When I told him “ I love you “ he said “ I love me too “ guess I should have believed him.

The narc I knew told me once he wasn't attracted to men or women during the period when he completely withdrew sex from the situationship we had and I would ask a millions questions trying to understand what was happening. And since he kept his body looking like he was a calvin klein model and his body fat percentage and muscle growth is the most important thing in his life, when I asked him why put in so much effort to look so good if he didn't even want sex, he responded it was because he liked for other people to want him and for him to never give it to them, he couldn't even say it was for his partner to want him... And everytime I had sex with him I did feel like he was just masturbating with my body, he was never interested in my body as male would have been he would perform the learned steps to get to use me for what he wanted to get at that moment, and then he would always want to turn the lights off or closed his eyes, in 4 years I would always wonder why I never felt like he was making love with me and now I don't even remember what that feels like but I know I knew the difference at the beginning with him. The sexual issue is what made me understand that he indeed had NPD. Because what "normal" heterosexual male behaves like this?. I felt completely undesirable and I am def. Very mentally affected from that now and I myself was going to the gym 7 times a week and tanning and keeping up with appearance more than anything to be desirable for the narcissist but nothing ever worked he was always just interested in me coming over and admiring him.

... and I had been married to such a creation of a narcissist for 12 years! This is hard to endure. For me listening to Sam Vaknin is like doing a puzzle. All the fragments and pieces which I have not understood for so long are coming together and forming a picture wich is indeed disturbing and frightening to look at but in the other hand it helps me to heal. Now I have an idea on how to work on myself !! I would never and will never ever be a shared fantasy of a narcisisst!!

Virtual reality seems to be the norm for narcs. They put on their invisible VR glasses, and enter into this more vivid realm, new fantastical world. Then they know the new partner doesn't have their own VR glasses, so they have to work to draw them into it. Love bombing. Future promising fabulousness. They describe that beautiful new life so elaborately, you want it, too. Though you are rooted in reality, you close your eyes, following blindly to see if you can also dream so big. It's too good to not at least attempt this wonderful new life. But you get in there, then naturally open your eyes and see blackness. Their heart. It's dark, Dull, damp, dank. You want out. You can't see the exit. There's no light. Eventually you retrace your steps to how you got there. You're blindly going back to using your instincts, gut feelings, and know you can only trust you to get untangled from this fantastical imaginary place. I am free after 30 years. The narc went back to the woman he lived with just prior to our meeting. After 30 years, I guess she'd forgotten her experience in his dream. He's love bombing her, and telling my children he's in love. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Oh my gosh, yes. Power battle with the false self of the Narcissist.

As the wife of a narcissist, I totally agree with his analysis of the experience of sex with a narcissist. Thank you for articulating it so concisely and clearly. It’s validating to hear that this is a ‘thing’, and to understand the rational behind this horrible empty, soiled feeling that this kind of intimacy-less sex provokes.

Once he wrote in English on a steamy mirror after shower "I love you" (we both are Russians) just before I went to the bathroom. I had nearly took it as addressed to me. Now, thanks to Sam, I have no doubt that it was his moment of self-admiration.

Thank you, Sam. I was with the same man for 33 years, only on my own for 3 months. You are helping me very much

And you become like zombie in reality because one big part of you lives in that shared fantasy,but you can feel that you are now even physically depleted and you're going down...

This puts so much into perspective and now I understand why it always seems like he is competition with me for some reason

I was his reflection. He didn't like looking in actual mirrors. Now I feel like he was " wearing " me. Gives new meaning to " I've got you under my skin ". Thank you, Sam Vaknin, for years of teaching me valuable lessons.

I've literally started recording my ex narc because he would come up with such crazy things that never happened and of course I was to blame for his terrible behavior. I have found all of Pro. Vaknin's lectures on narcissism to be so helpful in my healing process!

Oh my god! I told him that he seemed to turn himself on.. he would only look at himself. Its still all coming together...

