thank you so much again, for sharing your wonderful insights and honesty, highly appreciated. thanks for helping us spreading awareness, bless you always dear.

Thx for sharing your experience. I think it’s the best time ever to be born. So much to learn and experience. But I used to believe more along your view. I was more impolitic. & It’s kinda embarrassing now… I never wanted children or to even be near any lol.) But having my girls changed me and opened my heart to a whole new dimension of life. And it’s beautiful… even in the slum I live in .) 〰️➿➰😘

@@annapalcic9762 thank you for sharing your thoughts.

@@annapalcic9762 Thanks for your reply and the very best to you and your girls. What I'm asking of prospective parents today is a hard, honest look into the future prospects for any new child struggling to find a place in our current 8B, with 206,000 newcomers being born just today. The music has stopped and all the chairs are taken, unless you're "blessed" with unusual time and money to properly raise a healthy child. Stress R Us

@@StressRUs That’s a very solid idea that needs immediate attention. Children are not accessories. Being a parent is the most important job anyone can have. It needs to become more normal for everyone to believe that. Instead of what I’m seeing.. which is parents asking and expecting teachers to tell them what to do. That just makes me cringe. But anyway 🤗 I’m rambling. Haha it’s nice to do that sometimes.) Thanks for the freedback!! 〰️➿➰😘

I was able to do this without an apology from either of my parents .

I'm very inspired and my tears falling while reading your story and your determination to overcome this kind of hardship. Your journey to healing and self-discovery is truly inspirational. It takes huge bravery to break free from the cycle of addiction and sorrow that was ingrained in your upbringing. Being capable of to gain understanding and forgiveness without apologizing demonstrates your own growth as an individual. 💖 It's nice to hear that your grandparents were important in your life, providing the support and care you needed during those difficult moments. 👪 Your grandparents seemed to be an inspirational person, and it's wonderful that you have such a positive influence in your life. Remember that sharing your story not only helps you heal, but it also has the power to touch and inspire others who are experiencing the same challenges as you. Your courage and journey toward self-love and forgiveness demonstrate the power of the human spirit. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story; your strength shines brightly! I have so much respect and I salute you beautuiful soul 💫💕🙏✨

Whatttr???!!! Your mother tried to freakin DROWN YOU AS A BABY. Oh my Lord, I pray for peace and many blessings to come to you and healing for both you and your mom.

Thank you for taking the time to tell us about your journey. It's wonderful to hear how you trusted your intuition and found healing and growth. Our own intuition can be our best guide at times. Continue to believe in yourself, and may your future path be filled with even more happiness and growth.🌟

I really appreciate your honesty and openness while sharing your own experience. Reflecting on our past and the impact it has had on our life takes lots of bravery. It's clear that you've achieved a huge breakthrough by knowing your parents' love language. It's often a cycle passed down through generations, and it's heartening to see how you've chosen to break that cycle by transforming your anger, sadness, and resentment into gratitude and respect. This is a significant change that not only benefits you but also sets a good example for others. Thank you for sharing your story; I hope it inspires others to find their own way to healing and understanding. ❤️

Well done!

@@robynhope219 thanks as always 🙏✨💖

Providing parents, what they have learnt to be.

as Gabor says, not having your developmental needs met by your caregivers (love, attention, acceptance...to name a few) leads to various adaptations of maladaptive nature that interferes with your healthy approach to life. So when the parents get annoyed at at their adult children for using these adaptations in adult life with the phrases like "why cant u just get a trip on life?" is toxic and re-traumatizing. Yes, i understand they could only give what they were given, but you cant berate your child for the quality of your given, over and over again. Where is the accountability on their behalf?

Thank you so much for your kind words and for for taking the time watching the video! ❤️💖

Thank you for sharing your story and highlighting the importance of listening to children. Your son is lucky to have you as his advocate.

