If lying about airplane mode keeps the guy sitting next to me from yapping to his proctologist the entire flight... I support the airlines on this one...

Airplane mode was the last defence against incredibly self-centered people who don‘t think about the people sitting around them.

One must never fart in an Apple computer store. They don't have Windows.

Airplane mode is just "everyone shut the hell up and let me get some quiet" mode.

Colbert is the king of classic late night. He's skilled and dedicated, and it seems like his team is, too. His band is fantastic, especially. The audio for the outro is surprisingly high quality, and it's great that it's unique every time (cause it's live), keeps it fresh while maintaining a tradition.

I like how you brought the segment full circle with the last joke. Good "dismount!" 😉

Jokes aside, the FAA has regulated the statistically safest way to travel for decades. My utmost respect for the work they do. Outlier tragedies happen and are deplorable. It boggles my mind the complexity and inginuity required to safely get hundreds of thousands of pounds of travelers and cargo flying at hundreds of miles per hour with sucha great track record

That silver tongue gets me everytime. His writers must have a blast with that one.

The lack of love for the "got off at the same stop" joke is criminal. Best of the segment.

'Chizza' is the sound your heart will make as it immediately shuts down.

I always put my phone in airplane mode because it saves battery. Having cell and wifi on without actual cellular signal means your phone will just keep scanning for signals and burning battery.

Luis Cato is amazing. I love it when he laughs at Stephen and strums his guitar at jokes. Best and in the business and we at home don’t get to hear enough.

I suspect Catholics would have been more approving of the man on top of the train if he’d been eating beaver.

Not sure that the Vatican would be onboard with my version of 'eating beaver for Lent'.

I think the FAA has made no secret of the fact that modern mobile phones don't interfere with any of the spectra that airplanes operate on. That said, you should still probably put your phone in airplane mode on a flight. Not for safety reasons, but because if you don't, you'll drain your battery very fast, as your phone tries fruitlessly to connect to new towers, but can't because you're moving too quickly.

Funnily enough, beavers were considered fish by the Catholic Church during the Middle Ages, and so were lent approved for quite a while. It’s kind of fun seeing the church go back to the same old loopholes

Most phones can't connect to a tower above 10k feet, and large planes tend to cruise at least double or triple that. The only reason I've used 'airplane' mode was to save battery life.

The colonel decided he’d had enough of Dominoes putting chicken on crappy pizzas. He decided it was time to put crappy pizza onto chicken.

It's literally chicken Parmesan with pepperoni.... Stop it!! 😂

I hope KFC paid handsomely to have the Ed Sullivan audience groan loudly at someone eating their latest commercial offering.

The coolest thing about the stingray is that there are three chances: parthenogenisis, her holding onto "material" from her last partner for 8+ years, or that some sharks and rays are close enough to reproduce. The scientists won't really know till she gives birth and they can see the offspring

I fondly remember Toby’s rant in the pilot episode of the West Wing, 1999, about the fact that airplane mode was a nonsense rule. Only took 25 years.

Can someone please take really good care of Stephen, because I love him. I need this forever

"What do you mean the Catholic church owns a lot of sources of alligator, beaver, and capybara meat?"

Awesome news...Swamp Rat is back on the menu!

I appreciate the various discussions of airplane mode. I just want to make sure we keep it. It's a helpful button when my phone forgets how to use cell service and I need to send a text quicker than a restart.

I love how KFC's "aternative" ideas are all "How can we increase the fat content of our food?" First we had the double down which was cheese between two chicken breasts, but if that wasn't enough fat intake, now we have fried chicken, with cheese and pepperoni on it. We're one step away from just a deep-fried fried chicken breast.

We used to run across the tops of trains, they go pretty slow when they come out of the tunnels. The objective was to cover as many cars as you could before it went back into the tunnel. But gettin down? That's ahhh. Yeah, alright.

I'm pretty sure you won't get any reception at the flight altitude, so it's not about preventing people from making calls. It's mostly about saving your battery as your phone won't be trying to reconnect to the network with all its might for several hours.

Chizza just sounds like cheap chicken parmesan with pepperonis.

