Thank you! I really appreciate this talk. My husband/partner of 25 years discarded me three months ago. I stood by him through cancer and chemo all last year. I’m having physical issues now and he’s gone. 😢 I will try to put these suggestions to work, even at age 74, will not give up.

The three states of being after a betrayal (confusion, worthlessness, and powerlessness) is so entirely spot on. My ex and I were together for 10 years and for 8 of those 10 years I'd ask him if he was happy or tell him he could always turn to me if he wasn't and he'd say he was incredibly happy. Then he started pulling away, not making time for me, hiding other women friends from me, emotionally cheating with them while refusing to acknowledge it as such when I didn't even know they existed but he could complain about me to them, stonewalling and breadcrumbing me, etc. Suddenly he was telling me he was never happy with me and he wasn't giving up any of these women even after they lashed out at me and in fact he cared more about protecting them than me. And I've focused a lot on his betrayal but honestly, I betrayed myself too. I betrayed myself when I chose to believe his lies that everything was ok and it was just my trauma blinding me when I knew the truth. I betrayed myself when I gave him chance after chance after chance to stop hurting me when he kept hurting me more and more. I betrayed myself when I denied my own intuition. I betrayed myself when I begged him to stop hurting me knowing he'd just hurt me more instead of ending it sooner. Finally I stopped betraying myself and walked away, but the confusion, worthlessness, and hopelessness were consuming me. I didn't understand how he could change so much or even know how much of it was him changing and how much of it was who he was all along that I didn't wanna accept or see. It confused me that this was how this person I had loved so deeply felt I deserved to be treated, and since I was basing my self worth at the time on how he treated me it made me feel utterly worthless. I blamed myself that I must've changed him; after all, he was blaming me so why shouldn't I? And I felt powerless in it all. The one thing I wanted, us back the way we were, was out of my hands. My two choices were stay and continue to be emotionally abused and cheated on, lied to, stonewalled breadcrumbed, and neglected or walk away. But even walking away didn't feel like reclaiming my power because I couldn't stop trying to fix the confusion. I couldn't stop wondering why I wasn't enough. I couldn't stop wondering what he was up to. And it really came down to basing my worth on him and blaming myself for his actions. And it took realizing he's damaged in ways that have nothing to do with me and that it's not a reflection on my worth to start to let go of that. But I still had to accept the ways I betrayed myself and the low self worth that caused me to do that. I had to start doing inner child work to tackle the programming I received from my family as a kid that had me believing I needed external validation and that I didn't inherently deserve it. And I'm not where I need to be yet but I'm slowly but surely healing... learning and believing that I deserve better, learning and believing that my worth is there and it comes from me alone and nobody else can take from it or define it, learning and believing that the only person whose thoughts or actions I'm responsible for is me. And none of this stops anyone else from betraying me in the future, but hopefully it stops me from betraying myself if they do.

Betrayal is never a mistake, it's always a choice

"let go of things you cannot change" "With betrayal, time does not heal, but what you choose to do with your time makes healing possible" May we all heal from the betrayal we encounter in our lives 🙌

I lost my partner after 22 years to betrayal and infidelity, I couldn't believe how much this person I thought I knew and loved was changing right before my eyes, I now understand this was simply her revealing her true self. I came from a really abusive family and my sister committed suicide when I was 16. I thought I'd never get over this betrayal and then I had the most amazing , self fulfilling , self affirming 4 years of my life This stopped me going on to kill myself and now , now I understand that all that love I was trying to spend on others , I need to spend on myself. One day I will choose to spend it again on another. Till then it's the me show.

Trying to make sense of something that didnt make sense was destroying me. When I let go , then I was able to heal. A fantastic explanation of betrayal.

Thank you❤️… And thank you for not mentioning forgiveness, I’m so tired of that.

I am 2 months out from the biggest betrayal of my life up to this point. I've been feeling like my life is upside down. I had no idea these people could possibly hurt me this bad and not feel anything about it. It's made it very difficult to look at anyone with trust.

