+Commitment2Risk Love is unfortunately risky and makes us very vulnerable. We can suffer loss due to anything life throws at us, illness, death, divorce, estrangement. Is love worth all that? If you meet someone that makes you say yes then you have your answer. But whatever you choose to do my advice is to always have your own source of income - you don't want to be tied to a person for reasons other than love and companionship.
@ericgutenhagen8270
@ericgutenhagen8270 7 років тому
+Toguro If you want a gf in the military she better be a pious Christian virgin. Honestly it's not a good idea at all.
@TheWaqs
@TheWaqs Рік тому
You brilliant woman,, I was cheated by my husband many times,,, he lied over and over again...,,, and many times i told hin if you still played my heart and you can't stop what you doing then bettet to leave me,,, i won't follow and i won't trust anyman..,,, it's so hard to be cheated while you are to faithful to your partner..
@angelsaray9163
@angelsaray9163 Місяць тому
She snapped at the ending. Caught me so off guard. She’s soo good!
@greencoolmoss
@greencoolmoss 3 роки тому
Damn you really need to re-listen to everything she says like 3 times before internalizing it. So much depth
@mattjacob5234
@mattjacob5234 3 роки тому
In need of any hacking or you need to anonymously spy on your cheating boyfriend/girlfriend dm @hack_a_ton on Instagram He works on any type of hack(all social media, PayPal, Bitcoin, credit cards, mobile cell hacks and so many more). He helped hack my girlfriend’s account, he’s reliable and charges way less
@kcx2678
@kcx2678 2 роки тому
“When we seek the gaze of another, it isn’t always our partner we are turning away from but the person that we ourselves have become.”
@citizenfour9622
@citizenfour9622 2 роки тому
“Oh well” is right. Leave that nonsense in the past! Let it go. Now you have a spouse and you’ve made a solemn vow to give yourself whole to them. Focus on the path you’re on together NOW, not “could be” fantasies of elsewhere!
@ceridonohana2985
@ceridonohana2985 2 роки тому
I think people have forgotten to take responsibility for themselves. If the reason for the affair is a response to the person they have become, that's within themselves to change that. We all have autonomy of our lives. If we don't like the person we have become,, or position we are at in life, change it! I tell my kids they decide what kind of a person they want to be. Be a better person and fix yourself.
@davidretondo2871
@davidretondo2871 2 роки тому
Bible speaks
@davidretondo2871
@davidretondo2871 2 роки тому
@@citizenfour9622 your right on. Can you imagine where we're going! Excuses are now available for debauchery! Check morality
@carlosonliones202
@carlosonliones202 2 роки тому
@@davidretondo2871 ...and, so....whatever...
@justanothermortal1373
@justanothermortal1373 Рік тому
I'm so happy my parents have been in a happy marriage for over 21 years. They are in love as ever and it really taught me and my brothers the value of a healthy relationship. Infedility unnecessarily hurts the spouse as well as the children. If you feel like cheating, just break up with them. It would at least wound them so much less.
@Daniela-pr7rz
@Daniela-pr7rz 6 місяців тому
breaking up with wife and children will hurt them less???? NO
@justanothermortal1373
@justanothermortal1373 9 днів тому
​@Daniela-pr7rz you're right. Maybe it would hurt them just as much. Idk. Never been in that situation. But clearly, staying in a relationship where you don't love your partner should do more harm in the long run to all those involved than breaking up with them.
@MvrckOkie007
@MvrckOkie007 Рік тому
Understanding why people do it…good analysis. What this talk lacks is any emphasis on accountability for the betrayer.
@HebrewsElevenTwentyFive
@HebrewsElevenTwentyFive 8 років тому
What I got from this is that you will be happier working on the relationship you have rather than spending the rest of your life cheating on people, constantly looking for this ideal that isn't there and having multiple sexual partners.
@SwobyJ
@SwobyJ 8 років тому
Barquisha Bon weewee Yes. Though there is also the discontentment that may happen no matter hard you work - for that, communication is key. This communication may lead to a separation, or recommitting, or (shocker) a more open relationship. But at least you're talking with each other, not cheating.
