You are so right

Hehehe u mean I have a patient tommorow 88

Million of miles ahead. She was left by the wayside the minute Esther defined the paradox of how we view marriage? She is looking for answers when she is not understanding the context of marriage and infidelity.

I wonder if she is playing devil's advocate!

Miles miles ahead. Esther is a legend

Totally agree, that interviewer was just interrupting and trying frame her answers for no reason at all. She annoyed me! Let Esther speak lady!

I could never be with a cheater no matter how good communication can be. I respect myself

Did you end up marrying?

​@@unrealAnaHappy loneliness to you.

​@@unrealAna Why do you feel you can give him everything

Absolutely! You can find passion anything, not just in sex

I'm are married women of 16.5 years, and I, too, am sometimes shocked and sadden by what I hear from other married women about their husband. I adore and respect mine and our relationship. Maybe that's the difference.

If we're talking about a group of same gendered people discussing/commiserating about very private/relationship matters, then I've heard groups of men who are equally guilty.

This has always puzzled me especially with couples that dated before marriage, and spend time together before they decided to get married, and some couples lived with each other before marriage, so why are these couples surprised with these changes? I am guessing that it's expectations and the lack of understanding why we all change. Esther Perel puts this into perspective for us.

@@Emy53 why does this surprise you? that people change? Change is the only constant in life. After 30 years of marriage I can certainly tell you that my husband and I are nowhere near the idealistic 30 year Olds we were when we married. We are still the same people in some aspects, but life and all its tragedies, challenges and obstacles has done a number on us both...in different ways. Are we still married, yes but no way are we the same...but different yes. In many ways, all the better for it at the end of the day. 💜

@@karmamelk9 Sheesh, did you have to drag men into a comment directed at women? Can’t say I’m surprised. It’s just a shame that some feel women can’t be scrutinized without bringing men into the conversation. A truly sad state of affairs.

She asked relevant questions: such as “what would be good vows?” (Which Esther didn’t truly answer, mostly because what she was saying is that you can’t promise anything in your vows other than sometimes I’ll screw up but sometimes I won’t) She asked “What about men, what do you find there?” “What about when there is a notion of forgiveness and guilt?” Etc.

Yes, it seems to me that many who were critical of the interviewer just didn't like her for their own (vague) reasons, and the rare ones who actually stated a reason for their dislike didn't seem to understand the role of an interviewer.

its because we are animals and inherently selfish. its very hard for us humans to do the right thing

Bullshit lulu. We do not have a selfish nature. Please look into positive psychology and understand that we have rather an altruistic nature. Also always remember: life is because of the endosymbiontic theory. Which basically says life was created through symbiosis not egoism.

VKRGFAN “You can’t control yourself”! Seriously, there is a huge difference between controlling ones self and controlling ones thoughts! Yes actions show impulse most often but I believe ones controlled thoughts (good bad etc) highly effects the relationship just as much. Question that all you want but if you have a romance novel in your reach your reactions toward your partner is effected!

@@xDidonax Why do narcissists exist if we don't have a selfish nature? Everything a narcissist does is for their own benefit. That's not some altruistic survival for everyone's general good and well being, that's taking for oneself at the expense of those around you. The only thing that makes us altruistic is the fact we have to get along for a civilized society to exist and to make general survival easier for everyone so we don't all have to go back to growing our own food and fetching our own drinking water. That psycho babble, metaphysical, deductionist, psuedo science you're trying to push may work on the animal kingdom but human beings are an entirely different creature. Anyone who thinks human beings are altruistic and not selfish is a complete idiot living under a rock in a fantasy world.

@@bozejoetheclown3554 Narcissism is extreme selfishness, that's why it's categorized as a disorder/illness; the majority of people are Not narcissistic. And rude people who attack those hold a different opinion by calling them "idiots" would greatly benefit from taking courses in social etiquette.

noezwayout76 true. The cheater ALWAYS thinks the marriage is the problem, they need to do a mirror check. If I don't like me, then no one will do.

