End the relationship with the narcissist and cry once, is better than being with them and crying everyday.

She is like the healthy mom we never got, because well, our moms were narcissists. 😅

A narcissist paints a picture of themselves as being the victim or innocent in all aspects. They will be offended by the truth.

“You don’t shove your emotion down someone else’s throat…” That’s such a big statement for me to process, and it feels so good to hear.

Love doesn’t die a natural death. Love has to be killed, either by neglect or narcissism.

Being a good person doesn't get you loved, it gets you used by the narcissist.

2:35 identification, articulation 3:30 ownership 3:55 expression 4:18 reading the room 4:48 techniques 5:17 both sides 6:00 no expression is not regulation -> identification, expression, self-aware empathic feeling

"Three deep breaths could change the world". The world really needs this.

Me clicking this so I can learn how you’re suppose to function properly 😂

Maturity is when you realize the silent treatment is actually the best part of a Narcissistic relationship. A small moment of peace in an otherwise turbulent situation. But don't enjoy it too much. Once the Narc realizes you are enjoying their silence, they will switch their strategy and find another way to abuse you.

I was raised by narcs and you are so correct, they make you believe their rage and violence is normal. I am by nature, sweet and peaceful. I have always deeply loved animals and for some strange reason ( given my family of origins), had the gift of empathy. Needless to say, I was rejected and ridiculed. At 57 I went no contact with my family and I have been doing pretty good. It’s been difficult in some ways. They are, after all, family and it still hurts that I disappeared from their lives with barely a murmur from them. However, liberating, because I am learning everything you mentioned in this episode that sadly should have been taught to me as a child. Self regulation was fairly easy, when I finally created space for myself. They do not like seeing others in control of themselves. 57 years of how awful and incompetent I am, replaced with best friend self talk - Hey, you’ve got this and you’re going to be just fine. Do you know no one ever said that to me in my entire life? Thanks for all you do Dr. Ramani. I saw your powerful TED talk 5 years ago and it started me on a revolution.

A narcissist doesn't like it when you regulate your emotions. In fact, I'm convinced they thrive on chaos and conflict. In my experience things can be perfectly fine and they will erupt without warning, looking for and creating problems that didn't exist. They can't handle leaving you alone with your own thoughts, however innocuous those thoughts may be. If they're convinced you have the slightest thing on your mind they will push you to tell them your every thought and take you from perfectly fine to gradually starting to feel anger build within you. They make it extremely hard to stay regulated. More than once I've found myself trying to explain for no apparent reason that everything is fine, only to be called names and to have my narcissist demand to know what my problem is. This happens regularly on long drives where they've been sleeping and I've been doing the driving in silence. It's almost like if you don't immediately express joy at their awakening from their slumber and celebrate it, you're the one with a problem. It's very odd behavior on their part. I used to think they might be crazy but more and more I'm starting to believe it's a symptom of narcissism. They project anything and everything they think, feel or do onto you. There's no other explanation I can think of because many times I've found myself in the position of having to defend my own truth to the point of complete exasperation, where I actually start to feel dysregulated and will snap back at them, which doesn't help. I have gone from truthfully answering that there isn't a problem to give me a minute to make one up to satisfy you. Over time I've come to realize that harms me the most. They have a way of getting under your skin and really turning your entire day upside down. If you can get out of a narcissistic relationship, please do. ASAP.

In 'LIE TO ME' starring Tim Roth, he takes on an employee whom he observes at an airport being hyper vigilant when approached in the security queue - he notes how she pays particular attention to his behavioural traits and 'micro-expressions', and surmises that she grew up in an abusive home, where she was constantly scanning the facial expressions/behaviour of parental figures to see early warning signs of rage and abuse. I found this a striking observation about human behaviour.

