I am SO excited to announce that I've launched a 4+ hour relationship skills course: psychologywithdrana.learnworlds.com/course/the-connection-course For those of you who like videos such as this one and want more, definitely check it out :)

Truthfully at this point I have no empathy for my BPD parent. I went through too much. Imagine being a child dependent on an adult who is almost always angry or falling apart. It has had a lasting effect on me and I don’t even like to think about it. Tonight is the first night I actually looked this up on UKposts because it’s not something I like to think about.

You completely described my mom (now deceased). She made my childhood a nightmare with her manipulation, emotional outbursts and abuse. From a young age, I dissociated myself from her, which caused her to latch on and lash out even more. She eventually went to therapy, which only made things worse. I grew up lacking social skills and with no friends because of the overall neglect from divorced and absent parents - and being an introvert certainly didn't help. Took me a while to catch up on these skills. I have learned a great deal from my parents about what NOT to do with my own daughter, and I am happy to say we have a very healthy, fullfilling relationship, and soon I will be celebrating my 15th wedding anniversary. I am proof that you don't have to be like your parents, if you don't want to.

"genetics loads the gun, and environment pulls the trigger." -Dr. Francis Collins the good thing is if you are self aware enough you can usually break the cycle; if you do plan on having kids or just want to be a better person.

Being raised by a bpd mom and codependent dad with a malignant narc older sister nearly destroyed my life.

Me and my twin brother grew up with and absent father and a borderline mother. Our grandmother was the person that actually raised us for a period of time. And yes, the greatest fear of being a son of someone with borderline was the sensation that we didn't know how if my mother was in the "good" or "bad" state. As a result, home = dangerous. That's why we don't talk anymore with my mother. It's sad, but we couldn't build something for us with stability.

Being hypervigilant and living in a kind of survival mode has been my solution, sadly, to my parent's issues.

I grew up with potentionaly borderline mother (never diagnosed but she meets all the criteria) and it fucked me up so good I have grown to avoid close interactions with others, if your own parent can treat you like shit, you dont trust anyone

My dad has borderline and always refuse to seek treatment, he was also raised and abandoned by a narc/absent mother. he was always looking for her approval but at the same he hates her and all the women. He was also doing drugs and drinking so he had outburst range, mood swings , he was beating my mom and my sis and I grow up in fear and don’t remember a happy event with him.. he was often in jail and miss my bdays, Xmas .. but you know what’s the worst part? Not be able to communicate your feelings because every time he gaslight you or said things like “that’s not true, I was there when you needed and I gave plenty of money to your mother”. That’s not the truth and I know he won’t admit because he knows he wasn’t a good father at all! Now I’m 30 and changed my city and run away in Japan, he always try to send me message but I try to not reply or reply because I feel guilty, I have bipolar and taking seroquel and all my traumas ruined some relationship but now I know it wasn’t my fault . I’m trying to get better and want to do therapy and instead of run away from my trauma I want to heal. Send love to all the surviving children ❤

Interesting you mentioned jealousy of the child spending time with friends or even a romantic partner once they're old enough to date but didn't once mention jealousy of the other parent, but I imagine my situation is extremely common. My mother with undiagnosed BPD (and covert narcissism too) could not handle me and my brother preferring our dad. She felt so abandoned I think.

I have BPD+BIPOLAR 2. Same as my mum. My life has always been absolute hell. It's a miracle I'm still alive. I refuse to bring children into this mess and do to them what my mum did to me. I'm in my third year of therapy and just starting to feel stable and overall better. I'll keep going until I'm in full remission. I wish my mum got treated too. At this point I know she'll never want to change or even accept it. I'm in low contact with her and I'm scared in the future I'll have to go full on no contact to preserve myself and keep healing.

I am literally crying, I’ve got my BPD from my father and I’m set on ending this awful illness for myself before having kids

You described my life with my BPD mother. I seldom knew which mother I would have to deal with, but I knew her drinking usually meant the fun, happy, drunk mom. Until she passed out, then I'd have to stub out her cigarette so she wouldn't set the couch on fire, or I'd have to clean up her vomit. Later when she started using drugs I'd have to assess if she'd done too much and needed to go to the hospital. I loved school because I could escape and be a kid from 9am to 3pm. After school it was back to being my mother's parent. I suffered from anxiety so bad I had ulcers by age six and still deal with depression to this day. I never married or had children because I felt that I raise my mother and endured enough abuse all that time. Now I'm happy to live alone with my cat and dog (who get along wonderfully) and focus on all the things I never got to do as a child.

something that's often forgotten is that untreated BPD often comes along with addiction problems, which is further damaging for the child. and addiction on the other hand raises the risk for physical violence.

