Yes and no. You bear some responsibility for how others feel. The world is full of callous people (aka authentic arseholes) who have not developed their empathy abilities. Nevertheless, if you’ve checked and reflected to the best of your abilities, stand-up for what you believe to be right and don’t be a doormat. Be a iron fist in a velvet glove. As for love… that’s not guaranteed if you’re authentic. Nobody likes, let alone love, someone who is not like them.

Love this ❤️

Powerful

That is so beautifully said,thank you

That is really beautifully explained. Glad you can let it in.

The Fransiscan priest and author Richard Rohr wrote that when you are in the presence of a true elder - not just an old person, but an elder - they will give off the feeling of “bright sadness”. I think that definitely applies to Dr. Mate.

Me too ! It’s so clear ! We need to become our true selves to live and change our world !

Same

He’s beautiful ❤

Thank you for sharing your experience. What you say resonates. But this happens only if truth you know inside of you and half-truths presented are blurred. One of those half-truths presented to us and unconsciously became our false goal of life is "Being free" "Finding peace" The day you realize this is false objective you will be yourself. Take a diary and write down, what do I want for myself? Why do I want it? How do I appreciate myself and reward myself instead of craving for being in good books of others? Why do I want to be a good person? What does goodness mean to myself and how and why is it different for others? To whose appreciation I should be craving for if not ppl around me? Who made me? Did I thank and appreciate and reciprocate enough the One who gave me life,nurtured me and will cause My Death and Bring me back to life again...? Try answering these questions...you are set to discovering yourself who you are for yourself and you will eventually find that "Harmony" of Nature with Creator inside of you.

I'm like this , all life worked very hard to get liked by everyone. Here I'm watching trauma videos as a housebound disabled woman , with failed marriage with most whimsical person I ever met and my parents and brother leaving me on my own with abusive husband. They still don't think I'm worth saving from all this. Still I won't confront them as I fear to lose them , may be I already lost them. Still my mom not happy how I turned out.

How brave of you --your peace is your responsibility- how wonderful you chose you❣️👌🏼

@@ingridrajithskysong5369 Thanks Ingrid. I appreciate your kindness. It really wasn't bravery though. It was the need for sanity, for peace, for rest, for a life of possibility instead of constant painful chaos. I wouldn't wish the circumstances on anyone and will always wish it could have been different. The things that helped? Good therapy, a good husband and no contact. The answers came with time and with faith in the journey....tough stuff for someone taught not to trust their own answers, but in the end there was really little choice. Blessings to you and all those who struggle with hard decisions.

Good luck in life if you have to remember that

@@RanOvaT good luck in life with this stinking attitude

@@RanOvaT i'd say that's most of us

Yes and not being a playball of people's judgments or fear to be abandoned when I set a boundary or choose a break / personal space.

Its a long process, few steps forward, few back, good days, bad days, good weeks bad weeks. But, I have noticed change and development which I am encouraged by. It is a conscious process and you have to fight not to fall back into old patterns. These old patterns had their logic in their time, but are now inappropriate and unnecessary, we are safe to change and grow now. The mean bastards that abused us are either dead or old and have been cut down to size by life.

@Jim rich you might find the work of Robert Fritz and how to think about structural tension (creative process) and structural conflict (what keeps us oscillating) useful. It was a game changer for me!

As much as I love Dr. Gabor Maté for his much needed call for the acceptance of our emotions and authenticity, I disagree with the message presented this video*. I believe adult human beings, while not needing attachment to others like children do to survive, nonetheless do need it to some degree, especially to thrive. We need to balance it with our need for authenticity. It is damaging to disregard that need for both, or to treat one as a flaw that should not be present in an adult human. The question is not simply a choice between ourselves and the other person, but between ourselves, the importance of the attachment to us at that current time, and the other person. I have been a very authenticity-driven person for the majority of my life and before I realised it was the loss of attachments in the pursuit of total authenticity that was causing me massive trauma, I had a pain that I could not solve. Of course then learning how to deal with people in a balanced way and not people-please was also a struggle, so I recognise and empathise heavily with what you are feeling and your hopes. I also used therapy as one tool of many to help me learn about skills or ideas I may not otherwise have had. The UKpostsr Ana Psychology, a psychologist-in-training, has a video titled "4 Signs of Immaturity + How to Cultivate Maturity", in which she presents the results of up-to-date psychology research. In the first sign, she brings up that the best way to deal with attention-seeking in oneself behaviour is to find a good, stable support group. In the third sign, she brings up that another important sign of maturity is being able to consider other's feelings and thoughts after we consider our own. I understand the first sign as speaking to our need to have attachments in our life for our own health and those around us, while the third sign speaks to the need for acknowledgment of self AND others in order for our relationships to be stable and fulfilling, even if we are leaving them. Mainly your comment struck me, @JIM RICH, because it reminded me of my thought process when I was trying to lose weight. I would frequently slide back to unhealthy food behaviour. What happened was that I was putting myself onto too restrictive diets. While over time I learned that I would binge less if I let myself have "the forbidden foods", I still had trouble maintaining a calorie deficit until I learned that I had to ADD more protein and fiber to my diet rather than try to just stick to the kcal number. After upping the protein and fiber, I found that I didn't reach for non-nutritious foods as often, and the kilograms shed off quickly even as I stopped calorie counting. I don't think much about food anymore compared to how I used to. What I want to ask, as one internet stranger to another (so feel free to completely disregard :P), is for you to consider that if you are constantly sliding back into behaviour you do not want to engage in, if it may not be time to research new, more nuanced paths and switch up your methodology instead of bouncing between two extreme options. Please take care, and I wish you the best of luck in your life journey. *I am aware that I may be lacking fuller context, as I have only seen this clip.