That's also addressed and supported in her book

noezwayout76 this statement sums up how individuals within our society ought to view marriage. I'm not married, but I am grateful that I had come to this reliasation before I had fallen into a dark, lonely pit. I believe healthy marriage most certainly thrives on individual betterment on both parties' side.

No such thing as a person with no self. Therefore, no such thing as selflessness. I agree about the work part and getting down to the nitty gritty, sure. Totally agree with that. As for lasting happiness --- I have not met one single person in this life time who can honestly say they know what that is like. Repeating happiness, recurring happiness --- that exists but sometimes it is deliberate and true also sometimes it is cultivated, but sometimes it is not...I do also concur that only you can satisfy yourself. That's quite the antithesis of a marriage though. A marriage is about you and another person -- relating. Esther is right to observe that we have a need for freedom and a need for togetherness at the very same time; independence and connectedness are both needs but they are contrary to each other. Knowing what you truly want and need out of a relationship is paragon---which is really more to your point again.

So true

You're spot on quoting Esther 🌐

50/50

A lot LESS is the phenomenon 🌐

That isn't true many people have sex dreams about their partner. 🤨

@@thelightwithin7437 which are out of present anyways :))

Sara Mecredy for me, not so much.

The other interview we is annoying 😃

He is cheating on me right now, he tells her he loves her and he says he loves me too. I am so sad and so heart broken and we have a baby. I am so saddd and feel depressed!

@@lynlyn5990 I'm truly sorry to hear that doll, I just realized I posted this 4 years ago, since then I've long stopped fucking with the dude, I seeked professional help. I've been talking to my psychotherapist for 3 years now and am now in a very healthy relationship. You will know when it's time for you to move on and be truly happy. I know you feel sad and depressed but please do know that like the seasons this shit too will pass, what you do in between is up to you. I can only ask that you keep your head and your spirit up for your baby and your well being. Seek help if you should, don't be too prideful

This speaker Esther is neglecting to mention narcissism which is a really unsafe place to have a relationship

YesSss bravo!!!! She is the best

she's a racist

@@WilliamBarryRoberts More that she is coming from a very "woke" feminist position, aggressively navigating for as much advantage and "happy thoughts" about women, and on the other hand, dismissive and contemptuous toward men.. To a male listener like me, she radiates hostility towards men.

MA Bailey I agree

Yes 🤨😏

Same...was about to leave this comment, too

Maybe she is tired!

To be honest, she also reiterated a lot of the same points that she made most famously in her TED talk.

She is talking to the audience.

Yes I really prefer her interviews with Lewis Howes and Layla Martin.

Humaira Ahmed I disagree. Rosin challenged Perel at 34:00 which allowed Perel to deliver her overall message in five points. Then immediately after Perel's summary, Rosin offered an additional clarification of relationships ending not correlating to failure that Perel had not mentioned, and Perel responded beautifully! Rosin provided a dismissal that I assume a lot of people would say so Perel could show a different perspective on people who "cheat" and her five-point debunker of marriage presumptions. Rosin then asked a comparison to other countries Perel had mentioned she visited recently! Challenging an idea especially a good idea is not disrespectful.

Agreed. She was a terrible interviewer. Esther's study of relationships is so analytical and insightful. The interviewer was not prepared with poignant questions and didn't direct the dialogue.

completely agree... What's the point in enquiring what country is the worst or the best???

Exactly. An interview starts at the edge of everything that‘s been said before. It’s very much like a conversation with your partner. At first you talk about the nice agreeable things and after an hour or so there will be a silence... and THEN it starts. This person simply didn’t do their homework or went in at the assumption that no one in the audience did theirs.

I agree. There's a lot of societal pressure to give everything to their child(ren) and have nothing left for themselves or others.

Would love to listen to a talk between the two

But she is not into Peterson, as on one these videos...

Likewise! Very judgemental.