The part where you explain the sexuality of a narcissist and how he transforms himself into a female at one point so he can have sex with himself ... 🤯... fascinating. Knowing this now, it validates and helps make sense of some things from my experience

If you stay in the long circular argument long enough, it becomes very clear they are arguing with not you!!

I was raised by healthy parents and have a healthy husband. One year ago I left my ideal job of 3 years when the narcissist trio brown noses took over. Six of eight of my team left. I was the last to leave what was described as dark, toxic. Shocking that I am still on UKposts learning about these mean people one year later. Took me 6 months to get my energy back after 6 months of abuse. Then 6 more months to feel full joy, confident and myself.

This all makes so much sense, but it disturbs me to my core. 😖

Fucked up beyond all recognition

Why does everybody refer to their ex as "my narc"? I have never felt that way about my ex. He has always been "it" or "that guy". After I was discarded, I never said his name again and in a way he doesn't have a name anymore. I didn't even realize that during healing, I turned him into an object. And that's all he deserves. I'm not judging. I was just wondering why people make it more personal by referring to them that way.

I can’t express how beneficial this is to me.

That's why he always talks about gay men in our conversations. I thought its was quite strange. We were married heterosexuals. Why this man like to bring the conversation about gay men. I knew something wasn't right. Because I am straight. So talking about gay or lesbians will not come to my thoughts. And he doesn't like me to be myself.

I kid you not, after two months of lovebombing, when i had a call with my ex-partner, it felt like they do see my voice, my notions, my tone as coming from a stranger. We spend a really intense and emotionally positive time together the first couple of months, which fostered great trust and feelings of security and familiarity in me. Then, in a couple of weeks, i was replaced with a more dramatic and unstable source of supply, almost like the past events did not create any emotional backdrop for them. And i was just thunderstruck about the realization that no intimate and emotionally charged interconnection had been formed.

One thing my husband said was that he wished he could just be inside me all the time. It was not a term of endearment. It was very disturbing.

You make all the sense to me.....he used to even tell me at times that his mood was a reflection of mine....it was so hard to understand him....I was just there for services , supply, sex etc....once i would open my mouth for my own opinion he would explode especially when we had our business....yet he has no drivers license i made him get an ID because i told him unless we do this business my way I would not be putting my name on anything and thank god i listened to my my gut instincts because now he has over 15 lawsuits on him.....Dr. Vaknin Thank you so much for your videos and education I finally feel like my scrambled brain is finally coming undone.

Thank you Sam. I can't believe what I am hearing. I have better understanding of this condition and the way I can overcome my feelings for him is by saying to myself that if he could he would. He simply can't generate what is needed for a long term, realistic relationship. You and others have shed clear light on the mind of the cluster B. It explains everything and I no longer think it was something I could have done to make things better for me.

I could NEVER figure out, who to be, what to say, what to do, what to expect, he told me once, that he talks to me in his mind.. He would rage when he through the door because I wasn't how he expected me to be.. I had no idea untill I became educated by Professor, I lived it, but didn't know what I could do, he always knew what the plan was, how it would go, spring it on me like I should know already.. More than that? He would expound on pie in the sky ideas, out of the blue, and expect me to buy in to it, no matter how bizarre..wished to hell I could have read his mind like he expected, I could have saved myself lots of grief, in the short-term that is..

When he gets upset from me he directly tells me i am like his mother

I wonder if that is why my ex always told me we had done things together that we HAD not. Gone to movies, seen them at home, been here, been there. It was maddening to know I had not been there...or else he was cheating and misplaced her with me in his memory.

He shared his fantasy with me about our future marriage and big celebration. I wasn't fond of the idea, but he insisted, saying that he would be in a WHITE suit. He really was in love with himself.

