"Narcissist use words to impress and manipulate , never to communicate"

The narcissist holds your dreams hostage.

I noticed when he talked about his exes, there was no awareness of their individuality. He would talk about their appearance, their status, their bodies, how much they were into him. There was no appreciation for their personalities. A huge red flag.

It was only a ten month relationship and it is still unfathomable to me the amount of damage done in such a short period of time. Even after therapy I don’t think I’ll ever be the same. I don’t hate him, I don’t care what happens to him anymore. What I do hate is how he changed me. I don’t think I’ll ever trust a man again and that just sucks, because I know what love is supposed to feel like. I had that with my late husband and it was wonderful. I wish I had never started dating again after my husband died. I should have been happy with having true love at least once in my life. Some people never get it. It’s all good and I’m moving on. I’ve sold my house, my furniture, everything. I leave for France in 15 days. I’m not a victim, I’m just going to do what makes me happy.

The trauma bond killed my soul. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and have to attend therapy. The only way to heal is no contract and time.

I’m laying on my bed openly sobbing. This was everything that I have lived. Sam is correct. He should have just put me out of my misery. I am forever broken. 19 years. 8 sexless years only to be thrown away. I hate him. I hate myself for having allowed all his disgusting devaluation. I am grieving for who I was and not knowing who I am now.

“A gimmick by a demented clown”. Sums it up perfectly.

It become an addiction. Its like a drug. You feel lost. Left in the dark. Questioning if there is wrong with you. Everyday you feel this pain inside you and feels like it's never go away. You being controlled by the idea of him.

You really are never the same. You are right, nobody understands when you try to explain. It forces you to see people in ways you never dreamed of because you can't believe anybody can be so empty, so callous, uncaring, so dismissive of another human being. It also forced me to consider how I had ended up with somebody like this. The answer: my family background and my own trauma experiences. That relationship took more from me than my love for him. But one thing I did gain was my self respect. Somehow, I held on to my sense of worth, although negative thoughts do sometimes creep back in. I am now hypervigilant and untrusting of others and myself (are my judgments of others really that bad? Am I just too naive?). It is a truly heartwrenching and soul destroying experience to go through.

"There's nobody there to appreciate your absence... And there was nobody there to appreciate your presence." Oof. The painful truth of it right there.

The most difficult break up to get over ever! Harder than my divorce. The relationship could only be described as groundhog day with a mask... Alternately a sophisticated man, then a goofy child. No explanations that made any sense, a pathological fear of his being 'used', serious attachment to money and objects. I seemed to be just a extension of him, just one of a long line of women

Most accurate explanation of this horrific experience I’ve ever heard. The greatest pain of all

22:20 he wouldn't let you love him. That's the most painful thing . And his love is utterly conditional on the service or performance you provide

This one hit home Sam. Especially the lack of empathy and compassion when you need them the most “there’s nobody there for you”.

It's one of the saddest videos I've ever seen, but thanks for helping me drain my sorrows

living with them is like knowing a neighbor next door. You see them on a regular basis but you really don't know them. you may know their name , where they work their favorite restaurant and so on but there is no connection.

The contempt gets greater and greater... they hate us so much!

Omg this is the narcissistic I've been involved with. 🥺🥺🥺😞. Nope. I can't. He won't ruin my life because his is ruined. He's gone. Goodbye!!

One of the best descriptions of the trauma ,destruction ,and misery with a sadistic robot I divorced

He doesn't remember you .... This hit me hard. We were married 28 years..and he forgot, almost every day..how I liked my coffee..or if I salted my cucumbers..or anything I wore..etc..etc. It was heartbreaking. It was like I never existed the day before..unless he was mad at me..and then he remembered every word I said. Thank you Sam.

You wouldn't believe this unless you been through it personally and don't even bother to explain to others. See it as one of life's best life lessons. You will change for the better.

Absolutely traumatizing.

As soon as I set boundaries he left.. I’m not dropping them, the only reason he was with me was due to me not having any and him being able to derive such negative supply from hurting me after breaking every promise he ever made. The proverbial dangling carrot. His Mother abandoned him when he was 6. He will not discuss it or face the fact he’s treating me the way she treated him.

This is mind blowing, as if Prof Vaknin was sitting through my marriage and watching me cry , our fights, my despair, his lack of mercy... Hundreds of pounds of therapy and only he understand what I have experienced.

I was addicted to hope. They will never give you what you need or deserve.

The most thorough explanation I’ve ever heard.