I think that's why I thought for so long, that I was a narc too. Growing up with narc parents that never taught me how to regulate myself emotionally, has been one of the worst disabilities I had to break through. I am still learning. As long as I use my energy wisely, I am great. If I over do it, if I offer to help in too many things, if I do after office gatherings, if I have to be in charge of a public situation for too long... I will be in danger of becoming an a****le 😢 The worst part is the "rumination hangover" 😓 after a public display of disregulation. My advice for anyone who feels the same, is: Learn to identify your energy levels. Learn how to increase it, and what makes it drop. Use your energy wisely 🙌. As I get older, I need more alone time to recover. But a single positive short interaction is equivalent to a 3 hour nap 😅

I love that you pointed out that being stoic isn’t the measuring stick for a healthy, emotionally regulated person. Most of my life, I’ve felt that my big emotions were an issue. Now, I’m slowly realizing that while I need to work on my regulation of those feelings, having feelings or needing to express them isn’t the problem. Thank you thank you for saying this!

My sister and I used to call ourselves 'performing seals' for Mom's pals. At 70, I'm just starting a healing journey.

I remember once people being amazed with me that I was not upset when someone hit my car while it was parked. I was already so upset with other things, I couldn’t get more upset. For once, I felt like an emotional goddess after years of being told my emotions were inappropriate.

OMG! My parents are narcs. I can’t take being yelled at. At ALL. I shut down or burst into tears.

Holy Crap. I didn't even think to figure that out. My childhood was full of yelling, invalidation, drama and violence. Thank you for explaining what healthy looks like. I've never been told this information ever! I was a psychology major.

My sister was present to my narc's rage episode (it happened through the phone; can you believe it?!). She saw me through the distress & the huge sadness. She was discrete and supportive. At the end of the day she asked me; how come you don't explode!? And she was right. Right there I realized I was over-regulating on the benefit of the Narc and on the expense of my well-being. I'm grateful for my sister's remark today.

I have ADHD, so emotions can be 0-60 in 5 nanoseconds and very intense. I learned to rein them in very early, because an impulsive, reactive kid doest survive a narcissistic father. Bottling it up caused me a background rage from never being allowed to be myself. The older I get though, I realize there is another type of ferocious temper inside, my own sense of entitlement, my inner drama queen. When she rears her head, I get all these ideas of ways to lash out, manipulate others just to get what I want. All those nasty tricks that growing up with a puppet master teaches you. I realized that unlike the ADHD or PTSD influence on my emotions, that side of me is actually pretty level headed and not that impulsive. It's calculating and devious, and when I feel that coming up, I also feel in complete control and can easily choose not to act on it. I think that's my Cluster B inheritance from my father. It made me realize that he, too, probably always had that power of choice over his sadistic and selfish nature, but instead of choosing the alternative like I do, he just went with it. He knew what he was doing. He might not have had any healthy emotional regulation, but he sure as hell had control of his behavior.

My childhood consisted of yelling parents, a dad that beat us up, threw us down the stairs etc. Mom would stop it most times or sometimes call dad to take care of us ( inappropriate violence). As a young adult I learned to shut up and shit down or fly off the handle. As an older adult I went silent after horrible relationships with violent abusive men. It's taken years ( years ) of working on this and now regulated ❤❤❤ with constant awareness and improvement. I prefer plants over people and that's ok.

I worked in the court system many years ago. The judges would scream pretty regularly at just about everyone. You literally had to walk on eggshells around them. And the screaming was going on while in open court. If they asked you a question, you had better know the answer and not attempt to flip pages in your folder. Not kidding. Obviously, you could not talk back to the judges, even if they were screaming at you. Or you'd be held in contempt...and probably lose your job as well. We were, in essence, being trained to hold in emotions and allow someone to verbally abuse us. We were told not to take it personal. It was demeaning and humiliating. I think this can set up certain people to not be able to recognize abuse and stay and tolerate it when it would be healthier to just leave. Great discussion, Dr. Ramani! ♥

"any form of anger can become terrifying" - that is an eerily accurate way of describing it truth-telling --> scapegoat child of 2 narcissstic parents

My recovery from a narcissistic partner involved yoga, counseling, creating a family of choice, gym, rebuilding my life. A martial arts class will help rebuild confidence.