I'm deeply sorry to learn about your truly challenging and traumatic experience at such a young age. It takes tremendous guts to tell such a personal experience, and I salute yours. I'm happy to hear you're seeking the care and healing you need. Remember that you are not alone in your healing path, and there are others who care about your well-being. Your courage is impressive, and I wish you the best on your journey to recovery. You are in my prayers, and if you ever need to talk, please don't hesitate to reach out to us. I'm sending you my love and support. 💕🙏✨💖

@@yourinnerchildmatters Thank you very much. I'm so looking forward to it. 🫂🥰🌹

@@kellyhiggins1691 thank you so much too 💕🙏✨💖

thank you for watching ✨💖

Thank you for sharing the perspective you have. It is true that we can break the cycle of abuse by instead choosing love and understanding. It's a brave step forward toward healing and making the world a better place🌻💕🤗

@@yourinnerchildmatters that's sounds too idealistic...in most cases undoable... resentments are often hidden and will surface unexpectedly.

Wait...what? Such a "choice" is possible only if u had a lot of therapy and healing. You made that sound way too easy.

@@robynhope219 I hear you, but it most certainly was not easy. I've had a lifetime of pain and continue to have that pain to deal with, I was talking about how because we were treated like shit we can choose not to treat others that way.

💕🙏✨ thanks for sharing your thoughts 💕🙏✨

Thank you so much for taking the time to tell us about your experience. It takes a lot of courage to talk about our old scars, and you're not alone in feeling the impacts of childhood experiences as an adult. Remember that healing is a process, and it is never too late to begin working on your wounds. Our community is available for you if you ever want to discuss or share more. On your healing journey, Sending you lots of positive thoughts and virtual hugs,💖🌻💕🤗

@@yourinnerchildmatters wow. How kind of you to take the time to encourage.💞💞💞 Thank you for making this a place not only to learn but to share.🫶🏻

Julia- I’m the same. Dad died when I was 13 from colon cancer and there was NO discussion before, during or after.

Still haunted in my 70s...it never goes away, but the burdens get lighter.

@@robynhope219: Agree with you - it never goes away - there are days which are simply just a heavy load to bear - and days where you try to forget that whole bs.

Thank you so much for taking the time watching the video! ✨💖🙏

Your comment has touched me, and I would like to express my heartfelt sympathy for what your sister has been through. Learning about her long-term pain is heartbreaking. Please know that you are not alone in this, and your support for your sister is truly admirable. I can't imagine what it takes to be there for someone you care about during such a difficult time. Your kindness radiates through, and I'm sending you and your sister all the good vibes and strength I can. If there is anything we can do for you or if you need someone to talk to, please do not hesitate to reach out. I wish you and your sister strength, healing, and comfort, which you both deserve.

Thank you for sharing your personal experiences and views, which are surely valuable and relatable to many. "When the Body Says No," by Gabor Mate, provides great clarity on the problem you mentioned. Confronting a perpetrator or a parent who has inflicted harm is a risky effort because it opens the door to being wounded again if they are unable to meet our requirements for a genuine apology and a desire to make apologies. Your adult perspective resonates strongly, pointing out the significance of addressing the feelings caused by our parents' flaws or limitations. By turning inward and recognizing the impact on our own human development, we shift the focus from seeking external validation to reclaiming our true selves. It's encouraging to learn about your firsthand experience with your adult son, who found relief and healing by feeling heard and seen about his traumatic childhood memories. This transforming process frequently necessitates a step-by-step, moment-by-moment approach, and the help of a trauma-informed therapist can be helpful in this journey. Thank you for sharing your wisdom once more, and may your ongoing exploration and self-discovery lead to much more progress and healing.

i agree that the best way forward is to not oursource the support, Yet i feel we are social creatures and evolved in tribes, which means we had a village to meet a child's needs as well as adults needs. With this in mind if your parents refuse to honour your needs for love, safety and boundaries as well as making you seen by apologising and acklnowledging the impact of their parenting then they dont deserve to be in your presence any longer. The abuser more than likely will never have accountability so the best route maybe the legal route, if you feel seeing the justice served is what can help the healing.

@@yourinnerchildmatters I could approach my dad, who apologized, but not my mother. It's a case by case.

If you think it's a risk you don't have to confront them. But either way, the perpetrator is the perpetrator ! You must blame where the blame lies. At least in your mind and heart. If the parents are at fault then they are at fault. Don't bend the truth for them.