THANK YOU. Grief work hasn’t worked for me to help me through my husband’s betrayal of our marriage. I’ve been stuck for over 2 years. This has vindicated my “selfish” behavior of putting my needs first to right my own boat. I have healed some but this gives me the reminder to keep on going and not let my husband’s choices destroy me and our children. Out of 1000+ videos I’ve watched and almost 2 years in individual counseling and one year in marital counseling… THIS. This is the best way to look at this experience. Thanks again.

“I ceased trying to make sense of something that did not make sense.” Thank you so much for this. I’ve been searching for accurate language to frame and label my situation. There is grief too. A loss of someone besides myself…but separating the grief from the betrayal feels like an important turning point. Much gratitude. 🙏

Realizing finally that betrayal was never about me, my worth or value…doesn’t mean you don’t grieve the loss of what you thought you had.

"Grief work may fall short of addressing the most important loss in betrayal - the loss of self." WOW! Thank you for bringing this truth to us, Holli. It will be my compass when I am in a sea of turbulent waters. 🙏

Congratulations Holli, you are exposing this hidden trauma to the light of day and millions will benefit.

Try a malignant narcissist for a family member followed by lots of other people who believed the abuser. Thank you for addressing these issues.

19 years ago, my wife cheated on me 3 months after our wedding. I filed for divorce immediately the pain was excruciating. We just moved into a new house. Had a great pool, beautiful private yard etc. I barely thought of this girl for the last 17 years or so. Then I learned her father passed away and google'd her learning. She's still living in the same house we bought together. Never re married..... When I saw her picture it was the first time I saw her face in 19 years , she looked the same as I remember and I was drawn to tears. Crazy how these emotions came back Like a tidal wave . I've been married to a wonderful woman who I love immensely for the last 17 years. I shouldn't still be crying over an ex who betrayed me, yet I am ...

I can't be the only one who has never recovered. My betrayal by my narcissistic sociopathic wife occurred in 2006. She swore she would destroy me, take away everything and everyone I loved, and cause me to kill myself. She nearly won. Had I not received custody of my 2 1/2-year-old son and 9-month-old daughter, I would have ended my life. Knowing how unstable she was (bipolar) and that she was an alcoholic, I fought with every drop of energy I had to ensure that my children were safe and not subjected to her cruelty, abuse, and neglect. My depression and anxiety are still alarming, my hair turned white, I quickly lost 60 pounds and then just as quickly gained a hundred+ pounds, and my physical health deteriorated until I became disabled. Besides taking my kids to school, their friend dates, doctor appointments, and grocery-errand shopping, I do not leave the house. I can't be around people and get crippling anxiety at just the thought of it. My ex-wife was correct about destroying me but she did not kill me.

This talk made my day by validating my feelings and experiences SO MUCH. Those who betrayed me are angry AT ME for seeing through them and calling them out on it. I’m the odd one out. Painful, compounded.

This struck a cord! I am still healing from betrayals_ siblings. The pain is enormous!! But I am learning to love and take care of myself first!

So well explained In nov 2022 my husband cheated on me while I was sick. Ever since I’ve experienced several forms of betrayal- employers, coworkers, friends, fake friends I used to be a trustful person but I’ve grown colder colder and isolating myself

"In order to begin healing from betrayal, we must turn inward. It is our work to understand ourselves, our work to make sense of our choices." I loved this talk because I understand the grief process well, but being wronged and betrayed has always confused me and made me feel stuck. This talk puts a whole new lens on things. Thank you.

Wow! Very helpful! Love that "Time does not heal, but it's what you do with your time that matters"

Confusion, Worthlessness, and Powerlessness - I've suffered these!

Very helpful and beautifully anchoring! (pun intended.) Thank you so much. There is so much depth to your words - you give me fresh hope not only for myself, with a ridiculous number of betrayals I'm recovering from, starting with my narcissistically bent-out-of-shape family, but also somehow you give me new hope for our wondrous but imperiled world. I just have a feeling that the more we humans can find the courage to do our inner work, the more peaceful and just the world can become.

It’s refreshing to hear truth rather than repackaged ideas and force fit treatments. It is immediately clear that Ms. Kenley has the personal experience, followed by professional experience, and research, to be a lantern for therapists and doctors to steer toward.