This hit a little too close to home. I grew up with a dad who was a alcoholic and had/still has untreated Bpd. It’s definitely still affecting me now 😕

I've got BPD. I am fortunate that I have had Psychotherapy to address this. I grew up with a NPD mother. Your research is very accurate Ana, Thanks for highlighting this disorder I applaud you.

idk about a bpd parent, but my last relationship 2 years ago was bpd. He switched overnight and destroyed my social life. He went from the perfect partner to cruel and unstable literally overnight and the trauma I have from it still haunts me. I wish I knew how to completely heal from it but its hard to even look at other people with any sense of trust anymore

My mom is def BPD and yeah I cannot maintain stable relationships due to my schemas of innate distrust of others because I internalize a lot of self hate due to inconsistent parenting. Sucks. I see why she is wired as she is because her mother treated her similarly. She could never be good enough. I love my mom dearly but I know I cannot psychologically deal with her unstable moods let alone anyone else in my family. She wrote me a long letter on Christmas how she acknowledges she wasnt the best mother and so on. Makes no difference if she isn't in therapy and even if she was, not sure how much can really be repaired at this point. Is it mean? Yeah not really sure, but I cannot afford to get caught up in magical thinking of the fantasy of having a healthy family. Sorry for the rant, you just really put a lot into perspective for me with this video.

My sister diagnosed herself she matches it perfectly. Refuses to get help though I was her punching bag until she moved out when I was 24 what a weight was lifted. She gave me thick skin. The way she hurt me I’ve never met anyone else that could do that.

This video describes my entire childhood! Now at 21 years old, I've recognized: all the emotional outboursts and rage, the instability and the fast mood swings of my father were the result of untreated BPD. As a result, I've spend most of my life isolating myself, reading and being in nature, never wanting to have a social life, even though people were approaching me. I didn't let them in. People in my perception were just really dangerous, so I've decided to avoid them althogether. Trying to heal, but don't know where to start cause my father still tries to have contact with me, I on can't stay one second in his presence without feeling angry for all the things I had to go through as a child. It's also really interesting how many of my past friends are also diagnosed with BPD. What most people find offputting, unsafe or straight up abusive...well, for me it feels ike home. Since I have gained a lot more knowlede on Borderline Personality Disorder, my childhood suddenly makes so much sense. Does anyone know where to start the healing? Much love from Germany

Unfortunately I have a very hard time getting behind “dropping the stigma” on people with BPD. My Mother gaslighted almost the entire extended family except for my brother into thinking we (my brother and I) were emotionally abusive towards her, which had terrifying effects for my social life. While I do have very, very close friends with BPD whom I love deeply but I also often witness cases of BPD parents getting extremely violent and abusive(like publicly kicking a 6 y/o out of their house in winter with nothing but their underwear on, etc.). There are innocent people suffering under their abusers and there will never be an excuse for it, mental instability or not. It’s okay to have negative emotions, It’s okay to have a fight sometimes because you feel abandoned and it’s okay to be helped by the people around you because you can’t handle the stress your illness has given you currently. However, abusing your loved ones doesn’t make you a BPD- survivor, it makes you into a perpetrator of violence and it should be punished as that.

A lot of this resonated with me, how my mother is and how I am as a result of the traumatic childhood I had with her. But I am still confused because it's not totally the same and when I hear about narcissistic mothers/children that resonates a lot also. She had a hard childhood and was deeply traumatised and I spent most of my life just trying to make sense of the world and what happened to me, why I am so bad at functioning in society in general and especially in my relationships that are so unhealthy and heartbreaking. Only in my 30s I discovered who I am and found the courage to start trying things out that I like. To live my life like I would actually like to without guilt and shame. Now at 36 I am a totally different person but I haven't forgiven her, I understand but I have a natural aversion towards her. Like my body just knows she is not good for me. And I also sometimes can't get over the fact that I lost my youth to the deep depression I was in and I am still in mourning because the more I grow, the deeper I go in therapy the sadder the picture of this abandoned and neglected child I was becomes. I think the worst part is how lonley I have felt my entire life, it still hurts me to the core of my being and I haven't found a way to heal that (yet).

I just asked this myself yesterday if there are studies on people who grew up with a parent who has BPD, how this may (negatively) affect me and what I could do against it. Thanks for the perfect timing and probably saving me a good amount of self research time.