Interviewer is smug and antagonistic

monogamy and patriarchal marriage is why we have civilization today, if not we would be living in caves and grass huts. for better or worse, it seems to work

Divorce is more common now because divorce is more available. Civilization has been here before, as is mentioned in the Bible; For as in the days before the flood, they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that Noah entered the ark,” (Gen.6-7). Civilization has gone through sexual revolutions before and come full circle, history continues to repeat itself because each generation wants to be different. I do not think life is better than it was 50 years, it's just more complicated and we have less privacy. She is wrong about males having permission to cheat. In the community I grew up in, it was the responsibility of the husband and the wife to be faithful. Monogamy is only normal for people who have the capacity to mature and be responsible for their behaviour. Everyone else wants to remain children and do what they want when they want, with no consequences, therefore monogamy is not normal.

Heterosexuality is normal. Thank normal people for your life's creation.

No, it's not. No one is born heterosexual. It's a societal construct.

bingo!

What??

Just started watching this talk, but your sentiments are mine exactly. I do not understand people's attitudes toward marriage. It is sacred. It is a promise. It is supposed to be something shared between two individuals and not broken. Both people are supposed to enter in respecting the humanity of the other, but remaining respectful of the meaning of the union--having the insight and self-control to conduct oneself in a way that is conducive to long term commitment. Unfortunately, people struggle with this. And when they struggle, they give up. They believe it's time to end the marriage rather than work through their problems and strengthen their union. You are not the only one who feels this way.

Perhaps I sound closed-minded saying what marriage is "supposed" to be...but I guess I have to wonder if you do not feel this way...why get married? Just keep dating and make it a super-serious level of commitment to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend. I don't have a problem with people interpreting marriage the way they want to, but it's disheartening to feel as though I cannot trust that another human being would enter marriage with the same level of commitment I would.

It is interesting to see how often people pick up on this one specific part of what people like Esther are saying with laser focus. They put so much value on their idea of what "fidelity" is that they don't mind enduring countless indignities because of it. She's not saying that the only way to be monogamous is to NOT be monogamous. What she's saying is that the ideal is more of a myth than a reality and THAT is the problem. She's trying to cause people to sober up and recognize the real issues at stake and to take a more pragmatic look at them; rather holding fast to a glossy eyed, pie in the sky, perspective they've always had. You point out that you'd want your children to have both parents like you. THAT'S precisely what she's saying. She's saying we've somehow got it into our heads in our country that we'd prefer somebody get a divorce than to keep their family unit together when somebody makes a mistake or shatters the illusion. She's pointing out how ridiculous and unrealistic the ideals have become. That we expect ONE person to be able to fill every last void we may have. That we want them to never fail. That we never want to ever feel lonely again. We want to be heard and respected in every single moment without err. And yet, this is not really what humans are like; nor is any one person capable of all of these things ALL of the time. Nor is anybody capable of keeping their word about everything all of the time either...noble thought...beautiful to think of...just unrealistic, that's all.

GUILDAMESH we need more men like you, what you’re saying is normal And what the world offers isnt. At least in my opinion.

It's obvious that you did not listen, think about and truly understand what she was saying, if this diatribe you posted was the only thing you gathered from this discussion. Maybe what is tripping you up is comprehension due to the media format chosen. You might need one of her books.

Love is awesome but smartness is much more important in a relationship. There’s a popular saying that “don’t trust too much because that too much might hurt you so much”. I discovered my husband was cheating on me through the help of an ethical hacker ( Cyberhackingsage )who helped cloned his cellphone and i was able to read his messages and uncover my husband’s infidelity without having to touch his phone. It was a sad experience for me but I’m glad i found out all his secrets and how he planned on using this Pandemic to get back at me. All i did was share my husband’s cell number with Cyberhackingsage and i got access to his Facebook, WhatsApp, GPS location, Call Logs and Text Messages (both deleted and incoming ones) with a remote link to a programmed Application on my phone. I’m here in Florida and able to access my husband’s phone...even while he was away in Canada cheating on me. Thanks to Cyberhackingsage, now i have enough evidence for my divorce. You can contact them Via Gmail ( cyberhackingsage@gmail )Or Text and WhatsApp them on +15713758467...thank me later

Sagar Wagh agree. Cowards and liars cheat. Period

Sagar Wagh I think that explanation and justification are separate. They are not the same things.