I wish we could talk more about the mourning periods when you know it’s actually over. I’m mourning the version of him I knew because somehow, I’ve convinced myself it was a real version of him. I’m mourning the friend I thought I knew for so long. He’d do the meanest things and just so easily be able to say “this is just how I am.” I hated wishing he would be different. I hated being shown early that there was potential for difference, bc then I expected that same treatment and it drove me mad trying to get back to that sweet spot. Leaving him alone for weeks to months… thinking all he needed was more space. More this more that. Then, he’d finally love me. Nothing I did was ever enough, but deep in my heart I miss my friend. My imaginary friend. Fuck that sounds so sad. I send his inner child love as much as I can. Every day. I’ve been through enough to understand that sometimes people say they love you, and then hurt you irrevocably. I’ve forgiven him, I wish I could forget. With time it does get easier to be without them. But I almost miss the familiar sting of his disappearing acts. I miss believing I have to earn love. It gave me something to fight for. A goal. It’s always been how I’ve experienced love; conditionally like an exchange. Now that I’m seeing a healthy person who doesn’t make me jump through hoops, the adrenaline junkie in my nervous system sometimes wants to run back to danger. But I don’t. I know I’m better off without this in my life. I just wish I didn’t have to be.

Sam no one could explain my experience better than you, I have experienced every word you have just said. I can tick every box and now I am trying to find me again, thank you for all your videos, I have followed your advise and it really helped me thus far.

This experience has been a living nightmare for 5 years and now in the discard phase because I’ve outlived my worth and he’s moved onto the new supply. God help us all learn to how to spot these clowns to never endure this pain again.

That look when they just dont get it... when you deal with a narcissist you have to be the most selfish person ever. Otherwise you're sure to lose yourself.

This reminded me so much of a documentary I'd watched on Henry Fonda. His wife's psychiatrist had told her and the family that he was a narcissist. His wife would walk around in the nude to try get his attention. He enjoyed not giving it. She eventually committed suicide.

I am married to a narcissist. What are his redeeming qualities I love. The way he treats me worse than anyone. The way he ignores me when I speak? The way he lies about everything and everything. The way he ignores my birthday, holidays and anything that is important to me. Why at do I love about my narcissistic husband. I DON'T. It took a long time to realize what I was dealing with.

The thing is, that no one will ever Understand what you have been through.No one! The pain is so overwhelming, only people who had been abused by narcissist can relate to this. Just broke up with my narcissistic woman, I fought 5 Years for her, but now i will face the biggest fight in my life to recover from this massive abuse. If I succeed, i will be the strongest person on earth. God bless all your wounded soul's

I’m so tired of being unappreciated . But it’s turned like a drug . I’m addicted to whatever little she wants to give me . I’m sick . How did I allow myself to get this far into it. It’s not even her problem I know it’s me not having the self love required to walk away with a hopeful mindset for a better future for myself .

Suffered 20years of narcissistic abuse. It taught me how to be involved but emotionally detached. It elevated me to a higher level of consciousness.It's strange,I am grateful for this lesson and feel sorry for the abuser.

totally 100% right , a perpetual agony and they hate when you radiate happy because is only their right to be happy

Here is the real story (from experience): Because you are mirrored, you fall in love with yourself. You like it. It takes you to the highest of highs. You are addicted to it. Then your narc takes away the mirror and shows you her authentic self so suddenly, and you don't have what to do with the high amount of dopamine your brain has created from the highs. You develop withdrawal symptoms. Since you don't know what is happening, you go cold turkey. Your high libido, anxiety, difficulty sleeping, increased energy, mania, and stress overwhelm you. Your narc can't help you feel better at this stage. Start with a visit to the doctor and get some effective sleep meds to help regulate your high dopamine levels. Guess what? People with NPD are said to have high levels of dopamine always.

"What should have been Paradise was Hell on Earth" is exactly what it is. Finally breaking the trauma bonds and leaving after 29 years. Thank you so much for the best explanation of the depths of despair and unrelenting pain and confusion that consumes us, the broken ones that fell in love with a charming illusion fueled by deep insecurities and his hatred towards his mother. Thank God I finally woke up! 🙏🦋❤

This is so damn true , nobody understands what you are going through , even yourself , thankyou 🙏 for explaining all of this

Who exactly is he if there’s “nobody home”? I find that very touching, insightful and disturbing.

Yes to every word. After 2 1/2 years of HELL, he skipped off happily, got married and had children. I'm still trying to pick up the pieces of what used to a full, rich life.