The first borderline personality disordered person in my life was my father. Thankfully my mother was not personality disordered. She was a bit of a doormat however. And my dad also was comorbid with narcissistic personality disorder. Ended up with three personality disordered siblings all cluster B. Absolutely the hyper-vigilance, the what mood is he going to be in this particular minute, questions always ran through my mind when I knew that my father was about to enter the house. My hyper-vigilance included the ability to perceive his hand on the doorknob on the back door from upstairs in a room far from the back door. He made me the scapegoat. He died when I was 11. My mother protected me from the scapegoat role. But as soon as she was close to death my surviving siblings put me right back in that scapegoat role and that's why I've been no contact with all of them for about 12 years. Best decision I ever made!

We would get ignored and cold shouldered so we would keep repeating “mom” over and over again like Stewy from Family Guy. War of attrition, wall of silence. No diagnosis tho.

I really needed to see this, thank you so much for making this video! My mother has untreated BPD and fortunately I didn't develop it myself, but I developed several other mental illnesses for which I've been in treatment for many years (they're not all associated with her, but I know it's a huge contributing factor). The part you mentioned about inconsistency and what that does to a baby, a kid, and then the child as an adult resonated so much with me. I never know what to expect from anything or anyone, I'm hypervigilant and constantly scared of unintentionally doing something to upset the people in my life because as a child I got so used to my mother going into a rage because of some little thing I did or said that I didn't even know was wrong. Looking back, those things tended to be things that I can now see her interpreting as me potentially abandoning her. I wouldn't say I'm f**ked up for life (at least I hope not), but it really did affect me in a lot of negative ways and it's hard not to resent her sometimes for putting my sister and I through that simply because she refused to get any sort of treatment. I've seen a lot of comments from parents with BPD who are scared of negatively affecting their kids, and really, it comes down to whether you get treatment. I work in mental health care myself, I've seen lots of people who have BPD recover and be wonderful parents. Again, I don't resent my mother for having BPD. I resent her for refusing treatment (that we easily could have afforded).

And now imagine you were adopted by a person with untreated BPD... Thank you so much for sharing this video!!

Outstanding lecture. Have you considered going the teaching route in your field? By today's standards, it seems most parents, from a couple of generations ago, would be considered seriously neglectful in the area of emotional development of their children.

i have bpd that ive been treating for around 5 years now (it is way better tho ik its still very much a challenge) and i grew up with very traumatised mentally ill parents who never got treatment nor believe they need it. i definitely see the ways in which my mum acts that match very well with bpd and i think that was definitely a massive reason why i also developed it. i am a bit scared sometimes when i see the similarities between me and her but i also know that the most important thing is that i am working on mine and trying not to make it other people’s issue and i should be proud of that. still i do wish sometimes that she could get help but i know that is never going to happen at this point

Thank you so much for this video. I have a BPD parent, an NPD parent and BPD sibling, and this is a godsend. I suspect I have taken at least some BPD traits as survival. Lots of anxiety around relationships has left me desperate for answers. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Hi Ana, I don't know if you take suggestion, but I would love if you could make a video about anxiety and decision taking. I have a lot of trouble when I have to make a decision, even when it is a small one, I always find compelling reasons for A and B which make me super insecure.

This was a great video! I wish I had heard it 20 years ago. And I fully appreciate that we don't want to stigmatize sufferers of BPD. But we also need to consider the huge number of people who are in those families, were raised by, taught by, work with, had relationships or are friends with people who have BPD. It is completely unfair to use "don't stigmatize" to = "the rest of you shut up about the astonishing amount of abuse and suffering you have endured at the hands of people with BPD". I commend and respect anyone with BPD who is actively working on making their lives better, especially since so many never do, much less even acknowledge that there is an issue. But doing the math, there are far more people without BPD who have been affected by it who need help and could use a therapeutic process. This would be a huge and greatly welcomed movement, yet all of us seem to get left out of the conversation, or shamed into silence.

I just recently discovered your channel and it helped me in ways I cannot word out. Thank you, Ana!

My mother was a complete nightmare, put me through hell, i now have MS, Psoriatic arthritis, Fibromyalgia and crippling CPTSD, as a resulg ifvher bpd. She needed help a bullet through the skull. Happiest day of my life her dying. Got shot of her when she i was 29.

The jealous situation is what I’m in. I married the love of my life, and my mom resides with us due to her life situation. She’s a felon and ex addict. She literally can’t find a place of her own. I can just feel the venom oozing out of her around my wife. I feel like I’m trapped in a sense.