You cant always forgive but you can understand. Betrayal hurts but how much is onn your end? How much is on the past? How much is of it in the now.

@VKRGFAN you introduced the Narcissist element. They don't wear the label on a t-shirt. lots 'normal' people cheat tho' the cheating is with themselves and their values

Yes, I've a friend tied up with one....8 years later shes on anti depressants and seeing a shrink. Lost grip of her self worth or confidence in her own judgement ability. I do my best to provide unconditional positive support

Indeed. Get Esther to expose men in marriage

You leave unless you can live with insincerity.

Your so called friends most likely already know, but will only say something like ' I wanted to tell you but didn't know how ' after you leave him. Find someone who is sincere.

awesome work from evidencehackers911 on Instagram, he helped me spy on my fiancee phone last week, now am sure he that he was cheating so i can make the right choice before our marriage. been cheated on really sucks,you can contact him to solve you problem of infidelity…

I totally disagree

@@cristinaalvarez6822 Why do you disagree? Also, there are a lot of toxic romantic relationships, while there isn't that many toxic platonic relationships. Like an example is that abuse happens a lot in romantic relationships, while abuse is rare in platonic relationships. So there is a lot of abusive romantic relationships, while there isn't that many abusive platonic relationships. Why do you think abusive romantic relationships have a term for them called "domestic violence", while abusive platonic relationships don't have a term for them? It's because abuse in platonic relationships are very rare, while abuse in romantic relationships happens a lot. And also, a lot of people cheat on their romantic partners with someone else, while most people won't do stuff like that with their platonic best friends. Also, I heard that most people can live a life without romance and can still be happy. But most of the time, if someone doesn't have any platonic friends in their life, it can effect them really bad mentally; much worse than living a life without a romantic partner. In today's world, less people are dating and getting married now, and they seem to be more happy being single rather than being in romantic relationship with someone. Also, you're going to have a much deeper spoken understanding and connection with your best friend than you are with a romantic partner or spouse. So those are other reasons why romantic love isn't real or special, while platonic love is.

@@icysnow57cold64 So there are a couple of points you are making there. 1. of course platonic friendships are really important and you can connect to that person and it is wonderful. You can confide with them, do things together etc. The thing is, often times it is easier to tell your feelings to a 3. party, because you are not as afraid to get hurt/you are not as vulnerable in front of them as with your sexual partner. Of course you can have a wonderful friendship over many years and spend countless of hours together. But. For me at least, the most intimate relationship between humans is physical intimacy and intimacy in general. You do not have the Hormones flushed through your system with your platonic friend in the same way as you are having them in your system with your partner. It just is not designed that way. That is why you are more afraid and can more easily get hurt from your partner, especially because your partner also has a lot of vulnerabilities and gets hurt more easily. You can see, it needs a lot of communication, especially empathy is really important. That is often not the case. People get defensive really quickly and so forth, bringing emotions into their arguments hence causing a disconnect from the other person which can over time then lead to aleniation. From that aspect you can see that aline from how humans are designed „romance“ is inherent. More vulnerability is more potential to get hurt. 2. who says we are more happy than without a long term monogamous relationship? In the studies provided from today, we are seeing a RAPID rise in depression and unhappiness. While men are more likely to commit suicide, the rising of female suicide is far more than the rise of men. Additionally, women experience far far more depression and hence ssri and so on. Why are we so unhappy today? I argue that a few predominating factors can be counted in: stress, disconnect from the world because we are having less face to face interaction and are increasingly lonely and a major factor is promiscuity with lack of a deep personal bond. The last point i want to extrapolate. With the invention of contraceptives and the „empowerment“ of women the divorce rate increased at the same rate. Now, you can say that is even more of a reason a real romantic love doesn’t exist and in a sense unfortunately biology would not 100% support monogamy. The thing is, the more partners you have, the less pair bonding you can essentially do, the less you put emotions to physical intimacy. You basically block your emotions to protect yourself. That fact is important, because if you view statistics, when both partners before marriage are virgins, the success rate of a marriage is 80%. Id you have 5 partners before you have 30% success rate. You can see, because of promiscuity that is praised and the allowance of females to rise to their nature of hypergamy(essentially they are looking always for the best guys that are there and only date up, never down but are essentially still wanting to have a sole provider) that is now unleashed through the contraceptives and freedom of the woman we are seeing the sudden decrease of happy marriages. I think that is just an effect of these facts i mentioned. We have less people who are going into a relationship with no prior partners, thus they are basically already having emotional damage before they even marry. Thus, through our society we basically diminished love, which seems counter intuitive. In early days we didnt marry for love most of the time, but for what a marriage provided. The thing is, you didnt have experiences you could compare your previous relationship with. Now you are not content with what you do. In the past marriage came before love, now love has to come before marriage. When you are not even committing to one another before you are sharing the most intimate parts of yourself of course you would get damage and then default to just deny the fact that a deep personal bond with one romantic partner can be the most fulfilling part in your life if you found the right person. You never get betrayed by your enemy, always by your closest ones. You let your sexual partner even more into your personal life than your platonic friend, thereby you are set up for more hurt, thereby it is less likely to make amends because the potential for a hurt that cant be forgiven is so much higher. (Btw i didnt correct my grammar, but i think you can understand what i mean, too lazy)