I grew up with disregulated parents and I swear we live in a disregulated world. My parents weren’t narcissists just deeply wounded. More emotionally immature. It’s been a journey of growing and healing. I feel we are finally waking up in the world to all the power imbalances and disregulation. That being said, there are narcissistic humans, and I wonder are they just deeply wounded humans? It’s so complex. I’m exhausted, as I wound up being the emotional caretaker and became deeply burnt out. I am slowly healing, though feel like I will never quite recover as it took a huge mental and physical toll on me. Finding wise support has been truly hard.

My ex pulled me into a family issue text chain & I spent serious $$$ on counseling to be clear about my emotional maturity through the ordeal. This message was what I needed. Emotional regulation - I have emotions, I acknowledge my emotions, I regulate expressing my emotions in public. Whew. I did exactly that in the texts. I didn't blow up or cringe in fear. I stuck to the issues and my feelings about the issues. The narcissist will never have power over me again.

I was never taught how to regulate my emotions, because one parent used rage, lectures, and control, and the other used fantasy, addiction, and disassociation to manage theirs. It's been an uphill climb to learn these skills myself. Serious healthy mom energy here. So wish I'd had some of this when I was young.

10 days late. My elderly Mom still tries to control her family members by interrupting, becoming hysterical, lying and hostile anger. Being an emotionally stable father of four good grown kids, I no longer tolerate bullying from anyone. So instead of engaging in the conflict, I step out of it and I become a mirror by pointing out their irrational emotions. It helps her to see what she is doing. It is important to call out adults acting like 3 years olds. I feel compassion, but also a fatherly sort of correction. Now she knows she can't get away with bullying me any more.

Great stuff. My father was a narcissistic parent. Yelled with impunity. Took me well into my adulthood with lots of therapy to learn what is healthy.

thank you for saying what i couldnt say for myself out loud, pushing emotions down bc you had to, bc there were consequences for speaking out and up for yourself from a parent that had problems regulating their emotions. so then when it came time to emote, nothing came out, or sometimes the gasket blew and it ALL came out at once. thank you.

This tracks. My abuser would literally say "I'm always stressed, I'll never be not anxious and stressed, but being around you (me) helps" (turns out she was trying to outsource her anxiety management) And simultaneously never stop taking everything I've said in the worst light. She would interpret beyond what was even possible. We did therapy together, and the therapist would have us interpret what the other said. That's where I saw that their viewpoint was was always colored in a very offended victim mindset and was literally hearing things that weren't there. That's when I knew communication was impossible and I had to go NC.. (Example: Me: I feel invaded when you do interrupt me from my naps. Her (reinterpreting): you hate me and never want to talk to me again. (She did this around the therapist, so she clearly thought it was a rational enough interpretation that she thought she could win the therapist over with her words.) I've never seen them take me at my word, the only time the "forgive me" for their misinterpretation is when someone else backs me up. So even when they back down on a particular point, they're still proving that they don't trust, me, my viewpoint, and they're too triggered by me for us to have any kind of meaningful relationship. However, I'd like to put the regulation on a scale. If you used to yell and break things, and graduate up to walking away without notice, that's progress. Also, it's impossible to regulate around certain people if they're triggering enough, so the regulation comes from not interacting with them.

It's often hard to see whether one was raised by a narcissist. There's a deep loneliness to dysregulation and not feeling "allowed" to be oneself that seems to be shared with so many other problems.

I wish they could teach children how to emotionally regulate and what healthy relationships look like in the school curriculum. I truly believe it could really change the world ❤

Recovery from a narc partner or a narc family is a long term goal. Get therapy, study emotional intelligence, assertiveness training, create family of choice. Purge all resentments.

