Wow, this was incredibly authentic and vulnerable. I almost felt like I was spying on a father-son interaction that usually is behind closed doors in a private home... I absolutely love you two and all you are offering the world. Thank you!

It’s so incredibly wholesome seeing Gabor get teased by Daniel, I’m dying. :D This all makes me feel at peace with us all being imperfect people doing imperfect things, it’s beautiful beyond words.

Love the authenticity and the vulnerability of this talk. Oh Gosh! You both are admirable! Thank you for being you! 😍

I've read Dr. Mate book " When the Body Says No". I have chronic illness and am currently struggling with narcissistic family members. I'm looking forward to learn more from this since I cut contact with both of my parents for my own health and sanity. Glad to see son and father working together here.

I learned a lot about myself from Gabors talks but listening to Daniel and him here has given me great hope for my relationship with my sons who suffered because of my trauma thank you both so much ❤️

Beginning at 40:, it’s exactly what I’ve been thinking about. When we are not shown what we as children need we don’t know what our children need. We think we are going to do better but we actually don’t. We pass onto them our pains so we look to one another for healing. If we are lucky our children, as adults, will stick with us. I didn’t with my parents and it was worth it. Full circle is a beautiful thing. I hope this adult child and parent are in the stages of completing the circle. I played Paul Simon to my son....and of course his song “my momma loves me like a rock.” God bless your work. It’s very important for the times.

Daniels awareness of of his bodily nervous system reactions are so authentic and the key to taking responsibility and true opportunity for healing … so brave to face each other with such honesty since for me my relationship with my daughter is my most confrontive where I take everything sooo personally

Astounding how much our parents can screw us up - as a result of their own woundedness. Yes, my mother used to say the same thing to me: “Wait until YOU have children, then you’ll see!”, and I swore to myself that I would be a different parent if I ever had kids. And I was. But it was incredibly challenging and hard to NOT go to the default backhanded reactions and responses I was given as a child, to not continue with the aggression and abuse I had received. And at the same time I had to wrestle with my finally drawing boundaries with my parents at the age of 40. Having been brought up in a tyrannical, narcissistic, abusive, and completely dysfunctional household, in which early on I was thrown into having to play mother to my brother and my mother, having boundaries wasn’t a concept at all. On the contrary, I dealt with the guilt of that for many-many years. My brilliant, funny, artistic, sensitive brother started to drink as a teenager and hasn’t stopped since. I had something different in my internal architecture as a coping mechanism, defiance, rebellion, truth-telling in your face, etc., so alcoholism wasn’t an issue for me, luckily. Perfectionism, etc., is a different story. On a bad day, I feel I insane amounts of compassion for myself as a child, teenager, young adult, coz I wish I had a better set of parents till this day - and I’m 52 now. On a better day I extend that compassion to my parents for their own hardships growing up. At the same time I mourn this loss of “what it could have been for us and for my children, had we had a halfway normal family.

Daniel is clearly resentful and having a tough time, but he used the end to manipulate the audience into thinking it’s a good vibe. Gabor held it together but wow tough. Lot of issues Daniel is dealing with. Amazing the book made it into the world.

Magic of it is that it initially sounds like it's all bout them (Gabor and Daniel) until it dawns on me (very few minutes into the video) it's all bout us. So powerful, always. Gratitude, guys. B.

The two Matés baring their dirty laundry takes a lot of courage, honesty and vulnerability. Very helpful, if at times uncomfortable. Thanks.

This video demonstrates how brave these two men are. Rarely will anyone, anyone I know, who would put their feelings up front and witness and “ tamper” with them …for the benefit of others. I doubt that I will ever be that brave.

Never found something to the relationship between parents and ADULT children..-this is really good..

Gabor is "old world" European, mired in a particular despair and Daniel,the son, emerges from this but swims in the Euro North American material privledge. Interesting to see their struggles for wholeness(healing) and recognition within these historical locations.

I needed this Had massive anxiety over a fight I had with my mom and couldn’t sleep Watched this video and feel so much better

I am so grateful for the Mate family! Thank you guys for sharing such profound wisdom and experiences. The level of vulnerability is a remarkable display of courage too. THANK YOU SO MUCH 💝🙏

Thank you for this. The level of vulnerability is incredible.

