Speech: 1 Charisma: 100 Luck: 100

“When I was 22 I got involved with the Russian mafia. Here’s how it happened....”- that, my friends, is how you start a story.

7 years and 50 million views later and it's now a movie! Congrats Bart krishneil

I took Russian in college for 4 semesters, I actually did learn a little bit. I had a classmate who went on a trip there, he said he got robbed by some little kids with a gun for cigarettes, and $5 and then afterwards they smoked the cigs they stole from him with him 😂 Then he and a friend got picked up by the police for pissing in the street, got put in the cop car and the cop was just like “meh each of you give me $20.” Then they drank vodka in the patrol car and the cop passed out. Sounds like an interesting place.

Florida man takes school trip to Russia and joins the Russian mafia and ends up becoming local legend, despite not knowing Russian.

This is the most Florida shit I’ve ever heard “Florida student joins mafia on field trip”

This was posted 6 years ago, today me and a buddy are getting hammered and going to watch it as a movie in theatres. Congrats Bert!!

The fact that this story is being made into a feature film, is just amazing.

Imagine he visits Russia again after all these years and he’s just walking down the street and hears someone scream “THE MACHINE” and boom it’s igor

I imagine Bert visiting Russia one day and getting to shake hands with Putin. Only to have Putin lean in and say "So I hear YOU'RE the Machine".

I think the fact that this is getting turned into a movie/having a sequel made of it is fucking awesome... This is gonna be a lotta fun...

An investment in knowledge pays the best interest."

bert: **loves his family and is extremely loyal to his wife and children** also bert: **joins the mafia**

I wonder if any of the Russian mob is watching this like, “ ah yes, the machine, cool dude”

I have hated on Bert and refused to hear this story. But now I'm double screening with The Machine on it's Netflix debut and Holy Moly. 54 million views? Okay Bert. You get props for that.

7 years ago, one incredible story blew up the Internet. Now it's a movie

This is what happens when you make a 1 intelligence, 10 charisma character

Bert: Lv1 Crook **says "I am the Machine"** Bert: Lv40 Mob boss

This is the first story I ever heard from Bert Kreischer and afterwards I hunted down any special or clip of him I could. The situations he gets himself into are pure gold.

"So close I could smell his morning cigarette"...This is a great storyteller. Can't wait for the movie.

Some old Russians are probably like “see comrades, he is real”

Imagine his daughters being like "uh dad theres a man named igor at the door asking for the machine!?"

A couple years later and he has a MOVIE, so glad to see how successful he became!

I like how he can't come up with jokes so he just has to live a crazy life and hope something wild happens so he can retell it ♥️♥️♥️

"Never learned a word" *but you learned the ones that mattered.*

This is probably the best tourism ad I've seen for Russia.

The Machine and Mark Hamill bringing this story to the big screen?? I'm in!

Watched "The Machine" in theaters (May 26th). It was absolutely hilarious, and this story still continues to make me laugh. 😂😂😂😂 Please do yourself a favor and go watch the film.

“Florida man robs train and joins Russian mafia during school field trip”

Somewhere in Russia, The Bratva is watching this screaming “THE MACHINE, THE MACHINE, THE MACHINE” and going shot for shot remembering the golden days of the machine!

Here rewatching to relive the glory after the movie trailer dropped. Congrats! I'm excited for it.

From comedy act to movie, what a great time to be alive!!!!

Him being shirtless added to his overall pretty “russian” looks i think.

All made sense when he said "I went to school at Florida State"

The fact this whole story is now being brought to the big sceen blows my mind still.

This is perhaps my favorite personal story from a comedian… just epic… the delivery felt like reminiscing with old friends

"Liberal Arts confidence" was the most underrated thing about the story.

As a Scottish person I can. Confirm that any language can be learned in days with the assistance of excessive alcohol.

The machine movie is so fun to watch, haven’t watched another movie like this for years, I really wish it makes another one

I've watched this over and over for years wishing that there would be a movie and today I almost pissed myself laughing when I seen the movie trailer for The Machine!!!!! Yes yes yes it's finally happening!!!!!

Bert is kinda like Groot “What’s your name?” “I am the Machine” “Ok, where are you from?” “I am the Machine”

"I'm learning the language my way, not with flashcards but by joining the mafia." Submersion the best way lol

I love, Bert! For some reason, this video over, took my telephone, as there was brainlessly scrolling through UKposts! Then, again, for absolutely no reason this video started playing. Thank you universe.

“Seven years ago, one incredible story blew up the internet.”

The machine is an urban legend where I grew up

"Do you have any idea what it's like to take a test and make up hieroglyphics?" *Cries into Mandarin Chinese homework*

The fact that this is getting a movie now is insane!

Thanks to UKposts’s algorithms seeing this for the first time. Will see this movie this week!

Best underrated quote "I learned the language not by flashcards and textbooks, but by joining the mafia"

Name: The Machine Strength:4 Perception:5 Endurance:8 Charisma:5 Intelligence:1 Agility:2 Luck:9

Seen this live in Glasgow the other day Bert topk the roof of the place.... The Machine..... Can't wait to see the Movie.

And the fact this is now a movie is insane

“I never learned a word” *starts speaking Russian less than a minute later*

One of the greatest comedic stories ever lived/told and now it's becoming cemented further into history with a movie 👌🏼🔥

This story/joke never get stale for me ...funny as hell every frickin time..lmbo😁

If he ever goes back to Russia, I can imagine Putin pulling him aside and saying, "It would be an honor to have a shot with the machine"

“i was in college longer than grunge music was around.” best. analogy. ever.

