„Once you live with the answer, it means that you have to live with the consequences of knowing.“ - Wow… What a sentence. Words of wisdom.

Listening to her reminded me of my pain. Got teary eyed there for a bit.

The pain of being cheated is worst than anyone can imagine. Is the pain ever going to end?

“The actual gutting that can be experienced.” Yeah ..... the pain is so real, and is quite physical.

For me.....trust has completely disappeared never to return.

She really is the BEST at expressing herself on this and many relationship topics...in my professional opinion as someone who academically educated and trained therapists and psychologists , she is the gold standard for public information about these subjects. She talks about the right issues and does so beautifully. signed a PhD academic psychologist

I gave everything to my marriage and all of our kids in a combined family and after all that was cheated on. So to the question can it be healed? Much of what she says is correct, but I would add this. You have to keep the bar high if you have any chance at happiness. I spent 15 years working to make her happy on a daily basis. When the infidelity was revealed it was at that point about my happiness, not hers. I got married to find greater levels of happiness, not to be miserable. I sure as hell was not going to stay in a marriage where I was miserable. So I held the bar high to ensure my happiness. She failed at every turn, choosing to manipulate and deceive rather than being accountable and remorseful. So I kicked her out and was done. I think the people that get into chronic caustic marriage relationships don't draw the lines sharp enough. Keep the bar high for your own sanity. If they choose to repair at least you'll know it's legitimate.

One can argue that an emotional affair isn't as bad as a physical one, but it still stings all the same. The trust is gone, and may never come back if it's not addressed.

What makes cheating worse is lying, I went thru hell with my ex I knew what she was doing but it took me 2 weeks of solid ranting an raving before she finally decided to fess up. It was the worst time of my life, but for her to dig her heals in an lie just made me rage

This is really insightful for preparing oneself to enter a relationship with the person we will be with. Love is a skill, not a feeling. It starts with trust in oneself and our partner to receive trust. It takes guts and courage.

She is so spot on, the pain, grief, turmoil of when I get intrusive thoughts…flood me and bring me down like I have never felt. This shit sucks.. 😢

It’s just so painful knowing how much you have invested in a relationship and all of a sudden you get heartbroken by that same relationship...I just can’t seem to forget it every time I wake up or I see him it’s just feels like he’s still talking to her am still fighting to trust him 🤦‍♀️

I totally agree with her and this concept doesn't just apply to infidelity. I was a victim of sexual abuse as a teenager by several different people. One of them approached me as an adult and sincerely apologized for his behavior. We had a long talk. He didn't attempt to lie or make any excuses for his past behavior. It ended up being a healing experience. He is the only one who I have been able to forgive and not continue to hold bad feelings for. With him, it's almost like I have been able to let the experience go. Esther is right, to heal, the one who is at fault must acknowledge the responsibility.

Wow! "There are certain questions that are very important to have while the answers are better not to know". OMG That just spoke to my heart and spirit and everything. I have so many questions and curiosities but I really don't want to know the answers or details. I know for certain I'm better off without it. Many times those answers rip open wounds even more.

Amazing how every reaction she described as necessary after an affair (by the deceiver) is something I thought is necessary immediately after my ex told me about her affair. I recently thought that I simply expected a bit too much from a person, but I understand now - I would do it if I ever had one (not that I think of it as a possibility) . She is an ex because she lied and deceived for a long time after the affair, and simply did not try enough (if any at all).

The pain is very very difficult for me.. God helps me

I got goosebumps while listening to her. She understands that pain we had. If only I could send this to the cheater. But the thought of him not being able to understand this concept is already frustrating. Then this is the moment when we pick up the broken pieces and restore ourselves again, stronger than ever.

Esther, thank you. I felt compelled to write a comment to simply thank you for two reasons: 1. for acquiring this knowledge and 2. for sharing it.

There is a phrase she used in her book that strikes me. She says, some people have multiple marriage with the SAME person and when couples come to her after an infidelity she says to them, your first marriage is over, do you want to have another one? Powerful stuff. Infidelity can never be easy, I imagine. But difficult decisions must be made.

Her voice is so calming she truly makes it feel like things will be alright.

Everything she says is so true. Very good advise. Very helpful.

If he/she cheated once, there's always the fear its gonna be done again...The trust is broken...

Trust is like virginity. Once it’s lost it is gone forever.