Aah. This explains why my Mom goes on and on asking me questions then clenches and squeezes her eyes shut in contempt while she siphons off what she needs while I answer her. She circles back with same topic and has her own many renderings of the conversation that deploy put downs, text messages asking if she should send the police to my house for well checks, periods of childlike behavior where she tosses a blanket over her head while I speak, etc. My reply to the 'well check' text is a sent attachment of my latest well water inspection. Thank you, Sam your work has extreme insight. Especially the fact that this person is the anti-human.

True, It was not sex, it was violation. Short, agressive, egoistic behaviour. Like all his other behaviour. I never could find about this strange behaviour recording to "sex". He never wanted to touch me and at the same time he was secretly having sex(?) with about 12 former "girlfriends". Excesisly send message s about sex and sending foto's of their naked bodies. When i confronted him with that he said that i shouldnt be so angry or preocupied because "they were only fanaties" and or was the fault of his father. He kept seeing these whores and got rages and told me he wanted to kill me because i asked him why he still was seeing them secretly. "I am doing nóthing wrong!" He screamed... Mindblowing, Lucky at that time i had distanced myself enough to observe his behaviour in stead of absorb him and his behaviour. Delisional, perfectly discribed. Your explainations and descriptions fits him totally. Even more understandable that outsiders can't believe he has a public self and a (home) false self. Which he only showed in the house.

This information is so spot on! Especially the fantasy world and if you disagree or give your opinion- he literally asked me “what happened to my wife , who is this woman? “ yes he definitely wants to keep you in the shadow for sure !

Fascinating & yes, we never really ‘meet’ our narcissists. You give such effort & thought to your work, incredible!

The fantasy and what you are speaking about here reminds me of the movie sidekicks where the young man has a troubled/ traumatizing life and he resorts to day dreaming as chuck norris' "sidekick" as action heros on adventures. Fascinating!! Thanks for the video!! Bravo!

This is the greatest insight I have ever heard about my ex relationship. Thank you Sam for helping me understand my role as an internal rival to her false self. This explains everything. I often felt she was arguing with an imaginary father behind me. Now I get it.

This was fascinating. I always thought my ex was just bisexual but preferred hetero relationships, but his homosexual tendencies fit perfectly with the paradigm outlined here, down to the ways he'd express himself erotically (he loved to be seen, admired, adorned, exhibited). Interesting stuff.

This is the only channel that I came across that really gives an in-depth insight into how the Narc thinks.. heartbreaking and eye-opening.. I don;t think there is a word to explain how I feel about learning all of this

Maybe I’m the narcissist..my memory stinks. My ex narcissist had a memory like an elephant, he could remember even the most minute detail of every conversation we ever had..I swore he actually kept written notes.

To listen to Sam is truly a walk in a great educational journey. Welcome to a deep well of knowledge. You need a huge bucket and an infinite ability to want to learn.

You have really good topics and excellent perspectives on these things.

Imagine having this conversation over lunch with a normal person. Yikes!

even in buddhism they describe external world such as things and people as the object of the mind ...shocking similarity

worse of all not only your "disappearing" causes then contempt but at the same time paranoid ideas of abandonment will increase bcoz its..." of course " impossible that you /anyone can be that selfless(after all ,his mother wasnt either)they do fear this connection is a desired but impossible fantasy

This is another video (like, From Mommy-Partner To Fantasy And Back) that is like: Psychology of the Narcissist 101. Forms the perfect BASIS for future study of the (male) Narcissist! When I 1st heard of Sam Vaknin I purchased his book Malignant Self Love, and jumped into the deep end first, which was so very fascinating and I couldn't get enough of his videos! These 2 videos explain the very psychological basis of the WHY? that I needed (what basically creates the Narcissistic personality, in the first place)--simply expained! Thank You again, Sam Vaknin!

Absolutely! I could not put this into words before but this explains it all!