@HebrewsElevenTwentyFive
@HebrewsElevenTwentyFive 8 років тому
Malcolm Swoboda It got really deep when she mentioned what we ask of another person when asking for commitment. It's a lot to ask of another human being. And while I love the idea of a committed, happy, long-lasting marriage, it saddens me how difficult it is to sustain the desire and pure love you had for the person at the beginning.
@SwobyJ
@SwobyJ 8 років тому
Barquisha Bon weewee 'Marriage' is also a tradition more of lives that extend to only 50-60 years max (so 40ish years of marriage at the very max). That's very possibly a factor in some matters.
@LSSYLondon
@LSSYLondon 3 роки тому
@@SwobyJ In 1760 40% of women were visibly pregnant on their wedding day. Marriage lasted an average of just 7 years due to death (for men alcohol poisoning, job death were both incredibly high) for women death in childbirth was incredibly common. So we really can't compare this illusion we have of a "modern nuclear family" which was created out of the Victoria and Albert marriage (which only lasted 20 years due to him dying from pneumonia) to the reality of what has always been relationships with stepparents, separations, mistresses etc...
@SwobyJ
@SwobyJ 3 роки тому
@@LSSYLondon To be clear, you're not arguing with me, just pitching in?
@evanssabbi
@evanssabbi 3 роки тому
" the kiss that you imagine giving can be as powerful and enchanting as hours of actual lovemaking"..... that was powerful. Thank you for that Esther.
@evanssabbi
@evanssabbi 3 роки тому
@@stevearcher6100 anyone who is in touch with their emotional selves can relate to that. Truly being in touch with one’s emotions isn’t just reserved for the ladies alone. It does take a man who is secure in his masculinity to travel to that depth.
@Avidjupiter
@Avidjupiter 3 роки тому
@@stevearcher6100 You lack perspective.
@johnorr6697
@johnorr6697 3 роки тому
That statement has the absolute truth at it's core. The mind is forever young !
@citizenfour9622
@citizenfour9622 2 роки тому
*Translation:* “Live in the fantasies in your head rather the reality before you.” That’s bad advice all around. This New Age nonsense continues to lead people towards their own demise! 🤦‍♂️🙄
@JohnWaaland
@JohnWaaland 2 роки тому
Citizen Four: Seems like most of us have fantasies or dreams and "tapping into our emotional selves" part of the time and other times we relate to the physical world. I was trying to unravel what you said, "New Age nonsense continues to lead people towards their own demise"?
@simoneisabelleortega645
@simoneisabelleortega645 Рік тому
Wow. Deep insight. It's difficult to acknowledge all aspects of an affair when you are the victim/perpetrator but this one conversation was instantly life-changing. Funny, sad and inspiring. Thank you!
@bowekurowski5320
@bowekurowski5320 8 місяців тому
So I have mixed emotions about this. I've been on both sides of the fence, and I completely understand that in a relationship, nothing happens in a vacuum. Esther Perel's comment about how the victim of adultery often is not the same as the victim of the relationship is really on point. The odd thing was, when I was on the receiving end of adultery and cheating, I kept waiting to feel terrible... that I wasn't enough, that I should be angry... it never came. What did come was issues with trusting her for sure, but I never was angry and it never made me question my own self worth. It made me question what type of relationship we want to have, was the fairytale version of "marriage" and "love" portrayed by Hollywood even possible? Can one person be everything? Even if they could, should they be? It allowed me to really analyze our relationship, have some super open conversations putting our feelings on the table, and then gave use the opportunity to design the relationship we wanted to have. One of the biggest pieces of advice someone gave me about marriage is... lower your expectations and when people show you who they are, believe them. Stop trying to make an introvert an extrovert, or trying to convert someone who hates musicals into a fan. Let them be who they are and decide if there's enough there to hitch your wagon together.
@annafabian8281
@annafabian8281 3 місяці тому
❤ Nailed it!
@andreisoloviev7011
@andreisoloviev7011 3 місяці тому
Thank you for your comment. There is some very good advise here.