Esther you are a glowing beauty. At first I looked at my situation like I was a victim, I had been attacked, I was living a lie. Then I spent a lot of time meditating and healing myself. I let go of my own ego. It was in control of me. I now live with my ego. We go back and forth haha. I now see that the mistakes we make do not define us. It is the choices we make in all the days that follow. How we think. Feel. Experience the world. If you are in danger in your relationship please leave. Do not let someone psychologically or physically abuse you. That person has their demons and you can't fit them. If someone has made a mistake that doesn't put you in danger then you can make it through if you both want to. Make sure you're at peace.

I love Esther Perel while I agree with everything she has said. From personal experience it's hard to get back with the person who didn't care enough about your feelings to hurt you so badly especially when you would have been the best spouse to them. I get it forgiving is easy, but it hard to trust or even see the person the same way again. Hence, the reason I will leave a cheating partner to heal sorry I can't deal with the mental trauma.

Get help folks. I lived with my wife’s affair in silence for twenty years, thinking it would finally go away. It didn’t, and now it has surfaced, and I am dealing with it all over again. And yes, it still hurts like it was yesterday. 😢

Amazing. This was amazing, thank you for your wisdom.

I d like to add here, that the size of your ego will play a huge part in being able to heal from being cheated on. If you have an oversized ego, it will come forward as a defense mechanism and blind you. It will distort the truth about the story you have lived, and the other persons character, and won't let you heal. You cannot just ignore your ego. You have to work on it, for it to move out of the way and let you think and feel with an open mind and heart for what it is that you should do. Regaining trust is very hard indeed, and you ll never get it back if everything is filtered by your ego. You have to see the other person for who they really are, and not what your ego decides, when it goes into survival mode.

Being cheated is worst then u can imagine 😭😭😭😭😭

This is so very helpful much needed now in my relationship

This is some of the most valuable advice on the subject matter.

I just found yor channel and really i am sooooo happy and lucky ! I admire you soooo much ! My respect from Greece

I think in the end you have to ask yourself is this relationship worth saving. You hit some good points, i think if you have a bf and no kids its easier to walk away then someone whos married. Good Luck, to everyone heart break is not easy!!!

"It is very important to not ask your partner to not bring it up because you can't tolerate feeling so bad for how bad you had made your partner feel." From expressing myself to her time and time again, she told me I'm emotionally abusive because it feels like I'm "hammering" her with what she's done. All I'm doing though is expressing myself and why I feel the way I feel. It is repetitive but I feel like there was never space made for it, instead it has pushed me away even further from wanting to express myself to her. I'm currently having so much trouble trusting my girlfriend it rips me apart almost every day. I feel like I can't even refer this video to her because she would just manipulate me even further into believing her lies. I literally have no clue what to believe. When I ask for reassurance, and she provides it, I feel like my heart and soul are getting burned by every word she says. She messed with my head so bad in just believing she wasn't doing anything. I don't even want the reassurance anymore. Everything could be a lie that comes out of her mouth (not saying everything is) but now I just question everything and it's mentally exhausting and straining. If you're reading this and are experiencing anything like this, you're not alone and I hope you make it through this.

I became curious and got interested watching your video when I found out that my husband cheated on me by his lies, specially when I've learned the whole definition of infidelity,seems everything is there.It hurts so much being cheated.Thanks madam Esther,well said!

Wow!!! I am so very impressed how you eloquently explained about betrayal in a relationship. Thank you . That’s just how I approached my relationship without going to a therapist . And it indeed saved our marriage. He felt my pain of being betrayed . Second chance when it happened was amazing. It saved our marriage. Thank you.

It’s happening to me right now. Easy to leave but hard to stay

Thank you so much your information was helpful. Thank you so much

Your work " The state of affairs " is an enlightening reading, a piece of art. Some, in this field, will certainly benefit from your enormous collections and see alternitive reality rather than them being "yes" idols and leading the distorted sick help-seekers up the garden path and plunging them further in base activites.

Powerful. Thank you. This is going to help me with my situation.

Esther,you saved my life

Once maybe but twice forget it there will be a 2nd an 3rd time and all that does it starts to break u. Not worth it i choose peace of mind over paranoia and stress

She is amazing! Very helpful!

Trust can never be healed after infidelity. Dont trust the people who say you need to forgive. That wont work. Not even for you. You have all the right to never forgive. People need to understand you are valuable.

In my case, the betraying party does not think it was wrong, and he admits that he will "lie every time" to avoid any conflict. So avoiding conflict and retaining his control of everything is more important than healing our relationship. I love this video, but it presupposes that each partner is committed to healing. Perel's insight and advice are wonderful.