While watching this, my tears kept rolling down. Betrayal after 23 years of marriage brings devastation and immense pain to my soul. I needed answers to get out of the betrayal trauma. My husband never empathized nor comforted me when I break down countless times. You are right to say that the betrayer usually goes on in life as if nothing has happened before . I am always confused, angry and grieving what I have lost. Your sharing helps me refocused on what I need to do now-to right myself,and to get up from being capsized. Thank you so much for your pointers. Now I save this video to rewatch it over and over again as a reminder .

This brought me to tears. I've been living in betrayal since 2008. This was empowering, thank you! ❤️

Soooo interesting! Betrayal has played out throughout my life since childhood.

Great information about how betrayal is different from the loss of a loved one. Thanks for talking about it.

I had no idea what this Ted talk but it quickly became apparent that it was a message I needed to hear. Thank you for sharing your powerful story.

Lucky lady for having this clarity and being able to help others. Substantive, helpful TED talk.

Thank you for listing specific "action steps" for each of the states. Knowing the state is one thing, but what to do about it is another. You've given me hope.

Profound identification with this and the strategy for righting yourself is powerful. Not sure I have the energy though. A lifetime of work trashed, picked myself up hundreds of times, keep getting kicked down, getting tired.

“With betrayal time does not heal but what you choose to do with your time makes healing possible.” Amazing final words to a distinctive talk on betrayal… really worth checking and learning from.

Your talk is an answer to my prayers in helping me to heal from the betrayal of my 46 marriage to a narcissistic/ psychopathic man that no one sees. Mr. Nice guy alienated my grown children, 2 churches, and most of my family and friends from me. I have lost everyone and everything. I have been absolutely devastated for the past 2 years. I feel foolish that I didn't see the red flags or his manipulations. Yes, I've been working through grief, but it was not healing. As l've leaned upon God, I see the healing as you have described so eloquently. Thank you. I still struggle daily, but I am slowly moving forward. Again, thank you- Your message is spot on!

I just experience betrayal from a friend ( so i thought ) who lured my daughter in to betray me also. So recent and made me physically sick. After listening to you, I already feel a weight lifted from me. Amazing! I am done trying to figure out why and I feel empowered now to take care of ME ! A lifesaving video. Thank you so much 😇

This totally resonated with me. I've had genuine betrayals in my life, super serious ones. Very much appreciate that she said not all betrayals are from infidelity, as mine was not. She had me right up until the end… just hate ending it with ‘you can do it’ happy talk + bootstraps. If we're talking about severe trauma, not everybody can just bounce back in a year.

I just 'hapenened' to come across this video(I don't believe in coincidences..I believe I was 'offered' this answer..I believe in the interconnectedness of all things)...what a gently POWERFUL talk! I am so deeply sorry for the way you lost your Parents..one to the afterlife, one to a Nursing home...how their choices made you feel so lost, abandoned, and betrayed. I guess there is nothing like personal experience, to move us to 'research' answers..and how wonderful you found yours, and in doing so..have now found tools to help others! You certainly helped give ME understanding, & validation of my feelings today...I have Complex PTSD, & suffer with ME/Chronic Fatigue and Immune Dysfunction Syndrome....I believe that betrayal can make us physically ill..and your 'states of being' just make so much sense, & bring validation, that there is NOT something WRONG with us for feeling how we do...your work brings a new perspective towards healing........my heartfelt thanks.

Understanding the difference between grief and betrayal has opened my eyes to my personal circumstance. Thank you so much for this incredible and inspirational message.

This is timely But still not enough. I appreciate you giving this talk in light of all.the insight you've gained from your experiences, but it is still inadequate for me,having recently realized that I've lived an entire lifetime inbetrayal. I know now where all of my subverted anger has come from all these yrs. And I especially get why the people I loved & trusted the most behaved the way they did to the point of thoughtlessness. I have worked on ALL of the advice, the forgiveness, the Christianity, the self care, the insight into everyone else,the meditation & regular prayer. But what does a person do who has beem.betrayed (& knew it!) from.the age of 3 rd up until now, over & over & over? I complete all the steps but some betrayals are different than others. When they start at that age, they can't help but define you. I have gone on to forgive & even still love, and survived rt up.until now when I'm in the last stages of my time here. But that little child I was then is still there & she still cries. She has been given nothing to live & grow on. She should be dead by now; she's still down there starved & in pain. And I've made the effort to.help.everybody else get rt & seen.them.thru to the day they died. But I don't know what I can do to help that little kid now except to REMEMBER her & how no one else saw her. Bcs she deserves at least that much. I wish I could give her more.