Is Stingray Jesus about to be born? That virgin stingray will be in shrines worldwide

"Chizza", also known as "someone got high and put pepperoni on top of Chicken Parmesan" 🤤 😋😂

To be fair, airplane mode does have a valid use: it'll stop your phone frantically searching for nonexistant signal at 30,000 feet up, thus saving battery life and making it so you can watch more in-flight movies.

That Charlotte Web bit w/DTF was hilarious! Also: as gross as "chizza" sounds, when he brought it out, I noticed that it had VERY little cheese and WAY too much pepperoni. This made me incredibly angry! Seriously, it did!! 🤬😂 I mean I'll never order it/eat it, BUT: don't say that something is like pizza if you've barely put any mozzarella on it!!!!!

"Swim meat". Yup, grab that bbq sauce 😅

The joke about the Catholic Church eating the neighbor's kid was so spot on😂😂😂 finally someone telling the truth😂❤

Ok, but I called parthenogenesis on the stingray back when the news first broke and somebody was insanely suggesting a shark daddy like that was possible. So where is my marine biology degree😂

We need more of the band! They're amazing

how does he flawlessly execute these meanwhile segment intros? dudes the best orator of our generation...possibly any?

One of the best “meanwhile” segments.

Can't believe Stephen didn't use the lent segment to use the below in his joke "Looks like meats back on the menu boys!"

Meanwhile is "the balm that soothes the soul!!!! " Thank you Stephen. XX

Yes, we were lied to about our cell phones interfering with the "safe operation of the aircraft". But one thing that Airplane Mode does do is ensure that all of the planes constantly flying by with hundreds of cell phones constantly scanning for the nearest cell phone tower don't overwhelm the cell phone networks

Again if there is no raccoon in the intro of Meanwhile, I feel robbed 🤣🤣🤣

getting loosey goosey with the rules is tight!

“Best case scenario”. Love it!

I've had Chicken Parm' with mozzarella, and pepperoni on top. Not common, but not unheard of. KFC has simply made a fast-food version, and marketed it to the masses.

Charlotte: you do you, girrrrrl.

I have been saying this for basically 20 years. Got a job testing electronics right out of college. One of the things we literally tested was AV electronics for back of seat screens to prove they can't interfere with the airplane. I realized then, that every single electronic we allow on the market is tested to prove it won't interfere with things like airplanes, and the stuff that goes into airplanes is just super-duper tested to an even higher standard. So what does this mean? If you have a legal device, that was legally sold in the US, that meets US guidelines (the FCC/UL etc stuff on label) and not some hack knockoff made in a shady factory in the 3rd world, you basically have no chance of messing with planes. The shady knockoffs will emit more potentially because some are not tested properly and lack proper engineering, but we have another counter measure. The electronics are also all designed not to accept unwanted outside radiation and have it affect the device, up to a certain limit. What that means is that the airplane, even with some bad actors, can handle it anyway because all the electronics in it aren't knockoffs, they meets standards, even higher standards than normal devices, and they can handle a lot of outside interference. So I realized then the only way some plane is crashing or not able communicate properly etc, is if someone has purposely brought a significantly high powered device that was designed to interfere on spectrums that are crucial to operation of the plane. I just can't imagine a scenario where you can get something powerful enough (likely on the large side) through security onto a plane that can have any meaningful affect. And if you could, well at that point you are a terrorist anyway intent to take the plane down, not so rando watching a video on his iPhone. You aren't going to hurt a plane with your phone.

Who would have thought Catholics would eat beaver...

Five signs of a pathological liar~ • constantly changing their story, being vague. • telling lies for no reason, when the truth sounds better. • never accepting blame for their own failures. • taking credit for the success of others, Stolen valor. • repeating a known lie, over and over again, then getting defensive when confronted about it.

5:27 Literally Chicken Parmigiana with pepperonis on top. What's next, a Big Mac with bacon and Krispy Kreme donuts for buns? What a unique concept that I'm sure has never existed before!

i mean, the chizza is basically a low-grade chicken parmesan with pepperoni on top.

That's just fast food chicken parm with pepperoni.

Legendary and trombone, words I never thought I’d hear.

You must really have been hungry to put that in your mouth. Good thing there were no beavers around 🤣

I bet the chizza tastes like a twisted chicken parm

I love having people NOT on their phones while on the plane!