I still have ptsd from 12 years ago when my marriage imploded

She is amazing!

If we begin to learn that we are going into a relationship as imperfect humans and are fallible enough to make mistakes we will be prepared. Cheating is not only sleeping with someone else, it is also finding emotional satisfaction with someone other than your partner over email and text messages or even just fantasizing about doing something with another person. Most of us have limited it to just having sex with people other than our partners. If we all search ourselves we would realize we have been or are guilty in one way or the other. In my opinion forgiveness is a decision and not a feeling and the first step to saying I won't bring the issue up again. Forgetting to me is the biggest decision since memories cannot be erased so easily.

The answer is NO. There is no need to elaborate the answer is NO. Even if you get back together it will always be there like a blood stain that never goes away. You can bleach the stain all day everyday but as soon as you shine a black light on it the stain is still there. So No it never goes away....

Always wise and extremely healing to listen to Esther. She teaches us how to value ourselves, our partners and our relationships. Many thanks for all this sharings.

Break's my heart every day. Left me lost and not wanting to live anymore.

One time was a dealbreaker for me

After having experienced extremely devastating infidelity and then trying to make it work years ago, I don't know why anyone would stay with a cheater in the long run. In the beginning, there is hurt, confusion, anger, etc. and you are trying to figure out what to do, what not to do, which path to take or not take, questioning yourself can I ever trust this person again, maybe this, maybe that, maybe there are children involved, etc., so you stay for now.....The person cheated on is doing never ending, heart wrenching mental gymnastics with their heart ripped out and bleeding in their hand.......The cheater has literally ripped your heart out and now you have to do all of emotional work to help heal what this cheater imposed on you.... and then try to figure out how & if you can or should emotionally heal with or without the cheater........If a cheater literally cut off your hand with a sword, would that be ok? No, it wouldn't and the person would be in jail....Then why is it ok for a cheater to literally tear a person's heart out and and think they can patch things up and/or you go through mental torture to fix a relationship that will rarely ever be cured?.....My advice is always walk away. Don't ever settle for this crap. Stop talking it out. Count your losses, get out and try to move forward. Of couse, it will be extremely hard and difficult. But don't ever give the cheater, who crushed your soul, your heart and your spirit, any more of your life and time. Be rid of them, be rid of the situation and free yourself once and for all. Get a fresh start in life again. A cheater is like a sinking ship. Once a ship starts sinking, it never sails the same again and most of the time those sinking ships just fall to the bottom of the ocean. That's where the cheater belongs, too!!......I wish someone had given me this advice when I was going through all of this sh*t and talked some sense into me to just WALK AWAY. We all make choices in life. The cheater clearly made a choice to go outside of the relationship. That's not what you signed up for.

This happened to me over 10 years ago. I'm still in the marriage but I have bad days. The only reason that I am still here is that she fought like hell to keep me. I can't say that saving the marriage was even the right thing to do but that is what we decided to do. Infidelity hurts everyone! I handled it OK since I'm not in JAIL!

I needed this. Thank you

My husband refused to talk about his affair. He didn’t want to answer questions he didn’t see the point even after I told him I needed to talk it out, ask questions, be reassured! So we are together but that intimacy I used to have with him is gone . He’s happy and I am pretending .

Communications is everything kids

It has been 19 years. I thought it would get better. This is no way to live. There were so many. It started when we were married 53 years ago. He wants me back. He wants to pretend nothing happened and I was always the love of his life. Ha- can’t do it. Have no place to go now.. Sad

A winner explanation 🌸

wonderfull point of wiew Esther ! I agree with it.

Cheated once - Shame on you. Cheated twice by the same person - Shame on me. I like Esther's last statement, "One person has an affair but two people are responsible for the creation and continuity of the relationship."

I have really enjoyed hearing your videos. However, one topic I haven't heard about is when a relationship fails after an affair. What's the process of healing and moving on? I'd love to hear your recommendation.

Wow, watching this made me break down. I hope this helps me.

I needed this😭😭😭

always trusted and believed my boyfriend is still the one and my life partner as i really want 2 kids but still nothing. one way i tried was taking every night some natural aphrodisiacs Spanish fly and it was absolutely great sex experience

Can someone please explain to me how you can continue to love someone who has cheated on you? The ultimate act of disrespect. I removed the toxic creature from my life at lightning speed.