Thank you, I needed to hear this 💕 "We can't turn off our feelings, but we can't expect the world to stop for our feelings." 👏🏻

I remember meeting someone who reported me to HR for raising my voice. In his family, people never did this. To him it was like breaking the law! Very different than the narcissistic family I grew up in.

“Three deep breathes could change the world” Dr Ramani ❤

This is the video I needed. I quickly jotted down some key points: >Don't stop respecting someone just because you feel something >So, learn what respect is >Stop before you react >Express the emotion appropriately (AKA: don't just cry a river in your boss's office; don't just walk away out of nowhere; don't close a phonecall in someone's face; etc) >They are THEY, you are YOU >How am I feeling? Name the emotion >So, learn how to tell just what it is that you're feeling >How do I deal with this emotion? >Learn tips and tricks for next time >Learn how to know when you're feeling strongly at all

This is how I feel. I am expected to tolerate a lot of crap and hold it in until I can’t stand it any more so I snap and get upset, which I am then criticized shamed and blamed for. So tired of it all. Telling myself it’s not just me and not all my fault even if I have a trauma history. I work on my emotional regulation but I am allowed to have emotions and limits. So tired of being the scapegoat with it all. I can barely stand being around some of my family sometimes because of it:( Doing what I can to regulate myself without expecting much from them. Thank you Dr Ramani. I have to get that book! ❤

I recognize the eggshell walking and being afraid of the anger of others from my parent. Sadly this has carried over into my intimate relationship and now I’m struggling to get away from a narc who’s abusive 😢 Over-regulation is my way of life.

Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.

More videos like this, please! I realize now I grew up with two parents who neither regulated their emotions in front of us. I remember as a young adult seeing a couple work out a pretty serious disagreement very calmly by talking about it and it was mind-blowing.

I was feeling the gravity of my dads narcissism as being sick. There were times when i was near him that i had to conceal dry heaves. His narcissism was so severe i felt this as a mental sickness There was a shining bright bar of light protecting my heart in my minds eye. I asked myself what i can do, i cant hold this deep negativity and memory... The answer repeated again and again 'this is not yours to hold, this is not yours to hold'. Recently i was around someone who started behaving moody and negative. I felt triggered. I would not characterize her as a toxic person in general but instead of feeling embarrased and ashamed and awkward, i started to self speak (to myself, not out loud) . 'You dont deserve this behaviour...youve done nothing wrong, breath, you are good, this is her mood, etc .... . And the energy changed. Also back to my dad....i was at the beach while contemplating this and saw a gray rock with black striations in it that were erratic black lines.. It represented this unhealthy ekg of narcissism. I tossed it into the waves.😮

This may sound silly, but Doctor Ramani you are a hero. You are a person and lady that young people and girls should look up to. Because I do, thank you.

Thank you!🥰 five years ago I left a 32-year narcissistic marriage where I did this - I held all my feelings inside (and was physically ill until I left) - now that I am safe and healing, physically and emotionally, I am still learning how to express my feelings in a healthy way - thanks for all you do, Dr Ramani! 🥰

When you do express emotions only to be recieved by a rageful dismissive response, over a period of time, this also creates damaging physical and psychological damage.

how healthy people regulate. Great vid.. please do more on healthy emotional healing. Congrats on your book Dr R, just outstanding!!!

The subject Emotional Dysregulation feels a bit overwhelming to me and reminded me of Aristotle's quote about anger, The Gold Standard I suspect, "Anybody can become angry-that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree, and at the right time for the right purpose, and in the right way-that is not within everybody's power and is not easy" those Greeks eh had time to ponder perfection that still isn't realized to this day.