One of the biggest struggle is not to regress back into timid behaviour and people pleasing. It's the hardest battle out there to fight against your own past self. Stay strong, peace be with you my friend.

It never stops. Like a rubber band - the further you go, the harder it gets. Eventually it will inevitably snap you back where you've started

I'm also 44 and disabled with heart and autoimmune issues. Bad abusive marriage but worse is my mother who thinks I'm the reason for my ill health She drives me crazy after each phone call and still I have to call her twice a day. I just don't want to talk her more than 5 minutes.

43 and sounds like we are in a similar boat in the same storm. Blessings to you 💫

I am on a similar journey at age 52. We're both 'late bloomers'

I am in the same journey at 47. I want me, I belong to me more than any other attachment.

I want me !!! Fabulous insight, thank you.

@@quarteracreadventures855 Continue to bloom!! Don’t let anyone or anything hold you back.

I wish you the best! ❤🎉

Yes, but who set those systems up? They are set up by a group of individuals who themselves suffered trauma and therefore live by egoic values.

The systems are perpetuated by us all. And we absolutely have the power to change them. Our power lies within each individual choosing to honor their own inner being and all other beings. To the absolute best of their ability. And to heal themselves and help others heal. We must each look within and do the work. Align ourselves with Life, not our human-made structures.

Do the work. It works. Find your tribe. Find ur happiness first.

Society doesn't steer itself. Systems are not evil. They operate on the laws of nature. You're reality isn't mine or anyone other than yours. Generalization is inherently biased..black and white. The world is full of color and beauty. Learning to pay attention requires rigor.

@@lucrativeleadershipconvers5149 But there are certainly better and worse systems. E.g. let's take the school system: It could be optimized to produce healthy, happy and free-thinking individuals or mindless consumers that are slaves to the system (the way it is now). Imagine everyone was taught such immensely important things as how to properly process negative emotions, how to meditate, how to really live a healthy life, how to figure out what your talents, purpose and passions are, with a close assistance in finding a way to put them into practice professionally. Of course society as we know it would collapse as people would be intrinsically happy, without the need of all this mindless consumerism and cheap entertainment. Most people would opt to become entrepreneurs and we would run out of workers rapidly. But I think thanks to AI we would still find a way to make this work.

Wonderfully put into words. All the best for your journey. It hurts. Its worth it. I am also traveling.

Incredible, what methods did you use?

@@beller8501 trial and error and taking suggestions from others. I'm hard headed and seem to learn the indirect way. Good luck.

Get baptised in Jesus name for remission of sins . I’m sorry you have had such bad trauma . Christianity is about forgiveness and shredding as u say Christianity is the same everyday old you dies daily by abiding in gods words and forgiving daily to others it is a narrow path . We are all sinners . I don’t mean attending a church either .

@@christinekisso8358 I appreciate your suggestions and concern. The process in my life is very much already underway, This "shredding" is witnessed by my conception of God. Baptism, I had the pleasure of viewing yesterday, is a personal choice made at a time of desire and vulnerability. It's beautiful. My shift had a specific unfolding made for my circumstance and it very much worked. Saved my life. Not everyone's path will follow the same rules and parameters. You wouldn't recognize me from 20 years ago in attitude. Yes, it is a narrow path. Fewer choice brings more freedom not less. Krishnamurti. We all learn differently, so need many different teachers. Jesus was a great man of inclusion.

You are right - kindness is so important. Authenticity requires maturity and discipline. We need to be responsible. Otherwise, we will create more war, claiming to just be authentic.