Absolutely brilliant. Very wise words, spoken by an extremely intelligent, open-minded, wonderful and professional woman. Thank you. I just hope that BOTH parties (subject to the aftermath of an affair) listen very carefully to your wise words, but ESPECIALLY the 'guilty' person/wrong-doer, as the onus is ABSOLUTELY on them to put 100% effort back into their relationship (whether they like it or not!), to rebuild the trust. However, it is also (absolutely) a matter of principles and trust, as to whether the 'victim' accepts the 'guilty' person's whole-hearted 'redemption' or not. If I was to have my time again (depending on which exact point in time you were to go to), and it was just after I found out my wife had cheated - I (genuinely) personally think I would have thrown her out and walked away/started again, and found someone better, with more substance/value and ultimately, more worthy of me.

I love this. Thank you.

Esther Perel: "One person has an affair but two people are responsible for the creation and the continuity of their relationship." My warmest greetings from Athens, Greece... I adore you!

Not a chance that the Trust would or could ever return. What on this earth could be so great that I would waste another moment of my life in a tainted relationship by dealing with a person that is so low and classless that they seek to hurt the person they "supposedly" love in such a way. You can never undo that damage, your whole life will be spent wondering either why they did it or if and or when they are going to do it to you again. It's a choice to be faithful to another, a choice you make out of loving someone more then you love your own selfish desires. It's a choice not to risk what two have built, It's a choice not to risk bringing them home a disease from a stranger. It's a choice to act like an adult and not like a child and to either be grown enough to be open and honest with your wants and desires or at least honest enough to leave if you fall out of love with them before you run off and get down and dirty with someone else to "check your own feelings". They are all choices in life, Infidelity is a choice where one decides to put themselves and their needs above their partner with zero concern for them or their well being. Cheating is never an accident, it's not a mistake it's a choice. If that toxic cesspool you are speaking of is love then I would rather live my entire life alone and die single, then to deal with such a shallow, weak willed and small minded vile creature as my other half. I've been on the receiving end of someone else making that choice before. It did not or would matter none how long we were together or what we had built, the minute you wander out. You belong to the street from that point on. My only job at that point is figuring out if I need to wreck your entire life to ash or not. And that is your choice as well based on how you deal with your failure. I pride myself on being a man of my word, which is why I warn women from the very start of my Zero Tolerance Policy for Cheaters. If you cheat and come home right after and admit it before you so much as touch me again, you are out on the curb. Don't ever speak to me again in public or private, pack your shit and go. It's for your own safety. If you cheat and then lie about it and I catch you red handed, find out later or find out via third party. You can bet every red cent in your account that I am going to invest my time and cash flow into ruining both you and the affair partners life in such a Nuclear fashion that you and them will never live that down. Your work will know, your entire extended family will know, every social circle you are in will be torn apart with the fall out of being near you. I figure it like this, if you can't be enough of an adult to show someone you supposedly love enough respect to be honest with them. Then you don't deserve the right to be treated like an adult either. Because you never truly loved them to begin with. Play stupid games and win stupid prizes. I am fully aware that "no one is perfect", and that people are going to mess up and hurt you unintentionally. But I am also aware that infidelity is a choice. It's very different from oops I broke your favorite dish cause I lost my grip or shrunk your cloths by accident. And a very childish one at that. If you want to act like you are single then be an adult and stand on your own two feet and accept all the responsibilities of being single. But don't run around and act like a spoiled entitled child and expect the person you harm to forgive you. That is probably the worst level of entitlement out there. The world has no need for people that damage the word love by using it as a poison for selfish gains, it has enough problems already. I've met enough toxic vile creatures in this life to know that the only way to deal with them is to give them back what they offer you ten fold until they are so broken that they have to fight every moment to carry on. Then and only then we might be on even ground again.

Ugh. My ex did none of these things and that’s why it was so painful. The lying was the worst thing - feeling like our relationship wasn’t important to him, and me having to be the one to bring it up, worrying it wouldn’t be solved or he didn’t understand my pain. I stayed too long and he kept lying and finding cheating/emotionally cheating. I felt crazy and it made me act in ways I never imagined. Thank you for understanding this pain.

First Health you nailed it!

So well said! I'm a therapist and I have seen marriages heal when both people want that. A fellow therapist said to a couple, "Yes, the old marriage is dead. But you can build a new one with each other." Of course it takes two to do that. This is exactly what needs to be worked through as Esther Perel so wisely says!

i will never understand cheating....

I needed this.💛

Once trust is broken, it can never be heated!!! Once a cheater always a cheater!!!!