Prof. Gabor Mate is a genius in his field. Only when Daniel will fully and truly except that, and stop trying to compete with this father genius, and only then the good vibes will really flourish. My opinion. Daniel is very smart for sure, but...sometimes one needs to accept the BIG difference between smart and genius. Bravo and thank you to Prof. Gabor Mate for being so real and open for us and our well being. And Thank you Dr. Daniel Mate for explaining exactly how it is and feels to grow up with traumatized parents, and how it affects the us. Sad. From my experience, I've learned that I don't really need an answer to every question I have. I have today, I do my best every day. That's all that matters. Can you undo the past? Not even a genius can. 😉 Love from Israel🌼

Thank you so much Daniel and Gabor for this......I can feel the prickles/electricity in the air between you at times and it reminds me of my relationship with my oldest. He is almost always in attack mode and is forgiving of anyone but me. I love him more than he'll ever admit to knowing but it has always been a difficult relationship at best and he is a functioning alcoholic which just adds more muck to the pot. 🙏💜

THANK YOU! For sharing this with the world in it's full transparency. This public workshop is so powerful due to the credibility of Dr. Gabor Mate and Daniel's perspective, (not at all to diminish his high intelligence, I only know of his father's work until watching and hearing Daniel's insights and experiences during this talk). My mother and I have had an estranged relationship for the majority of my fifty years of life. Dr. Mate's expert and respected perspective brought value for my understanding. I also related, appreciated, and saw my own validation and value reflected back to me in Daniel's intentional, passionate, intelligent, courageous, and transparent lens of perspective and experience. I am now able to see an ever so slight, opening for a different possibility and a new understanding in compassion for another, I hadn't seen before. THANK YOU!

Hurt people hurt people until we heal completely we will continue to hurt others

I found myself weeping at various moments here, and then curious as to why. I can't relate to any of the specific incidents, but it's likely I am mourning the loss of a chance to relate this way with my deceased parents. More than that, though, it's a gift to witness authentic and vulnerable interaction. I think my tears were joyful.

Lovely family. So aware, honest and connected. It touches me.

Watching Daniel and Gabor together is helpful to witness. Studying and hearing the stories Gabor has recounted about his experiences with his family increasingly recently with depth & with authenticity, now has a completeness to them seeing them side by side.

This is a total gift....to see you be humans side by side....respecting each others liberty....and connection....neither an either/or....but a both/and. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I will hold an open possibility of this towards my loved ones too.

Listening to the end Daniel seems to still have ego and anger issues in him I understand but have so much respect for Gabors lifetime work to help so many of us I hope Daniel finds peace in himself and within his relationship with his wonderful father

AFFIRMATIVE PRAYER: - I love myself - God is within, and all around - I am love, itself - I am freedom, itself - I am in love with my life - I am in love with myself - Joy fills me - I am joyful - My twin-flame and I are magnetized to each other; we belong together; we are destined to be with one another... - I am a money magnet - I am a miracle magnet - I am a love magnet - Every cell of my being vibrates at the frequency of perfect health

I feel deep admiration for Dr. Gabor Maté and compassion for having to manage these situations with his son and the emotional wounds his son has yet to heal. Grateful!

You two actually get it!! What a breath of fresh air! Thank you both for your humanness, AND your obvious mutual intent to pursue a supportive caring relationship with one another....in spite of the obvious challenges that present with all relationships with 'history' 😊

Thank you a million times!!!!

I've been waiting for another one of these. Thank you both 😁👏

I am very happy that you have made it possible for a wider audience to be able to see this. So thank you!

Absolutely- so difficult to not keep circling back to the past. Thank you for the important message to leave the former “roles” behind.

Gabors question about "Is it going to last or will we go back to default setting?" I instantly wanted to hug him for being brave enough to speak about his fear. It is not an "or" question. Its like training. You guys will go back to default from time to time on shitty days but you will get better in stepping out of it sooner. And some day it is probably just a few seconds so it will not have a big impact anymore

Thank you I long for this reunion 💞

Thank you for sharing your vulnerabilities, inner struggle, candid inner life of your thoughts, experience, emotions --- your process is a great example. Gabor's tenacity, 100% stability as a father, is so rare. Agapé

Mate Gabor’s words are so simple and so powerfully profound! I feel so fortunate to hear this talk!