Authenticity is the key. That has been my philosophy these last 10 years or so. That is also why I am drawn to this video - So with that being said. How I really discovered this was many years back, I always started to have crush on women that really fitted right away after I met them. I would always end up loosing them, after maybe one night (back then I was drinking and was doing alot of one night stands) they always lost interest, because as soon as I realised I really had a crush on them that is when I started to behave inauthentic. Beeing to agreeable, wanting them to like me, being to clingy (that is also another aspect which comes, when we are not beeing authentig) So that is was usually when they lost interest and I couldn't get them to stay or have another date etc. However when I was 26 I started the University. Then I started to have more confidence. I was sick and tired of beeing a lovesick puppy so I decided to be more like my friends, just sleep around with out having feelings for the women I was with(In the long run it was damaging behaviour, but it lead to my discovery). Then I end up beeing with women I would not have a crush on, some of them beautiful none the less. But those women always came back, some of them to dates or more... I didn't understand what was happening I wondered why could I always keep the women that I didn't want to have that much, but the ones I was really into would always run away. I realised, the ones I was really into, I would show up some kind of faced. Beeing to agreeable, that would lead to me beeing to plain. Not interesting at all, wile the women I wasn't that much into I didn't care weather I would like me or not so I behaved authentic around them. If I wouldn't agree then I would show it. You know where I am going with this.That would lead to me beeing more relaxed more loose, therefore charismatic. Plus it is in the human nature to sense when people are hiding something it is danger. And women have extra sense for this. Therefore when you are not authentic people are repelled from. This is why it is so important to be authentic. Also another thing, work on your self. Be happy with your self. Go and do yoga for example or something that fulfils you, and when you are fullfilled you start to accept your self and then it starts to become easier for you to start to love yourself. When you are there you will start to attract more people into your life, and maybe a soulmate. Don't say I will be happy when I'll find a soulmate be happy first and then you will attract her. But you have become happy for the sake of beeing happy not for the sake of wanting to attract someone. When that happens you don't care weather you attract someone in or not. You will still take it with open arms, but you are fine either way. That is when it happens. It's like a by product.

Be a volunteer for good people like you, but its hard to find good ones among parasites

I can recommend prayer to Christ and also to the Mother of God, it works wonders especially for those who are loners

@jimrich4192 I don’t like the term People Pleaser as I think it’s too blaming on the person supposedly doing it. I would call it Person-staying-safe-r.. or person who had to submit to the needs of another just to survive-r.. when it’s origins in childhood experience are revealed, you see how little choice the cups had. Then you feel compassion and love for your childhood self.. and then the more you love yourself, the easier it will become easier to be authentic, it will become natural. You just won’t feel so compelled to prioritise someone else over yourself and most healthy people wouldn’t want you to do that anyway. I wish you a joyful journey to finding a soulmate perfect for you.

No shit, Sherlock

Many say that's not what JP actually said

@@Kyouma. i actually don't know that exact quote from Jordan but I have heard Jordan say many other similar things that raised my eyebrow. I don't think everything Jordan says is wrong. I definitely love what he has to say about free speech and "wokeism" for lack of a better term. But there are a lot of things he says that are just so trauma-uninformed that I'm not surprised Gabor had something to say about him.

This is true. I don't agree with everything Jordan says. Sometimes I find him presumptuous. He has some great thoughts btw you don't have to agree with everything he says online

@@cikanyoro Some of the things Jordan says I like.

Preparing a bubble bath doesn't mean you are an emotional caregiver. It is simply an act of kindness. Saying no to parties is being somewhat considerate and somewhat inauthentic to yourself. It's hard though. I wish you healing.

While I cannot speak for your experience, I can speak for my own. It’s important to be able to separate committing an act of kindness (such as running a bubble bath for your mother) and putting yourself aside for the needs of another (denying something for yourself because you feel obliged to act like a mom to your own parent). There are ways to be kind to others without sacrificing your experiences. I wish you healing as well. While my experience is a little different, it took me finally getting help to realize what I’d truly been put through.

Well put! 💯 true! I’m learning this, applying it - it’s a difficult process to undo conditioning and learn new ways of being that is aligned with your authenticity…to even know who you are authentically after a lifetime of coping, learned conditioning. It’s with challenges but well worth doing it for the sake of knowing the real you 😊

Or rejecting

That's what I was thinking as well about the time-out. Also, if done correctly, I think a time-out can still value or deal with the anger/sadness of the child, you just teach them that they can't lose control over that.

@@faithhopelove9567 Yeah, and also, sometimes, children will express anger instrumentally, i.e., in order to get their way or control other people. Validating their feelings under those conditions is just reinforcing what they are doing. Adults use anger to force control, too, but unfortunately we can't put them in time out. :p