I wish & hope if I cud trust him again, even I want to trust him again but it seems impossible bcz single question scratches my heart that didn't he thought once before he cheat. My love & trust ws blind I think that's why it is still hurting me crossed my soul. Death is easier thn being cheated. 💔

This made me cry. I always ask questions and can't seem to stop and my partner gets annoyed and threatens to break up with me

My dad did it to my mom over and over again.It only served to strengthen my resolve to never go there.Its never worth the destruction it causes.

Thank you so much

It’s been 2 years and 10 months since I found out my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend at a party we went to. I read found the messages where they talked and laughed about me. We had just begun seeing each other. I’ve been able to not obsess about it because he loves me now and there’s mutual trust. But it still makes me sick when I remember it. Sometimes when we aren’t together I feel waves of hatred. I want to throw furniture, like I did when I read the messages. I’m happy but I still have to live with the overwhelming pangs of jealousy if I see a beautiful woman on the street and worry he might look at her. I don’t want to see it. I feel like I’m living with a ‘new’ person now, but the ‘old’ person is still around and haunts me ☹️

Not my trust. Once it's gone I'm walking away.

Thank you so helpful!! 😊

Many thanks ❤

we have both cheated, but during reconciliation it became clear that each time something was missing and we were each to blame. I haven’t lost my trust, Because I’ve learnt to ask is everything okay. When everything is okay there’s not a problem. But if there is something amiss it’s obvious that needs addressing. my ego certainly wasn’t impacted because I excepted that I had failed and didn’t check in to see if my partner was okay.

I an a marriage counselor: in my experience the answer is YES!! Also, there are many forms of infidelity that are not sexual or romantic.

Wow thanks so much helpful

You speak my mind thankyou

If I experienced infidelity by my partner that would be a deal breaker for me. While some marriages can be made whole again, most can't because the betraying partner is unwilling to do the hard work necessary to save the marriage. Denial only leaves the door open for more cheating.

I understand that many here would never forgive someone who cheated or restore trust. Stats say, from what I heard from this woman, is that 50% of people cheat, men and women. Which means that we are some of us in those relationships without knowing, of course, because no one discloses such information to new partners. If it was this easy, 50% of cheaters would be single and the rest in relationships, which isn't true. What she is brining to the table is a new way of understanding and building capacity for change. There are many things that can break the trust in a relationship that is terrible, not just cheating. And cheating doesn't mean having sex with someone either, it's all about the secrecy and lies and emotional involvement. It's complicated and it doesn't mean the same to every couple. 80% of the population is affected by infidelity. How do we repair that if we aren't willing to put the effort into it?! Esther is great because she's trying to help just that! Repair the broken world.

Wow, really powerful

Esther speaking to me again

My ex was having an affair, after the 1st acknowledge, she said she felt embarrassed for talking and meeting this guy on my back, and i gave her opportunity to "fix this", i changed, corrected most of my flaws that led to her lose interest. after 4 months found out she never cutted contact, she kept talking and meeting with him, now on his house... i dumped her, she says she regrets hurting me, but im sure she is not regret of having an affair with that other guy, because right after i left her, and she cried for being dumped, she is now having a sexual affair with that guy. This is how i know its impossible to accept her back, for her, the affair compensated. She will learn the lesson, but im not waiting for her, she already destroyed my faith on woman's...

There is the cheater, the womanizer and the sex addict. It’s important to know the difference. It will help with the decision to stay or flee. Knowing what I know, I would not waste my time with the last two.

This is so on the point it is almost unreal. In my case (and my partners, hers) it wasnt about infidelity per se, but rather about lying... but the trust was broken fully nevertheless. What i needed to hear months ago, was exactly this video. If I did, i could have done more to save our relationship. Without the right knowledge though, i wasnt able to support my betrayed partner enough. And now, there is just so big gap between us that building a bridge just seems impossible.

very well explained. deep inside, i am miserable and very difficult to accept.. in due time maybe..

If Trust is broken .... Quick fix!! Move on •

I’m trying really hard to move on from my husband’s emotional affair. I feel stuck! I want to trust him again and he is doing everything he knows to help me trust him again. Still I have moments that I break down & my anxiety goes through the roof. I find myself wanting to desperately run away from our home, him & even myself....my emotions. I feel lost at times. I love my husband.....Help!!! When will I ever feel whole again?

So true about the questions, i never asked and obviously it was a good thing becuz i thought that very thing, is the answer going to hurt me further, it probably wud have, not that i stayed with them.

She's very beautiful and kind