You can tell Daniel still has a lot of resentment.

Thank you Daniel - this is the first UKposts I’ve watched and listened to that includes you - love the book and also gifted my son a copy -

I have been thinking about the words "responsibility" and "accountability" these past few days as I try to find the words to speak to my adult children (early 20s so still young). I was thinking of the practical necessities of personal responsibility but also our responsibility to each other as people and as family. I am finding it really hard to let go of the word "role" as I do believe I still have a role as guide and teacher wherever I can. Thank you both Gabor and Daniel x

Your father is a beautiful wise & humble man who has ( as we all ) - ‘ figured things out ‘ - all part of life’s course. RESPECT IS ESSENTIAL AS NO-ONE IS PERFECT ❕❕❕ SOMETIMES EGO IS THE MAIN FACTOR ❕❕❕

Groan-up for the good vibes. 😂. Great conversation, relationship awareness. Brilliant

Wow! I gained so much clarity into my relationship with my children through this workshop lecture. Thank you so much for your teachings❤

Thank you both so much... the responsibility you speak of also holds a lot of respect of both of you towards the other. A wonderful thing to witness... Thank you for your authenticity and for being so vulnerable!

Moving through being the "director" in our task of parent caregiver & hopefully loving healthy relationship of raising a healthy as possible response~able young adult ~to being the "advisor" ~( 90% time only when help is asked for !!!!)

I love it! And I have listened to all audio books so your voice, Daniel, is very familiar to me but it's so interesting to hear you in a much more interactive way... Suddenly you are a person and not just a voice 😅😆 Keep going guys, your work is healing!

‘This is simply beautiful’. Thank You Both for helping us see more clearly👏🏼. The internal struggles and conflicts we all experience at some point in life often feels emotionally exhausting. Disabling with pure frustration. It’s intensely difficult trying to form a healthy relationship that you didn’t attend to as well as you could or Wished you had.. Parenting while trying to make sense of a troubled past. We were; are all Children, developing through learned > habitual, defensive preservations. Digging deep, for ways to create good healthy habits that are conducive to inner peace and harmony. Respect 🙏🏼

Gabor, as always i love your efforts for lovely family relations as well as your mission bringing trauma awareness to us in a sincere and tender mode.Since years i follow your lectures and they are a precious gift for me in my personal development and family sensitiveness/tenderness. Love and gratitude 🌈 from Switzerland today

Thank you both for sharing your souls I'm sharing this with my husband and son They have alot of relationship issues that affect our family My prayer is they heal or get on the road to reconciliation And your truth telling is what so many need What a blessing Thank you again

An awesome gift to everyone is Gabor Mate

Amazing Yes when I stopped staying at my mom’s house - everything changed It was a choice to be with her at my own timing - Amazing thank you both - Family triggers are the way into the light ❤

Can’t wait for the book & book tour! ❤❤❤❤

Thx this was so helpful for me. Could emphatize with the feeling to be corrected by your father on minor issues just for the sake of using concepts in a superprecise way, or pointing out memories that didn't put you in the best light. I don't know if it was scripted or not but the last one, not Hammerstein but Porgy &Bess and than proving by Gershwin was the best example for me that roles are very difficult to break. Looking forward to more. ✨️

53:32 there’s a time for parenting AND THEN that function expires & a new relationship may or may not be formed. I like that.

Brilliant. Thank you. I am on #2 of the series and i so appreciate your willingness and vulnerability. I am pondering my responsibility and whether i've forgiven my mum. also, i've recognized my sister's pain as definitely similar but also not my pain. i also have an intention this thanksgiving when we are together to keep the "good vibes." thank you.

Thank u Daniel for ur beautiful vulnerable heart ☘️💕☘️being soooo brave an open hearted u make children all over the world relate to your pain and frustration 💛May u always shine thank u for you and your beautiful parents ☘️🕊☘️grace in full bloom 🍀

So great :D. I will read your book with joy

This is the real deal...and tough. Thank you, Daniel, for your honesty. Great to hear of growth real time...if we could all do this more freely....I wonder what your 3 astrology signs are...? Sun moon.rising. Agree, roles can become a trap. Parenting is a role with functions underneath...relationship is the healthy side. Healing happens when two people are working towards same goal. Having healthy love acceptance of self first and letting go of any control...easier said than done...Daniel you will understand after having your own kids and especially when You are 70____. Life teaches us so much...not all at once, but over time. Our lesson is to learn to love, accept and be kind allowing others to do the same and in their own pace. Monumental challenge. Love you both, carry on...