I was raised by narcissists (and I still live with them). Only the narcissists can express emotion, often anger, often with violent actions and language. I have ZERO idea how to express healthy anger. Just two days ago my flying-monkey cousin was insinuating that if I had kept the house clean things would be much better. I was furious. She knows all the hurt and pain they've caused, and she knows none of my narcissistic siblings have EVER washed a single dish. I used to and all it got me was to be the narcissitic mother's little slave. Now I stay in my room, I don't even come out to pee when I need to just to avoid running into them... Im still trying to process the anger I felt when she insinuated that it was all likely due to me not "pitching in" enough, and that if she was in my shoes the house would be spotless. Oh I am SO angry and I have no idea how to let it out. I got in my car and started screaming while driving. Other driver's must have thought I was a nutjob. I can''t wait to get out of here and actually feel emotions. Even if its alone in a room.

One of the most traumatic events of my childhood was repeated panic attack induced fights with my Mom while trying to explain to her how things were unfair for me. My brother was abusing me at the time: As an adult my ex would often try to gaslight me towards a panic attack during fights so that they could win. I would try to explain what was happening until I lost faith. Even if that’s true, as an adult I still need to take ownership of my emotions. Life can be so brutal sometimes.

Went no contact a year ago. I was the truth teller and the black sheep. Still figuring out who I am, how to regulate, and what I want in life at age 37. ❤happy I was able to get away and see the abuse for what it was instead of listening to how everything was my fault constantly. 😢My biggest problem right now is I always feel like the bottom is going to drop out, shit will hit the fan, and I’ll be forced to rebuild my self esteem all over again. I work in a profession that has a lot of narcissistic people. They’re attracted to me for some reason. I keep having run in after run in. It’s wearing me thin.

it’s crazy to hear this and to recognize that just 2-3 years ago i was extremely emotionally dysregulated but just the other day, i had a huge fight with an (i think) narcissistic ex and i felt the most emotionally hurt than i have in a while to the point of actually throwing up. but during the entire time i was trying to emotionally regulate. i was taking deep breaths, checking in with my emotions inside me, and pacing to try to burn like that energy, even though it was pretty difficult for me to do, i’m pretty proud of myself

It will still affect you and sometimes you just don’t want to feel the pain anymore but you must face the facts and stop making excuses and then you will know what to do. This process takes a long time. Meditation and other means provide a certain measure of relief but unless you process for yourself everything envolved you will not heal. But the subconscious will only set free what you can process. My doctor said decades ago start with one issue after the other which you are aware of. And I found this helpful.

Many people assume that this stuff is "obvious" and "normal" but for me it's a revelation.

When you've been hurt by others expressing their anger by physically hurting you, it can seem like the other extreme - not showing "bad" emotions - is the way not to hurt people like you were hurt. It does hurt you physically and it makes it hard for others to know the real you.

This is kinda where I’m at in my healing process. Understanding “realities”. When mine was broken due to my soon to be ex-husbands mask falling, and I had to pull myself up from literally nothing because everything was “his” it all started me on this painful journey. It has helped me in every aspect of my life.

Congratulations on your new book! And Thank you for all you do.

He didn't scream and shout but you could see and feel the anger

Didn’t know what I was feeling as a child, flipped into denial and pleasing so fast I never went there. Now I am learning to ask myself and understand. Just having my finger on my emotional pulse is enough. I don’t see much value in sharing as I am the one making choices that pertain to me and they don’t really care. Wondering if those of you who grew up in a narcissist household have experienced it like that too.