@@Polina-hn7hu Thank you for sharing your viewpoint. It's clear that you've given great thought to the value of support and the influence of one's upbringing. Your point of view about the need for love, safety, and boundaries is right on, and your comment regarding accountability is interesting. Everyone's journey to recovery is different, and going after justice through legal means can indeed be one of those paths. Remember, you deserve to be in a place where your needs are taken care of and you may heal. Take care.🌻💕🤗

❤️💖🙏

I feel very honored and delighted that Dr. Mate chose to share his family and himself as a child and young man with us. People who attached as children find, or imagine, a lot of communication and meaning in faces, probably because they read their mother's, and maybe father's, face. Perhaps you are tired of faces because of celebrity culture, or some other reason, but some of us who consider Dr. Mate a friend, if perhaps an imaginary one, enjoyed them very much.

thank you so much for watching !💕🤗

Thank you so much for your kind words and for for taking the time watching the video! ❤️💖

Yes. I understand this. I'm in the same situation as you. Only I'm in rehab for addiction issues. For the last two and half years I've been here learning about healing from Dr.Mate and others. He is helping me alot.

My pleasure!

You are absolutely correct. The intuitive sense of a mother can be very powerful, and it is important to trust it above all else. The pressures of society can be overpowering at times, but a mother knows what is best for her child. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us❤️💖

Thank you for your replies, and thank you once again for your informative thought provoking messages in your great videos.

Thank you very much for watching, thanks for your kind words, appreciated.

Glad it was helpful!

Glad it was helpful! thank you too

Thank you for taking the time to share your views and insights. You are correct; it can be very challenging for a mother to deal with her own trauma while still insuring the well-being of her children. It's a challenging path that demands a lot of courage and self-awareness. I'm sending you my support and understanding.💕.

Glad you enjoyed it!

You are completely correct. Trauma may affect anyone, at any age, and it is important to understand that the experiences of 'cool kids' do not define our worth. Your point of view is important as is your voice. 💙

No one really addresses how different the "cool kids" (of any age) think than everyone else, (would they ever watch a video like this?) (would you want to be one if you had a choice?) nor how early children are aware of exactly where everyone stands on the status ladder. And yes I think peers provide at least as much of the trauma today as parents do. My only question would be, "Are only already traumatized kids victimized by peer pressure?"

I'm very sorry to hear you've been having such a difficult time. Parenting may be really difficult, and it's normal to have moments of doubt and difficulty. I wish you strength and better days ahead.

@@yourinnerchildmatters oh, but not moments...we are talking YEARS. No love, no connection, no empathy. I gave birth to someone else’s kids...they’re just like my sociopathic ex.😢

I'm very sorry to hear about your family's painful experiences. It serves as a reminder of the need of instilling understanding and acceptance in our families. My heart and prayers are with you and your brother. Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope it can raise awareness and encourage more open conversations. Sending you and your family my best wishes. 💔🕊️ If anyone is going through something similar, please know that there is help and support available. 🙏

Thank you so much for watching, glad to hear it helps. ❤

How does it feel inside when you do that? You are both explaining away and excusing both of yours and your parents bad behaviour. Take account and own your mistakes as it's the only way through. Gabor is wrong here.

Thank you so much for taking the time watching the video and for sharing your insights! ✨💖🙏