Thank you for the upload!

omg i just discovered your channel and this is uploaded it feels heaven sent, thank youuu not a lot of people talk about this

Excellent video. Thank you for compiling these sources and making them concise and easy to understand. You are appreciated!

This is the best video I've seen so far that goes into such accurate detail about this situation. I hope you keep making videos related to this topic, it really gave me a lot of support especially since I was having a particularly difficult day dealing with a very relevant case.

I had a BPD mother and she was evil and it made me BPD. My childhood was hell and my life has been painful and mostly an isolated existence. Finally in therapy at 53 for BPD for 3 years now and making the most progress in my life. Yet the progress is slow and agonizing and I have tremendous anger and resentment for the abuse that I suffered at the hands of my evil BPD mother.

Really respect the nuanced and evidence-based work you do

Thank you Ana this really helps¡ you're very kind sharing this with us🙌 much love😽

Thank you for this clarity..🙏 What a wonderful talk. Yes I experienced triangulation and parentification. my mother (at 70) is undiagnosed...a true BPD. But I did not develop a fear of abandonment,.. I grew up avoidant. Then did 20 years of working on myself. Since I had to raise myself and avoided her ever blaming or lying twist on reality. At 15 I checked out of caring. I care, but from a strong boundary and distance. I wish she would heal... and seek help. I am going to watch this video two or three times.❣❣

I haven’t studied BPD or read extensively about it, but it sounds like what was stated was a very comprehensive explanation on some of the origins, traits and responses a person with BPD has with their family or close people in their environment. Thanks

Thank you so much for this video. A lot of this is resonating with my experience with my mother and my maladaptations to coping with them.

I like your presentations very much. The material you present is top quality and the empathy you convey is healing it itself. You are already very successful in your career. Your videos have re-kindled an interest for me. Thank you

this was so validating.

I love your presentation of psychological knowledge. Your vibe is so not didactic but still authoritative, and you have such a wholesome and sensitive energy. I reckon you're going to be star.

So, what are we to do to recover as adult children of borderline parents? How do we recover from that hellhole of a childhood?

Thank you, this was really helpful. I like that you show clips of the research papers. I'm so confused about what's happening with me and how it all came about. My childhood was never stable for long and then when it finally was as a teenager, living with my grumpy, negative, and critical Grandfather caused me to have this negative voice in my head. More than anything I just want to have a sense of stability.

I think i was able to relate to alot that was said in this video, from childhood to now. thanks for the vids.

Thank you so much Ana!

Oh... This video is an eye-opener, I'll talk to my therapist about this. Thank you

Wow didn’t know this was a thing and you just described my entire upbringing and most of my adolescence lol. I understand some of my tendencies now . Thank you 🙏

Hey, Ana! Great video as always. Thank you very much, I appreciate your channel. It has helped me to better many aspects of myself and my life. About the same topic... could you make a video on techniques and how to support someone with BPD but struggles to treat it? Please, that would be really helpful.

This is such of a good & concise video about what it can be like to grow up with a BPD parent. It can be so confusing to grow up in it. The more I learn about it, the more I wish my family member would be open to going to therapy. They're not all bad, they just were dealt a bad hand in their life, and could get better with assistance.

An excellent presentation. Spot on.

dude you think you can make a podcast or somewhere we can get just audio access instead of having to open spotify. you're doing a really good job i learn a lot from your videos

My mom 🙏❤️🙏 love you Mom, I am glad we now know how to work with you through your challenges. Thank you Ana

This is spot on. Can never let others to take care of me as I always believe I’m a provider/ care giver to others especially to my mother.

Hey Ana, if you see this comment, could you please make a video on how someone could use CBT/mindfulness to overcome an entitlement mentality? I believe it's a topic you could handle with more compassion than other channels. Thanks.

This is so true. And thank you for the validation. It is helping to undo the gaslighting that comes with being raised by BPD parents. I do think it’s important to differentiate from BPD versus borderline tendencies (mainly the lack of insight). I think children learn from their parents regarding reactions to situations. That seems more the latter than a true lack of insight.

Thank you for making this video.

I.... thanks Ana. I've heard about this disorder before but I've never contextized it to me before I heard it here.. and yeah. I guess this is something I'll bring up to my therapist next time I see her. I think I've got other things on my psychological plate than bpd but it just clicks to well that my single parent mother had it too. Got me crying rn fr fr 😂 great content as always, thanks for the interesting videos and what you do Peace

Your video is fantastically phenomenally magnificent consisting of superlative superbness and excellence

Thank you very much for this video. It's very informative and helpful. I have a mother with BPD and Narcissism and father with narcissism.