Thank you, again, Dr. Ramani, for pointing me in a healthy direction on my healing journey from chronic narcissistic abuse.❤️🙌🏻 Healthy Emotional Regulation: Summary: Identify the feeling. Feel the feeling and express it in an honest way. Be self-aware and epathic to others in the situation. (1) Give myself permission to identify my feeling, feel my feeling in an honest way, articulate my feeling, and articulate how I need to respond to process my feeling appropriately. (“I feel really angry right now. I just need to sit with this.”) (2) Own my emotion as my emotion. Own my experience and POV as mine. (Do not project or impose my emotional reponse, my experience, or my POV about a situation on other people who have their own valid emotions, experience, and POV. Do not say things like, “How can you not be angry right now?” Or “How are you not sad right now?”) (3) Express my emotion appropriately. Do not scream. Do not frighten people. Do not threaten. Do not become violent. Do not break things. Do not just walk away without explaining that you just need to step away for a moment. Do not just hang up the phone. (4) Read the room. Do not express emotion the way I want, any time I want. Feel my feelings, but do not expect the world to stop for my feelings. (5) Figure out techniques that manage my emotion in the moment. Expression, “3 Deep Breathes Can Change the World.” -Allow myself to stop before I respond or react. -Do not spew my feelings all over the place whenever I want. Examples of calming techniques: breathing exercise, meditation, mindfulness, … (research and try other techniques) (6) Review both sides of the situation. My feelings and experience are valid. Feel my feelings. Simultaneously, consider that other people’s feelings and experience are separate and valid. Accept that narcissists will NOT value other people’s feelings and experiences because they lack empathy. Accept that narcissists will NOT regulate their feelings. If the Narcissist gaslights me for the thousandth time, do not tell them they are an a-hole or rage at them. -Instead, take a moment. -Recognize that person’s behavior is reprehensible. -Give myself permission silently to identify my feeling, feel my feeling, and silently articulate how I need to respond appropriately to my feeling (eg “I feel angry. I need a minute to myself to breath and process this.”). -Realize that repeat exposure to narcissistic behavior requires repeated use of this emotional technique and recalibration for healthy emotional regulation. (7) Do not repress feelings, especially strong feelings that need to be processed. Repressing feelings is not emotional regulation. -Do not feel pressured to avoid talking about my strong feelings and responding to them appropriately. -This can lead to an uncontrolled emotional outburst that you later regret. -This can also lead to decline in emotional health, such as anxiety and self-blame. -Victims of narcissistic abuse are commonly indoctrinated with the false belief that their feelings are not valid and their feelings are wrong, so the victim represses their feelings. When the victim lets out an uncontrollable outburst of repressed emotion, the narcissist commonly gaslights them with the false belief that the victim is overly dramtic and overly emotional. I’m a 43 y/o single nurse. I can’t afford to get away from the status quo of narcissistic abuse in my healthcare career in the hospital setting (ie antagonism, aggression, invalidation, exploiting, triangulation, gaslighting, scapegoating, and flying monkeys). Narcissistic behaviors are at every hospital at varying degrees of severity. My emotional longevity relies on you, Dr. Ramani. Concurrently, I rely on the CPTSD coach on UKposts Anna Runkle (aka “The Crappy Childhood Fairy”) because I am also healing from CPTSD from chronic narcissistic abuse from my mother, who I am now estranged from. I also rely on my psychiatrist who prescribes me with Adderrall for my ADHD symptoms and Zoloft for my Depression. Everyday, I hide my emotional struggle from my colleagues about my dysregulated anxiety, low self-esteem, and low-self efficacy. Outside work, I live in isolation where I constantly devour self-help and journal obsessively to ingest and apply what I learn. I try to make my toxic painful dysfunctional confusing thoughts healthy bit by bit as I journal. I also run 6-12 miles 4 days a week to feel baseline optimism and hope. I use up all my free time on self-help and exercise just to feel normal enough to work, so I don’t have time left for personal relationships. I don’t feel lonely because I am naturally introverted, but I am aware that I am also pathologically avoidant due to difficulty trusting anyone in my personal space closer than arms reach. At my best, I am capable of meaningful work, financial stability, physical health, and meaningful superficial connections with patients, their visiting family and friends, and some colleagues. But I am totally incapable of meaningful and lasting personal relationships. I accept myself and my circumstances. I feel grateful about what I DO have right NOW. I feel grateful for my potential next steps to enhance meaning, enjoyment, and love in my life. Maybe I will join a group of other people healing from narcissistic abuse and CPTSD so we can obsess over self-help together.