@melbee4848
@melbee4848 3 місяці тому
Thank you for this!!! I’m sitting here analyzing how I feel and I don’t feel worthless or ugly or not good enough. I do t have those feelings and reading your comment reinforced that it’s normal and ok. I love myself and know I’m fantastic and worthy. My partner made his own choices. He doesn’t know I know and I’m trying to figure out if I want to say anything or just let it be. I know why he did it even though I don’t agree. Ty
@bowekurowski5320
@bowekurowski5320 3 місяці тому
@@melbee4848 Glad it helped a little! I'm the kind of guy that believe people are gonna do what they're gonna do. I don't own her and she doesn't own me... but we do owe each other honesty if we're deciding to be in an intimate relationship. At least we know what we're working with at that point, and can make appropriate decisions or redefine the relationship, rather than setting up a win/loss relationship. Wishing you all the best, but it sounds like you're already very secure in yourself which is a great place to be! Kudos to you!
@defaultgraycat
@defaultgraycat 3 місяці тому
That's a lot of words just to say you're a cuck.
@zeromailss
@zeromailss 8 років тому
"Today monogamy is one person at a time" this will be my quote of the week sigh.... so true,call me old fashioned but I think this is kinda awful
@zeromailss
@zeromailss 8 років тому
***** I feel you My friend going out and in like it was nothing,change every so often when they dont get the 'feel' anymore , I was like,whut? I feel so out of place, there was a time when a certain someone ask me out but I decline,not because I dont like him but because he have so many ex,and doesn't seems ,you know 'serious' when he ask me, but then he was like "heh,but you dont have anyone you like right? So why not going out with me for now?" Relationship feels like a game these days Nah,might be just me overthinking it
@pipersmitty87
@pipersmitty87 8 років тому
Its an opinion of someone who succumbed to failure and has logically justified it
@TheUKNutter
@TheUKNutter 8 років тому
+Yukino Takada 雪乃 鷹だ And 'then' you have the people that decline when being asked out because they've never been in a relationship before.
@zeromailss
@zeromailss 8 років тому
TheUKNutter each their own I guess
@TheUKNutter
@TheUKNutter 8 років тому
+Yukino Takada 雪乃 鷹だ No it's true, see it for yourself
@MissHannah2036
@MissHannah2036 5 років тому
Some people cheat, using it as a stepping stone out of the relationship rather than being open, honest and brave enough to say they’re not happy in the relationship, that things are irreconcilable
@jblove2322
@jblove2322 5 років тому
Part of the responsibility of being married is discussing when you are falling out of love. People tend to keep that to themselves, try to fix it on their own and then leave when it fails. But a relationship is a team sport, both partners have to work on the problems together.
@MissHannah2036
@MissHannah2036 5 років тому
an acquaintance's husband did this....he didn't want counselling, he didn't even want to try. He was already seeing someone from the gym, the wife was blind sided she had no idea there was a problem in the marriage. People need to grow some balls and be honest with themselves. Three kids involved as well.
@SDG-pm8pn
@SDG-pm8pn 5 років тому
@@MissHannah2036 So sorry for your friend.
@SweetGirl-xd1oc
@SweetGirl-xd1oc 5 років тому
Husband cheated yet wondered why im not the same person i was before...it will never be the same even if we forgave
@sheriefkhandalwai9347
@sheriefkhandalwai9347 5 років тому
MissHannah2036 Cheating does not mean that you are unhappy
@wl4006
@wl4006 2 місяці тому
Incredible delivery. So many perspectives Esther has spoken about that we could think about and learn from. Completely unjudgemental and very relatable. Thank you Esther for sharing such powerful insights. Always quick to blame, as victim of affair, than to reflect and ponder the fundamentals/ meaning of the supposed affair.
@leopren
@leopren 2 місяці тому
nahhh, this is just mental gimnastics to justify being a a**hole
@BlueSkyHypnosis
@BlueSkyHypnosis 5 місяців тому
Crisis = Opportunity. Esther is so helpful in explaining how after infidelity, the old relationship is over. Either the partners split or they begin a new relationship by healing the wounds created by the affair which can ultimately be better than the old relationship.