This speaks to my soul…

Your vidoes are always great!! I would love to hear your thoughts on emotional I... as it's something I myself am trying to work through

This is so on point. I grew up with 2 generations.

a question to the paper, in case you remember: how did they recruit the group with mothers with BPD, if they were talking about untreated BPD?

Hi Ana, I'd be really interested in a video about emotional incest. I've heard and am curious to know more. That's a great video as ever. Thank you !

Hi, if you see this Ana you should do a video on relationships after they've ended. As someone recently out of a divorce, I've personally been struggling to move on, and I'd love to see your take on the subject!

Wow, Ana, THANK YOU for this video! Yes, please make a video on emotional incest, I am not able to find much information on this topic. Also, what advice can you give to adult children of borderline parents?

Thanks, this video was insightful! Do you know much about CPTSD? I heard there is some overlap with BPD. I know it’s not in the DSM, but it is considered a diagnosis on the ICD

Thank you for saying that some BPD do try because I have lived with BPD most my life and it is a constant struggle daily.

I wish I saw this growing up; it would have given me more information when dealing with my parent.

Thank you for this video

Damn I can't remember the last time I was this early for one of your videos.

i feel heard now, thank you

Well done video

You are to the point. i married a lady who was raised a Severe BPD monther. Now she left me and she does not recognize that she has a mental health issue. This is sad since this has caused another broken home. I was not a perfect husband or father but I wanted to do everything I could to save this family. 😢

My mother apologized to me the other day

My father left the world when i was quite young, so i was taken care of by my mother, even before the demise of my dad she had a borderline personality and after that it only got worse, at some points i didn't want to return home and run away, things remained like that until 20 years of my age but now when i have moved out from the home I'm gradually trying to improve the relationship, because I'm still grateful to her for the things she has done for me, but i can't forget the things i have suffered from, realising that she was agony too and maybe she wasn't able to control it, that is how I cope with it, and try to move on and improve the relationship. For the perspective, I got beaten up to hell and back for not scoring 20/20 on a test, my score was 19/20 💀 This is just one of many Btw I'm glad i didn't develop any trauma or disorders considering how messed up childhood and teenage i had 💀 I guess I'm built different 😂 or I'm just like my dad he was also an exception in his family tree, He is someone i love the most, it's really unfortunate i can't hug him IRL

wow, precise

Thanks!😘

I was raised by a boderline mother, and I suspect a vulnerable narcissistic father. My whole childhood was listening to yelling and being criticized ,dismissed, and having no idea what to expect from my parents depending on their moods. I grew into a drunkard substance abusing adult. I got further scapegoated for being the "drunk whinny one" of the family. I finally figured myself out at 40, quit drinking forever, and saw I was majorly borderline too (thanks psilocybin). I instantly got into therapy, got diagnosed as long as other co-morbid issues, and I see myself passing this onto my own kid, and it's the last thing I want!

I don't really know what to say. I got the diagnosis of Borderline some years ago but I don't feel that it really fits me. Your description of the effects of growing up with an untreated parent with Borderline feels much more accurate, though. Just, thank you. I feel like I have a way to express what I feel about it now.

This was amazing having this topic explained so eloquently. My father was a narcissist and my mother has a BPD. This has caused me trauma leading to devastating consequences in my life. I'm still trying to work through this at the age of 52.

This was a whole therapy session

My mother had untreated BPD. This video was eerily accurate and incredibly validating. Thank you.

Amzing video, thank you. Would you do one for NPD?

As a mother that raised two boys by myself and had untreated borderline, this makes a lot of sense. My sons no longer speak to me and blame my BPD for the reason why. 😢

One Day you will be a successful Doctor ! Keep Practicing!

Ana have you seen the movie Christine? I would like your opinion of it, or, I mean, analysis. A beautifully sad, sensitive true story. It came out in 2016. It broke my heart and helped me understand so much. Hope you see this and look it up!

Omg 😢 Thank you

❤great video

Can you do a video on the effects of growing up with a narcissistic parent?

You nailed my mother to a tee!

In this generation with all the education we have it is completely inexcusable for anyone with mental health problems to not get help BEFORE having a child. I forgive my mother but I am definitely breaking the cycle and getting therapy. We all need to take responsibility and we can’t change the past. I will say though growing up with a mother like this I wish I was taken away or adopted. It was horrific growing up with this and the isolation 😢

Makes perfect sense