Thank you, Prof. Vaknin. It's a pleasure for me to listen to your videos, especially as a fellow psychologist: your expertise is thoroughly wide-ranging and you are able to synthesize highly complex theory and research (from Freud to Kernberg to Bromberg's 'self-states') in a way that is highly engaging and convincing. Forgive me, please, for a lengthy comment that I hope you will accept as an expression of enthusiasm and admiration from a colleague! This video in particular was of interest to me as I have a strong interest in the presentation of narcissistic traits in homosexuals: I have followed much of your material on homosexual narcissists for several years (on your Tripod site, your book, several videos on this topic) and agree with your assertion that homosexual relationships are (often) highly narcissistic and autoerotic affairs. Consider a patient of mine who freely admitted with no self-censoring: 'I would love to sleep with myself because I would know exactly what I wanted and would make myself feel amazing'. He also disclosed incest fantasies (especially around two male twins), masturbating to his own reflection and described speaking to his love interest as 'like speaking with a mirror'. It was shocking to me, even after years of reading Freud, to see such overt declarations of self-directed libido. In the video you mention the homosexual narcissist introjecting a female love interest so that he can successfully mate with himself. My question to you: Do you agree the same need for a feminine introject is true in homosexual relationships, for instance in Jungian terms through projecting the Anima onto a male partner and then taking that as an introject into phantasy? Or, might it function without the need for such a feminine introject in the homosexual case? In that case, what is the psychic layout? My instinct is that the presentation of highly narcissistic hetero- and homosexual patients differs slightly, but can defer only to your expertise on the topic given that very few clinicians or theorists are willing these days to discuss these topics scientifically.

Wow! Lacan DOES look EXACTLY.. it’s SCARY!!!!!!!! He looks exactly like your IDENTICAL twin. This is blowing my mind (that I do have 😉) That aside, thank you soo much for your work & contribution toward the arduous task of understanding this tough stuff in ourselves & others.

The sex was extremely odd. When the deed was done he would get up very quickly. It was as if he seemed quite guilty about the act of having sex with me. Very strange. The sex was passionless, lacked intimacy and very robotic. It was very boring too. I felt sorry for him.

what's interesting is the the first shared fantasy was that one my mother dragged me into, and after that, I dated men who did the same.

Thank you as always for your scholarly lecture. For the life of me I could never figure out this narcissist gender. But you have made a brilliant breakdown of what I read in your groundbreaking book “ Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited” page 179 Gender and the Narcissist and again on page 183 Homosexual and Transsexual Narcissist. This was like a Slow Rapid Firing Neurological Epiphany for me! I finally got it after reading it over and over again!

I think my narc was in that catagory.. i think he was with men and còuld have been with men. He married someone who is extremely small breasted. Or completely flat chested. And she personally asked him on the phone if one of his male freinds was his lover . I almost choked when i heard that . Sometimes we just dont know our partners at all .. we just live in the fantasy hoping they are the people we think they are . Sometimes we just want to hear the truth.. when the partners unmask themselves you still cant beleive it . Enjoy the fantasy for as long as ir lasts.

This makes so much sense now. Thank you for your brilliant insights and explanations. There is a french movie called “ Love Me If You Dare”. It was a movie he gave me as a gift. It illustrates a lot of this phenomenon, a glimpse into the narcissistic internal world.

Thank you Sam❤I will admit verbal fighting gives me a release in my being nothing else does. I allow my emotions to take over sometimes like Mom did to us and it feels good. No amount of physical exercise compares to it. Love you Sam, oh to be able to sit down with you someday and chat, one can dream. 💗

Thank you. Deeply and hard work!

That is fiscally tiring ,abuse and emotional nightmare. You can be suck in their bodies and you don't return with the narc. Im better off investing in a car.

So add to the delusional fantasyland the psychopath narcissist I divorced this year alcoholism He would constantly yell out that I mean nothing to him , I am nothing and worthless That There aren’t enough words to describe how much he hates me That I’m mistaken to even imply that I’m even a thought in his mind That he doesn’t cares about anything to do with me

Your videos are filled with valuable knowledge upon this subject... I'm starting to understand my last relationship, which I left. He wanted me keep our so called, relationship, and I had figured him out, and was dumbfounded that I allowed his behavior, and how awful I felt with myself. I had to admit, that I too, was so messed up! I'm still surprised by my behaviour, and am working on my doubts, fears, yet I ask myself, look in the mirror, and take responsibility for my own life, and work toward changing my own flaws. Your teaching is helpful, and needed for these trying times.