Thanks Dr Ramani for this excellent reminder. I find the hardest part of self regulation is to name your inappropriate reactions to your children, own your responsibility and sometimes fault and guide them through the process by sampling it. Very hard to do but liberating and empowering for all.

My recovery From narcissistic abuse, included yoga, working out with free weights, healthy food, and doing kind things for other people who would return the favor. I also join several social clubs.

there are narcissists though right who don't rant and rage, they just do the calm, controlled or shut down treatment

Love every single video ❤

My father and my sister yell at others while my mother gives the silent treatment. It was fun growing up.

I am so excited for your book!!! Thank you so much for writing it!!!😊

This is the first video I watch from this channel and I love it already! It totally speaks to me, it seems it all makes so much sense now! Can't wait to learn more and besides: You have a great presence and way of speaking! Love it!

4:41 "We don't turn off our feelings but we also cannot expect the world to stop our feelings so it's knowing them feeling them identifying them but also reading the room". -Dr Ramani.

Thank you! I found this do useful I took notes. Hope it can help others... Healthy regulation: 1. Feel the emotion, react and behave in an adequate/corresponding way (facial expressions, laughing, tears... physical reactions), name the emotion, articulate what you need 2. Recognize what is your emotion / that others can feel and face emotions differently 3. Express it appropriately, control your behavior, do not engage in verbal or physical violence 4. Still take others into consideration, read the room, the context, express emotions in the right way at the right time, don't expect the world to stop 5. Figure out techniques to manage emotions and feelings, to slow down, self-sooth and think before you react or respond 6. View both sides of a situation, know you are not the center of the universe, recognize others have an experience too Not regulation: 7. Not expressing feelings is not regulation! It is over-regulation. Repressing feelings is physically and psychologically damaging, don't keep it all in. 7. Over-regulation puts you at risk of blowing up at the wrong time, in a damaging or even dangerous context... and starting to feel crazy yourself! It can fuel the abuser's gaslighting 8. If you realize your own dysregulation is a problem, you're not a narcissist! (And THANK YOU for that last pointer! I have felt sooo crazy in the past, that should be on a poster hanging in every school, doctor's office and most of all in every single therapist's waiting room in the world!!)

I just ordered your book. Thank you for your help. ❤

Congratulations on your new book Dr. Ramani!!! so excited to read it, and thank you so for another amazing video

I will admit it has taken 59 years to recognize this and the death of my narcissist to move forward. I am so ashamed of my past angry outbursts, and growing house was known for screaming 😢 I have gotten better over t h e years at outbursts. I have a lot of narcissistic tendencies myself, but I try every day to be a better person. Thanks doctor, it's a crazy road but you make it easier 😉

I’m so thankful to have found your videos. I’m seeing glimmers of hope for myself again. Taking baby steps but I’m stepping. ❤️

Thank you for this AWESOME video! ❤

I love and appreciate how beautifully you organize and present information. Thank you so much for all the work you do.

THIS IS THE BEST ADVICE ANYONE HAS EVER GIVEN ME! 😊 Thank you so much Dr. Ramani, I will take this with me for the rest of my life, Truly! Now for the first time, I think I am not going to judge myself, or shame myself and be empathetic at the same time. For the first time I can recognize my emotion with out judgement. But also feel it without pushing it down. Happy New Year and May this be the my first year with healthy regulation in it. I cannot thank you enough. Many blessings to you Dr. Ramani!

The term “Over-Regulation” is something that should be talked about more. Since I’ve learned about narcissistic relationship dynamics, I’ve seen it as under-regulation (on the narcissist’s end) and over-regulation (on the my end) in order to cope. Dr. Ramani, you are the first mental health professional I’ve heard ever reference this “under vs over regulation” dynamic in this way. This understanding may help other survivors better understand their place in the relationship and begin a journey towards healthier emotional regulation. THANK YOU!… for the description of healthy regulation. It was desperately needed.