OMG I love it❤️

Daniel. Same looks, mannerisms, sense of humour as Robert Downey Jr. :) Beautiful dialogue.

It ain’t necessarily so. They wear their trauma on their sleeves…. The Jewish people are among the most traumatised on the earth alongside the American aboriginal people. Even at this level of intellectual capacity a 50 year old and his 80 year old father continue to trigger each other’s disregulated systems. In a less intellectual family system they would not be together as a family methinks. So wonderful that they coexist and produce such insights for one another and their world wide audience. Just loved watching this.

Thank you for sharing and trying so hard to heal . It’s very daring to be so exposed . There is love and triggering … and it will hurt at times . Humans are so complex and you reveal it so well , and one can see the Love above all the pain and hurt.

Thankyou so much you are both fabulous and have helped me understand so much ❤❤🦋🦋

You are so good .so well expressed .

Thank you so much for DOING the gift of what’s difficult. The gift to us is healing Outloud! The answer to the last question about ‘is this healing really going to last, or will we go back to default setting’? and the answer, ‘have faith, this is good, live in it.’ Is dynamic dynamic good! Again thank you

I want to see Gabor with his daughter.

Yes, give up the role. That momma bear is immense and forever & ever it does seem. Thank you.

It takes courage and humbleness and true bonding to care enough to talk and listen openly.

Thank you so much ....I have been working on me not to be mother but to generate an authentic relationship with my sons ...., We have a lot of problems to solve yet .thank you

The Mates are national treasures and I would vote for any or all of them for president in a heartbeat 🙏🏽

Thank you.

Love this. Thank you💜💛

For sure, revel in the successes Daniel. Make the body remember over and over again the changes that are happening. ( growing up, I moved around a lot, with different family members, and there wasn't much reminiscing that I could be included in. My memories now are spotty at best, and mostly negative) I could see Gabor's brain trying to persuade him that the positive outcomes might actually be a mirage. Quick sand under the feet. The change real and we all get to bear witness. Remember that your dad may have been having a feeling of free-fall at that moment. The fear is real. Never give up. Dig a deeper foundation. One simple dream that came to me a few years ago, was of myself just kneeling in wet sand and using a straight, flat piece of wood to to square off a level surface. Scraping up and down, side to side, over and over. I was creating a foundation from scratch, from the basics, which actually is where I remain today. There is so much that needs clearing away, and it will never be perfect. If there is any perfection, it is only in the attempt.

Here's another magic I see : my father recently passed away. For 3 years i've worked on appeasing my relationship to him. Not with him, since I did not see any willingness from him to be part of the process. And that's ok. As Daniel brilliantly puts it, taking responsibility is an exploration that involves nobody else but self. Is this liberating or what?

❤Wow! When I saw the title my first thought was MUST semd this to my adult children!!!

0:00 - 25:05 Son. Balancing attachment and authenticity. What responsibility means. 25:06 - 46:46 Father. From Role to Relationship. Responsibility. Choices. 1:01:16 Son. Superb end. Thank you.

Daniel, being in Musical Theater, I have often thought of raising a child as the rehearsals of a play. And then the play begins. The director now must sit in the audience. Yes, there are intermissions! Hmmm! What to do during them? (So excited, I have just come upon Gabor Mate, and now with Daniel. All new to me, and I'm gaining so much.)

Big fan of your work together on this topic. How can one attend your next event? Thank you again for taking on this important work. There are so many of us out there struggling to love one another but yes, our history Is just loaded with complexity, and there’s so much to discuss, discover, forgive, rise above, grow from and into ..so we can reunite.. thank you. ,

Lovely! Tysm for this perspective. ~Mama of 4 adult children who are now becoming my best friends…it’s a wonderful thing

Thank you both for a refreshing perspective on relationships. 😢The closer, the more complicated. How clear feelings become when our parents are not there any more to talk through things, many things. But generally I find if we would just listen instead of practising our reply while people are telling us things, less conflict might occur. I wish us all luck🍀