My favorite thing is his comfort with being out of his shirt. This is the opposite if shame. Bert thanks

Looking forward to the new movie!

Some dude:"IM THE MACHINE" Russian Gangsters: "HES THE MACHINE!"

In America, we have Laws In Russia they have Russia

i watched this video 5 years ago. and recently i watched the movie. Man this guy is a legend!!

I love Bert. This movie was every single bit as hysterical as I hoped. If you plan on going to see this movie, and you're taking anyone who is anywhere from simply "disliking" Bert to even as much as "meh" about Bert, leave them the hell home. They might chuckle, they might laugh, but they won't TRUELY appreciate it. If you love his comedy, you will love every minute of this movie. I have watched every special of Bert's. I've watched The Machine bit at least a dozen times. My son (22) and daughter (19) have been watching him with me for years (and I took both of them to see it with me of course). Hell, I made an NPC for our D&D campaign specifically based on "The Machine" as a character who is one of the absolute favorites of any NPC I've ever made. The flashbacks of the original bit were followed near-perfectly (I'd have to watch it again to see which parts were adjusted to fit in the film plot). The slight alterations to the original plot to fit with the current story were just crazy enough to blend in. I was prepared for the humor, but I was not prepared for the level of action going on. The fight scenes were like watching Jackie Chan or Samo Hung fight if they were a overweight, middle-aged man with a receding hairline who had no martial art skills but was REALLY well choreographed and/or had a stunt double. I also wasn't prepared for all the touching moments. Let's be real: no one has a "normal family" and Bert's comedy act points that fact out. So in this movie, it didn't even attempt to try and fluff it up to make it seem normal. Watching it with my now adult son and daughter a couple weeks before Father's Day (intentional???) was just icing on the cake. I would go see this again easily in a theater. I will buy this when it comes out so I can watch it whenever I want. It was every bit as hysterical as his standup routine which I still need to make some day. Machine, it was an honor to share popcorn with my kids during your movie.

When he said ☆○#👟, I felt that.

“They’ve alerted the police” panik “Don’t worry, I talk to police for both of us” kalm “He cracks a bottle of vodka” PANIK

i am genuinely in love with this and wish i heard about it sooner!! 😭

I love this story. I think about this story all the time now! Sure gets my mind clear! The Machine!!!

So what you're saying is if I want to become fluent in Japanese, I need to join the Yakuza

Since this video first hit the internet years back, I have always thought it was one of the funniest stories I've ever heard. I literally just saw the trailer for this movie about 20 minutes ago, and I swear, I am about as excited as one could possibly be to see this movie. Caaaaaaaaaaan't wait .

The fact they are making this a movie I can't wait

'Florida man robs self with Russian Mafi'

Moral of the story: confidence gets you everywhere, especially if you're in the business of making friends and not enemies.

I had never heard of this story or even of this comedian. But a movie is coming out, and now this came up on my youtube selection.

In America you follow the rules. In Russia the rules follow you.

this is THE florida man.

That's brilliant....loved it! That wud b the most awesome school/college trip EVER when ur still quite young...I'd have absolutely loved that happening at that time, in that scenario!

Damn Bert, that's the best movie I've seen in a very long time! Congratulations brother!

We can all admit this is not the first time you have watched it.

My boyfriends dad is in the Russian mafia. He’s heard of the machine😂

Just heard this tonight at your show in Minneapolis, great show, well done!

Sir Bert. I have to say thank you for the laughs. I was about to drink again due to the stress of losing my home. Almost forgot till I started typing. One day I'll be a comidean and I can buy the house back

Visits Russia again: Gets arrested: Officer: “so I heard...... YOUR THE MACHINE!!!!”

I can’t be the only one who wants to hear the other stories he has, like the pool hall scam and the boat theft.

ok, it's 2023. another year passes and still remain the best piece of comedy on the interent. see you in a year people

THEY MADE MOVIES FOR THIS OMFG. NEVER BEEN THIS EXCITED TO GO TO THE THEATRE. 😂😂😂😂😂

They should turn this story into a movie.

I once saw Bert with the Pope. Some guy turned to me and asked, "Hey, who is that guy standing next to The Machine?"

I'll always remember being introduced to Bert in rehab, it was a great gift to hang out and laugh together

Finally made into a movie ! ❤️

this is THE Florida man. let's show him some respect

Nobody: Duolingo sentences: _I am the machine_

Just saw the movie the other day and loved it. Will be going again…..

THE FACT THIS IS NOW A MOVIE IS AMAZING

I speak russian and when he said to the mafia “hi i work with cats” I was so confused because I didn’t know why he said that and I thought I had just forgotten the language.

"liberal arts confidence" im crying

“Igor i know what you said” “Good for you Machine” LOOOL, the fact that Igor probably didn’t know why he was so excited but just kinda rolled with it 😂

How have I never heard this story??? I love Rogan and all his cronies, and I've never heard "the machine." I feel as though I have brought shame to my family. This is perhaps one of the top five greatest stand-up stories I've ever heard. Bravo.

This man really just became an honorary member of the mob by being at 14th person in a class and accidentally saying IM THE MACHINE to some Russians absolute legend

He basically got adopted by the Russian mafia.

I've heard this same story - actually, I've seen this video maybe 5 times in 5 years and I laugh every single time like it's the 1st!!!!! Probably my favorite story!!!😊