I’ve heard many talks on betrayal, but this one opened a new element that has really opened me to healing! Parts opened up feelings I didn’t have words for; it gave me clarity and language. It gave me validation and worth of my feelings. Thank you so much for sharing this! You are truly a gift!

For everyone who has experienced betrayal, this is a must watch! thank you Holli!

Wow... i learned more, about betrayal & healing, in 18 MINUTES than i have my entire life [53 years]. knowing what i have been thinking & feeling is "common" (alleviates some of the shame i feel) & then given such simplistic answers (well, simplistic to me -- straight-forward, bullet points to "follow" is how my brain works best... esp when the betrayal has further impacted my neurodivergant functioning capabilities). This video actually gives me hope that it is possible to "recover"... thank you, so very much, Holli Kenley!!! 💖~reWow... i learned more, about betrayal & healing, in 18 MINUTES than i have my entire life [53 years]. knowing what i have been thinking & feeling is "common" (alleviates some of the shame i feel) & then given such simplistic answers (well, simplistic to me -- straight-forward, bullet points to "follow" is how my brain works best... esp when the betrayal has further impacted my neurodivergant functioning capabilities). This video actually gives me hope that it is possible to "recover"... thank you, so very much, Holli Kenley!!! 💖~re

WOW 😯 FINALLY THE MISSING PIECE IN WHY I FEEL LIKE I DO AFTER BETRAYAL TRAUMA!!!!! THANK YOU LOVELY LADY FOR THIS TRUTH TALK❤

Thank you for addressing this baffling and dark sadness that I could not give a name nor voice to. All was indifferent in my world. Betrayal and the ways defined by a loss of self us exactly right spot on. 👌 where have you been all my life ? Love and blessings appreciate 🙏 your courage and expert diagnosis.

Holli, woa! You have opened my mind to recognize that my first feelings of betrayal go back to over 40 years ago and have never really healed, while having additional betrayal situations. I have more understanding for myself and my thought processes because of your presentation. In the last few months I have recognized on my own that it is well past time to nurture and give to myself, to “find” myself. I am not sure I ever really knew myself, however. I am Looking forward to reading your books and telling my family and friends about them. Thank you, Holli.

This is so helpful! The betrayals in my life where I resolved the confusion, worthlessness, and powerlessness are indeed the ones that no longer pain me. I'm still working on reconciling a medical betrayal that will likely continue to harm me forever. The times I feel most at peace about it are when I view it as a tax on life. Some things are unfair and unfixable and awful. My power is in enjoying my life anyway! ❤

"Right your self up!" What a beautiful and strong image! Brilliant talk! Never thought of betrayal this way! Thank you so much for your insight! ❤❤❤

I cried through this. Because it of course surfaced all kinds I feelings. I see this woman wrote a book about daughters betrayed by their mothers. I was a mother betrayed by my daughter. She emotionally abused me and stole most of the money my husband left when he passed away in 2012. My daughter has never acknowledged what she did. We don’t speak about it. We don’t have a mother/daughter relationship anymore. She thinks she had a "bad enough" childhood and though I’ve racked my brain for years trying to figure out what I did, I’ve never come up with anything. She emotionally abused my only grandchild, my granddaughter, who is now grown and she destroyed that relationship too. Ten years later my life is a lonely, painful existence. The one thing that keeps me going is my granddaughter. We are very close. I think she needs to watch this for she too has been betrayed. By her mother and her narcissist father. This video speaks the truth but unfortunately it’s too late for me.

This is the most excellent understanding I have ever experienced. I now understand what I need to do with my journey to heal.

This is such an important talk and the first time I've ever seen it addressed in this way. Thank you for hopefully starting a discussion.

Beautifully put. Betrayal feels like that bit of poison in your system that never leaves. Some days it stings, others you dont feel it, but its always there.

What an excellent TEDx talk! Betrayal - the loss of self. This is a powerful and life changing talk. She is spot on, the healing work comes from going within ourselves.