💖🙏

💖🙏

thank you so much❤️💖

I'm sorry this happened to you, and hope you are doing better. I'm going through sort of a similar situation - the other way around, but with some different dynamics and problems. I won't talk to my mom ever again without proper admittance and an apology for all the pain she has caused (continues to and rejects) - which probably won't ever happen, but I know that this severance is painful beyond words. So you can safely say that you are greatly missed - even however irrationally expressed. I pulled out all of her photos of me and blasted them with a water pressuring machine. A hurtful behavior, but I have really tried my best to talk to her over the years in every different kind of way, honestly... Can't talk to someone who doesn't want to talk, and I suppose the same is true for you - you have to make sense of your own story... They are not responsible for you - it is the other way around. Your ex was responsible to you to some degree, and there is probably a lot of hurt there by feeling betrayed, especially if you had their best interest at heart. But boys will also grow to be men, so they have a tendency to side with men in order to feel safe in society. I have seen it in the most kind (but neurotic) mother, where the children blamed her and excused her abusive husband. Children express themselves irrationally towards parents when they feel hurt, and put responsibility on the person they need something from, who they think can provide it - or should be able to... "You were the one supposed to protect me..." (It's not all you are able to, right? But, in any case there are things people can do to be supportive regardless of the situation...) Even my mom acknowledges this underlying behavior in children, but she uses it as a defense to deflect from the focus on her own behavior, which I suppose is too painful in theory at least, because it doesn't feel like that when she continues to display opposite behavior and act like nothing, and just wants me to love her when she feels a need for it. That's not how a child should experience love... How you interpret what they express is your own story - unless you hear them completely out. One person has to take that initiative, and if the other doesn't respond with the same attitude afterwards, you have a broken connection, and need to fix it internally by yourself - by hearing them out completely, without loosing your integrity - you find your integrity first... So, you should work on your own story separate from this situation as well - because those words though absolutely untrue in a greater sense - put a weight on your heart, but words are just words... suffocated "Feeling sorry for" is a shield. You should feel sorry for yourself - and feel sorry that you couldn't be there for them the way they needed - that is truly feeling sorry for them - even if that was not possible at all for you at that time - because hopefully there should be a grief hiding beneath it all, and although painful - spring will hopefully come eventually if you let winter come. I wish you the best of luck!

@@steffenirgens7022 lovely post...thank you for sharing and caring.

I'm truly sorry to hear that you're dealing with such a challenging problem with your sons. It's painful when misunderstandings and misconceptions force a division between family members. Your empathy and willingness to fully understand them despite their assumptions demonstrate the depth of your love. Stay strong, and I hope that time and open communication can help you overcome the gap between you. 🌟❤️

thank you so much for sharing your advise, bless you

​@@yourinnerchildmatters my drive to fully understand is not to their benefit...they couldn't care less what I think.

🙏✨💖

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts about this topic and for taking the time watching the video!💖🙏

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Well said.😊

Thank you so much for taking the time watching the video and for sharing your insights! ✨💖🙏

Thank you for sharing your thoughts! It's so important to acknowledge the impact of parents' actions on their children, while also recognizing the responsibility of adult children to heal and overcome childhood trauma. Your comment adds valuable insight to the discussion. thanks again

correct! It's never too late to make positive changes and improve our relationships with our children. Every small action and word can make a big difference in building stronger connections.

thank you for sharing your insight about this topic, we appreciate it.

Focusing on blame and where it must be placed is a problem in itself. Not everyone focuses on that aspect. It is people who WANT someone to blame. People who haven't yet decided to let go.

Hurt people, hurt people (?) Though, I am really sorry for anything you might have suffered growing up.

Believing evil parents excist means you believing evil humans exist? I feel as if i have been wronged alot by my parents. Not because of evil intent, but because their own human and nurtured inability for love and connection. Being evil implies deep purpusefull directed harm. If i where to believe that was the intent of my parents it would imply me being a result of evil too. Imo no one is specifically against another, one is just looking out for themselves. Forgaving them helps me live my life more comfortably within my own skin and be accountable for my own unintended wrongdoings with the people i hold dear.

Agreed...my own parents never took responsibility for any harm they inflicted, nor did they ever apologize. Both chose to die when the shit hit the fan, and left me alone and struggling. In spite of that, I found peace bc I understand why they did what they did. I don't need to forgive.

💕

I'm very sorry to hear you're going through such a difficult time. You've gone through a lot, and I admire your determination for accepting the past, even when it's difficult. Keep in mind that healing takes time and is a very personal experience. While it may appear to be an uphill struggle right now, there is always hope that bridges may be built through time, understanding, and communication. Remember that people change, and there may come a moment when your sons are more open to hearing your point of view. Meanwhile, focus on self-care and surround yourself with people who love you for who you are today. You deserve happiness and peacefulness in your life, and I wish you the best of luck as you continue on your healing journey. I am Praying for you and your sons💫💕🙏

@@yourinnerchildmatters I am not a big believer in people changing...the brains of adults are pretty fixed. I am actually ok with the status quo.