Oh my god, you do look just like Jacques Lacan!

Your are very funny,and intelligent great talk.🤣 as always.

When I told the ex narc I had figured him out & that I knew he was a narc & that he had just used me to make himself feel good he replied with 'sorry' no denial or acting confused about my accusation... Just 'sorry' that was his admission that I was correct in my opinion, I've never seen/spoken to him since...

Great explanation profesor.

thank you for explaining my life sam❤

T😊his advice is really good i have come across people like this good show thanks.

This video makes so much sense. They give up on reality

I understand every word you’re saying...Lived it for ten years unfortunately

Thank you Sam. That's all I can say

this has confirmed so many of my wonderings...wow.

He was sad coz he had put on some weight and I told him I dont love you only for your looks and his reply was but I do.. This concept that they sexualize themselves made no sense to me then when I was with my Ex N..After watching this video, I am shocked by this phenomenon..

Oh my God, this is happening on the global scale😢 Thank you Professor

Listening to Prof Vaknin, gives me the realization of what to be educated means! To know, have vivid understanding, able to articulate in words to a vast audience in ways they can understand and gain insight and healing from. This is marvelous! I will not compare this great man to Jesus, but it is how Jesus taught his followers to get deliverance from ignorance. Thank you sir

This was so lightening wow

"even brown out" ha! i love prof. sam vaknin! he not only helps me to understand this disorder... he cracks me!😃 aloha🌺 from kona, Hawaii

Your likeness with Jacques Lacan is unbelievable!!!

A lot of men like these on dating apps.

When you describe this phenomenon how the narcissist holds you at arms length and how he is unable to see how you grow and develope and change, and I guess I became more aware about this connection myself over the years, but it is as if you describe my mother and this one other person at the same time. (I actually started to write poems about this invisible wall feeling when I was 14 and my mother was in the same room while I was practically nonexistent). Oc they look completely different, but there are these strong parallels. I understand this better, but I´m not sure how I will go on. I try to talk with my child feelings (it´s not this complete switch, but it tugs at me and has the urge to talk through me since it came up towards the surface more and more), but it´s not easy. I´m glad for the moments when I can feel the anger towards my mother and that I could go off contact (that I understood that there is no other option) but mostly it feels more like lifting the lid of Pandora´s box 1mm. I could apply for the role of Pandora´s box in a movie, evth is stuffed inside and you can hear it rumble and mumble. XD

Best so far

I feel insane. He doesn’t stop chasing me. I constantly reject. But I think about him all the time. Even when I ignore his chasing.

The Hitchcock film Dalí collaborated on for the dream sequence was Spellbound. (I love your references to classic films!)

omg I looked up Lacan and laughed out loud. Ho. Lee. Sht! Identical!!! Its the glassss and the hair. Prof Vaknin also resembles young Dan Akroyd.

He has 3+ avatars in his 8 yr history in an RPG game -- in which 4+ partners were also enlisted as avatar spouses or friends. Former avid DnD player . . .

I was wondering how would you describe Mr. Bean? Does he have a normal personality?

Wow! Jacques Lacan!!! Very cool.

5:30 27:00 39:00 42:00 44:30 your feminity 46:30 he needs you to become a painting 55:00 absorption 1:21:55

This stuff is real! I have been married over 16 years and have been separated 11 years to date . It has gotten worst over the years since we are not physically together this is because she can tell me anything over the phone or text or email. We do not cam we just talk on the phone and very little texting we also send photos of each other and other objects . We argue sometimes because when I don't go along with her shared fantasies about money, traveling, divorce , remarrying and her secret cyber high status friends she will always say " Ok you will see" now 11 years has passed and I tease her and laugh at her we argue fuss and fight she hangs up. Sometimes I find myself being very disrespectful and angry towards her and it breaks my heart that she has mental issues and I don't want to leave her hanging so my strategy is this I tell her to get your high status friends that you claim loves you to pay for the divorce but this it never happens.