Thanks Daniel. It’s really helpful listening to you ❤🌺🌺👍🏻

Thank you so much 🎩🙏🤗

Thank you 🙏 ❤

Yes these talks are invaluable. But I sometimes think that sometimes it's just best to say nothing about an incident that triggers you in some shape or form as it can lead to the parent feeling as though they can't be they're authentic self. I am sure Gabor would have sent that email regardless if who was on the stage talking.sometimes as children we need to recognize that now as adults we are no longer the main focus of our parents lives. I know that Gabor has admitted to being a workaholic absent father with many hang ups and emotional issues of his own but he has tried to use those issues to help others and not to berate his son. I think and I don't mean be unkind to Daniel that one of his main issues with his adult relationship with his father in particular is that he feels that his father is more famous and has achieved more during his life time than Daniel himself has. There's an old saying that comparison's are odious . I think that they can also be very damaging to a person's own self esteem. It must be very hard for any chil born into a family where the parents are super famous and successful in the eyes of the world.

So true !I have experienced it and it’s a case ditto as my children are bright and I have to imbody it for them .

very interesting. at first I felt they should carry their private process away from a group of people who paid great money to be there…and, to whom the attention should be on. But as a online listener to their introductions, I had a choice to stay or leave and I stayed. I did learn the value of stepping outside of the ‘role’ of parent with my adult child and the resentments I feel when I believe that role is still an active one. Perhaps this shift of perception will make all the difference for me now. I grew up traumatized and as a mother and I wondered what kind of burden my daughter felt as a result . Thank you Daniel for acknowledging this aspect of being Gabor’s son.

Thank you Gabor and Daniel. Now l am initiating a healing process with my son due to your kindness of revealing you true selves. I am compelled to heal my trauma and also the trauma l created in him unknowingly. God bless you!! 1:01:44

Some people believe that they are special..more than others and at the same time they feel worthless within ..THE recipe to become bitter, resentful and even hateful... And to live life ful of rage..covered or expressed...

Some very thoughtful comments here. I happen to be a big jimmy Dore fan so I’ve listened to Daniel a lot. He’s a man with strong, passionate opinions (that I totally jive with) and I’ve often thought what different personalities he and his father have. Relationships are an evolving process. With my adult children there is now a deep, and certainly for me, joyful friendship. Neither of them have a desire for their own children. And because as a parent you never entirely stop worrying about your children, my worry is that they will never experience the pleasure of this type of bond with and adult child. However, bottom line, great discussion!

HE FUCKING ABUSED ME. I'm left to suffer, and he has a replacement. He replaced me in an instant. But is it really him that I miss? Or was the attention, the drama, the fun, the excitement, the feeling that I had a purpose, a best friend, a partner... Simply intoxicating? FUCKING HELL WAS IT EVER INTOXICATING! He's given me SEVERE PTSD. I have debilitating paralyzing daily panic attacks. He raped my soul. He used me while he needed me and then discarded me like garbage. My soul is raped. When he'd get mad/upset/hurt/whatever: he'd give me the silent treatment. REMINDER TO SELF: Reasons for narcissistic silent treatment: * Stonewalling * Gaslighting * Emotional immaturity * Abuse * Lack of interpersonal skill * Victimhood * Dysregulation * Avoidant attachment style * Doing to me, what was done to him * Terrified of conflict * Not knowing any other way * Fear/panic/anxiety/terror * Felling incapable/not good enough * Desperation * Deliberate disrespect * Soul contract * Mirroring * Unavailability * (c)PTSD * Power over * Regaining a (false) sense of control * Punishment But he never really cared about me. He used me and discarded me. Replaced me so easily. Is he her best friend now? Or maybe is there even more between them? The PTSD is unbearable. He raped my soul: brutally viciously violently maliciously. Every night: nightmares. Every day: panic attacks. I want to die. God, as I walk through this hell and heartache and grief, I pray you guide me and direct me and hold me and heal me... Please please please please please HEAL ME! Please.