Thank you for making this video. This is what I've been needing to learn. ❤

Oceans of gratitude to you for educating us, Doctor Ramani!

I’m so excited for your book and im so proud of you Doctor Ramani! You saved my life with all your sympathetic but yet educational and straight to the point work and I’m sure you’ve helped other just as much. You deserve the world❤️

Just pre ordered the book!!! You have been the most valuable source of knowledge in my 4 yrs of healing. You're empathy when dealing with cultural and financial issues in a narcissist relationships is exceptional.

Congratulations on your book. Well done. Thank you for your content. Grateful.

I've made huge strides in this area over the past several years, and your videos were definitely a catalyst for the change.

I like the way we’re all acting like it’s only the other person that’s narcissistic, how nobody is actually owning up to being guilty

I would love more videos like this. So helpful and profound especially as a mother of two young boys. I'm leaving an abusive narcissistic marriage and I'm the daughter of a narcissist dad. This is so helpful - teaching me how to regulate and be a better parent. Also giving me the tools to pass down to my kids.

Wowie! That was hugely revealing! Very specific! Thank you!

Wow, Dr R, thank you more than I can express. You have helped me profoundly. You are a blessing and a treasure!

My husband: 1. I’m so angry I have to break something 2. When I am stressed and angry and you all see me. I expect you all to run to me and group hug me to calm me down! 3. I have a bad temper so not everyone is you (my name) ok. I have to be this and then I calm down and hear you. 4. No one acts like you (my name) when they are upset. You need help stop being so calm

I have found that there are times i do not need or choose to announce my feelings but will talk to myself later or journal. Sometimes music that brings insight, or a walk by trees and lakes or working out at the gym helps me process and if i need to bring something up in conversation later i will do it but i like that preview time to make sure i am not reacting and it is more of a responding after careful consideration. I want to make sure what i say is truly representing who i am and what i think. Often in the moment we can get caught up in reacting and our minds play tricks on us and we can say something we didnt mean to say at all. Meditation and spiritual time also helps.

Thanks so much Dr. Ramani! This was so helpful in so many ways. Not only for myself, but also in teaching my children. I will watch this over again many times.

Holy! Wow! Thanks Dr. Ramani, for literally spelling it out and esp. the examples at the end. VERY eye opening and helpful’ 😃

I have a narc mom and a sweet but enabler dad. I grew up watching the most insane one sided screaming matches where my mom would go on for HOURS and my dad would greyrock. Before I got therapy, I used to be so quick to argue. I thought people who didn’t argue were *weak and weird.* Thankfully I unlearned these toxic traits (fleas) and I know how to handle my mom when she goes absolutely ballistic.

It’s so hard for me to cry. I went maybe 10-15 years without crying at all. It’s easier for me to cry at a movie or commercial than anything in my real life.

I really needed this, thank you Dr Ramani. I'm so grateful for all of the content you share.

Thank you!!!! I will be ordering your new book. I have a big issue with regulating my emotions for sure. Thanks for the tips!!!!

Mine would slutshame me followed by screaming and taunting 😢 thank god I finally got away from this mess after 4 year of in and out struggle. Healing now ❤Thank you so much Dr Ramani for these videos. This is educating me a lot.

1:51 "By and large most survivors of narcissistic and antagonistic relationships over-regulate." OMG this is huge revelation. I was convinced I am dysregulated but actually it is not dysregulation - it is over-regulation. This is mind blowing. This aligns with IFS - which tells us that panic, worry, rumination, fears anxiety - stem from parts of ourselves which try to regulate our Self - but they do it in dysfunctional way since we are not in healthy ambient - so we mimic toxic people and how they regulate - in wrong ways. We never had healthy model to learn from how to deal and handle toxic people and difficult moments and events.

I love listening to you...often the timing of your vid is perfection for what I need to hear. Thank you.

Right on time! A patient recently asked about this! Your explanation is much more succinct and clear than mine! Thank you!