You got me at Subway Surfer Sex! LOL 😅

To be fair Chizza is just crispy Chicken Parmesan with pepperoni. Just served up a little different.

The Charlotte's Web joke made me laugh, but for a totally different reason. There's this old show (good God, OLD? That’s means I'M old) called DRAWN TOGETHER, a Comedy Central show that was a cartoon parody of reality shows like Big Brother and it is DEFINITELY for adults and immature teens. Anyway, there's an episode where one of the animated housemates, Spanky Ham, gets into a relationship with a VERY emotionally unstable Charlotte. Soon as the joke started, that's what popped into my head. I don't know if that's good or bad😅

Air lines are correct of course. They also want people to listen to the safety announcement, and just as you say they skip it. Which is one of the top reasons when you get an emergency landing people who have been told NOT to take their luggage and handbags do exactly that, and because of it some passengers don't get off the plane in time.

I am genuinely disappointed that they missed the best place for a Jurassic Park "Life finds a way" joke

You just let that 'eating beaver' joke roll on by without contributing? 🤪

So KFC basically made fried chicken parm and added pepperoni. SMH

Very funny tonight! Eyes still watering.😂 Thanks I needed that.

Chicken Parmesan with a meat topping ... it's been done, although I prefer bacon to pepperoni

Absolutely best case scenario!

The stupid and inconvenient rule is for cell companies. It hogs bandwidth from hundreds of cell towers. You're going 400 mph, and your phone is constantly switching towers. It overwhelms them. And you'd never get a reliable connection. They're also concerned about interference with ILS.

DTF in the web had me 💀 🤣🤣🤣

Former president should be held accountable..

Let's not forget that the Catholic Church said you could eat geese at Lent, because they are fish! The official line of the Church was that barnacle geese were hatched from barnacles: shellfish. (They later decided that - yes, geese were fish - but priests had to pretend they weren't because they were a bit duck-like, and stop eating them at Lent.) Religion: just filled with wisdom, isn't it?

I had to look up 'dtf' b4 I got the Charlotte joke....I'm pretty old

That chizza was giving pregnancy cravings

Alligators are fish lol, people are crazy

No! No eating Capybaras!

The “DTF” in Charlotte’s web nearly made me spit oatmeal across the table. 😂😅😂😅

Cows stand in catel ponds to cool down during hot weather so they should be included in meats you can have

5:50 I love all the people going from cheering to gasping when they saw how gray and soggy the real thing was.

another top 10 . love it

I love In Within The Meanwhile ❤

Chizza reminds me of the dish I conceived when watching Chevy Chase in the movie Seems Like Old Times, Aurora's Pepperoni Chicken!

I should've known with the reference to Triads that it would get pretty dark. Wow, this was masterful from start to finish, and macabre!

Clever hat-trick at the end !

Everything and everyone are now officially wait for it… Legendary

lol the dtf thing got me

No wonder I kept getting a woody on the Lexington Ave. Express !! It must be the thumpa thumpa thumpa of the tracks !! 🤔

Lol@"ground water poisoning burn pit"

Best case scenario. Yup!😂🎉

/facepalm_as_a_cardiologist😅

Buy a pack of air-tight sealed meat. Dunk it in water. And hey presto, it’s okay for Lent!

Having tried the Chizza, it's actually pretty solid: Sort of a pastaless chicken parm, if that makes sense? Might be worth a quick subway rooftop bang to pick one up, if the option is available.

Guilty of never putting my phone in airplane mode 😂

5:28 Best f****** way to annoy Italians if I ever saw one

I know people balk at weird food but… Chizza looks fairly good. Seems like that stuff would go together well.

Very good meanwhile. Thank you. Bringing out the cheezza......🤣 Is there a way to measure how it shortens the time to the next heard attack?

That chicken is basically parmesan chicken lol

RIP Aaron Bushnell ❤

I was told the reason for airplane mode was because it interfered with the pilot’s radio with ATC, in particular streaming video. Not so much in the air (too far up from the towers), but more during take off and landing, when the pilots really need to talk to the tower. But that door blow out joke was great though 😂 That chizza thing looks like self induced heartburn

what a intro, i love it