@baronhelmut2701
@baronhelmut2701 2 місяці тому
There is no new relationship. And there should never be. A person who cheats never had enough brain matter to stay interested eventhough things arent novel and forbidden anymore.
@BlueSkyHypnosis
@BlueSkyHypnosis 2 місяці тому
Well certainly for you this is a no go under any circumstances. There are others however who've been able to use the infidelity as a catalyst for personal and couple change and growth. Their individual lives and their relationship have actually improved as the result of the crisis.@@baronhelmut2701
@leopren
@leopren 2 місяці тому
After cheating there is no Trust, the biggest fundament of any relationship, so NEVER can be better than the old relationship.
@verajaynepalmer
@verajaynepalmer 20 днів тому
Helpful to who, cheaters? I personally don't like 💩 sandwiches.
@sabelomgaga5879
@sabelomgaga5879 2 роки тому
"What if there are certain things that even a good relarionship can never provide" Got me thinking hard!
@GininaPulcinella
@GininaPulcinella 8 років тому
This is one of the best Ted Talks I have ever seen. This woman is so intelligent, captivating, and powerful. She is perfectly rehearsed and polished. She has put together an incredible, well-thought-out, riveting speech, and she is an exceptional speaker. She absolutely commands the audience. Unlike so many speakers of Ted Talks she never stutters, stumbles, and stammers over her speech. And, unlike many Ted speakers, she is anything but boring. She is beyond eloquent and charismatic. I would watch this woman read newspaper obituaries. In short, she is brilliant. Brava, Esther Perel. Your standing ovation was exceedingly well-deserved.
@TrustinJC
@TrustinJC 8 років тому
+Ginina Pulcinella I read a few comments prior to watching the talk and thought yours was setting me up to be disappointed. But I found that 15 minutes in I was in complete agreement. By the end, however, I found that the talk was lacking a very important element. And that element has to do with spirituality. For her talk only dealt with the carnal aspect of adultery. And as she only dealt with this aspect of our dual nature (spiritual and carnal) she shows that she does not truly understand the deeper nature of an affair. Furthermore, the fact that she does not outright condemn affairs because some good sometimes appears to come out of it also shows how much she lacks in understanding human nature and the why's and the consequences of adultery. Identifying those occasions where some good seems to come from it does not erase or make up for the harm that usually follows.
@xXJackirBlackBloddXx
@xXJackirBlackBloddXx 8 років тому
+Ginina Pulcinella that does NOT mean she is intelligent, captivating? an expression, not what someone is. powerful? why, because she rehearsed it? intelligent? not at all for the reasons you describe knowledge does NOT equal intelligence. EVERY person on ted talks are intelligent in some way, you are WRONG.
@xXJackirBlackBloddXx
@xXJackirBlackBloddXx 8 років тому
+Ginina Pulcinella praising? literally your opinion, it does not make it right, and neither does peole agreeing with you
@xXJackirBlackBloddXx
@xXJackirBlackBloddXx 8 років тому
+Ginina Pulcinella yep i listened to this speech and she isnt as smart or knowledgable about the other ted speakers, you dont realise this BECAUSE she is captivating (or you're just fucking stupid)
@ryanlast4817
@ryanlast4817 8 років тому
+Ginina Pulcinella So ... your idea of a compliment is to put down another. ie: ..."unlike many TED speakers".... That hardly exhibits intelligence. Describing ..."many TED speakers" as a stutterer is patently false. Which is an exhibition of yet... more intelligence.
@Super_Virgin
@Super_Virgin 7 місяців тому
I’m an attractive man, and I have no desire whatsoever to cheat. I love the sanctity of two people, holding enjoying indulging in the sacred monogamous bond between them.
@tamarbatyah7
@tamarbatyah7 3 місяці тому
🏆
@pauladoyle9355
@pauladoyle9355 Рік тому
Excellent!! An affair comes about as a “perfect storm”. occurring when you least expect it. We have the power to refuse and make our own decisions for our life journey.
@GurraGo
@GurraGo Рік тому
12:30 "It isn't so much that we are looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self." Wow - strong words! Very accurate.