😮. Mind blowing

My narc told me he likes to look at himself with mirrors when having sex. That explains a lot

Yo! I can't stand reading books because I will remember the book as if the story actually happened to me. Like ptsd. I avoid reading any fictional books 🤔

39:00 when Sam pushes with his hand. That!! That is the hand signal for RUN. 😁 Run like HELL and don't look back. Know the Narcissist. Save yourself.

DEAR SAM VAKNIN, This isn’t supposed to contradict anything, but the secret life of Walter Mitty has actually been covered by some UKposts videos who claim it is displaying another dissociative disorder known as Maladaptive daydreaming(not in DSM yet) and its very rare, and can only begin in Childhood(can’t be learned as adult) and can often be a response to Trauma. I have this disorder, but ever since I was a teenager, the fantasies of my Daydreams are extremely narcissistic, which is why I do a lot of research in videos like these.( many narcissistic family members as well) for example I’m a violinist in real life, and in my daydreams I’m the BEST VIOLINIST whose ever graced the earth. And I need to pace and use my choice if music to trigger these daydreams... it’s not well researched yet, and I’m curious what you have to say about this... my theory is this condition is a particular form of DID and NPD, but this personality we take on when fantasize is the inner Narcissist and that’s where the dissociation comes in. It really is just like that movie... and I’m not bullshitting-IT FEELS JUST AS REAL AS REALITY, PERHAPS EVEN MORE- PLEASE TALK ABOUT THIS, IT NEEDS MORE COVERAGE... AND IM REALLY CURIOUS WHAT YOUD HAVE TO SAY ABOUT IT😁😁👍 thank you and keep up the videos please I just realized u talk about it a little bit, but can u still elaborate in another video based on what we know

I often wondered why it’d take so many pictures and until u explain this confabulation it makes sense. It took tens of thousands of pictures in a 7yr marriage bc it helps it to string together tins for it. Also

Thank you very much Sam and happy New year to you and to everyone. I would like to know if the narcissist embodied my femininity and internalized it for himself how do I get out of this you said that it was dangerous and not good if I stop being with the narcissist will the internalization an embodiment The narcissist did with my femininity will that stop and I will have my femininity back thank you I hope I explained it properly 🤷

Holy smokes! 😱 There’s a glitch in the matrix… You ARE Jacques Lacan. Identical twins 😎 …also, after watching dozens of your videos, I greatly appreciate everything you share about narcissism and all its related concepts. It’s interesting, thought provoking and in some cases outright frightening. 🙏🏻

my narc once told me a story about murders in Japan. victims are mistaken for virtual gaming avatars...

Loved The Secret Life of Walter Mitty in short story and movie form. Also loved classic film The Agony and the Ecstasy with Charlton Heston as Michelangelo / Rex Harrison as Pope!!! Two classics for my literary/film fantasy-driven life!!! My blind narcissist manipulated me to orgasm like an accountant using an adding machine! I also helped him pluck off back hairs the night before his walks resumed after early covid-19 strictures with his male Mentor/patron. Seems like a bit of preparational homosexual grooming to me. If you're just going to breakfast and on a walk together, why do you need your back hairs plucked . . . .?

All sounds really really creepy.

I have had to replay this incessantly as I'm having daydream tangent overload....

What do you think about the attention given to "learning to love yourself" (develop self love or esteem) or you can't love anyone else?

You are a gift to this world

yes.... schools should become much more aware of this personality disorder (catch them early on).... becoming much more rampant these days -- find them help before their own personality disorders become their own demise later on -- reactive systems in the US which are completely counterproductive

My God..! Lacan does look like him