No kindness, no empathy, no warmth, no understanding, no validation, not been seen, not been recognised as the beautiful human being you are! His loss! His lack of affection and compassion is soo apparent. Maybe i feel it even more because i am highly sensitive. Thank you for this video. All i was was a means to fulfill his base desires. He lived to play on my weaknesses and breaking my boundaries. He loves making me weak, confused, traumatised. A decade of this nonsense.all it shows me is that i have a whole lot of work to do on myself.

This is the most accurate and relatable video you have made so far, I finally hear the answers he could never give me

The relationship I had with my narcissist was definitely an emotional roller coaster. But now I actually have comfort in knowing that his behavior is more than likely a pattern. I"m pretty sure that I'm not the only person he has done wrong. You have no idea how your videos have helped me to heal. Thank you so much!

Thank you Sam 🙏 💛 The accuracy of the description is as precise as a surgical knife. It is also very poetic. Listening to you always feels like reading a classical book, or watching a quality movie. Understanding how things work does help to navigate out of confusion by understanding the mind processes of the narcissist. I know now very strongly what I don't want in my new relationship- to feel unloved. My relationship with the narcissist helped me to define exactly what I don't want, or need. Empathy is prerequisite #1. Knowing that narcissists are esentially black holes helps to cope, or be less angry. There is nothing to be angry at. After the narcissist one thing that is hard to adjust to is the lightness of being. No more questions, doubts, or feeling unloved. I reside in love and my roots will go stronger. Goodbye my old self that allowed self neglect. I will not attempt to help anybody by breaking, or injuring my own self. The experience with the narcissist taught me to be more attuned to my own needs, it taught me to never ignore the red flags, or my intuition. I am more experienced and more equipped and with an infinite capacity to love. 😎💓✌️

Is it safe to say that once he sees that you actually see what he is..in your eyes...that is the end.

It's the flowers falling right at rejected 23:23

This so accurately describes my experience . Every word....

I never resonated so much.. this describes my relationship 100%.

Can't stop crying 😢

This video is INCREDIBLE! Really encapsulates so much of the experience of being with a narcissist. Thank you Sam 🙏🏻❤️

Ouch!!! I was wondering why I couldn't cry after realizing what I've been involved in for 17 years. Well Sam, this video did it. Ok, it wasn't crying it was WAILING, during this I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize the reflection.. I can best describe it as the release was from the depths of my soul...something lifted for how long I don't know

I’m going thru the pain right now ! One need to be strong to stay away and keep away from the narcissist ! Occupy your mind with thing you love and surround yourself with your love ones …

Wow, so horrific. I were not aware I were in that toxic relationship, i did not know that's abuse. I just felt something wrong, even within the first 1~2 months of dating him. I once messaged him, "have you ever missed me as a person", when he said, he missed me. I also told him, when I was not with him, I felt this disconnection. Seems sex is the only connection I had with him. Finally I figured out everything, 2 months after the abrupt discard. But that did not make me feel better or relieved. Too much memories for a normal human being, but he totally forgot it, everything. It is a shock.

I said to him many times he doesn't even remember our first year. Because he didn't! He thought i was in a story he'd tell when it was his ex. Always confused me with her. Add bad alcoholism with this there were huge memory gaps. Felt like I lived that first year by myself.

I'm finally free of him after 34 years which ended in him beating me black and blue after falsely accusing me of speaking bad of his dead mother who he hated, he allowed her to have a paupers burial - he didn't contribute a penny towards her departure. This also after marrying him three times. I've know him since we were 11 and married for the first time aged 21, I'm now 55.. My suicidal thoughts have disappeared since I've gone no contact. We have three sons and a six month old grandson. I'm now living pay cheque to pay cheque in a studio flat 100 miles away from my family - my boys don't know where I live for fear he pressures them to find me. It's tough, i fall apart every night but I'm happy - I'm free at last - "there's no experience as pulverizing as this" Sam, 100% on point.

It is absolutely amazing how accurate is the description of a victim's feelings, it is like Prof. Sam Vaknin has experience himself such emotions. He give us words to express ourselves...thank you so much!!!

I’m in such pain today. But the thought of me being nothing but an enzyme made me laugh 🤣😅. And that helped. Thank you for acknowledging the pain one goes through when one is in it. Humour helps to catapult me out of it.