@ENFPerspectives
@ENFPerspectives Рік тому
Which you can find practicing self improvement and without an affair
@christinaleesarson3041
@christinaleesarson3041 Рік тому
Right on. I caught my ex husband looking for another self. I thought it was a great idea, so I started looking for another him too! But at least I had the grace to get a divorce first. Byeeeeeeee!
@-jq8gt
@-jq8gt Рік тому
@@sergiu.leustean Harder said than done? Well then guess what? You're not ready for a relationship. So don't get into a relationship until you've sorted yourself out.
@-jq8gt
@-jq8gt Рік тому
@@sergiu.leustean "When you try to change yourself being in a relationship comments like "This is not you" / "Why are you fake now" etc will pop from the other person, which will make it very frustrating for the person who wants to change / live different even if they consider to do that what the current partner. A relationship of "A person" with a specific individual will establish some stronger patterns of behaviour and some weaker patterns of behaviour compared with a relationship with another person which has different type of personality and which, through the new created dynamic with her/him, the "A person" will adapt / manifest different types of traits." This is utter gibberish. When you've got the English language sorted out, come back for a polite chat.
@LH62579
@LH62579 Рік тому
​@@sergiu.leustean But can't you just discover yourself and change yourself by making new friends then? Or trying new activities with your partner. Travel to different places, experience different things, meet different people, read different books, listen to different perspectives. There's numerous ways to practice self improvement and change. It doesn't have to be within the context of an affair.
@glittermeaway
@glittermeaway 4 роки тому
“Infidelity shatters the grand ambition of love” 👏🏻
@kbanghart
@kbanghart 4 роки тому
Not really
@michaela3891
@michaela3891 3 роки тому
That’s your takeaway... haha
@sophiawilson1934
@sophiawilson1934 3 роки тому
Darinadler1 on Instagram carries out phone data retrieval passcode and password surveillance on infidelity
@pmarreck
@pmarreck Рік тому
Great talk. As with many things that are very emotional, it’s difficult to discuss rationally. There are as many people who have lucked into fully satisfying relationships who feel free to judge others who stray from imperfect ones, as there are people who never thought they would and yet get hit by the lightning of passion one day and cannot reconcile their values with their behavior. Is “helpless nearly irresistible passion” a thing? We both hope for this and fear that it’s true, don’t we? The majority of us perhaps haven’t experienced it. We know that nigh-irresistible hunger and thirst are things, so what of the starving heart (or loins, or imagination)? Love to all. ❤
@roxanneread2837
@roxanneread2837 Рік тому
I struggle with this wanderlust concept when my partner tells me it's okay that he flirts with girls infront of me, and then tells me my jealousy is my own issue. I never know if I really am reacting badly or if he is manipulating me. I understand the need for connection being the reason some people are unfaithful, I just wish both parties would be self aware enough to understand that
@nessmess500
@nessmess500 Рік тому
It sounds like he's minimizing and neglecting your own emotional needs
@Impostor82
@Impostor82 Рік тому
Flirting in front of you is wrong, disrespectful.
@wanderinggeri8477
@wanderinggeri8477 Рік тому
Its a trait of Narcissism. The blaming of you for it is likely Malignant Narc’. Does he show any other behaviors that would fall under this label?
@zesvyaayvesez2849
@zesvyaayvesez2849 Рік тому
Some people are naturally flirty. HOWEVER, him saying that this is a YOU problem without discussing it with you or taking your feelings into consideration is at best very selfish, at worst extremely manipulative, and definitely toxic-
@moniques2316
@moniques2316 Рік тому
I wasted 16 years "wishing" my ex husband did things differently and wanted him to understand how his actions made me feel. He never did. Life is short. Find a partner that respects you and doesn't turn things around and make you question yourself. You will thank your future self. Hugs.
@obsoleteprofessor2034
@obsoleteprofessor2034 6 років тому
I have cheated and have been cheated on. Let me tell you.. you can see it in the eyes. Even after reconciliation it's still there.. the loss of trust. Save yourselves continued grief.. kiss and walk away.