@@julianrudert7779 Platonic relationships and romantic relationships may be two entirely different things, but that doesn't mean they are equal when it comes to the amount of love given in them. The love in platonic relationships seems to be way stronger than the love in romantic relationships is since platonic relationships are not fragile like romantic relationships are. Also, platonic relationships also seem to be a lot more intimate and comfortable than romantic relationships are. Platonic love is one of the most purest forms of love there is, while romantic love is one of the least purest forms of love there is. Most people seem to be a lot more comfortable around their platonic best friends than they are around their romantic partners or spouses. A platonic best friend is one of the best things you could ever have. A platonic best friend can be someone you trust the most, and they can be your confidant and coach. People tend to trust their platonic best friends more than their romantic partners, and that's a fact. The concept of romantic love and romantic relationships seems to mostly be a man-made thing.

GnosisMan50 she's saying this thing lol

thanks!

there are many couples that have options for open relationships and experiences with more people. it doesn't make their love less pure or inferior

Where is love in serial monogamy? You are together with someone until you are satisfied, and then discard your partner and go on dating apps looking for the next one. Is that not more consumeristic? Love is in your solidarity to your partner, your caring, your trust, your joint efforts, in the plans you have together for the future. It`s not at all in sexual exclusivity.

serial monogamy is promiscuous too, its just a socially accepted form of it and of "love". there's little love there

If you listen properly, you will see that this is all about love (without the bullshit)

@@rosieleat6868 exactly her point---when she says things like "honesty could be about protecting someone's standing" and describes a different basis for honesty [which is much deeper in my opinion] than what is typically passed off as "transparency". I think she speaks well of love, but she comes right out and states that love [alone] is a poor model for a lasting marriage. This woman REALLY knows her stuff!

corsican lulu I wonder what makes you so sure of what you don’t know.

awesome work from evidencehackers911 on Instagram, he helped me spy on my fiancee phone last week, now am sure he that he was cheating so i can make the right choice before our marriage. been cheated on really sucks,you can contact him to solve you problem of infidelity…

Some of us women, too.

@@laurasawicki4565 You're both idiots. I turn my back on both of you.

Martha H Gotcha. Good points.

lmfso really?

Do you mean.. "This thing" sounds like disding

Michael Jacobs thanks Michael!

Wow Michael! you really have an excellent ear… only a native English speaker can deduce the meaning of such a blurred Word. I wish I could understand English that well!!

David Traversa I've listened to about 30-40 hours of her speaking...I have Esther Experience...lol..

@@michaeljacobs4733 then what you think is the way of balancing the love and desire?