Thank you for this. I watched it and felt shame. Actively trying not to feel shame... but trying to honour any guilt. I felt bad for my wife. It's what she feels with me. I'm the N. So I checked in with my kids who were playing. Did not check in on my wife (at work). I just started making a sandwich to eat... to feel better. I stopped that once I realized and wrote this comment. Im just a junkie for protection against shame. And a junkie for shame. A junkie for staying in my comfort zone... I ironically call "staying true to myself"... it's actually staying false. Eating a sandwich relieves pain...it fades away and I'm back to nothingness. And she's still alone and uncared for. Eating a sandwich right now is the place of neglect. Everything I do or don't do is a response to her, to the relationship. It informs and forms it. I notice now that I'm speaking in a detached 3rd person. I really am pathetic. I am just trying to be present with my coping mechanisms... it can be done and I'm not dead from doing it. It's going to be okay. Maybe it will be better. I'm going to check in with my wife now. Not only that, i need need need to try to repair this and it cant be for just me. Other-focused. I think you've spelled out the horror of her existence with me. It makes me appear very pathetic, selfish and empty. If i send her this video, she will resonate 💯. I'm afraid of that. Is there any belief in my potential trial left in her? Thanks for the video.

By far, The best video that describes how the narcissist acts in discard phase and how the victim feels. Thank you, Prof. Sam Vaknin.

Yes. This pain changed me.

Took me 33+ years to set and hold boundaries after I finally realized there is no possibility of a healthy relationship. Healing hurts, but putting ourselves together is so worth it

My experience for 37 years....makes me cry! But better to understand what is really happening than to be endlessly baffled and in complete despair!

Authoritarians are narcissistics. I pray for America’s future

Three word......Im in tears

Yes, this sweet nothingness! He looked like a sweet innocent boy when he slept. The only time it was peaceful was when he was sleep or during sex.

It's breathtaking how accurately you've described what I'm going through. It's a validation for me which helps me so much. Thank you, thank you.

absolutly brilliant ! I have seen my last 7 years in 30mn ! wow Thank you Sam for the clarity. This is so valuable

To think, after 36 years of being with someone and realize they are not human is so heart breaking! It would be the craziest thing had I not lived it!

I learned now that i’m a “child” with the “ cluster B” . I had to much stress to grow up in a healthy way. I lived in a monastery for years and foster family’s. That was then… I have to protect the injured child - in me, so i will not be vulnerable to symbiotic relations with toxic behaviour. I can’t change my past, but with the awareness i will change me; to not become the “child” that’s anableling misconduct. It takes two to tango… Healing starts with recognizing your own dysfunctional patterns. Who were helpful to "survive" and overcome the incomprehensible as a wall. later that wall becomes your enemy because you haven't learned to look behind it. A blind wall that you want to break down with the "cluster B" While he uses the stones to injure you, On each stone is pain that you must rearrange with attention, to heal your childhood. So that it is not an emotional prison, but a healthy boundary.

It’s crazy how you get into all the nuances of what I’ve experienced… I really helps to have all of my feelings put into words like this. Thank you! Even while coming far with having boundaries and caring for myself more, I still feel so sorry for him and I still feel the urge to hug and hold him so he can feel safe to be vulnerable and safe to finally let go of the mask. I know it’s not possible but it is hard to accept. There could be such a wonderful man but instead it’s just a restless and detached mask.

Explained with pin point accuracy

whenever Sam Vaknin says 'the narcissist' I insert the name of my lying cheating deceiving ex and every single word describes him to the t.

At the end of Your dramatic presentation of this critical information, I burst into tears. Having my experience with 3 narcissists recognized, revealed and explained is devastating and healing simultaneously. With deep respect & admiration.

But when you do the same things back to the narcissist, they can't handle it and the little hoovering child comes out.

Professor, you are "the dictionary" to those who don't know how to verblize their inner "extraterrestrial" pain. I am touching your feet 🙇‍♂️ as a tiniest form of heartily respect to you. Thank you. May 'the science/data' keep you healthy and your twisted sense of humor intact.

Mr. Vaknin. A lot of what you say is truth. I felt that horrible feeling during the devaluation phase, and soon after the discard. But, there is another efect, maybe for another lecture: the relief. After the discard I felt so relief, so free, so master of my life again, of my time again, of my money again, if the air I breath! Maybe it depends on the person, or I was not so much in love. And it is not a denial reaction, trust me.

I cried watching this

This is the best video I have ever seem. It is like you have just described every moment I spent with him. He destroyed me... but knowledge is power! You help so many make sense of the most painful experience of their lives. Thank you... Thanks to you I know I wasn't crazy and I know it wasn't my fault and the relief that brings is immeasurable 😊

BY FAR THIS IS THE MOST REAL AND RAW EXPLANATION OF THE HAUNTING OF MY LIFE .. THANK YOU FOR CONFIRMING MY LIFE'S LONG SUFFERING .. ALWAYS .. B .. X 💙💎💙💦

After reading your book, my eyes were opened. To my shock, you described my husband when I wasn't looking to find out info on him , but on my niece! I couldn't believe what I was reading. How codependent I was and the worst Empath on the planet! The most devastating realization was to see that I was NEVER loved . My marriage was a waste of of over 45 years. I was oblivious to any of his symptoms. I was brainwashed.... a Stepford Wife . Your book , by accident, opened my eyes to the lie I was living. Now at my age, I am constantly on guard, setting boundaries and hoping to continue to become more independent. I am glad to tell you that your book showed me the light. I'm very sad though.