Thank you for that. I think it was so beautifully said. It’s an awesome way to look at things not victimizing yourself, but using your circumstances to rise above into become a better person, which I believe we can all be every single day. Part of life is growing and growing is taking responsibility for your piece of the pie, holding your your head up high because life has a lot of lessons some are harder than others but I’m glad to be on this side of the fence.

While I didn’t realize this was what I was doing, it’s exactly what I’m doing to unravel betrayal. I was so hung up on how unfair it was to have to work so hard to heal from someone else’s terrible actions. While I continue battling the “it’s not fair” monster, I’ve learned a heck of a lot about myself through therapy and journaling and am a better version of myself. It’s made me even more aware about protecting the hearts of my loved ones and even strangers because I know how it feels to hurt so deeply. I had to find the lesson in this to not feel so rudderless, there had to be a reason to keep going. Betrayal could have easily turned me into a cold, bitter person but I nor my loved ones deserved that. At the end of the day what matters is that I was there for myself and others, at peace that my day was full of integrity and love. Something that helped me a lot that may be useful to another hurt soul is that I wrote letters to each emotion as if they were people. I wrote to pain, anxiety, hopelessness, love, anger, worthlessness, peace, gratitude, happiness, loss, sadness, and everything in between. It really got to the heart of how they connect. Betrayal is a huge wad of string that you have to twist and pull and flip to untangle. Holli is spot on that you have to make this all about you. Make your boundaries clear, know what your loved ones‘ boundaries are and respect them, ask for space when you need it (and don’t feel guilty!), and give yourself grace. Think often about what you’d say to a friend and say it to yourself. This is HARD and the only way to get to the other side is right through the middle. Those that truly love you will stand back with support at the ready and appreciate what you’re doing for the person they care so deeply for. You’re important, don’t ever forget that. When it comes down to brass tacks, you’re all you’ve got and I’ve learned that can be a wonderful thing. Best wishes to all the broken hearts out there. You are stronger than you think you are, but I sure wish your strength hadn’t been tested. ❤

What a clear insight into betrayal that truly resonated

I did not know how to explain or to understand my feelings when my husband told me that he wanted a divorce. Thanks to your insight and explanation, I now know and understand what I was feeling. Instead of divorce, I was able to negotiate a "legal separation" as I felt that I needed time to gather my thoughts and feelings. As it turned out, my husband and I have reconciled and we celebrated our getting back together by having a new commitment celebration with friends. That was 2 years ago. Even though life is better now than before, I still have this lingering feeling of distrust. Now that I understand that what I went through was not "grief", but "betrayal", I can heal myself. I had started to turn inward and then stopped. Now I will return to turning inward so that I can complete the process of healing. Thank you. Your presentation has been very helpful.

Hi Holly, I came to say thank you. Thank you so much for all the life you lived to get these words on the screen. I’m so grateful to hear your talk. I wept twice. Your story resonates so much with me. I won’t share a lot here, but I have support groups where I feel more comfy sharing openly. To say it vaguely, wow I needed to hear your story. Thank you a million times over. I love this concept. I think my inner child has been guiding me along this path a bit already, but to hear your clarity of understanding and conviction is VERY POWERFUL. Thank you thank you thank you!

So timely, many thanks!!

Thank you . Years of suffering ended by recognizing myself in those words . The pain was constant but doesn't have to be normal.

I've been doing this, recovering myself, but this is the first time I've had the feelings I'm going through explained.

This was phenomenal. 7 years after divorcing my cheating ex wife I still have not fully healed. I must focus inward and no longer focus on the past.

So powerful, Holli! Thank you for sharing your powerful story and helping us to recover by helping us to understand the difference. "Betrayal is the loss of self" WOW

Holli, you are amazing! Thank you for sharing your story. I actually did not know the story about your folks. It made me stop in my tracks and say "oh my". I just recently lost my brother to alcohol, he left an 18 year old daughter, a brother, sister, and mom. I can say there is a feeling of betrayal with his passing. Not sure why but listening to your talk made me feel better. Thanks again, Holli and cheers to your journey.