Well, it better not be irreversible, unless they've inherited his logic also. I pray the kids wise up or life teaches them a bit of wisdom one day. You must respect yourself and all your efforts - you deserve better and to hold your head up high! You are doing your best for them, bless you!

@@Blue24Osprey I'm old now and both are in their 50s. My best was abandoning both sons. I had to do it to survive, thus, don't regret it. It's a long and convoluted story linked to generational trauma.

I'm sorry to hear about your experience at the specialist respiratory doctor's appointment, but it's wonderful that you were able to find humor in it despite the first shock. True, our bodies sometimes react in unexpected ways, and you seem to have handled it with grace and understanding. Thank you for sharing your experience, and I hope your future medical appointments go much more smoothly and comfortably. ❤️

@@yourinnerchildmatters Thank you, my therapist, said I have dark humour, I said I only have cold hard facts, if I don't make it humorous, I would end up probably in some hospital, we have to laugh , I'm sure that's what keeps me sane . Keep lifted

Thank you for bringing up such an important issue! Time-outs have been a hot topic in parenting, and there are alternatives that focus on nourishing a child's emotional development while addressing challenging behavior. It is not enough to simply leave the child alone; it is also necessary to discover positive ways to teach them. One option is 'Time-In.' This entails remaining with your child during difficult times and offering comfort and direction. It's an opportunity to assist them understand their emotions and learn to control them. You may help children develop important coping skills by offering support and addressing their emotions. Another method is 'Positive Discipline,' which promotes conversation, problem-solving, and clearly defined boundaries. It promotes open discussion with children, giving them the opportunity to express themselves while at the same time educating them about consequences and responsibility. Remember that each child is different, and what works best for them may differ. It is important that you match your parenting style to your child's specific needs and age. If your child's behavior is problematic, you should seek help from a pediatrician or a child psychologist. Parenting is a journey, and learning alongside our children is an is a part of that beautiful journey💕🙏✨💖

thank you for sharing your thoughts. 🙏✨💖

I think this is a case of Gabor Mate trying to soothe his own guilt for neglecting (possibly abusing?) his children. My parents were abusive, toxic narcissists who absolutely deserve blame and responsibility. And people say "oh, but it's a cycle. They had terrible parents too." I find that even worse. When someone has had horrible parents, then they know exactly what that experience does to the mind and wellbeing of a child (it destroys them.) It's really simple - if you have serious issues, don't have children. At least not until you've healed to a good degree. If you have serious issues and choose to have children, that is child abuse.

@@charlottetaylor4471 totally on the money! alas, ppl are too narcissistic and self serving.

​@@charlottetaylor4471what good has blaming your parents done for you?

Exactly. Blaming is part of the grief cycle, part of...so at some point in healing we move from blame to understanding and forgiveness. ​@@Thisisbailie

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I think i am almost there. What slowed my progress is the fact my father's abuse was sadistic and it feels as if he enjoyed abusing me, but when i realize how badly both parents suffered at the end of their lives, they got what they had coming.

thanks for watching!

Like being children of the Holocaust, or even the Grandchildren. It can be generational trauma, passed down from one generation to the next. I share that with Dr. Mate, though a generation removed but just the knowledge that my Great Grandparents and my Grandfather's siblings were murdered was enough to affect my Dad horribly and then us, his kids. We have a psychosis that manifests as anxiety and inability to be completely present and authentic to our own emotions. I became the caregiver in home health and a "Yes" person. Just now I am beginning to understand the power of saying "No" in my life as a way of gaining control in my life.

thanks for sharing your thoughts, appreciated much 💕🙏✨💖

Agreed...alas, I was only 19 and no one told me I shouldn't have children..it was an irresponsible accident...wasn't aware what happened to me, or didn't connect it to offspring...these things happen, and I am deeply sorry about it. I created deep pain in my two sons, and myself, which cannot be healed...only understood.

O, I am certain G was abusive to his children. Hungary is not a child loving place. He didn't mean to, I'm sure...on top of that, children can be extremely annoying to be around.