Hi Daniel, learning a lot from your interaction! Thanks for your vulnerability (& humour) I have a question. 🙂 Imagine your parents didn’t accept your emotion, anger for example. It was not allowed in your family, so to not lose your attachment with them (and because of lack of co-regulation) you suppress your anger. You took it personally, giving meaning to it, for instance ‘I am not good enough’. This belief creates an emotion, let’s say sadness. To not feel that uncomfortable emotion you will compensate it with a coping mechanism, for instance pleasing to feel ‘good enough’. Later in life you are triggered on a certain moment in this belief, so also in the emotion that this belief created (the sadness in my example). The pain when you’re triggered is your perception of what happens, a negative belief, for instance ‘I am not good enough’. With awareness and regulation you could release the emotion which is triggered in your body, the sadness that was caused by this belief. But what about the ‘original’ emotion, the anger in this case? What actually is triggered later in life is the belief (which was created when you could not express your emotion as a child, the anger in this case). Is that correct? But what about the suppressed anger when you are triggered? How do we release the ‘original’ emotion? Or is the energy of that emotion only ‘accesible’ to feel through and release when we question and disprove the belief ‘I am not good enough’ (which we created in response to not being able to express your emotion, anger in this case)? Only afterwards there’s space to access and release that ‘orginal’ emotion? Many thanks 🙏🏽

I love you both and everyone that you love and that is probably all loving beings. Maybe it was 10 years ago I listened to Gabor on the net and thought Yess!!! This man knows what I am experiencing!! I am not alone and it all makes sense

Thank you! It's true that there's no absolute idealistic family who never quarrelled or fought. But it's also true that these conversations has to keep happening that the healings take place. Sometimes the healings could be instantly and at times it may take generations to to heal. Nonetheless, the mindfulness and empathy has to be practiced consciously unless it becomes a part of our unconscious/subconscious behaviour. Once again, thank you 🙂

It's both painful and hopeful to watch a child after all these years still screaming for his parent's love and acknowledgment. And only getting crumbs of it. However the hope in these cases, i think, is destructive. I wish Daniel and myself a parent within us that is capable of giving what we lost.

It’s not an irony but absolutely correct that unless dr Gabor had suffered so much and had a wish to mend with a huge sense of loss …. He could not have been such a huge healer/sensitive human 🙏

Can anyone help me clarify I’m a little confuse with what Daniel says here (fast forward to 54:34). He said he’s not there at the event to help healing Gabor’s trauma. He said it’s not his responsibility and nothing to do with him. but the purpose he’s there as he said is for “Himself , Us(🤨) , and the world/people”. So the world can be his responsibility? but not his dad ? So does that mean he empathize with people but not his dad ? 🤨 And also I think it is inconsiderate to say that your dad trauma is not your responsibility and nothing to do with you. Where is the empathy/love? I’m not saying you are suppose to do the work for him to heal (which is Gabor would not want clearly because of his ability to empathize and be compassionate to Daniel) but of course Daniel can simply be compassionate and helpful especially when in need. Be supportive with a healthy approach be there for him to help him cure his trauma. We’re not talking to an extend where Daniel neglect himself or anything like that. Again empathize be compassionate in a healthy way. Be compassionate toward his dad and also himself, resulting to a healthy balanced approach And Gabor’s respond to what Daniel said was its not his son’s role to do anything like that at all, Is he saying Daniel are not supposed to be loving/empathising toward him ? Not to feel others pain and be helpful ? Like a normal human being. And also at some point Gabor or any human need a little bit of help/care/love and there’s nothing wrong to expect that and deserve to receive it. Again not saying Gabor supposed to expect Daniel to neglect his life and be there for him that’s different, that’s no compassion/narcissistic from Gabor’s end obviously, but simply being able to empathize toward him and be helpful and compassionate like a human being, approach the whole situation in a healthy way. To be understanding that his dad have trauma and how can I be helpful to heal that, and that also mean Gabor receiving care and love from his son. As every human being deserve, And with Gabor having a support from his son it could be more functional for him to heal. Love is beyond Since this is a online platform just a disclaimer I respect,love and appreciate this two being a lot.

Daniel is hilarious!

Thx Daniel. My friends are my family. I'm learning how to ask for the stuff I never got from my toxic family of origin. It's weird, you don't have the vocabulary or the protocols to do that and you have to be patient with others learning the same skills.

I can feel the friction and then come back together. It’s like a yo-yo. These adult child relationships can never be ‘normal’

Daniel has learned so much from his father and mother listening to him is like a breath of fresh air I hope my sons listen to him