Thank you for your kindness in making this video. My entire life I have felt nothing but betrayal. It started with my parents. Endlessly downhill after that. My last girlfriend, a toxic abuser destroyed me. I loved her so much. Two years out, I still cry about her everyday. It's truly sinister missing and loving an abuser. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ grief model is based on someone processing their own death; then this has been inexplicably applied to those that have grief over losing someone else. It’s baffling b/c that’s clearly a very different situation.

It is so true, it is not our changing view of others that is so devastating, it is how it shakes our view of ourselves that is so painful. Thank you for your revolutionary realization and for sharing that with the world !

It took me so many years to learn to reclaim myself after that disastrous experience of betrayal. This beautiful video put a perfect notes to end my long journey of recovering myself. ❤❤ I love it 🎉🎉

Absolutely hit the nail on the head!!!!

Brilliant. Thank you…I needed this.

This was an incredible speech or talk!! Appreciate the powerful messaging and love the sailboat analogy!! ❤ I WILL RIGHT MYSELF AND RECOVER!!

This is brilliant.

Loved this ❤

Thank you, Dana for yet another inspiring talk. I love your clear, strong voice. 🌸🌷

Best healing message on betrayal that I have ever heard. Thank you so much. This is going to help me pivot from focusing on the external to internal work. 🙏🙏🙏

Within weeks of splitting from my X I learned he'd slept with 4 of the women from the yoga studio. I'd expect this from him. But I felt betrayed by the women. Yoga was like church for me, my safe place to heal, be a part of community. I could no longer set foot in that place without feeling nauseous or having a panic attack. I now see they did me a huge favor and do not grieve like I did. But I am still working on the betrayal and don't think I'll ever step foot in another yoga studio again.

Thank you Holli. This has helped me so much.

OMG what a life-changing message! TY

Wow! Thank you on the lesson of Betrayl.

Thanks Holli for this! This is indeed a life saver! I just experienced betrayal a few days ago and have been struggling with the trauma from it. You have truly encapsulated and concretized what one goes thru after betrayal. As they say it's easier to fight an enemy when you can actually see who, what and where that enemy is. It has been very difficult to tell someone what it's like being betrayed but thanks to you I just share with them this talk. I believe I can now begin to right myself up...let my healing start. You are a blessing! Dennis from PH. 🙏🌄

Exceptional. Profound. Original. Touching. Possessing graceful strength. Hope-giving. Thank you

Inspiring and uplifting. I loved your real-life examples about betrayal and how they relate to everyone who has experienced this form of loss. Thanks for the encouraging adive on how to heal from within! Loved your presentation!

That was wonderful! Uplifting and impactful! Thank you!

So incredibly powerful !

Nice analogy.

Thank you so much for this talk. So much of what you said resonated with me. I was trying to make sense of the betrayal I experienced recently and couldn't put it into words. Until I came across your talk, my mind was in a state of confusion. No more. I can regain my sense of self. I love your analogy of righting one's boat. Wishing you love, happiness and peace.❤🙏

Excellent explanation the feelings you have described is exactly what I had needed to understand the betrayal I felt from medical malpractice, loss of a job and business as a result of that, I have been grieving that loss and now am attempting to 'right myself' with help from talks like these. Thank you so very much,

Beautiful talk Holli! Loved it.

Amazing !!!! I got chills and could relate.

Amazing, amazing, amazing! I simply can't get enough!

This was very helpful and hopeful to me. Thank you so much.

Great Perspective! Thanks Holli! Can so relate to this!

Refreshing perspective with supporting longitudinal research. A beautiful analogy and personal story guide the audience through their own journey of recognition and healing. Way to go, Holli!

This talk was brilliant. Well presented, and made the fabulous insight of the betrayal of self. Life always has its storms and when we can recover ourselves from the betrayal of life, we are on the course of healing and connecting to truth and the divine. Thank you, Holli, for your openness and insights.

Brilliant, brilliant talk! So much wisdom and awareness I don't know where to begin. Sharing!!!

Loved the talk!! What a powerful perspective. Thanks for sharing Holli!

This is so validating.

Powerful. Thank you for this beautiful message of hope and healing.

So insightful. Thank you, thank you, Thank you!!!

Powerful message Holli - this is a very well constructed talk!

Thank you Holli, I need this horribly today,since I just found out my father'sbetrayal on me.