I agree for the most part, but I want to share some additional thoughts... You need blame to integrate and to realize that abuse is abuse. It is completely another thing if your parent was poor, and you were bullied because of it, or if they had ADHD and couldn't properly take care of you - but you were still loved. That is hurtful - not abuse. But guilt is a vicious cycle, and like someone else said here - you take a risk at being hurt again when you blame, and also - you set a condition to it by guilt, so in any case you are neglected because the affection does not come natural, which is what is most hurtful. I think accountability is more appropriate than blame, and I think that parents on a personal level should be forgiven when there is an admittance of guilt - or they are unable to because of severe mental illness. Then they are in a disadvantageous position, and should be felt sorry for. Absolutely not for people in an advantageous position, who hides behind a facade to protect their own self-interest - in the false name of forgiveness - that makes me really angry. My personal story... Still, even for the most vicious narcissist - they operate on a level of survival and repression, and society does not make it any easier with social paranoia - and I do think ultimately no one is to blame, but all of us. It is the history of humanity. We would be guilty of that as well, under the circumstances. I'm absolutely positive of that, however hard it might be to realize embodying personal suffering - accountability But that is another thing to your personal story... Your personal story needs healing too, and you need to be heard - not just told to forgive, and not "hearts. best wishes". That is not listening. At one point however - 1) You need to come to the realization that there was a responsible self, or you'll just become a victim to your circumstances, and 2) recognizing that the responsible self was too infantile to deal with the circumstances - thus realizing the infantile mind of the abuser. Then later acknowledging your pain, and then extending it to what the abuser has experienced - in a personal story of revelation. How did they feel? Otherwise, it will just be splitting - and it will feel horrible forever. The splitting ultimately only represents the deep personal hurt, but your story comes first - or else there is no one to tell that story, but the abuser... To conclude, I agree with you - as a responsible adult you should see the child in the abuser and correct them for the sake of the child that is hurting. There should absolutely be no arguments about that. It is common in trauma therapy to imagine a responsible adult stepping in. Imagine, the actual adult realizing their error - that is the biggest hurt - and if they do not admit it after receiving revelation of that hurt and correction - there is ultimately something very wrong with how they operate and they should be discarded and not excused. But unfortunately, for the most parts - the opposite is true.

Why should I be held guilty? What for?

I agree. Instead of an utopic world where every women get all the support they need when expecting the baby, how about just empowering people to admit their faults, recognize the damage they made, and seek repairing with the ones they hurt? Maybe it is a more realistic solution

Thank you for sharing your viewpoint. It's an interesting point of view when considering the impact of happy and well-balanced people on the world as a whole. Overpopulation is a difficult subject, and your perspective adds an additional aspect to the discussion. Let us continue learning about these concepts together. 😊

I agree. it is incredible how the solution of not having children still is such a taboo. It seems like anyone sugesting people not to have babies would be robbing them of their only right/power that no one should be able to take away... as if in todays society, having babies is the only true freedom a human being can have, and god forbid someone comes and sugests people have less babies...

@@manuelaborges9532 Elon Musk has 10 children and thinks we are facing a population deficit. The smartest man on earth...go figure!!

I hear you! Sometimes the moments we don't focus on are the ones that help us go forward.💪🌟

thanks for shring your thoughts 🙏✨💖

thank you so much for sharing your thoughts about this topic🌻💕

@@yourinnerchildmatters I hate to say it, but Mate is typical of parents who learn when they reach old age. Yet, it's still better late than never. He repeated the cycle of abuse and then as he got older realized what was happening.

@@gg_ingy of course!

thanks for watching and sharing your insights

Licensing parenting wouldn't help bc you could pass the tests and still turn out to be a lousy parent because you won't know in advance of having them how you will be triggered to do badly. Nature doesn't care as long as you breed.😢The smart ones don't have children, imo.

Thank you for taking the time to share what you think on this subject. Indeed, the area of psychology can be confusing and irritating at times, particularly when it comes to the issue of parental responsibility. It is important to hold open discussions like these in order to explore different points of view and work toward better solutions for everyone concerned. Let us continue this discussion with empathy and respect for one another's points of view.🙏✨💖