@mikewoodson6930
@mikewoodson6930 5 років тому
obsolete professor agreed. It will be thrown in your face. I’ve been on both ends.
@kbanghart
@kbanghart 5 років тому
I dunno, we're still going after 20 years, so...
@mikewoodson6930
@mikewoodson6930 5 років тому
Plen122 never thrown in your face during argument? I’m happy for you, definitely doing something right. Here’s to 20 more.
@yyyyyy427
@yyyyyy427 5 років тому
Não I've been cheated on by my boyfriend of 4years and I legit think I've got ptsd from it... He told me about it but I could feel something was wrong, I knew something wasn't right so I pressured him and he told me what he had done. Now, after 2years I still can't rest. I have nightmares about it, when he says he's gotta tell me something and to not be mad my heart Immediately starts to race and I start to sweat like crazy.. I feel bad at the same time because I cannot seem to forget, it just scared me forever
@rose4490
@rose4490 5 років тому
@@yyyyyy427 if a man cheats on me my love for him dies.
@margovalencia10
@margovalencia10 2 роки тому
The love for yourself has to be stronger then the desire to be loved by someone else . Make sure your showing up for you first 🥇
@zufex2029
@zufex2029 2 роки тому
In other words: Don't care about your partner, just cheat if you feel like it.
@peaknonsense2041
@peaknonsense2041 2 роки тому
Showing up for you first makes love for another impossible. Love is not an emotion. It's an action; sacrifice of self interest to another. Self love is new age woo woo speak for narcissism.
@peaknonsense2041
@peaknonsense2041 2 роки тому
@@zufex2029 Pretty much. Self love is just narcissism under different terminology. Love isn't a feeling. It's an action. There can be no love where there is no sacrifice. All these faux spiritualists give ridiculous advice.
@margovalencia10
@margovalencia10 2 роки тому
@@peaknonsense2041 what good are u for someone if you can't even be good for yourself ?
@margovalencia10
@margovalencia10 2 роки тому
@@peaknonsense2041 love is a thought then a feeling then a action . Trinity is a real thing
@brenda4437
@brenda4437 Рік тому
One day started in a casual conversation. When it goes farther the truth should be told. No one wants to feel like a choice or a burden because of obligation.
@Blablablarandomguy
@Blablablarandomguy Місяць тому
I have never been cheated on but I am absolutely paranoid of it to the point of wanting to avoid relationships so I can avoid the pain of potential infidelity. So this healed me. To take the perspective of growth, as well as to realize that it's about them and their needs, not just about me and my worth as a partner / lover.
@samanthacrump1976
@samanthacrump1976 Рік тому
I have never stayed in a relationship where there was infidelity because it always comes with lies, money, loss with child. I have never stood for it and I have never cared what the excuse. I have never regretted leaving a cheater.
@combitech8169
@combitech8169 Рік тому
U did , tell the truth 🤪
@charam4883
@charam4883 Рік тому
i stayed for a li'l while thinking things will change but no, the infidelity just continued and flourished even more .. thank God i finally had the courage to leave .. been divorced for a year now and embracing peace
@samanthacrump1976
@samanthacrump1976 Рік тому
@@combitech8169 I wasn’t the one cheating and lying.
@janetcampbell9286
@janetcampbell9286 Рік тому
@p a, So she doesn't care if you risk your own life & health for prositutes? If you still love her, why not insist that she goes with you for couples' marriage counceling? If you still love her, & she won't go for couples' counseling then you need to ask yourself how long are you willing to stay. I think that your wife has never understood that physical sexuality & intimacy go together when they are good & healthy. Sexual intercouse without true intemacy is empty & grows cold & empty. I wish you the best & she can't be happy either.
@pamelarangel7104
@pamelarangel7104 Рік тому
@p a That's so sad!! 😔
@adelinesimmons8152
@adelinesimmons8152 Рік тому
Faithfulness and loyalty is the Greatest Gift in relationships
@antoniomoyal
@antoniomoyal Рік тому
Because it gives the other absolute value. And we were mad to love and be loved.
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