Dear Sam,Every word You said is My Story.Every word You said I can seal with my tears.You make incredible work and You help me lot to understand my relation with My Narcisst.After couple years I finnaly was able to be in" no contact"...but it still hurts so much and I still cry sometimes...I hope this pain will go away some day.Thank You Sam...without You probably I wouldn' t be able to go forward...now I try and I hope to be able to trust myself again.

Beautifully explained. Genius!

I will most definitely trust myself and this experience is merely a reminder to love ourselves first and to demand that same kind of love in return.

Excellent explanation. Some of your best work in my humble opinion. Thank you.

Fascinating podcast. Unfortunately, this is the cruel truth - There's no one there:(

God let Whatever Happen To The Narcissist Happen. It’s A Dramatic Experience!!. But You Can Recover. Not Like The Narc. There’s No Change!!. Forever The Child. The Games Will Never End, Just. Repeat!!.

Brought me to tears. I definitely changed my view on love with this experience with a narc...not "My" narc.

I am incredibly grateful to you for this information. And I couldn’t understand what was happening to the person, well, you opened my eyes, thank you!

This hit home. I’m still trying to wrap my head around hearing you describe my experience and fully believe it was all fake. It hurts so bad to believe that but there’s no denying it now. Sam, your a narcissist yet you explain this without defensiveness. How?

This has been my life for almost 8 years.

Nooo one could explain my experience better than you

So incredibly true. Thank you Dr Vaknin. 10 years of this.

Exactly what she did to me. This is gender independent relational psychology.

OMG! This is such an accurate description of what happened to me in my relationship with the narcissist. Straight every word to the goal.

If anyone ever questioned whether they were in a relationship with a person with NPD, this will help confirm it. So glad I went no contact: off with the king’s head. took that crown and put it on me. #selflove

God Sam! Some of the things that you were saying literally took my breath a way. You hit the nail on the head. I just replace she when you say he. Thank you for this. This video is the best way I could explain what happened to me. You explain it way better than I can.

An ever receding mirage...nothing describes a narcissist better...a person who presents a fake self that is nothing at all like who is really there....the mirage keeps moving further and further away and you keep chasing it...until you realize it is just a mirage...and you finally realize it is time to wake up and get back to real life.

Can I ever trust myself again? After 46 years of marriage to covert narcissist, I want to escape but I feel broken. Feeling grateful for this presentation, because it sums up accurately my experiences and sheds the light on the frightening rage my husband displayed toward our son, while adoring our daughter in the same time. Thank you, Prof. Sam Vaknin. It is great to get finally, educated, but I need to take action soon… don’t want to die as a victim or an narcissistic abuse, but rather as a survivor of such. I am terrified that my time spent with him robbed me if my identity…

Thank you Sam, this is all very articulately explained and the detail is brilliantly useful when validating this experience, but there is more that happens to you, and some of it is wonderful, eventually. Because a narcissist is so good at withholding any kind of attention when they have finished with you, you must take a leaf from their book and find another supply of the validation they gave you, and quickly. This could be through work, a project, art, sport, pampering, but it must be of your own doing. This is what my narcissist taught me. He didn’t replace me with another person, he replaced me with books and an electric guitar amongst other possessions and pastimes. He was a master at finding new passions. A self awareness of what you are doing is important as it can feel as though you have become as superficial as them, but give yourself a break. Use this time to be extremely motivated in doing all that you need to feel brilliant about yourself again. Indulge, treat yourself, do all the things the narcissist hated. Aggressively march towards the you you have suppressed. And whilst doing this open your eyes to a new way of seeing the world. Suddenly all interactions are transparent; every little power play apparent, and people are easy to read. You’ve been on a terrible journey, realised that love sometimes is blind. But if you’re here listening to Sam, you won’t be blind again - that was the last time, and when all you have left for the narcissist (who could have ruined you, but clearly didn’t) is pity, the world really is a safer place to navigate. You have insight, you are wise, you appreciate authenticity, compassion and loyalty like never before. You’re ready to do some real good, and with real resilience. This won’t break you when you finally understand and accept what happened; this new you is awake.